smk Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 As part of my coping strategy (if we can call it that) has been reading a lot of articles on this site, and there was one that really caught my attention and I read it numerous times over the course of the day. I think it was by DenverBachelor, title "Moving on: The final chapter". It is a truly heart warming and eye opening post and there are certain things that he wrote about that I can truly relate to. One of those things was based around the question of how most if not all of us have placed our own self worth on our SO, and how we became dependent on them to make us feel happy. And let's be honest that after the break we have all felt that we have been robbed of something, our happiness, our self worth, our self esteem, and someone to lean on during our hard times. I can fully admit that now when I look back at my relationship, towards the end of it my entire life revolved around her, my mind had somehow conditioned itself to her always being there, to share in my every emotion whether happiness or sadness, I wanted her to be there. I understand that wanting to share all those things with your SO is natural within a relationship but I had become dependent on her to give pick me up when I was down and vice versa. I wasn't needy or clingy but everything I did was in some way, shape or form interconnected to her. This morning I woke up for the first time, not feeling down in the dumps and wanting to disappear into the black hole that my life has become, but instead I woke up not feeling great either. Given I do still miss her, miss waking up with her in my arms (we would spend the whole night in each others arms without letting go), I still miss waking up and seeing her there, hearing her say she loves even before she opened her eyes, but when I woke up this morning the pit in my stomach was a little less. I don't know how long this will last and I sure that I still have a long way to go before the roller coaster ends, but it's a start. What however I did discover is that since she came into my life a lot of things changed; some bad, most good. When I met K (am going to refer to her as that from now), I was completely independent, I made my own life, I chose my own path, and I took life lightly. I made my own happiness, and self worth, and I truly felt that I didn't need anyone else in my life. A little bit of background info on me - a very long time ago I had come to the conclusion that I didn't ever want to be tied down in a relationship, didn't ever want to settle down, get married, have kids, etc... I simply did not believe in the concept of love. I had a pretty unstable childhood, fair enough my parents gave me everything I could ask for and more, however they were never there, I grew up with ever changing nannies and house help. I had older siblings but they were away at school or getting on with their own lives, and hence from a very young age I became very independent and never depended on anyone to give me happiness. Each time someone would get close to me I would move that much further away, and always had the constant fear that the people who I did allow to get close to me would eventually go away, and so I learnt to detach myself completely. Basically I think I developed a phobia for both abandonment and hence I blocked of certain emotions. Geez I am probably a therapist’s dream case come true - I have that many issues... LOL... Anyways moving in when K came along into my life we hit it off straight away, and from our first date something deep down inside me clicked into place and from that first day I felt that I had know and loved her my entire life and that I just hadn't known it until I met her. I was mesmerised and for the first time in my life I dropped each and every guard that I had taken a lifetime to build up. I instantly felt a spark, a bond so strong that nothing could break it. I looked into her eyes and I felt that I had finally found the person that I had spent my entire life looking for. She opened up to me really quickly as well and we both felt the same way towards each other (at least that's what she told me that she felt - and I do believe her). I opened up completely to her and let her know of everything about my life and she did the same, there are certain things that she told me that she has never told another person. Over time I began feeling that the sole purpose for my existence was to be with her, to take away all the pain that she had been through and vice versa her take away all of my pain. I now realise that I had become so dependent on her for my happiness and to make me feel better that I had slowly started drifting away from who and what I used to be. I don't regret that one bit, because before I met her all my life consisted was non stop partying, copious amounts of alcohol, the occasional recreational usage of substances, and not being able to emotionally connect with any other human being. To top it off I was 26, with a liver of a 40 year old, a heavy smoker, overweight and diet give a damn about tomorrow. She accepted me for all of those things, and never once asked me change, but as time went by I realised that if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her I needed to change certain aspects of my life. I took up running, started eating healthy, cut down on the booze drastically and cut down on the smoking, and basically turned my life around. Granted I also distance myself from a lot of friends because I was spending so much time with her (she felt that it was too soon to meet friends and family since our relationship was still new). But overall she contributed to me now being in the best physical shape I have been in, in the last 14 years. And for that I thank her. But back to the original story, I realised that before I met her my self worth, my happiness were all created by me, given they were a different type of happiness but I never depended on someone else to keep me happy, and I guess what I am trying to say that I know it's hard to think otherwise right now, but at some point in our lives we have all been the masters of our own destiny, we have always found ways and means to find joy in the little things that life gives us and with enough determination I know that we can do it all over again. I know it's a lot easier said than done but until we truly accept it to ourselves that we can and will be happy how can we condition our mind to believe it? I know how great the feeling loving and being loved back in return is, it's a high that nothing in this world can compare to, it’s the feeling of being on top of this world to have your love reciprocated. That feeling when each time you kiss the person you love you truly feel the spark fly (it was that way for me and K – each time I kissed her, held her hand, was in her presence, thought of her, I felt on top of this world, I got butterflies in my stomach, and even now when I think back of the good times we had I still get the same feeling). I guess what I am trying to say is that the one thing I am going to do from this is take the fact that K taught me that it was ok to love someone, to take that blind leap of faith and hope for the best. The most important lesson of all that I learnt is that we make our own happiness, we create our own self worth and that our SO should be an addition to that and not the main cause of our happiness (I will admit I read this on a post somewhere on LS) however I fully agree with this statement. Finally all I can say is that we have all loved and lost, and the greatest thing that we can take away from our lost loves, is the fact that despite everything we can still be the bigger person and continue loving them the same way we always did. We may go through a turmoil of emotions ranging from anger to sadness, but at the end of it all it all comes down to the simple fact that love is full of all these emotions and they come as part and package of when you truly, deeply love someone without any conviction. I know it’s a long post and thank you for everyone who read it, and thank you for your comments. I for one know that even though I am in a good place right now, maybe in an hour, a day, a week I may get back on that roller coaster but until that point I am going to enjoy the feeling and truly cherish the love that I have in my heart, mind, body and soul for K.
AlwaysConflicted Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Sounds like you're in a good state of mind. If you're anything like me, your moods will change frequently. Mine change hourly and daily. Sometimes I feel strong and I'll make a post that sounds like I have my **** together and other times I'm depressed. At least you're intelligent and have the maturity to recognize all those things you mentioned. The good and bad.
Author smk Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 AC I can't even do NC... Yeah I haven't phoned her unless returning her call but it's a max of 48hrs normally till she phones... When I wrote that bit I was in a better place and since then its been worse... I had a meeting today with my director and I broke into tears... (good thing she is a woman and let me let it out)... Have had the hardest time coping since I posted that... Today all I thought about was the fact that I must have been a really bad BF that she didn't believe in me, in us, in our love.... I am now slowly coming to terms with the fact that if we are destined to be together then it will happen of not c'est la vie.. I do know one thing for sure I will never love again...
Recovery Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 AC I can't even do NC... Yeah I haven't phoned her unless returning her call but it's a max of 48hrs normally till she phones... When I wrote that bit I was in a better place and since then its been worse... I had a meeting today with my director and I broke into tears... (good thing she is a woman and let me let it out)... Have had the hardest time coping since I posted that... Today all I thought about was the fact that I must have been a really bad BF that she didn't believe in me, in us, in our love.... I am now slowly coming to terms with the fact that if we are destined to be together then it will happen of not c'est la vie.. I do know one thing for sure I will never love again... Don't ever say that about yourself. There are people out there who have lost a wife or husband to tragedy, yet they do find the courage to eventually love again. I am going through the exact same thing you two are going through right now, and it hurts so much I agree. But love is like a learning process... with each unsuccessful relationship brings about lessons which you will take to the next relationship to make it better. I just lost a girl I was deeply in love with, I still am, and I am grieving just as much as you guys. I have days where I feel like a lion, then other days I would just wish someone would come in my room and shoot me in my chair. I still do believe I am capable of loving again, you just need to find the person that will love you the same. You will find love again, it may take time, but rediscover yourself and improve yourself. That girl will come, and when she does, she will stay by your side for all the right reasons.
AlwaysConflicted Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Oh yes, the ups and downs. It's so strange how quickly our moods shift. One minute we're accepting of the whole process and the next we want to leap off a cliff. I'll say this. I've dated 5 girls seriously in my 30 years of life. I've loved 2 of them. My 1st love was 10 years ago, we dated for 5 years and I'm still not really over her. I went to therapy, took anti-depressants, the works... I was a stupid 22 year old when she kicked my butt to the curb. She was awesome, my soulmate and I was to blame for most of the breakup. The 2nd girl I loved was this most recent one. We only dated for 5 months, but it was intense and we're both 30 years old so we were looking for a marriage partner. Did I find love again? Yea...it took 10 years. And I didn't sit on my butt either. I dated a lot, infact I had 3 girlfriends in that time period. So when people say you'll find love again, I laugh. There are some of us out in the world who don't fall in love so easily. Now back to you SMK. You really only have 1 card to play here. Your strategy needs to be No Contact. Hopefully this girl comes to her senses one day, but in the meantime you have to pretend she's gone forever. It's impossibly hard to imagine, but it's the only way to move on to a point where you can date a different girl. Dating sucks...we all hate it. This situation sucks for all of us. I'm trying to figure out a way on how to be comfortable with the concept that I might be alone for the rest of my life. If I could be comfortable with that idea, I might have a better chance at being happy. There is NO book that says every human being will find their soulmate and get married. It doesn't happen for everyone and most people probably settle to a certain degree. They're frightened by the concept of growing old alone. And who wouldn't be? It sounds terrible. Now all that being said, we must prevail. You and I are men. We must act like men and carry on with our lives. We need to make tough decisions and we need to deal with their consequences. I'll give us 1 exception. *We can still cry our eyes out on loveshack and analyze until we're blue in the face. I've got your back.
Author smk Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 I am 26 and she is the first person/girl I have truly loved, unconditionally, I accepted eveything about her... Our break had nothing to do with us, we are a different race and her family wouldn't accept me... And she would not go against her family that's why we broke up... That's what makes it so hard to move away... I am 26 and I had never wanted to settle down till I met her... Even now almost a month after the break she still makes my knees go weak.. The thought of her; the sound of her voice it all takes me back... I love her fore everything thing she is and I would re live eternity to relive the last 6 months with her..
AlwaysConflicted Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Okay, even if that is the complete truth, what choice do you have? You can't provide her father with a power point presentation on why you're the perfect man for his daughter. And what does it say about her? She meets the love of her life and turns her back because of a race issue from her father? What's that phrase? Love conquers all. You might not actually have the full truth about why she broke up with you. Breakups are tricky and generally involve multiple layers. Regardless, what can you do?
ALombard Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Good thread. SMK don't get to down in the dumps. I just wanted to say something regarding the whole "finding love again" concept. I will admit to AC that there are people who don't fall in love easily. I am one of those. However what I have learned is that if you are truely looking for love and want to meet that person out there who you can be with you must be open to the concept of falling in love again. The people who say "I will never love again" make me laugh, I thought right after my break up that I would be doomed to walk this earth alone forever and that NO ONE would ever be able to compare to my ex. Well I have been proven wrong. Just do this next time you meet a new girl, don't compare her to any of your ex's. Look at her as a brand new chapter in your book of life and just accept the fact that she will never be like any of your ex's. Turn your heart into a blank slate for her and let her in. Then you will find that falling in love isn't as hard as you make it out to be.
Author smk Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 Okay, even if that is the complete truth, what choice do you have? You can't provide her father with a power point presentation on why you're the perfect man for his daughter. And what does it say about her? She meets the love of her life and turns her back because of a race issue from her father? What's that phrase? Love conquers all. You might not actually have the full truth about why she broke up with you. Breakups are tricky and generally involve multiple layers. Regardless, what can you do? oh god I wish I could meet the man and give him a powerpoint presentation about my life. LOL... I have thought so many times of just showing up at her doorstep (he is currently here in the UK) and asking him what his freakin problem... The funny thing is that I have seen his pictures and he is dark skinned with black hair, the same as me... Apparently his main concern was what he would tell his friends and family - how would he introduce me to them - oh the shame it would bring on his family... I thought that the fact that we now live in the 21st Century things like this wouldnt really matter but I guess I was wrong. She is the sort of person who has never been able to stand up to him, and I always told her (even before the race issues came up) that I would be her strength when she decided she was ready to stand up to him - I always told her that I would give her the courage to not always succumb to his every whim. I guess It was not meant to be... Have you ever met someone, a person who over time has become a strong influence in your life, and from the first time you met them you felt an instant bond? She was the only person in my life I have felt that with. I know that right now I am in a bad place and maybe over time my view will change, but from day one I felt a very strong bond and connection with her, it was as though we had known each other all our lives. I remember talking to her once and the conversation somehow steered towards destiny, fate and soul mates, and she said to me that in her mind she had already pictured the rest of her life with me from our first date. In her mind she could envision us growing old together from the first date we had... Yet here I am 6 months later...LOL... The one things I am proud of is the fact that I have moved on beyond the stage of anger and resentment and thinking negative thougths... Given I am taking each day, each moment as it comes, and the mood swings are a total nightmare, but I am now starting to sleep more than a couple of hours each night (which is great)... She is still the first thing on my mind when I wake up, but now I think of the good things... Oh gosh I dont even want to think about meeting other people at the moment, I know that for a long time I will always end up comparing other people to her and that would be unfair... Thats why instead I have decided that for the moment I need to work on myself, become a stronger individual, and ideally discover the real me. I was never the relationship type of person, and to be honest this was my first real relationship, and she is the first person I have truly loved and I have now accepted that sometimes things dont go the way we want them. Again I know right now I am in a good place, and in a few minutes, hours, days I will probably get back on the roller coaster, but till then I am going to just try and move on with my life... I do however thank her for teaching me how to Love and the love I have for her no one will ever be able to take that from me, not even her dad, and I hope that the love she once had for me in her heart doesnt fade away... Thats all I can hope for...
HeavenOrHell Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Good post, but sorry you're going through a bad phase again now, I was on the rollercoaster for 6-7 months, partner left after 18 years a year ago. He left because I was doing the opposite to what you said in your paragraph below, wasn't until he left though that I realised how important he was to me, he'd felt neglected as I had too much of a life outside of him. I didn't think I would fall in love again, thought he was the love of my life, but I have met someone, believe me you will too when the time is right. I'm putting all the things I learned into practice with my new partner. Making your partner feel special is so important but so is making sure you have a balanced life with all areas of your life. > can fully admit that now when I look back at my relationship, towards the end of it my entire life revolved around her, my mind had somehow conditioned itself to her always being there, to share in my every emotion whether happiness or sadness, I wanted her to be there. I understand that wanting to share all those things with your SO is natural within a relationship but I had become dependent on her to give pick me up when I was down and vice versa. I wasn't needy or clingy but everything I did was in some way, shape or form interconnected to her.<
Author smk Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 (edited) Don't ever say that about yourself. There are people out there who have lost a wife or husband to tragedy, yet they do find the courage to eventually love again. I am going through the exact same thing you two are going through right now, and it hurts so much I agree. But love is like a learning process... with each unsuccessful relationship brings about lessons which you will take to the next relationship to make it better. I know what you mean and where you're coming from. I cant even begin to imagine how people whose relationships have lasted longer cope. I mean I broke up with someone I was with for 6 months and I am in the worst place I have ever been, I can only imagine what people go through when they have been with someone for years and year. I think the reason I am so shattered at the moment, is simply because as I said before, I never really believed in relationships and love purely because I had seen so many people around me that went through so much heartbreak of were cheating on their SO that a part of me lost faith, and then K came along and turned my whole outlook on life. I just lost a girl I was deeply in love with, I still am, and I am grieving just as much as you guys. I have days where I feel like a lion, then other days I would just wish someone would come in my room and shoot me in my chair. I still do believe I am capable of loving again, you just need to find the person that will love you the same. You will find love again, it may take time, but rediscover yourself and improve yourself. That girl will come, and when she does, she will stay by your side for all the right reasons. I feel the pain, because even though me and K are no longer together deep down inside I still love her with my whole heart and soul, and maybe I am just saying this right now but I dont think I will ever give out that same kind of love to someone else ever and if I do meet them. I have always believe in one thing throughout my entire life, You Live Once, You die once and you only every truly wholeheartedly love once in your lifetime. Who knows maybe I am wrong and maybe one day I may meet someone who will love me as much as I love K, but I dont think that I will be able to reciprocate that love, and to be honest I would be lying to them which isnt fair. There came a point in my relationship with K where I had grown up and accepted all her faults as much as her good points. I recall her once telling me that if she ever distanced herself from me for whatever reason then I should remind her, and there were lots of moments where she would get a little distant, but I had come to accep that as part of her, I had come to love even those moments of hers and would have never changed them for anything. AC - So when people say you'll find love again, I laugh. There are some of us out in the world who don't fall in love so easily. I agree with you on this, I am someone like that. I dont get close to people I never have. I am shocked that I am actually pouring my heart out here, but its been such a great help and I feel comfortable doing it, but back to the original point - I never got close to people. I remember a few years ago I went to a therapist (for some addiction and other things I was going through in my life - I was at a very low point in life and thought that would help) and even my therapist couldnt break down my barriers - he tried everything including hypnotherapy and I still wouldnt open up. Until finally I just stopped going because it wasnt working. The only person that I have ever truly opened up to was K - she knew every intimate detail of my life, and she helped me put a lot of things into perspective, things that even my closest of friends (someone I have been best buds with for the past 15 years) doesnt know. That is what I miss - having someone with who I could talk to, it was the companionship, the trust and bond that we had - and I dont know if I will ever be able to give another human being so much trust again. But who knows... Your strategy needs to be No Contact. Hopefully this girl comes to her senses one day, but in the meantime you have to pretend she's gone forever. It's impossibly hard to imagine, but it's the only way to move on to a point where you can date a different girl. Dating sucks...we all hate it. This situation sucks for all of us. I am trying to keep NC - and I have been good on my end - I have not initiated contact but she cant seem to get past 48 hrs without phoning me. I am trying my hardest to move one and accept it and its the hardest thing I have ever had to do almost impossible (and I am someone who does not believe in that word)... Right now I cant even think about dating someone else - I cant seem to see anyone but her, I went out for a drinks with some of my work guys last night and they took me to a bar which was packed full of apparently stunning women - and the whole while I was there all I did was look at the girls there and look for some similarity to K and couldnt find anyone who even remotely had anything resembling her. She has these really pretty beauty spots near her mouth and to me they were the most beautiful thing ever. She is one of these girls who didnt need make up, or have to dress provocatively to get attention - she has such amazing beauty it was inspiring - just the thought of her makes me smile. She brought such joy to my life.... We can still cry our eyes out on loveshack and analyze until we're blue in the face. thats describes me perfectly - i spend countless hours here, reading some truly inspiring things here and the help and contributions I have gotten from here have been such a great help. But I do try and keep a strong face around everyone however there are moment where I completely break down and cry - I have been crying on the train to work, the toilets at work, i broke down in meeting with my director yesterday - thank god she is really understanding and has been a great support.... Lombard However what I have learned is that if you are truely looking for love and want to meet that person out there who you can be with you must be open to the concept of falling in love again. The people who say "I will never love again" make me laugh, I thought right after my break up that I would be doomed to walk this earth alone forever and that NO ONE would ever be able to compare to my ex. Well I have been proven wrong. I know where you are coming from, its just that it is so much easier said than done - the irony of all of this is that I know I need to accept that there maybe someone else out there, however I just cant seem to accept the fact that I will ever love someone else. I know for sure that there is no one in this world who will ever compare to her, but then we are all individual people in this world and there never will be 2 people who are the same. Its just that with her things were so easy, she was someone who had such an amazing aura about her, I used to sit and look at her for hours on end - the time used to fly when we were together, and I find it really hard to accept that I will have someone else with whom I will ever feel the same. She used to say things to me - there were moment where she would stop in the middle of the street and kiss me for no reason, or hug for just because, or look at me in the eyes and call me beautiful. Yeah Yeah yeah I know this is soppy stuff but it was such an amazing feeling having that. Everytime I kissed her her, or hugged her, or was with her, I got butterflies in my stomach even after 6 months. And I just find it hard to believe that I will have that with someone else, that someone else will ever make me feel that way... Just do this next time you meet a new girl, don't compare her to any of your ex's. Look at her as a brand new chapter in your book of life and just accept the fact that she will never be like any of your ex's. Turn your heart into a blank slate for her and let her in. Then you will find that falling in love isn't as hard as you make it out to be. I know it will take time to get to that level, but at the moment every person I see I look for something that K had. I compare everyone at the moment, and hopefully as time goes by things may change but for now I am just taking one step at a time... Heaven I was on the rollercoaster for 6-7 months, partner left after 18 years a year ago. Wow 18 years - that must have been terrible. I am so sorry, seeing what my 6 months has done to me I can only imagine how you felt after 18 years. He left because I was doing the opposite to what you said in your paragraph below, wasn't until he left though that I realised how important he was to me, he'd felt neglected as I had too much of a life outside of him. With us it was the complete opposite, she would be like that to me and I accepted that as part of her personality. I mean she never completely neglected me, but she would have her moments where she would be distant and that was part of her and I accepted her for it. I didn't think I would fall in love again, thought he was the love of my life, but I have met someone, believe me you will too when the time is right. I'm putting all the things I learned into practice with my new partner. I glad you met someone and I hope it works for you, its stories like yours that give people like me the hope and yeah I guess it takes time, but for now I simply just want to focus on myself and bettering myself as a person. I am going to devote my free time to charities, I realised that I need to see a therapist to identify some issues that I have... Making your partner feel special is so important but so is making sure you have a balanced life with all areas of your life. I completely agree with you on this - and I think I need to learn to balance things equally... sorry for the long post Edited July 10, 2010 by smk
HeavenOrHell Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Thanks I can't really describe how I felt for the 6 or 7 months afterwards, all I can say is I hope I never feel like that again, I would have felt like that for longer if I hadn't stopped contact and told myself I HAD to let go and make a new life. A year this week since he left, I still feel sad about us at times but it hasn't crushed me for a while, it is good to be friends with him now, we'll always have love for each other. >I glad you met someone and I hope it works for you, its stories like yours that give people like me the hope and yeah I guess it takes time, but for now I simply just want to focus on myself and bettering myself as a person. I am going to devote my free time to charities, I realised that I need to see a therapist to identify some issues that I have...< This is what I do, work for 3 charities, have done for a while but even more so now and I love it. I'm a long distance relationship now, which gives me space to continue to rebuild my life. You're doing all the right things to get yourself through this and come out stronger the other side
Recommended Posts