Hoping for a pick me up

[HurtinginTexas]

Hello LS

 

I wanted to really thank all of you for your help and support. Im sure you all got tired of my long rambling tirades about my back and forth exMM who came and went between his exW and myself for 2.5 years. Then she divorced him and he was with me for 11 months. Yes she D him, he never wanted nor expected it to slap him in the face. I guess he was in essence, stuck with the option, second choice, or me.

 

Well as you all know after the D he was different. Went through stages. He was hurt and the ego was affected BIGTIME. Ugly about her. Tried to hurt himself or the illusion to get back home. She wasnt interested anymore. And served him and filed. He said that was his plan so shed file. Whatever! He was into me at first and took me to Hawaii and Cali etc..But as time wore on I guess the D hit him. Maybe that his exW had moved on (new car, new apt, new friends, new life) all wothout him, or begging him back hit him.

 

Ive tried to blame myself. Rationalize it was somehow my fault. That I coulda done this better, or did something wrong, or got lazy, or stopped something I used to do more of at somepoint. Ive heard all viewpoints here that he was sick, mentally ill and all his motives and promises to me were in question. That hes an asshat that never cared I guess. Maybe he used me, never loved me.

 

It sucks having no closure from someone that you thought was going to be your life for the rest of your life. I havent heard from him for 45 days. Way longer than all the other disppearing acts. Its usually in 3 weeks or less but thats when he had a W to go back to. Now hes either moved on with someone, hates me for something I cannot reason, or would rather sit alone than be with me.

 

He did leave me in a very dirty way. He hasnt spkoen to me since. His last words were "On the way to a dr appt love you babe" then vanished. With the exception of talking to me the following day asking for his keys back in a very ugly tone Ive heard nothing.

 

Ive stayed out of his email acct and FB. I cant bare the thought of what I might see. Ive stayed strong in NC. Ive wanted to tell him I miss him. I do. I cant so easily throw away almost 4 years and all the memories. I cannot believe I meant nothing. That Im replaced. Or forgotten. It hurts so badly some days.

 

I hear he may come back some day if things are bad elsewhere. I could never look him in the eye again. Still cant fathom how he could do this to me. I was to accomodating. I was an enabler and a codependant and should have slammed the door along time ago with the scraps and lies and coming and goings. I was weak or stupid or pathtaic and he lost respect for me I guess. He never had to work for me, or fight for us, or even put effort into apologizing to me when I was hurt or wronged.

 

I want to contact to say I still love him but I would humiliate myself and give someone power which I dont think he even cares. How could he not. Dont humans care. Even bad or confused ones? Im afraid to. Im afraid of the silence. The rejection. him being ugly. Him feeding me lies. Or maybe hed send my email to the wife to say "see shes still bothering me" He once said to the exW and his kids I was a fatal atrection that never left him alone, someone he had an affair with once and never went away because he got caught with me and had to say something or so he said.

 

Any encouraging advice?

[califnan]

Yes. When you meet the Right person it won't be like this .. When two people are of the same accord and Free and in love with one-another both are happy, high and exhilarated..

 

Wait upon the Lord.

[Mombot]

Because you have not heard from him in 45 days, you are curious to see what is gong on... even though there is no benefit to you. You are looking for closure, and it's not on the horizon. That's hard to accept.

[pureinheart]

Hello LS

 

I wanted to really thank all of you for your help and support. Im sure you all got tired of my long rambling tirades about my back and forth exMM who came and went between his exW and myself for 2.5 years. Then she divorced him and he was with me for 11 months. Yes she D him, he never wanted nor expected it to slap him in the face. I guess he was in essence, stuck with the option, second choice, or me.

 

Well as you all know after the D he was different. Went through stages. He was hurt and the ego was affected BIGTIME. Ugly about her. Tried to hurt himself or the illusion to get back home. She wasnt interested anymore. And served him and filed. He said that was his plan so shed file. Whatever! He was into me at first and took me to Hawaii and Cali etc..But as time wore on I guess the D hit him. Maybe that his exW had moved on (new car, new apt, new friends, new life) all wothout him, or begging him back hit him.

 

Ive tried to blame myself. Rationalize it was somehow my fault. That I coulda done this better, or did something wrong, or got lazy, or stopped something I used to do more of at somepoint. Ive heard all viewpoints here that he was sick, mentally ill and all his motives and promises to me were in question. That hes an asshat that never cared I guess. Maybe he used me, never loved me.

 

It sucks having no closure from someone that you thought was going to be your life for the rest of your life. I havent heard from him for 45 days. Way longer than all the other disppearing acts. Its usually in 3 weeks or less but thats when he had a W to go back to. Now hes either moved on with someone, hates me for something I cannot reason, or would rather sit alone than be with me.

 

He did leave me in a very dirty way. He hasnt spkoen to me since. His last words were "On the way to a dr appt love you babe" then vanished. With the exception of talking to me the following day asking for his keys back in a very ugly tone Ive heard nothing.

 

Ive stayed out of his email acct and FB. I cant bare the thought of what I might see. Ive stayed strong in NC. Ive wanted to tell him I miss him. I do. I cant so easily throw away almost 4 years and all the memories. I cannot believe I meant nothing. That Im replaced. Or forgotten. It hurts so badly some days.

 

I hear he may come back some day if things are bad elsewhere. I could never look him in the eye again. Still cant fathom how he could do this to me. I was to accomodating. I was an enabler and a codependant and should have slammed the door along time ago with the scraps and lies and coming and goings. I was weak or stupid or pathtaic and he lost respect for me I guess. He never had to work for me, or fight for us, or even put effort into apologizing to me when I was hurt or wronged.

 

I want to contact to say I still love him but I would humiliate myself and give someone power which I dont think he even cares. How could he not. Dont humans care. Even bad or confused ones? Im afraid to. Im afraid of the silence. The rejection. him being ugly. Him feeding me lies. Or maybe hed send my email to the wife to say "see shes still bothering me" He once said to the exW and his kids I was a fatal atrection that never left him alone, someone he had an affair with once and never went away because he got caught with me and had to say something or so he said.

 

Any encouraging advice?

 

Hi HIT...not much advice, although I have a question. Most of what I have read, I hear little about you and what you are doing to move on without him. If he does come back, even with saying you can't look him in the eye, would you break down and take him back.

 

I told exDM that if he ever denied me, that would be the deal breaker...ok, people get scared and lie, although the question is, is can you live with that, could you take him back based on this info...and now especially with this current knowledge.

 

I hope that today life is less about him, and more about you:)...he's lost literally and mentally...

[pureinheart]

it has been 45 days and your posts still all basically contain the exact same thing -- what happened with him and his wife, your relationship with him, his last words going out the door to the doctor and yet you seem no further along with healing.

 

you still to still trying to analyze what you did wrong. you seem fixated on those words he said to you "going to doc, bye, love you".

 

you seem like you are paralyzed to that day. you review it all each time you post.

 

what are you doing for you to heal? are you in counseling? what are you doing with your days besides thinking about him and remembering the past? i don't mean this in a harsh way, i am just wondering why you are so frozen? closure comes from within your self and only you can move past it, if you let yourself.

 

good luck and i hope you can really begin to heal and move forward with your life.

 

Wow HF...as God as my witness I did not copy you...lol...it takes me a while to respond because I think about what to say and go and do things while having the reply page up...after submitting mine, saw yours and went OMG...

 

HIT you got total confirmation that you need to work on you! YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!

[HurtinginTexas]

It is about me PIH. I dont mean to keep rambling the same lines over and over to annoy you all. I just miss him so much and ache so badly. He really broke my heart. I cannot find the courage to email because I know it would humiliate me further, I dont think he care, Im afraid of the response or lack thereof. He dropped me. He should be the one who comes to fix, or apologize or explain or to repair. Not me.

 

But I do mis this person who was a major part of my life. I find I cant stop wondering if Im even thought about. I am living my life. Stopped reading his emails in his acct. No more FB. I dont cry as much at all. Gone out a few times. I just miss him and wish he felt the same or badly about my loss.

[HurtinginTexas]

I am feeling better. I still miss him though. Is that wrong?

 

I am so intelligent when it comes to work and other things in my life I dont understand why I am so dumb about this. I look at myself and see such a good hearted attractive person whose smart, fun, loving and funny and generous.

 

I cant grasp why I never meant to him what he meant to me. He said it often enough but words didnt match the actions. How do you all move on and let go? How do men forget so easily? Its so hard for me. I know hes not right and didnt treat me as I deserved but I miss him so.

[HurtinginTexas]

I guess nobody wants to hear my stuff anymore. You have all kept me strong and in NC. I just need to hear reasons to not contact. I am in counseling. I am better. I just miss him.

[DramaQueen]

I am feeling better. I still miss him though. Is that wrong?

 

I am so intelligent when it comes to work and other things in my life I dont understand why I am so dumb about this. I look at myself and see such a good hearted attractive person whose smart, fun, loving and funny and generous.

 

I cant grasp why I never meant to him what he meant to me. He said it often enough but words didnt match the actions. How do you all move on and let go? How do men forget so easily? Its so hard for me. I know hes not right and didnt treat me as I deserved but I miss him so.

 

HIT, i feel what you feel, been there myself. Each time i gave in and called him eventhough he should say a million times sorry for hurting me (he never did say sorry), i had always felt worse after doing that.

 

Dont give in, stay strong, stay NC. You will find a good man to love in time who will treat you like gold. You dont need this man, no need to analyse yourself sick on why he can forget so easily, why he's so heartless, etc. When he doesnt love you anymore, does it matter why? Just move on and go celebrate that you can look forward to better days ahead without him.

 

Frankly, during the times you were together, what was the percentage of being happy vs miserable? This realization enabled me to move on and stop thinking about him eventhough like you i missed him terribly! Slowly I realised I regretted knowing him. i realised I was far more miserable than being happy although the happy times were great. But I do know I deserve better. Even if I wont have a man in my life, I still want to be a happier person than the one I was when I was in the A.

 

Goodluck...stay strong. You're on the right path and you will be happier. Time heals all wounds.

[lovinmylife]

hello,

 

ya know, it is so easy for a man to compartmentalize their feelings. you have to remember though, his xwife was a HUGE part of his life that he wasn't ready to give up. when it came down to it, he had no where else to go but to be with you. when it comes to men, actions speak louder than words. his actions told you that you weren't what he really wanted after all. you should want someone that will be able to give you what you give, if not more. in the end, you can't make a man do what he really doesn't want to do, no matter how much bullsh*t he is feeding you. hope this helps.

[Confused4Now]

hello,

 

ya know, it is so easy for a man to compartmentalize their feelings. you have to remember though, his xwife was a HUGE part of his life that he wasn't ready to give up. when it came down to it, he had no where else to go but to be with you. when it comes to men, actions speak louder than words. his actions told you that you weren't what he really wanted after all. you should want someone that will be able to give you what you give, if not more. in the end, you can't make a man do what he really doesn't want to do, no matter how much bullsh*t he is feeding you. hope this helps.

This is so true mostly for men. I was a MM who was with my MW till I figured out what I wanted as far as my happiness. My affair was a exit A and I have no regrets. I can say I'm much more happy and even though I didn't get my xMW it was clear to me she was looking for someone to fill the gaps in her marriage. Yes as I man I took actions.....I wasn't about excuses. Yes it hurt to break up my family but after 2 1/2 years my kids have all adjusted and they are much happier cause they see me happier. The only person who is not happy is my ex she still blames my xMW but she doesn't get ..that was not the reason why I left. She still wants to put blame where it doesn't belong.

So listen to the advice here....it's about ACTIONS...don't listen to the words they mean nothing if there is nothing to back it up. It took me time to figure that out.

 

Good luck:)

[HurtinginTexas]

Thank to all LS posters.

 

I hear and know what youre saying to be correct. It just hurts SOOO BAD. I feel better, less stressed most of the times. I just go through highs and lows. I hate that I gave 3.5 years to just be tossed out like garbage.

 

We had plans like all of you to be married, be together forever, never hurt me and all that. Yes Ive heard a million times actions speak louder than words. Im very stubborn and hate to let go. Ive given so much of my heart and head and life.

 

Im so worn down and my self esteem is depleted beyond measure. I used to be attractive. I was in the Miss texas pageant years ago. Now I feel so humiliated, and lonely and sad all beacuse hes not in my life.

 

He no prize. But Im still in shock. It hurts that I wasted the last few years of my thirties on someone who had dishonorable intentions. I used to tell him if hes not serious hes wasting mine and his time. Hed always turn things around on me however.

 

I am upset because as I have had more time to think I left behind about $1000 worth of items back that he must have taken with him. But its not worth the contact. He could have thrown them away for all I know

[Myowntwofeet]

I am feeling better. I still miss him though. Is that wrong?

 

I am so intelligent when it comes to work and other things in my life I dont understand why I am so dumb about this. I look at myself and see such a good hearted attractive person whose smart, fun, loving and funny and generous.

 

I cant grasp why I never meant to him what he meant to me. He said it often enough but words didnt match the actions. How do you all move on and let go? How do men forget so easily? Its so hard for me. I know hes not right and didnt treat me as I deserved but I miss him so.

 

Hi Texas

 

Give yourself TIME.... things get clearer ( not necessarily gone) but they do find a place.

 

Personally... my advice... write, vent and keep getting it out. And, look at the feeling of abandonment, acknowledge it because it is extremely powerful and far more dangerous if you ignore than if you allow yourself to feel that pain.

 

Don't bury things and don't ever feel like " I should be".....stop setting yourself up to beat yourself or for "self" failure ...and that is exactly what you are doing with those statements. Self sabatoge is so common when we have been hurt.... we create pain in order to justify the pain caused by others.

 

Dig into your own feelings, and really look at why you are feeling it.... not just surface ( MM) but other contributors and I think you'll give yourself just a little more credit.

 

Allow yourself time to heal, the time YOU need and trust that it will get better!

[HurtinginTexas]

Do you think he would care to hear how he has broken my heart, or how I miss him and thew good times or would it make me look pathetic.

 

How could someone leave in such a dirty way and have no remorse

[BB07]

Do you think he would care to hear how he has broken my heart, or how I miss him and thew good times or would it make me look pathetic.

 

How could someone leave in such a dirty way and have no remorse

 

I'm sorry HIT, but more than likely he doesn't care, he's made that obvious and it will take away from your dignity, to tell him. Don't give him that. Even though you are having such a hard time, don't let him know it. Make him think that you are strong and fine and doing well.

 

Hugs..

Edited July 20, 2010 by BB07

[lolapalooza]

Do you think he would care to hear how he has broken my heart, or how I miss him and thew good times or would it make me look pathetic.

 

How could someone leave in such a dirty way and have no remorse

Let's think this through for a minute. You email him, you pour your heart out. What do you do and how do you feel when he doesn't even bother to read it? What do you do when he doesn't respond?

 

I would like you to read this and really think about it: Why does your happiness depend upon him? Why is your self worth contingent upon what the thinks about you or how he treated you?

 

Are you not your own person? I think your time would be better spent working on yourself and your self esteem instead of composing a letter to someone who probably couldn't care less.

[HurtinginTexas]

BB07 and Lolapalooza

 

I understand what you are saying. I know I shouldnt. And BB07 I have read your posts and feel so badly for your situation. I too feel badly that your man is a true mess.

 

It just hurts. Im processing things slower I guess. I work at the same place and sit here missing all the emails I used to get and attnetion that has stopped. I wish I could work somewhere else but cannot. I sit and hide in my office all day unless i have to go out to meetings etc..

 

I miss him. I miss our times and fun. I know hes broken my heart and I could never believe in him and trust him. I know hes a screwed up mess. I just got so used to him running back to me each time and this time he didnt. Its like Lovinmylife said yesterday. He didnt want their marriage to end and he got stuck with me because he had no place to go. Its seems true as much as it hurts to hear.

 

I just feel so badly missing what we had thinking how I meant nothing and how he forgot about me and all his words and promises.

 

I know I will feel better. i know hes not worth my time anymore. I hope hell realize one day. Or karma will come round. But i still miss him and it hurts.

 

i am in counseling. I know what I need to work on. LS keeps me from doing something dumb believe it or not.

[fooled once]

Do you think he would care to hear how he has broken my heart, or how I miss him and thew good times or would it make me look pathetic.

 

How could someone leave in such a dirty way and have no remorse

 

H*LL No, don't contact him.

 

Are you kidding?

 

He doesn't care if you are hurt, crying, broken, etc. HE DOESN'T CARE -- you have to accept that. NO amount of begging, crying or pleading is going to make him feel bad, come back or anything.

 

He may come back after he realizes his wife doesn't want him anymore.

 

The big question is will you accept him back, knowing full well he can pick up and leave again. If you do, then .... that's on you and you don't get to complain or cry when he hurts you again.

 

Let's think this through for a minute. You email him, you pour your heart out. What do you do and how do you feel when he doesn't even bother to read it? What do you do when he doesn't respond?

 

I would like you to read this and really think about it: Why does your happiness depend upon him? Why is your self worth contingent upon what the thinks about you or how he treated you?

 

Are you not your own person? I think your time would be better spent working on yourself and your self esteem instead of composing a letter to someone who probably couldn't care less.

 

Ditto!

 

Let him go HT. Truly - LET HIM GO. Until you do that, you will stay hurting and wanting him.

[Fight4Me]

HurtingInTexas, do not contact him... please!!

 

I mentioned this in one of your last threads, but since I've followed your story and progress from the very beginning, I can definitely say you are LIGHT YEARS from where you were before. Yes, there are still a number of things you need to work on, but keep moving forward.

 

Contacting him would kill you and set you so far back that I'd be seriously concerned for your health. Don't give in, and don't give up on yourself or your progress.