JaneInVegas Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 ... and I'm totally torn on the correct way to handle this. I'll be the first to admit I'm not the greatest mom in the world, but I always try my best. The other morning when I went into the bathroom there was hair dye everywhere - on the shower wall, on the toilet seat, splotches all over the floor, etc. She has dyed her hair plenty of times before and has made minor messes, but this was almost like an explosion. When I asked her about it she said she had just gotten off work and she was 'tired'. Later that day I scrolled through her texts and saw one to her boyfriend, "I was so messed up last night I don't even remember dying my hair." I confronted her about it, and got the usual teenage "deny deny deny" mantra. She has a part time job in the evenings that I am contemplating making her quit. Her schedule changes on a daily basis, and short of walking into her work every day (which I'm considering, but wondering if it would make an uncomfortable work situation for her) I have no way of confirming whether she's really at work or not. Her boyfriends place is a short walk from her work. He is a loser, and I'm sure whatever drugs she's doing, or alcohol, he's helping to supply it to her. He's 19, and has no accountability in his life whatsoever. I am also very tempted to make her break up with him, but is it really possible to break up a teenage relationship, short of moving to another state? I know there are parents that say "You just DO it!" but I'm not good enough of a mom to really know how to tackle such a thing. I can't even imagine the fallout from such a fight between us. I'm thinking drug tests about once a week without a discernible pattern. If/when she tests positive I ground her, for .... a month? I guess it depends on what exactly she tested positive for. A co-worker told me she thought random drug tests would be bad for her self-esteem, especially since I don't have any proof other than a text she said she made up for a laugh, still claiming the "tired" alibi. But I think random drug tests are probably my best course of action at this point in time. A couple of other things - she has openly admitted to me she smokes pot, and I read in her diary once where she did come kind of a drug that I can't remember the name of. Both times were over a year ago. Both times I sat down and had serious conversations with her about it, and told her I would not tolerate drug use. I am sooooo scared of my daughter turning into an addict. Any thoughts, insights, opinions are welcome ...
Art_Critic Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Did you clean up the mess in the bathroom instead of letting her clean up her own drug induced mess ? Enabling her behavior isn't doing her any good.. You called her out on the text.. Well ?? Deny Deny Deny doesn't hold weight with what she wrote in the text.. You just enabled that behavior by allowing her to get away with lying to you about her drug use. Drug tests won't work unless you hold her accountable for her own behavior.. She will just flunk it and say eff it.. Making her dump the BF will back fire quickly.. It sounds to me that you could use an uninterested third party to speak with about how to go about dealing with this.. Do you have any close friends or her teachers that you could ask about this ? I'm not exactly the best person to be giving advice on kids and drugs as I have the "my way or the highway mentality" built into me concerning raising kids and that sometimes isn't the most positive or best ways to go about handling something like this.. If she were my teen I would have her in rehab the next day though.. Drugs like she is taking will only have the worst effects on her life and future.. She doesn't even remember dying her hair.. and when does she turn 18.. you must do something before then...
Author JaneInVegas Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 I'm not sure drug rehab is the right way to go yet. She shows no sign of addictions, but I'm wanting to handle this correctly to circumvent that from happening in the first place. She keeps herself clean, good hygiene, she has no work related issues (at least none that I know of) and she's keeping up with all her responsibilities. And yes, I made her clean up that mess in the bathroom, I wasn't about to touch that one! She denied denied denied but I told her straight up I didn't believe her. I didn't punish her, but now wish that I had done so. I really try my best with her, but sometimes I lack a back bone. This is a critical time with her, and I know I have to figure it out. I know this. It's hard for me, but my daughter is my life, and I want to do my best for her.
Art_Critic Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 I'm not sure drug rehab is the right way to go yet. She shows no sign of addictions, but I'm wanting to handle this correctly to circumvent that from happening in the first place. She keeps herself clean, good hygiene, she has no work related issues (at least none that I know of) and she's keeping up with all her responsibilities. And yes, I made her clean up that mess in the bathroom, I wasn't about to touch that one! She denied denied denied but I told her straight up I didn't believe her. I didn't punish her, but now wish that I had done so. I really try my best with her, but sometimes I lack a back bone. This is a critical time with her, and I know I have to figure it out. I know this. It's hard for me, but my daughter is my life, and I want to do my best for her. Of course you are doing your best.. there are no bad parents unless they are absent.. Something to think about.. Your post was pretty much filled with some enabling denial overflowing on all the edges.. You should have made her clean up the mess not because you didn't want to but because she has to be responsible for her own drug use and the consequences that come along with it and if you had cleaned it up it would have been the same as saying "go ahead.. get trashed and I'll cover for you" and making her clean it up because you didn't want to sends the same message. Of course she shows signs of an addiction.. -She had memory loss.. -She has done this many times before.. The text message basically says that. -How can she really keep herself clean when she was so trashed she doesn't even remember dying her hair let alone messing up the bathroom? -She is negatively affecting your life and the family unit as well. -She admits to using pot and has written about doing other drugs. Have you figured out that that wasn't her first time .. or her last ? Maybe other posters can chime in with some options besides the one I would do.. Scorched earth is about the only thing I have in my arsenal as I believe that a teens life is made or broken at this age and up a few years...
Art_Critic Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 By the way Jane.. No judgment coming from me.. I'm just applying some tough love because I'm scared for your daughter and figured I needed to pipe up rather than slink away and not post..
D-Lish Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 I would be checking in on her at work- I'd also tell her you are going to be checking in. The threat alone might stop the lying. You can't make her break up with this guy- a teenage girl will rebel against this in the most destructive of ways. I did when I was young- I ran away from home when my parents tried to tell me I couldn't see my bf. It's not the right solution, it will backfire. She's not going to marry this guy, at 17- she's going to date a whole host of guys before settling with someone. She's at such a tender age- because she's seeking independance, and the more you challenge it, the more she's going to rebel. What other signs besides the hair dye incident make you believe she is an addict vs. an experimenting teen?
nittygritty Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Ground her from everything over the hair dye all over the bathroom. Go buy an at home drug test and make her take it in front of you. The tests are 99% percent accurate, there's no need to mail it in and the results are ready in 10 minutes. One like this: http://www.walgreens.com/store/catalog/Screening-Tests/At-Home-Drug-Test-12/ID=prod4021948-product This is about her having a possible drug and/or alcohol problem. Don't make it about the boyfriend. Keep the focus on her and her erratic behavior.
hotgurl Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 I agree making her Break up with the BF is a bad idea. I too would check up at work. Play dumb ask for her schedule. She if the times match up. I would also be tempted to call her doctor for advice. Say i suspect my daughter is doing drugs her symptons are x do you have any suggestions ie drug treatments, therapy, drug test etc.. also since she is forgetting stuff from being so trashed I would be tempted to take her in for stds test and Birth control assuming sh eis sexually active.
turnera Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Bring home a drug test and go in her room and tell her to take it. If she refuses, take away her phone and any other electronics until she does. It's time to start having the attitude that you ASSUME she is going to do what you tell her to do, as you are the PARENT. Letting her think she has a choice is a bad move; they will run with it. If she fails the drug test, take away the phone anyway, as well as all other electronics, including tv. Believe me, people CAN survive without cell phones - I did for over 40 years and I'm still alive! She can have the stuff back after she has passed two successive weekly drug tests. Thereafter, you will randomly be checking her every 2 weeks. Fail - lose stuff; pass - keep stuff. Also time to start checking up on her at school, etc. I told my DD19 once many years ago that if I ever found out she skipped school, I was going to quit my job, and my new job was going to be following her to school every day to make sure she went, and stayed. And if it got worse, I would go to CLASS with her to make sure (the horror!). You might want to try that - the sheer embarrassment may be enough. She never skipped a single day, until she was a senior; and that day, she asked me about it first, lol. I assume she's on birth control?
greengoddess Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 wow you guys are rough. Curious to the mom and the other people answering, what were you doing at 17? Our parents sure didn't have drug tests to do on us. I would absolutely HATE my mom and totally not respect her if she snooped in my diary and read my text messages. I would feel I had to hide everything. Do you want your daughter snooping in your texts?? She's almost 18. You need to sit down and have a very respectful, non confrontational chat with her telling her how worried you are about her and the repercussions the direction she is heading can lead. Ask her to take a good look at her boyfriend, that he may seem cool but when she's 19 like him where does she expect to be in life. Do you not allow her out if she is not working? Why would she lie to you about work? Talk to her. Tell her you are worried. See what she says. She's not 14 and beginning this. she is almost 18. Trust in how you raised her. Kids this age will definitely rebel if you come on to strong. They think they own the world at 17.
Spiritofnow Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Dear OP, Firstly, I would like to apologise if I am repeating anything that has already been said. First things first - you need to get to the real issue(s) behind her drug taking. It's not always down to recreational experimentation. I believe as with any kind of addictive behaviour/unhealthy way of living that the real issue is not the drug taking itself (this is a symptom of something larger) it is why she is taking drugs? The answer to that will most likely start of multi-faceted, but if you are able to dig deeper you will find a route cause. There is something she is trying to escape from. I had an experience of this with my son. When it was really noticeable was when he stopped caring about his appearance, stopped caring about the consequences of his actions, became totally disengaged at home and verbally and physically aggressive. I think the biggest lesson I learned was that you MUST respond appropriately to any behaviour which crosses over your boundaries immediately. When my son was physically aggressive I reported it to the police - went to the police station. They reprimanded him. When he went AWOL without my permission I reported him missing to the police. All the while this went on I tried my best to let him know that I still loved him and was here for him, but I made it quite clear over and over again that if he stepped out of line that I would be consistent and follow through. It got worse before it got better....it's tough, and sometimes you wish it would all go away, and you wonder what kind of mother you were for them to behave this way. However, in hindsight, it is important to remember that our children have total autonomy over their choices, and sometimes they choose really badly. And, then it's up to us to set the standard and get them back on the right track. I also sought outside help. Once I realised what it was that was causing my sons behaviour I was able to directly address that issues (he has counselling), and over time he has improved, because the route cause is being treated rather than just the symptoms--the drug taking. Be strong for her and you. Try your best to take care of yourself, because it is a emotionally and physically draining experience. Remember you are going to model the kind of behaviour you expect from her. I used to beat myself up about not being the best parent and feeling guilty about past events I wish I had of handled better, but you know it is futile to get stuck in that pattern. I tell myself that the best way to feel better about my past mistakes is to do the best I can now--you can't change the past, but you can make the future better. My son is off the drugs, at school every day (I reported him missing to the police if he skipped school and then escorted him on the school premises the next day, and he eventually realised there was no where to run), communicates with me, and is generally an annoying teen. We still have some way to go, and I am still consistent and remind him of the boundaries. She has to have appropriate consequences which match her actions. I wish you luck. I will check in with this post and see how you are getting on.
turnera Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 I would absolutely HATE my mom and totally not respect her if she snooped in my diary and read my text messages. I would feel I had to hide everything. Do you want your daughter snooping in your texts?? Her daughter obviously ALREADY does not respect her mother. Talking is always good but at this point her daughter is most likely WAY beyond thinking that she can sit down and sing kumbayah with her mom. Her mom is the enemy, when it comes to what she does. She is too smart for that. She does drugs. She LIKES drugs. She has no INTENTION of stopping drugs just because her mom thinks it's wrong. At this point, the only thing that will have an impact on her is CONSEQUENCES. It's not her mom's job to be her friend; it's to keep her healthy and safe and hopefully from turning into a heroin addict or pregnant. Let her grow up a little, and they can sit down and talk about 'those crazy teen years when I almost went ballistic.' And it is ABSOLUTELY a mother's right and perogative to 'snoop' in a child's texts if she is exhibiting illegal and dangerous behavior. It is her JOB as the ADULT in the house, who is responsible for raising her daughter safely.
greengoddess Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 I must have missed something. Where in her post do you get she does drugs she likes drugs. She said she was so messed up she doesn't remember dying her hair. Ok drugs alcohol. Yep. But is it a pattern? I didn't see any indication it was. I see her involved with a new dirtbag boyfriend leading her the wrong way. Consequences don't work well for an almost 18 year old. It doesn't sound like the kid has been some horrible problem child failing out of school and staying out all night but she may become one if she loses all respect for her mom and feel she has to hide things. The girl has a job and has been responsible with it at 17. I never said anything about being her friend. I said to TALK to her not start drug testing her. Were you an angel child growing up? Would you have liked random drug tests, snooping in your diary and text messages????
turnera Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Actually, I pretty much was an angel child growing up, despite being friends with a druggie and hanging out with druggies always trying to get me to join them. My mom was absent working or drinking. So I know what I WISH she would have done - put her foot down, and I would have loved her to check on my texting (assuming cell phones had been invented yet, lol), to show me that she cared and loved me. I had to say no on my own, and risk ostracism.
bentnotbroken Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Caught my oldest high on weed once. Took everything except the clothes they were wearing. I made life pretty uncomfortable. Our children don't come with manuels, just don't enable, seek help if you need and don't wait until you are positive....that could be too late.
turnera Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Caught my oldest high on weed once. Took everything except the clothes they were wearing. I made life pretty uncomfortable. Our children don't come with manuels, just don't enable, seek help if you need and don't wait until you are positive....that could be too late. Exactly. Let them have consequences while they are still with you, so they think twice when they are gone and have to make up their own minds. The best thing I ever heard was this. A speaker at an elementary PTA meeting said he'd been there all day watching parents scurrying up all day long, bringing forgotten lunches or papers or supplies. He said something like "What is going to happen if they forget their lunch and have to eat the school's peanut butter sandwhich? Will they starve? No. Will they remember their lunch the next day? Probably. A C on a 3rd grade paper because he forgot it and brings it in the next day is not going to keep your child from getting into Harvard. But it WILL help him remember his paper the next day. And set the stage for a lifetime of responsibility. Let him learn his consequences now, while he's young and at home, and they are little consequences like a PB&J, so he doesn't learn his consequences later, when they are bigger ones, like jail."
candymoon Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 She has a part time job in the evenings that I am contemplating making her quit. Might not want to do that. It would just mean more free time for her to get high, drunk, or hang out with her ridiculous boyfriend. Her schedule changes on a daily basis, and short of walking into her work every day (which I'm considering, but wondering if it would make an uncomfortable work situation for her) Assuming she is working retail or a counter somewhere, I hardly doubt she noticing you casually strolling by will be an interruption of her working. I have no opinion whether this is a good idea or not. She would certainly be annoyed, but who cares? You're looking out for her, and if you do stroll by, she will look back in 20years and see just how much her mom cared. I am also very tempted to make her break up with him, but is it really possible to break up a teenage relationship, short of moving to another state? I know there are parents that say "You just DO it!" but I'm not good enough of a mom to really know how to tackle such a thing. I can't even imagine the fallout from such a fight between us. No way to break it up without some serious rebellion as other say. Meaning an increase of her seeing him and bonding more with him to take a stab at you. The problem isnt the boyfriend. He and her suspected drug/alcohol use are symptoms of her own inner struggles. I'm thinking drug tests about once a week without a discernible pattern. If/when she tests positive I ground her, for .... a month? I guess it depends on what exactly she tested positive for. It doesnt matter what she tests positive for. Any substance is cause for instant punishment. Any thoughts, insights, opinions are welcome ... You never mentioned how she is doing is school. What are her grades like? She will be a senior in fall. Does she have plans for college, trade school, the military, work? Are you helping her with those things? Besides the boyfriend, what are her female friends like? ANd most importantly, where is her dad? I'd think if she has goals and is working towards attaining them then this is probably a passing trade and she is experimenting as many many kids do at this age. And even if this is the case, you still need to set your boundaries and respond with appropriate action. Good luck.
vestigalvirgin Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 ... and I'm totally torn on the correct way to handle this. I'll be the first to admit I'm not the greatest mom in the world, but I always try my best. Dad = disciplinarian; mom = love-giver. It's extremely difficult for one person to play both roles. The other morning when I went into the bathroom there was hair dye everywhere - on the shower wall, on the toilet seat, splotches all over the floor, etc. She has dyed her hair plenty of times before and has made minor messes, but this was almost like an explosion. Tell her seriously that when she dyes her hair it makes her look like a circus clown. Tell her she looks better with her natural hair color. Also tell her all the chemicals are bad for her hair. When I asked her about it she said she had just gotten off work and she was 'tired'. Later that day I scrolled through her texts and saw one to her boyfriend, "I was so messed up last night I don't even remember dying my hair." I confronted her about it, and got the usual teenage "deny deny deny" mantra. Ask her what she was messed up on. (By the way you never got drunk or high when you were a teenager?) She has a part time job in the evenings that I am contemplating making her quit. Why? Her schedule changes on a daily basis, and short of walking into her work every day (which I'm considering, but wondering if it would make an uncomfortable work situation for her) I have no way of confirming whether she's really at work or not. It's her job, not yours. Her boyfriends place is a short walk from her work. He is a loser, and I'm sure whatever drugs she's doing, or alcohol, he's helping to supply it to her. This is where the girl's father, if she has an involved father, is supposed to step in and put the fear of god into the loser bf. By the way if you actually think he is supplying her with drugs then you report the loser to the police. He's 19, and has no accountability in his life whatsoever. I am also very tempted to make her break up with him, but is it really possible to break up a teenage relationship, short of moving to another state? I know there are parents that say "You just DO it!" but I'm not good enough of a mom to really know how to tackle such a thing. I can't even imagine the fallout from such a fight between us. You can't make her break up with him because they can always sneak around behind your back. She needs an active, involved father figure in her life. No easy solutions to this problem. I'm thinking drug tests about once a week without a discernible pattern. What about alcohol? If/when she tests positive I ground her, for .... a month? I guess it depends on what exactly she tested positive for. A co-worker told me she thought random drug tests would be bad for her self-esteem, especially since I don't have any proof other than a text she said she made up for a laugh, still claiming the "tired" alibi. Why do you assume "messed up" meant anything other than alcohol? Face it, alcohol is the easiest drug to acquire. You can't stop her if she wants to drink. But I think random drug tests are probably my best course of action at this point in time. A couple of other things - she has openly admitted to me she smokes pot, and I read in her diary once where she did come kind of a drug that I can't remember the name of. You need to understand that you CANNOT stop her from using alcohol, pot, or anything else. Random drug tests are pointless and unnecessary, you already know she was high on something the other night. You don't need a test. You need to de escalate and redirect your confrontational energy. You will create an unwinnable battle. The ONLY solution to this kind of problem is to find ways to spend more time with your daughter. Both times were over a year ago. That's a long time for a seventeen year old. Both times I sat down and had serious conversations with her about it, and told her I would not tolerate drug use. Meaning what? What meaningful consequence could you impose on her, that you would actually impose on her? Don't make threats that you can't or won't follow through on. You CANNOT "win" with a directly confrontational approach with a seventeen year old. They can be irrational far longer than you can be "tough." They will take you right over that cliff with them. You don't stop a wild stampeding stallion by standing in front of it and saying "Stop or Else." That just gets you trampled. You have to jump on its back, grab the reins, and hold on for a rough and bumpy ride, trying to get them under control. Ultimately both horse and rider must decide that they want to go in the same direction. You need to de-escalate, calm things down...your strategy needs to be to appeal to the RATIONAL part of your child's mind, not the emotional, irrational part. I am sooooo scared of my daughter turning into an addict. This is the type of overwrought emotionalism that only makes the problem you are facing that much worse. How insulting to your daughter to imply that you think she would "turn into an addict" because she got drunk or high on pot or something else a few times. That's absurd. She actually sounds like a pretty hard-working person--school, job, that's really stressful. Being in a relationship with a loser, also very stressful. Her use of alcohol/drugs at this point sounds recreational/stress relieving. Don't expect rational thought and behavior from your daughter unless you can model it for her. If you want her to learn to behave rationally, then show her how to do so. Any thoughts, insights, opinions are welcome ... My primary thought is that teenagers need to have two parents in a functional marital relationship and even then it can be very difficult to raise them. Maybe you need to lay your cards on the table. Explain your expectations, not while you're angry because something just happened, but at a calm time and in a calm manner. Then explain what consequences you will impose if your expectations are not met. Also give your daughter a chance for input into the situation. You will have to do this kind of thing repeatedly and you will have to be patient, very patient. It's not your daughter's fault that she doesn't have a father.
bentnotbroken Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 A mother is just as capable as a father in dealing with "tough" issues whether emotional or not. I and many like me have played the role of disciplinarian since our children's birth, even though dad was here and involved when his job allowed. Having active involved parents is the ideal situation, but for some that isn't the case. She can control what her daughter does and who she sees until she is of legal age. It is difficult, but not impossible. It is tiring, but not impossible. It consuming, but not impossible. Dying one's hair doesn't mean they look like a clown or are in danger from chemical overload. Hence my own dye. It appears that by your statement no parent is to ever say to a child what they expect and what they fear, while being emotional...bull. You need to understand that unless you are a parent or have acted in that compacity for someone you don't have a clue what it takes to parent or to be concerned enough to prevent the worst. We all said the things we would and would not do when we became parents. Half that went out the window the minute we realized that we were responsible for this precious life and there were going to be some tough, unpopular and possibly relationship straining decisions. Your assumptions about this child's issues(which appear to just be boundary testing) all stem from some lack of father....mmmm....sure.
vestigalvirgin Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 A mother is just as capable as a father in dealing with "tough" issues whether emotional or not. Which mother would that be? I and many like me have played the role of disciplinarian since our children's birth, even though dad was here and involved when his job allowed. That doesn't mean you were "more capable" in the disciplinary function than "dad" would have been. Having active involved parents is the ideal situation, but for some that isn't the case. No need to re-state the obvious, is there? She can control what her daughter does and who she sees until she is of legal age. Actually, what she's finding out is that she cannot "control" her daughter, at all. She can try to influence her daughter in positive ways. The reality is that if the daughter wants to see 19 year old loser bf there's no earthly way of stopping her. No matter how much you want to pretend otherwise. It is difficult, but not impossible. It is tiring, but not impossible. It consuming, but not impossible. It is impossible for all practical purposes. If the daughter wants to see this or any other bf on the sly, she can do so. Easily. Dying one's hair doesn't mean they look like a clown or are in danger from chemical overload. I never said it meant that, however, we can assume that whatever crazy home made dye job this girl did probably is less than salon quality. In any case, I said the mom should TELL the daughter it doesn't look good. Rather than give the girl positive reinforcement. Also chemicals in hair dye are NOT good for one's hair. I never said she was in danger from chemical overload. Why do women, in particular, love to emotionally twist around what has been said, to mean something different? Hence my own dye. There ya go. You saw my criticism of the girl as criticism of you. You're a grown woman, a mom yourself, who thinks you should be IDENTIFYING with the teenage girl. That's exactly the WRONG approach to take with a girl like this. The girl is not an independent adult. You get to dye your hair, she doesn't. What's right for you, an adult, is not right for the girl. Every single behavior this girl is now exhibiting, is a learned behavior, perhaps distorted, but learned. Either from someone in her own family, or from friends, or from somewhere. If she is picking loser boyfriends it is JUST REMOTELY POSSIBLE that she is emulating what her own mother did? I don't know. Maybe yes, maybe no? It appears that by your statement no parent is to ever say to a child what they expect and what they fear, while being emotional...bull. Your emotional response to what I said, is precisely the wrong sort of role modeling that this teenage girl requires. What I said in my prior post was that it is insulting and ridiculous for a parent to assume that just because a teenager uses some pot and gets a drunk a few times they will somehow automatically descend into addiction. That's just giving the child an expectation to live DOWN to, not expressing an ideal for the child to live up to. Parents have to be more mature than their children. Which means, no, the parent SHOULD NOT express every emotional fear they have to their child. It's not the child's role to be dumped on by the parents for an emotional release. The child learns emotional control, rationality, and maturity when the parent is able to display same on a consistent basis. If the parent behaves irrationally then why expect anything different from the child? The child is doing what she is doing--the dye jobs, the boyfriend, the drinking/drugs, even the part time job--because she is "trying to be a grown up." She is modeling what she perceives as "grown up" behavior as best she can, even if in a distorted way. At age 17 she is on the cusp of adulthood anyway. She cannot be "controlled." She CAN be guided. She CAN be taught. You need to understand that unless you are a parent or have acted in that compacity for someone you don't have a clue what it takes to parent or to be concerned enough to prevent the worst. I most certainly have a clue. I know that fathers have to be very involved and apparently your husband was not. The excuse being that he had to work or whatever and you had to take up his slack. Therefore you justify that you are every bit as good at the father's function. Not likely. What you SHOULD have done is INSIST that the father of your children PLAY A FULL PARENTAL role. That's what I "know" about parenting. I do know that many women are motivated by emotion and vanity, yourself included. Why are you dying your hair? Aren't you happy with the way your hair looks naturally? If not, why not? Now go ahead and have an irrational outraged response rather than a rational response, I won't be surprised. We all said the things we would and would not do when we became parents. Half that went out the window the minute we realized that we were responsible for this precious life and there were going to be some tough, unpopular and possibly relationship straining decisions. How about getting the dad of your children fully involved with your kids? Is there some reason you're not doing that? Your assumptions about this child's issues(which appear to just be boundary testing) all stem from some lack of father....mmmm....sure. Yes of course, fathers are not necessary. That's why OP is posting in the first place.
bentnotbroken Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 You are a sexist in your statement of women not being as capable as men in discipline, and only parenting the way you perceive. It's not true. I am certainly as good if not better than a number(not all real men) of men in parenting. There are some great father's out there who don't need to take pot shots at women to feel like men. Read my story and find about my children and there father. Dismissed.
bentnotbroken Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 (edited) Which mother would that be? Every mother who desires to. That doesn't mean you were "more capable" in the disciplinary function than "dad" would have been. Yes, he is/was a pushover where they are concerned No need to re-state the obvious, is there? Only obvious to those with those glasse you are wearing. Actually, what she's finding out is that she cannot "control" her daughter, at all. She can try to influence her daughter in positive ways. The reality is that if the daughter wants to see 19 year old loser bf there's no earthly way of stopping her. No matter how much you want to pretend otherwise. No pretending necessary. Unless you have had a personal conversation or interviewed every woman in the world you can't possibly know what works and doesn't work for all mothers(and single fathers in the case of having to be mothers) and their children. It is impossible for all practical purposes. If the daughter wants to see this or any other bf on the sly, she can do so. Easily. She can if the mother isn't vigilant, like keeping tabs on her with a GPS tracking phone. Some of us do that with all our kids. I have the resources, others may not. It tends to keep them in line when they don't know when and where you will show up. I never said it meant that, however, we can assume that whatever crazy home made dye job this girl did probably is less than salon quality. In any case, I said the mom should TELL the daughter it doesn't look good. Rather than give the girl positive reinforcement. Also chemicals in hair dye are NOT good for one's hair. I never said she was in danger from chemical overload. Why do women, in particular, love to emotionally twist around what has been said, to mean something different? Home made dye jobs as you call them went out a while ago. There are products on the shelves that women and men use to change their appearance for whatever reasons. They are simple to use and unless pregnant or one has some type of health issue are safe. There is no emotional twist...only the glasses you are wearing. There ya go. You saw my criticism of the girl as criticism of you. You're a grown woman, a mom yourself, who thinks you should be IDENTIFYING with the teenage girl. That's exactly the WRONG approach to take with a girl like this. The girl is not an independent adult. You get to dye your hair, she doesn't. What's right for you, an adult, is not right for the girl. Sorry to dissapoint, but a skilled anaylist you're not. Why would I care if you critiscized my hair...you are who? I do identify with teens, it's part of my job as a professional and as mother. I also happened to have been a teen once upon a time and I didn't forget what it was like to feel certain things, be confused and wanting to do things just to buck the authority patrol. A 17 year old dying her hair isn't a sign of something that is amiss or abnormal. And your term "a girl like this" means what exactly? Every parent needs to pick what battles are most important, depending on the age and maturity level of the child involved....dye in her hair is miniscule and something that can be changed. Every single behavior this girl is now exhibiting, is a learned behavior, perhaps distorted, but learned. Either from someone in her own family, or from friends, or from somewhere. If she is picking loser boyfriends it is JUST REMOTELY POSSIBLE that she is emulating what her own mother did? I don't know. Maybe yes, maybe no Exactly, you don't know. You are only speculating with all the babble you have going on because you don't know if it it the modeled behavior, lack of a parent or something biological. A number of mental health issues persent themselves in the teen years when hormone levels are subject to change quickly. Your emotional response to what I said, is precisely the wrong sort of role modeling that this teenage girl requires. What I said in my prior post was that it is insulting and ridiculous for a parent to assume that just because a teenager uses some pot and gets a drunk a few times they will somehow automatically descend into addiction. A parent expressed her fear her, for other parents to support her. It is "normal" to fear the worst for your chidlren. It is also normal to temper those thoughts wtih common sense and research, which she was trying to sort out. That's just giving the child an expectation to live DOWN to, not expressing an ideal for the child to live up to. Parents have to be more mature than their children. Which means, no, the parent SHOULD NOT express every emotional fear they have to their child. It's not the child's role to be dumped on by the parents for an emotional release. The child learns emotional control, rationality, and maturity when the parent is able to display same on a consistent basis. If the parent behaves irrationally then why expect anything different from the child? Again assumptions on your part. I don't know maybe you are living from experience of how you were parented or the mistakes you made as a parent. Some of us are living with a different experience and our outcomes have been different. The child is doing what she is doing--the dye jobs, the boyfriend, the drinking/drugs, even the part time job--because she is "trying to be a grown up." She is modeling what she perceives as "grown up" behavior as best she can, even if in a distorted way. At age 17 she is on the cusp of adulthood anyway. She is being a normal teen. She doesn't have to see anything at home, it is in society everyday about what it is to be a grown up who is cool. Every generation deals with the same things at different levels. She cannot be "controlled." She CAN be guided. She CAN be taught. You're right she can't be controlled, but her actions CAN. She will eventually learn what her mother is trying to do. I most certainly have a clue. I know that fathers have to be very involved and apparently your husband was not. The excuse being that he had to work or whatever and you had to take up his slack. Therefore you justify that you are every bit as good at the father's function. Not likely. No you are only speaking from your dismissal of women. Whether it is disrespect, jealousy or ignorance...I don't know and it doesn't matter really. There was no excuse stated, but a fact. The fact is that he traveled for his job and as a SAHM, by his insistance, there was one income and he liked to live a certain way. And yes it is not only likely, it is a fact that I am as good if not better at the father's function. What you SHOULD have done is INSIST that the father of your children PLAY A FULL PARENTAL role. That's what I "know" about parenting. Insisting means what, since I can't control anyone. If I am incapable of controlling a teen, why would I be capable of controlling a grown man? I do know that many women are motivated by emotion and vanity, yourself included. Wrong again, some of us are driven by the love of God, family and community. I take good care of myself so that I can stay actively involved in my community and with my kids and if some day if God is willing, my grandkids. Why are you dying your hair? Aren't you happy with the way your hair looks naturally? If not, why not? I wanted to try the purple this week. Now go ahead and have an irrational outraged response rather than a rational response, I won't be surprised. You don't need anything you have already got the glasses. How about getting the dad of your children fully involved with your kids? Is there some reason you're not doing that? They don't want him around them...I am good with that. Yes of course, fathers are not necessary. That's why OP is posting in the first place.[/ Not if it is father who doesn't respect women. Edited July 10, 2010 by bentnotbroken
vestigalvirgin Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 How about getting the dad of your children fully involved with your kids? Is there some reason you're not doing that? They don't want him around them...I am good with that. Well seems the two of you did a bang-up job there.
bentnotbroken Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Well seems the two of you did a bang-up job there. Thank you. God is good:)
turnera Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Well seems the two of you did a bang-up job there. What is your problem?
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