rocbrown Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 I have been married for 20 years. My wife went on a trip with her g/f's a few years ago and came back and talked constantly about the male attention she received. It finally came to the point where I had to stop her. I said that a husband can only here so much about it. It got to me so much I went to counselling and the counsellor said there a red flags in some of the things she said and to be aware. I am new here so don't know how much I can type. There is much more so let me know if I go on too much.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Umm well yes...we do need a lot more to this story. Like if this was a few years ago... how and or why is it still bothering you? Do you think she had or is having an affair?
Author rocbrown Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 Sorry, I didn't know how much I could type. It was about 7 years ago. Then about 2 years after that. Her friend was dating on plenty of fish and told my wife her user id to check out the guys she was dating without me knowing. She started staying up every night until midnight or later on her computer. She said she was online with a chat site on something she was interested in at the time. It continued for a few weeks and then, right or wrong, I put a key logger on her computer and found out she was chatting the guys on the dating site. I asked her about it after i read the posts and she said she signed on as our friend and started getting messages. She liked the attention and kept chatting, for weeks on end. I asked our friend about this and she said she would have known if these guys were chatting. I checked the key logging again and it turned out my wife had her own login on this dating site. When i confronted her with that, she said she had a different friend crate a profile for her as a joke. but eventually she admitted she craved the attention. She said the usual sorry and promised me it wouldn't happen again and we went to counselling together this time. We seemed to work it out but I became a little more withdrawn and less trusting of her.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 which would be total normal for anyone in that case. How can you trust her if shes potentially seeking other men? How do you know if she hasnt actually met some of these men for some "attention"? Would you know at all? Something really does sound fishy in all this...sorry to say. Do you have kids? Hows your relationship with her? Any moments where you do think shes cheating? Our instincts are usually right when something off is happening. Follow it!
Author rocbrown Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 I don't know if she met other men for 'attention'. And no, we don't have kids. To be honest, i do love this woman but sometimes it is very hard. The latest incident happened around 8 months ago. She was in the shower and her cell phone beeped or buzzed or something like that. I picked it up as her dad was not in a good way. I saw it was her dad that called and was about to tell her when i noticed text messages in the background. The first one I saw was a guy talking about her in the shower. Which surprisingly she was. The original message, from my wife said' 'knock knock knock, looking for the sexy guy I met last Saturday night.' When I saw these messages, I walked into the bathroom and said 'There had better be a good explanation for these messages' and read them to her. She said there is and came out of the shower right away. She said that her friend was gone on a two week vacation and wanted to keep in touch with this guy she just met. My wife volunteered herself as a substitute. I told her, after much thought, that there was no mention of her friends name in the messages, and last Saturday night was also a night she didn't get home until 4 am. She was absolutely mortified. She offered to me to get ahold of her friends she was out with and i said no. I want to text the friend she was "substituting" for. I identified myself to her friend and asked her about it. She got back to me literally 2 days later and confirmed my wifes story. Again, more withdrawn, less trust. Actually, almost totally withdrawn. This time, I went to counselling alone and told my story. This time, a different therapist said that as a therapist, there a lot of red flags and to be wary. And as a married man, if his wife did these thing, he would be very, very concerned. And he didn't know if he could handle it as well as I seem to be.
ComputerJock Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 a. Her and her friend got their story straight. b. She had sex with the other man or she wouldn't have been so upset. c. She was caught and lied. Where the hell was she until 4am. d. She is cheating and you have problems. A lie detector test will answer how truthful she is, but be prepared to drop her on the curb with the rest of the garbage if the test shows she is cheating. You have a right to be mad, but the red flags have been there for a long time.
ComputerJock Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Where did she say she was until 4am and can you verify it? I think she was with someone and now you have lost all trust. Do you want to work on the marriage or have you had enough? Questions you are going to have to ask yourself. Fasten your seat belt, it's going to be a rough road ahead.
Author rocbrown Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 She went with her ringette girlfriends to a sex toy show. I can verify it to the extent that she came home with a bag of coupons and stuff from the show. She said she was at her friends place until then as she was having a hard time with her divorce. I do want to work on this relationship but I certainly have my doubts with good reason. Am I being taken for a fool or is she just wrapped up that much in her attention seeking behaviour. She is seeing her own therapist for this issue. And, btw, sex has been non-existent for the last 4 months.
seibert253 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Your W is involved in an A. Due to the fact your sex life is non existant, its probably a PA. You've already proved your W is a liar and cant be trusted. IMO you need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with her and tell her that you know she's lying and all of this is totally disrespectful to you and your M, and is not acceptable. Let her know you will not tolarate it any longer. Let her know she has two options: 1. End all contact with OM and give 100percent into fixing your M 2. Move out and you will D her. Then back off. Why back off, see if she really wants to fix things, or let her hang herself. Investigate, Snoop, whatever you want to call it, do it. Keylogger on her computer, detailed cell phone records, VAR in any rooms in the house where she has "alone time". VAR in her vehicle. My guess is within a week you'll have all the evidence you need. Then you can drop the hammer on her. You're not getting the full story or picture here. You need to keep digging. Your W isn't going to admit to anything until you confront her with evidence. Keep us updated
Author rocbrown Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 I know i don't have the whole truth here. There is another time I haven't mentioned here where she was on her computer a lot when i was home and everytime i went by her, she was on her work email. i asked her a few times why she was on her work email and she said something about her cousin only having that email. Well, one time i went over to her computer and asked if i could look up a picture that was on her computer and she dropped everything in the kitchen and said she would shut stuff down so it could be quicker for me. Well, i am computer literate and knew it was bull but let her do it. and then another time, she must not have realized i had gotten off my couch and was approaching her. She literally put her arm over her laptop screen and then ended up closing it as i got closer. I know there is much more here and i am not getting the truth but what do i do when i still am in love with this woman? I do tend to give her the benefit of the doubt as much as i know it is probably not the truth?
jnj express Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Seibert is pretty much right on-----Confront her, and tell her she is free to do what she wants, but you are also free to divorce her if she continues to make a fool of you, by acting single, and screwing around with all sorts of men. She also is using her GF's to aid her----They are no friends of your mge. Does your wife work---If she does not---then freeze her funding---actually you need to do the following anyway----Put all money in the bank, in your name only----Cancel her credit cards----Take away her cellphone or close the acct.---If she needs a phone she can use a land line. Cut off the computer. If she likes none of this, tell her to stop the screwing around with other men, as long as she is gonna act like a single, and disrespect you and the mge., you will treat her like she is NOT part of the mge. Two can play games, except you are being straight and defending your vows---she is cheating.
Author rocbrown Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 Thanks for all the advice everyone. It is what I expected it would be. This is my first night here and my first time telling everything about my marriage. She is an amazing woman and I love her. But I think it's time to start thinking about myself. I will have to give this a lot of thought. I appreciate your thoughts and I will try to let you know how it went. Take care all. And thanks again. This is a good site to visit.
spriggig Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 My wife cheated on me. I'll just second all the advice here. Sorry, dude! You didn't do anything to deserve this.
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