You know what LS has taught me about all of us and our perceptions on life, dating?

[bananaboat11]

First, I know.. I'm a jerk/ass. Take this as you well, but I include myself in this rationale. And before you shut my view/s and opinions down - take a step back and think about it.

 

 

Where are we all at emotionally? We all seem to seek some external validation, whether we choose to admit it or not. Why else are we posting on this forum? For some reason or another we possess some doubt in our own understanding of what's healthy and what's not. What is good and what is bad. Why? I don't know... We've all, for some reason or another, endured some sort of heartbreak or rejection that has brought us to question ourselves... our actions... our situations... our very lives. So here we come.. to LS to find some satisfaction in hearing others tell us it's not us that's the problem.

 

LS seems to be a very supportive forum - and it's comforting, but what if we really do have a small problem that needs addressing and we come here to avoid it?

 

I think in some sense... We're all blind to see that these social norms, rather, our conceptualized views of these norms and acceptance of what constitutes a healthy relationship and/or dating is all relative to the situation.

 

Why must we place terms on everything? The Alpha and beta men & women.... we complain day in and day out about who we are and how you fail at something or another... every so often there is a positive thread which is amazing, but those who are having successes usually don't come back. I think we may be over analyzing EVERYTHING... we do we have to think how to live? Why do we try to have someone else tell us what to do / to change to engage a situation????

 

...why not be yourself. Why not engage the situation the way YOU want to. If the person is right for you... the situation will unfold as it should be for you both. If not... well, why waste your time on someone who doesn't want to compromise? Isn't that what a relationship is? Two individuals who live separate lives compromising to combine their lifestyles into one.

 

I want to begin to see more threads focusing on the positive of each of us... and our situations. A situation doesn't work out? It wasn't you. It wasn't them. It just wasn't a match meant to be. If you want to dutch the tab and she is against it? you know what... man up, pay the damn tab... but don't go out with her again. If you see value in investing in her as a potential life partner... you would compromise. And if she saw value in you to invest... she would dutch it. No?

 

Neither one of you compromised. Great. She's hot. Yay. So many more hot girls out there who WOULD dutch the bill who would probably be worth investing in emotionally, intellectually, etc... you just need to keep being YOU... and not wallow in your own self pity. And for once... I'm taking my own advice.

 

(Actually did and now I have a date with a girl I've had my eye on for awhile. Not that it matters, but I'm actually happy. I know this girl, too... so I can say she's worth the investment.)

 

Back to the thread at hand... yeah. Be you, LSer. It's probably the best decision you'll ever make. I know we all say, "yeah, I am being myself." No you're not. There are aspects to you that you take advice from media... from friends... from LS. Admit it. We all do.

 

I have. I know you have too.

 

But F it. I'm going to be myself. If someone can't accept that... then find someone who will.

[robdrm32]

I agree with alot of what you said.

 

Only that people like myself, come here for an outside opinion on a situation in their lives. You can go to all your friends/family and ask their advice but there is a good chance it will be bias, they like/love you and want to be on your side.

 

This site offers harsh anonymity so people can divulge a situation as they see it, and a total stranger won't mind telling them they are being a dope, or are surrounded by dopes.

 

Being yourself is good advice i must say.

[bananaboat11]

I agree with alot of what you said.

 

Only that people like myself, come here for an outside opinion on a situation in their lives. You can go to all your friends/family and ask their advice but there is a good chance it will be bias, they like/love you and want to be on your side.

 

This site offers harsh anonymity so people can divulge a situation as they see it, and a total stranger won't mind telling them they are being a dope, or are surrounded by dopes.

 

Being yourself is good advice i must say.

 

 

It would seem obvious... but it isn't among us. heh.

[vestigalvirgin]

I think it's OK to be yourself unless "yourself" happens to be an azz.

 

What you are implying but not really saying is that a lot of people have relationship problems because they are personally deficient in some serious manner.

 

I think it's pretty obvious that a lot of people posting here have some very serious hangups but very little insight or self-awareness.

 

The whole "dutch treat" thing is the perfect example. All the women who are so offended by the notion of going dutch don't realize how shallow the entire issue is.

 

If a man does not want to pay for the woman on the first date, maybe it's simply because he doesn't see any need to give her a free ride. Maybe he's cheap, maybe he's not.

 

But it's certainly not a basis to judge whether someone else is datable. After all if men used that standard then all the women insisting on not paying would have to get dumped. Right?

 

I agree that you have to be who you are, and what I don't really see discussed too much by people here is what kind of people they should or are trying to be.

[counterman]

This has opened up my eyes about who's fault it is in certain situations. There probably is no one's fault... things just did not work out. It is tiring holding a grudge or blaming someone for somethings that happen. I came on here asking for perspective on my situation and my state of mind then was that I was doubting myself and who I was as a person. This stemmed from taking the responsibility for everything that went wrong in my relationship. What I realised is that it wasn't all me... and that realisation was what set me back on track. But it is true, we do come on here to seek validation on how right we are and how wrong the other person is in situations.

 

I agree that we should approach things the way WE would rather than what another person says. I also think learning from your own experience is better than someone telling you their experience and you trying to incorporate in similar situations. In saying that, we thoughts may be biased - others providing their perspectives and opinions may help us form our own.

[lab_brat]

I love it that we all come here looking for advice on love and dating from people that are just like us its like the blind leading the blind. It's comforting though - i like knowing I'm not the only one that gets insecure and fixates on the little things. I also find it empowering in a way - that if someone treats me in a particular way i can step back and consider what advice i'd give if it happened to one of you guys.

[bananaboat11]

I love it that we all come here looking for advice on love and dating from people that are just like us its like the blind leading the blind. It's comforting though - i like knowing I'm not the only one that gets insecure and fixates on the little things. I also find it empowering in a way - that if someone treats me in a particular way i can step back and consider what advice i'd give if it happened to one of you guys.

 

I would like to say Its safe to assume you are a scientist, like myself?

[SarahRose]

I think it's OK to be yourself unless "yourself" happens to be an azz.

 

What you are implying but not really saying is that a lot of people have relationship problems because they are personally deficient in some serious manner.

 

I think it's pretty obvious that a lot of people posting here have some very serious hangups but very little insight or self-awareness.

 

The whole "dutch treat" thing is the perfect example. All the women who are so offended by the notion of going dutch don't realize how shallow the entire issue is.

 

If a man does not want to pay for the woman on the first date, maybe it's simply because he doesn't see any need to give her a free ride. Maybe he's cheap, maybe he's not.

 

But it's certainly not a basis to judge whether someone else is datable. After all if men used that standard then all the women insisting on not paying would have to get dumped. Right?

 

I agree that you have to be who you are, and what I don't really see discussed too much by people here is what kind of people they should or are trying to be.

 

Most likely cheap and wants something for nothing.

 

So you pay for a meal for the two of you. How are you giving someone a free ride? Aren't you eating too and probably a hell of a lot more than she does.

[tkgirl]

It would seem obvious... but it isn't among us. heh.

 

I've been around on LS for a looooong time and the one thing that has become really clear to me is the importance of having a good self esteem and it's affect on relationships. Knowing who you are and LIKING who you are too! It's a work in progress for sure... but once you find yourself on that path everything just falls into place... and all the other BS just doesn't matter all that much.

 

great post BB!

[Morals]

Two words...

 

Analysis Paralysis. I think that most of us here are probably afflicted by it. It's the reason we come here. We require understanding of situations. Where most people only require acceptance, we also require understanding.

 

It's not necessarily a bad thing. But it can be bad at some points.

[gamma1]

...why not be yourself. Why not engage the situation the way YOU want to. If the person is right for you... the situation will unfold as it should be for you both. If not... well, why waste your time on someone who doesn't want to compromise? Isn't that what a relationship is? Two individuals who live separate lives compromising to combine their lifestyles into one.

 

But F it. I'm going to be myself. If someone can't accept that... then find someone who will.

 

Being yourself is good advice i must say.

 

I think it's OK to be yourself unless "yourself" happens to be an azz.

It would be so nice if "be yourself" worked and everything magically fell into place. Unfortunately, there are parts of myself that cause most women to not want to date me, such as feeling desperate for a relationship. Finding what these are and changing enough of them is the only way I'll have a chance.

[Crazy Magnet]

I know I have still have problems defining healthy and unhealthy post divorce. It's like the big D screwed me so much in the head that I always second guess my judgment now. I mean, how could I have gotten it SO wrong the first time??

 

LS was one of many things that helped me jump back on the path. I was terrified of "dating around" until I saw so many people here doing it so I tried it.

 

Coming here has helped me to redefine that for myself. I don't date the way most people on LS seem to but I'm always successful. I'm in the best relationship of my life, he's absolutely perfect for me and I couldn't be more in love. I am most definitely myself again and I can see that in the relationship I currently have.

 

And for the record, I think we tell a lot of people they are in fact the problem but they don't want to listen! lol

[xpaperxcutx]

For me, LS is exceptionally comforting because there are actually people on here who share the things I'm going thru emotionally and it's easier to find support. But at times it's also made cynical about love because I've to learn alot of tings on here that I'd not known before, which in a way has me more guarded against other people.

[sumdude]

I know I have still have problems defining healthy and unhealthy post divorce. It's like the big D screwed me so much in the head that I always second guess my judgment now. I mean, how could I have gotten it SO wrong the first time??

 

LS was one of many things that helped me jump back on the path. I was terrified of "dating around" until I saw so many people here doing it so I tried it.

 

 

Same here, years ago I started off in the Family forum, moved to the Getting Married forum, then Marriage & Life Partnerships followed unfortunately by Separation & Divorce and finally ending up here at Dating. I've received a lot of advice and support along the way and try to give back.

 

A lot of the time it isn't about getting validation or advice but more just having someone who's been through or going through it to commiserate with.

[Calendula]

OP, I think your post is awesome, and right on. More people should just work on being themselves. I think it is important for people to accept that sometimes things between two people (or in life) simply don't work out, to not be so overly worried about what others think, and to stop trying to force their life/ relationship/ experiences to be something that doesn't really fit them. I hope the thread stays near the top of this forum for a good while so more people can benefit from the insight it provides.

 

As far as I am concerned, I come back to LS to both give and gain insight and perspective. Reading the stories of others sometimes helps me to process events in my own life and to fully appreciate what I have and/or haven't had to deal with. We are all unique in so many ways and for so many reasons, and we are all constantly changing. Hopefully we are all working on becoming the person we truly want to be, by understanding ourselves and how we interact with the world around us better, but to do this requires a great deal of self- and life- analysis. As a scientist, I have little trouble turning my analytical skills inward to better understand myself, my life, and my reasons/ actions, but I also recognize that 'analysis paralysis' is an issue I have had to deal with and still sometimes face.

 

Overall, I believe that finding balance between analysis and acceptance for all things (self, events, others, etc) is one of the keys to finding happiness in life, and it is something I seek to do every day.

[Crazy Magnet]

Same here, years ago I started off in the Family forum, moved to the Getting Married forum, then Marriage & Life Partnerships followed unfortunately by Separation & Divorce and finally ending up here at Dating. I've received a lot of advice and support along the way and try to give back.

 

A lot of the time it isn't about getting validation or advice but more just having someone who's been through or going through it to commiserate with.

 

 

I only wish I would have found this when going through my divorce. I didn't have any friends who had gone through such horrible divorces before. I felt as if I was the only girl in the world married to a guy with secret bank accounts, his dick on the internet, who banged male hookers on the side... And that's the tip of the iceberg. Now I know there is equally awful crap happening to other people. It sucks for all of us, but at least I know now that I'm not totally alone.

 

I do hate how cynical a lot of posts here are about love but I get where they are coming from. I try to put all of that past hurt behind me. However, it's part of who I am now and I'll probably never shake it off completely.

 

OP, I think your post is awesome, and right on. More people should just work on being themselves. I think it is important for people to accept that sometimes things between two people (or in life) simply don't work out, to not be so overly worried about what others think, and to stop trying to force their life/ relationship/ experiences to be something that doesn't really fit them.

 

This too. IRL I see so many friends trying to make a relationship work when the end goals of the two people involved are the complete opposite (marriage vs. absolutely never marriage type stuff). I have other friends who freak out b/c I'm moving in with my BF and they don't want me to get hurt. Well, guess what....relationships end and the world goes on! lol I've survived break ups before I can survive another one. I know it may seem like the end of the world for a bit, but only we hold ourselves back from moving forward.

[Green]

LS has taught me nothing, I enjoy entertaining my self through it though.

 

I often try to teach people the things I know but it seems they rarely understand/listen.

[Calendula]

I often try to teach people the things I know but it seems they rarely understand/listen.

 

I believe that even if a certain post you made in a certain thread wasn't understood or acted upon by the person you originally posted it for, it doesn't mean that someone, somewhere, sometime didn't/won't get any benefit out of it. One of the beautiful things about LS is that people can spend hours reading posts from the past that relate to their situation, and access the knowledge, advice, and input that others have exchanged years back. Just because the person you posted for may not get what you were trying to say dosn't mean that you haven't helped someone, somewhere, in some way.

[Green]

I believe that even if a certain post you made in a certain thread wasn't understood or acted upon by the person you originally posted it for, it doesn't mean that someone, somewhere, sometime didn't/won't get any benefit out of it. One of the beautiful things about LS is that people can spend hours reading posts from the past that relate to their situation, and access the knowledge, advice, and input that others have exchanged years back. Just because the person you posted for may not get what you were trying to say dosn't mean that you haven't helped someone, somewhere, in some way.

 

Good point. not to mention the butterfly effect.

[Crusoe]

LS has taught me nothing, I enjoy entertaining my self through it though.

 

I often try to teach people the things I know but it seems they rarely understand/listen.

 

I don't always agree with the things you say Green, but it is obvious all you are trying to do is help the young fellas on here and you do cop some unnecessary flak at times.

 

However, doesn't the fact that LS has taught you nothing, show that you also are guilty of neither listening or understanding?

[Choboto]

Most likely cheap and wants something for nothing.

 

So you pay for a meal for the two of you. How are you giving someone a free ride? Aren't you eating too and probably a hell of a lot more than she does.

 

becuase women have jobs now and you arnt dating on the first date so why do you need to pay for her **** when you barely know her? Why cant a women pay for the meal? are they cheap? this isnt the 50's anymore, men and women equally bring the bread home at the end of the night. Shouldnt force one gender to hold the role of paying when all parties have jobs and can afford it. However if you invite someone out then it would be proper to offer paying. But so many times a girl will ask a guy out and the guy still ends up paying.

[Nuprin]

I just recently joined but I have been browsing this site for over a year after a harsh breakup.

 

What I learned from LS? That there are a lot of A-holes in this world who like to add unnecessary baggage to people's views on relationships. Like a gaggle of understanding friends who come to give advice and new perspectives on what went wrong (sans booze).

 

If this site also came with a bar, I would never leave.

 

Plus, it's like therapy without the cost of a overpaid, uninterested professional who ask inane questions like "how do you feel about that?" It feels like flaming dog diahrrea obviously. Idiots.

[Shakz]

I've learned how to relax and simply enjoy the company of women, without feeling like I have to put on a show. That women often have the same insecurities I have. It's paid off. I have a hot one for tomorrow evening, and I "can't wait."