Trying to still understand why a grown man would want a teen??

[bluz73]

Recap ex of 6 yrs threw away us for a new relationship with an 18 yr old.

Im 37 he is 31.

 

Why would a guy his age rush into a serious relationship with a teen, move her in and start acting like a teen again?? he moved her in after 2 months and she is completely codependent on him for half the bills,they share a car and cell phone plan.

 

Its all quite odd to me but they are actually working when I never thought it would, It is slowing down my healing and it still hurts. I'm good for a few weeks then crash for a week and it sucks!

 

The reason I am still asking is I am having a difficult time trusting any guy who asks me out...I always decline..I dont want to deal with this again.

 

i am an attractive woman who could pass for mid 20's so her looks doesnt bother me,(she looks 15) its that I am full grown and expirienced and she still hasnt grown up yet.

 

Everyone on here says well shes 18 he is 31 they wont last, well its been 11 months and guess what they live together and from what I hear are doin fine...I shouldnt care but why do I feel if they break up I would be happier. I dont want him, I want him to hurt too.

 

How can I get past what he did and enjoy my life and stop wishing bad luck on them??

 

Oh and I already know who is goin to comment on this...so before anyone says the usual move on ect...just imagine this happening to you randomly unexpected then tell me you wouldnt be a bit crazy..

[Gero]

How can I get past what he did and enjoy my life and stop wishing bad luck on them??

 

By realizing that the best revenge is living well.

[D-Lish]

i am an attractive woman who could pass for mid 20's so her looks doesnt bother me

 

I can tell ya- that as much as we might want to think so, we don't look mid-twenties at our age.

[bluz73]

I can tell ya- that as much as we might want to think so, we don't look mid-twenties at our age.

I beg to differ...I can attatch a photo if you would all like if I am allowed...My 16 year old daughter and I get mistaken for sisters...So I know I am holding my looks well..

[bluz73]

By realizing that the best revenge is living well.

Been trying to live well...but too nervous and angry to allow any man in my life. The horror of knowing the ex is dating someone as old as my son and 2 years younger than my daughter...makes me sick! He was goin to be their step father...thats another dagger to the heart, that disgusts me!

[monkeymaid]

stare at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself out loud. ....why does it matter that by ex BOYfriend wants a little girl to hold hands with.

 

 

ask yourself does it really matterat this point?what am i going to gain by understanding this any more. is this going to change the past? is it going to affect my future?

 

then stare yourself in the eye and ask if you are thinking from a centered place and full of self esteem or are you thinking of a self loathing place and are still giving him the final say over the value of you.

 

why is his opinion more important than your own? especially when it comes to you?

[bluz73]

stare at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself out loud. ....why does it matter that by ex BOYfriend wants a little girl to hold hands with.

 

 

ask yourself does it really matterat this point?what am i going to gain by understanding this any more. is this going to change the past? is it going to affect my future?

 

then stare yourself in the eye and ask if you are thinking from a centered place and full of self esteem or are you thinking of a self loathing place and are still giving him the final say over the value of you.

 

why is his opinion more important than your own? especially when it comes to you?

It does matter cause I am afraid that its going to happen again and I want to figure out what kind of men do this?? He didnt shatter my self esteem cause I have no prob getting a man or teen guy myself considering my kids bring hot 18 year olds over all the time, but I know its wrong and no matter how lonely and sad i am I would never stoop that low to desparation.

Its just I was blind for 6 years and didnt ever expect this at all..I could see if I was old and wrinkly or flabby and disgusting..but I am just as sexy and firm as a teen and I know it had nothing to do with my looks or who i am as a person...ITS HIS FLAW that I didnt recongnize and I hate myself for not catching it before it happened !

[Gero]

It does matter cause I am afraid that its going to happen again and I want to figure out what kind of men do this?? He didnt shatter my self esteem cause I have no prob getting a man or teen guy myself considering my kids bring hot 18 year olds over all the time, but I know its wrong and no matter how lonely and sad i am I would never stoop that low to desparation.

Its just I was blind for 6 years and didnt ever expect this at all..I could see if I was old and wrinkly or flabby and disgusting..but I am just as sexy and firm as a teen and I know it had nothing to do with my looks or who i am as a person...ITS HIS FLAW that I didnt recongnize and I hate myself for not catching it before it happened !

 

Exactly. It's his flaw. This isn't your fault so you shouldn't be trying to blame yourself. This isn't going to be something that you are going to find out about a man before getting serious with them. It's sorta like a mid-life crisis thing. He probably had his insecurities about getting older and being in a committed relationship and thus bailed to date a younger chick.

 

The only thing that you can do is find a more mature man. I'm sure there were some signs of him not having the same level of maturity as you at some point during your 6 years together.

 

I hope you work things out.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Why would a guy his age rush into a serious relationship with a teen, move her in and start acting like a teen again??

 

Because he probably got burned out on being an 'adult', and wanted to regress to a time in his life where there was less responsibility and more 'fun' - living vicariously through a teenager, basically. I don't know that it has much to do with you, so much as it does his inability to resolve whatever issues that drove him back into his 'teen' years.

 

It'll catch up with him though - it nearly always does when an adult tries to be a teenager again. He'll feel older than he did before, foolish and tired out from trying to keep up with a kid. He'll also find himself thinking like an adult again when his 'being a teen' thing wears off, and that is when things will go south. He'll end up playing daddy to a bored teenager who basically lives off of him.

 

Its only a matter of time.

[IronMaiden]

I think there are aspects of this painful situation that need to be sorted out separately.

 

First, this qualifies for a "major life stressor". Loss of your main friend/lover. Thus, there will be a long grieving process, and you need to give yourself permission to go through the stages of grief and realize this can't be rushed. I think loss by a SO leaving is more stressful than a SO dying, because with leaving, the memories are tainted, and the time spent feels lost and negated.

 

Second, you can't believe you were so blindsided, and you feel you cannot trust your perception of reality or relationships anymore. This is very anxiety provoking. This is how I would process that:

 

I would take out a blank piece of paper, or get out my diary. Then I would make a heading: "Red Flags and personality flaws of his that I choose to ignore, push aside, etc." Then I would free associate and just write down words, qualities, incidents that happened and see what surfaces. For example, perhaps he was a thrill seeker - motorcycles, fast cars, a bit of ADD - these people constantly seek novelty and will often leave long term relationships. Or comes from a family where his father left his mother....I don't know your situation, but that kind of thing. I think it will reveal truths to you.

 

Third, I would tell you what my mom always told me when some guy was a real D-bag to me. "Well, HIS life isn't over yet....just wait and see..." Boy, ain't that the truth. Life will deal out One-TWO punches better than you ever could if you just give it ...TIME....

Good luck!

[Woggle]

Not trying to be crual but you really need to get over this guy? You are better off without him in your life so why do you care what he does?

[whatadeer26]

I didn't read all the posts, but he sounds immature maybe hit a midlife crisis type stage in his life. Some men get scared when they feel they are getting too close in a relationship. Maybe he was thinking about marriage and scared himself away from you. She is young, inexpierenced and immature. He can probably manipulate her however he likes. Where as you sound more independent and self-sufficient.

[Daniel89]

Yeah, maybe he didnt feel he could control as much when he was with you. Its what a lot of males want.

[somedude81]

Since nobody said it, most men want a woman younger than them. Though a 13 year difference is a bit excessive. You are six years older than he is. It's not really common to have a relationship where the woman is more than a couple years older.

 

Now I'm not saying that it's the reason this happened, just keep it in mind.

[CaliGuy]

Not sure WHY he did but I can assure you that whatever "life" he thinks he is building with her, it will most likely fail. Badly.

 

Either way, be glad that guy is gone out of your life. You can do much better than him and so can whoever she is, she can do better.

 

Most people never see a silver lining in a breakup. That's all I ever see

[Gero]

Also, the OP said that she looks like she is in her 20s. So don't sit there and mope around over this loser leaving you. He really did you a favor. Get out there and find a better, more attractive guy.

[stillafool]

It does matter cause I am afraid that its going to happen again and I want to figure out what kind of men do this?? He didnt shatter my self esteem cause I have no prob getting a man or teen guy myself considering my kids bring hot 18 year olds over all the time, but I know its wrong and no matter how lonely and sad i am I would never stoop that low to desparation.

Its just I was blind for 6 years and didnt ever expect this at all..I could see if I was old and wrinkly or flabby and disgusting..but I am just as sexy and firm as a teen and I know it had nothing to do with my looks or who i am as a person...ITS HIS FLAW that I didnt recongnize and I hate myself for not catching it before it happened !

 

 

Look, it's almost been a year. He obviously cares a lot for this girl and she may be more mature than you know. Whatever the reason they are working it out and who knows they may break up or they may get married and have kids. Let it go! It is no longer your business what they do. If you really feel like this has caused you to think that all men are going to drop you for a younger woman then seek professional help. Stop comparing yourself to this young girl as that is the same as comparing yourself to your daughter. I don't care how young you look, you are not 18 years old. So just STOP IT ALREADY, you are letting your EGO get the best of you.

[vivrantflo]

Try not to be too concerned about this relationship. I can personally guarantee, that it will NOT work. Believe me, it won't. But don't wait around for it to happen.

 

She's 18. So having a run like this is extremely exciting for her! She's dating an older man, they live together so she can play house, they share a car, she's getting sex from an older dude.. she's loving every second of it! She's the envy of all her friends! Your ex's ego is sky high, cause he has some young chick absolutely loving him off, and his boys are probably giving him props too....

 

Mark my words, one day, and I'll say, give it another year or so, she's going to miss hanging out with her girlfriends.. she's going to miss nights out clubbing and having fun, and getting hit on by men. She's going to miss having fun with people around her age. And she will rip this dudes heart out so bad, you'll almost feel sorry for him.

 

Women between the age of 18-24 have no idea if they are coming or going. Ask any dude on this site, that had their 18-24 year old gf, just up and out of their relationship cause they want to "find themselves" or they "need space" or they need to "depend on themselves".. you'll see I'm right.

 

Your ex is a PRIME candidate for a Loveshack account in the next year or so.

 

So don't worry about him. Live your life, and you'll meet someone lucky enough to earn your love and affection!

[YellowShark]

She's 18 and he's 31. They've been together for 11 months and seem happy. Now it's time for you - (an attractive woman who could pass for mid 20's) - to move on and forget them both. I know it's hard to do. I know it totally sucks. I know it's not what you dreamed of after investing 6 years with this guy.

 

And it's ok to occasionally "wish bad luck on them," but it's not healthy to obsess about it.

 

Here's my advice... when you feel down about the EX just think how much fun he must be having at 31 helping her with her homework... or while he's having to listen to her Justin Bieber & Miley Cyrus CDs, or while he's watching "The Hills" reruns!

[bluz73]

Look, it's almost been a year. He obviously cares a lot for this girl and she may be more mature than you know. Whatever the reason they are working it out and who knows they may break up or they may get married and have kids. Let it go! It is no longer your business what they do. If you really feel like this has caused you to think that all men are going to drop you for a younger woman then seek professional help. Stop comparing yourself to this young girl as that is the same as comparing yourself to your daughter. I don't care how young you look, you are not 18 years old. So just STOP IT ALREADY, you are letting your EGO get the best of you.

Ya know let it happen to you just once and tell me you wouldnt be crushed and going on a rollercoaster from time to time.

My daughter is friends with her friends and I KNOW waiting in line at the midnight showing holding a sign TEAM JACOB isnt all too mature in my eyes..but if that what makes him feel young again..whatever.

I NEVER SAID I fear men leaving me for younger woman EVER! I was fed lies for many many years and now trust is a big issue wheter he is 25, 30, 0r 80.

MY EGO?? I happen to been born with genes that makes me grow old gracefully...I CAN get hot rich men and I am proud of it!...but to start a relationship with a new guy when I am still healing wouldnt be fair to him, so Im getting thru this on my terms...I know its been almost 10 months and sure he cares for the girl, He got to move out of his parents house finally at 31 and gets half his bills paid..He prob dont get hounded to stop using methadone and painpills anymore cause she dont care..He gets to party all night with teen boys and girls and it makes him feel young again..So Im sure he is happy..My intial question was finally answered by the post below but thanks anyway

[bluz73]

Try not to be too concerned about this relationship. I can personally guarantee, that it will NOT work. Believe me, it won't. But don't wait around for it to happen.

 

She's 18. So having a run like this is extremely exciting for her! She's dating an older man, they live together so she can play house, they share a car, she's getting sex from an older dude.. she's loving every second of it! She's the envy of all her friends! Your ex's ego is sky high, cause he has some young chick absolutely loving him off, and his boys are probably giving him props too....

 

Mark my words, one day, and I'll say, give it another year or so, she's going to miss hanging out with her girlfriends.. she's going to miss nights out clubbing and having fun, and getting hit on by men. She's going to miss having fun with people around her age. And she will rip this dudes heart out so bad, you'll almost feel sorry for him.

 

Women between the age of 18-24 have no idea if they are coming or going. Ask any dude on this site, that had their 18-24 year old gf, just up and out of their relationship cause they want to "find themselves" or they "need space" or they need to "depend on themselves".. you'll see I'm right.

 

Your ex is a PRIME candidate for a Loveshack account in the next year or so.

 

So don't worry about him. Live your life, and you'll meet someone lucky enough to earn your love and affection!

 

Wow can we meet? j/k You are probably 100% right. The thing is most men would have thought about all this before they threw away a potential future wife, but he obviously isnt thinking about the possible outcome of his new realtionship when she goes through her finding herself stage.

Thank you for understanding and realizing he is an extreme idiot. I am actually embarrassed at this point to say I ever was involved with him. I try to live my life and be happy, but now and then I crash and have a bad day or week.

I can only hope when I am least expecting it, I let the right guy in and love finds its way into my heart

[bluz73]

 

Here's my advice... when you feel down about the EX just think how much fun he must be having at 31 helping her with her homework... or while he's having to listen to her Justin Bieber & Miley Cyrus CDs, or while he's watching "The Hills" reruns!

LOL yeah I thought about this...and I heard he actually had to endure some of this already.

I am trying to move on, its just sometimes I get down and start thinking about the males brain and try to figure it out..bad habit I have.

[YellowShark]

LOL yeah I thought about this...and I heard he actually had to endure some of this already.

 

I would rather get wacked between the eyes with a mace than have to endure the vapid Facebook/Miley Cyrus/Team Jacob world of an 18-year-old!

 

I am trying to move on, its just sometimes I get down and start thinking about the males brain and try to figure it out..bad habit I have.

 

I'm a male and I don't pine over 18-year-olds. Hot 37-year-olds who could pass for mid 20's yes! ...but not 18-year-olds!

 

But you said something very revealing:

 

He got to move out of his parents house finally at 31 and gets half his bills paid..

 

WWWWWWWHAT!?!?!?! He moved out finally at 31? Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ he's emotionally a child after all! You should be thrilled he's gone! Otherwise you'd simply be his new mommy. Forget him bluz, don't even try to get into his "brain." He's emotionally a baby.. and not even close to a man if he still lived at home at 31! That's creepy!

[bluz73]

I would rather get wacked between the eyes with a mace than have to endure the vapid Facebook/Miley Cyrus/Team Jacob world of an 18-year-old!

 

 

 

I'm a male and I don't pine over 18-year-olds. Hot 37-year-olds who could pass for mid 20's yes! ...but not 18-year-olds!

 

But you said something very revealing:

 

 

 

WWWWWWWHAT!?!?!?! He moved out finally at 31? Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ he's emotionally a child after all! You should be thrilled he's gone! Otherwise you'd simply be his new mommy. Forget him bluz, don't even try to get into his "brain." He's emotionally a baby.. and not even close to a man if he still lived at home at 31! That's creepy!

YES the first 2 yrs he lived with mommy and daddy...finally we moved into together and that didnt last cause he was too strung out on drugs and I couldnt handle it..He moved back home and he remained there. I loved him enough to help him through his recovery. So this broad comes along and needed a place to live and he moves her in with him at his parents CREEPY! So she is completely attatched and codependent now.

They got their own place now and I am assuming shes okay with the big kid guy.

I knew I deserved better all along but I got caught up in trying to love him thru any flaws. But it backfired.

He is a loser and a big baby. I dont know why I care, its probably the way he ended it coldly and cowardly that is the hardest for me to deal with.

The only closure I got is the following words from his mouth.from him to me: "you are far too superior of a woman", "this is all my fault" "I am so so sorry" "you werent a waste of my time" "I loved you alot" "this has nothing to do with you as a person" "I am still attracted to you" "you are so beautiful"....Knowing this is how he felt makes me wonder why did he walk away? I guess thats what haunts me, I never have been so hurt in all my life

[YellowShark]

YES the first 2 yrs he lived with mommy and daddy..

 

Red flag...deal breaker.

 

...finally we moved into together and that didnt last cause he was too strung out on drugs..

 

Another red flag...deal breaker.

 

I loved him enough to help him through his recovery.

 

Why did you love a druggie who lived at home with his mommy and daddy?

 

They got their own place now and I am assuming shes okay with the big kid guy.

 

Assume nothing. Don't give a crap what she thinks. She's 18 and you've forgotten more about life already than she knows. Live your life and forget about her.

 

I knew I deserved better all along but I got caught up in trying to love him thru any flaws. But it backfired.

 

It didn't backfire. There was nothing to love in the first place. He was an illusion.

 

I dont know why I care,

 

Me either bluz.

 

...its probably the way he ended it coldly and cowardly that is the hardest for me to deal with.

 

Why do you need validation from him?

 

The only closure I got is the following words from his mouth.from him to me: "you are far too superior of a woman", "this is all my fault" "I am so so sorry" "you werent a waste of my time" "I loved you alot" "this has nothing to do with you as a person" "I am still attracted to you" "you are so beautiful"....

 

Closure is such an overused term. He sounds like a baby in a man's body.

 

Knowing this is how he felt makes me wonder why did he walk away? I guess thats what haunts me, I never have been so hurt in all my life

 

You said "I knew I deserved better all along..." and you do. Let go. He was a mistake and you got caught up being a surrogate mommy to him, not an equal partner. He was a mistake and you need to free yourself and forgive yourself for making a mistake. We're only humans after all.

 

Let go. Move forward and don't look back. Ok?