choosinghappiness Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Okay - I am a new poster. I have been reading the stories on here for a while and it has been very helpful. I am finally ready to share mine. Here it goes: I meet my husband when I was 20, he was 32. I wasn't initailly attracted to him and we only hung out at first. After 6 months he moved in with me and I began to find an attraction. We dated for 7 years and got married 2 1/2 years ago. Our sex life was never great, but I didn't really feel like I needed more. When we got married I truly was in love with him. I guess I thought sex would get better after we got married, but boy was I wrong. Through a series of unforunate events, my husband has not been in the emotional state and at times the physical state to have sex. I am at a point now where I need that, and the emotional support of a man. I have been having feelings about another man, which haven't gone away for 6 months, and just seem to keep intensifying. This OM is in a serious relationship and I know I can't say anything to him. This situation is what made me look online - and all of the stories I have read have helped me in my journey. I remembered something the other day that I taught myself a long time ago, and that is life is full of choices - this may sound a bit trite, but stay with me: The feelings will come, I can't help that, but how I react is my choice. I can let the feelings overwhelm me and make me horribly sad (which is what I had been doing), or I can choose to accept them, proccess them, realize that I have romantisized this OM into something that isn't real and be thankful that is has given me the strength to question my life, my situation, my marriage. I feel so much better now that I have been able to let this OM go. I can now honestly say that I committed to figuring out how I really feel. I don't know if I want to stay in my marriage, or if the marriage can be saved - but I know I have the strength to come out happy on the other side. I am starting IC on Monday and hopefully MC will follow. I know I have a long road ahead, but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. If my story can help just 1 person then I will know that I have not suffered in vain. Comments and support are much appreciated. Thanks for reading.
What_Next Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 First welcome to LS. Second, you've done yourself, your husband and your marriage a very big favor. You took the first step in putting your marriage before your own wants and desires. If more people did this maybe almost 1/2 of all marriages would not end up in divorce. Sex is a VERY important part of any serious relationship and the lack of it, or any other issue in this area can cause major damage. Well done with beginning IC and with any luck MC will follow as you hope it will. I am slowly beginning to reconcile with my wife as well and I can attest to it being a slow process. However, if approached properly it can lead to an even stronger marriage. Once again I give you kudos, you deserve it.
Author choosinghappiness Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 Hi What Next - thank you so much for your kind words. Just knowing that there are others going through the same thing is comforting. I am a bit worried about the "slow process" part. I spent 10 years building my life with my husband and I don't want to be quick to throw it away, it's just really hard right now. I am happy to hear that you are reconciling with your wife and wish you both luck, and a happy healthy marriage. Thanks again!
What_Next Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I am a bit worried about the "slow process" part. I spent 10 years building my life with my husband and I don't want to be quick to throw it away, it's just really hard right now. It is a slow process to rebuild. I am REALLY struggling with that right now. In fact I think I am pushing too hard. I need to learn to slowdown and relax a little. I think as long as both parties are 100% commited it can work in the long run, but you both must have patience and understanding. If you feel you need help, ask for it and use it.
Author choosinghappiness Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Thanks again for your support. After seeing the therapist today, she kind of confirmed my fears: that I already have 1 foot out the door and I do not believe that my H is capapble of giving me what I want/need, and that the only reason I am staying is because of all of my fears (being alone, starting over, dating.....) I think deep down I already new all of this, but I want so badly to feel differently. Is there any trick to this - I have been afraid to face my feelings, becuase they make me think I am a bad person. How could I let this go on so long? Why does it hurt so much? I feel like I am drowning and I know what I have to do to get a breath or air, but I just can't do it. I want to choose happiness but it seems like there is so much sadness to get there. Ok - I just really needed to get that out. Thanks again for reading.
Married_and_Lonely Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 After seeing the therapist today, she kind of confirmed my fears: that I already have 1 foot out the door and I do not believe that my H is capapble of giving me what I want/need, and that the only reason I am staying is because of all of my fears (being alone, starting over, dating.....) Is there any trick to this - I have been afraid to face my feelings, becuase they make me think I am a bad person. How could I let this go on so long? Why does it hurt so much? I feel like I am drowning and I know what I have to do to get a breath or air, but I just can't do it. I want to choose happiness but it seems like there is so much sadness to get there. I can relate as I too sometimes feel that I have one foot out the door. I just don't think my wife is capable and/or motivated to change enough to make our marriage a healthy one. She's content with a lukewarm marriage that centers around our children and their needs. You are never a bad person because of your feelings; we don't get to control our feelings, just our choices as you said in your original post. I'm sorry to hear that you're not as upbeat now as you were when you made your first post, but ups and downs happen. You owe it to your husband to have an honest discussion with him about your feelings towards the marriage and your needs that you don't feel are being met. You may be surprised and find out that your husband has similar concerns and shares your desire to be more intimate and close to you. Maybe you won't be that fortunate, but you still owe to him and yourself to have the conversation and give reconciliation a chance. I am like you though in that I am lingering in pain and will probably continue to do so until a major event occurs in my life that pushes me over the ledge of making the decision to D or not. Right now, it's just too much to take to consider hurting so many people in my life that I love.
blossom0123 Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Just a brief note to say I admire you - sounds like you are really doing your best to make this work. I am in a similar situation but you are way ahead of me in the processing, I think. Fears are so destructive. I'm full of fears too, but slightly different ones (not scared of being alone, but of being the cause of someone's pain, and certainly also of my feelings who keep telling that I am a bad person...).
Married_and_Lonely Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Just a brief note to say I admire you - sounds like you are really doing your best to make this work. I am in a similar situation but you are way ahead of me in the processing, I think. Fears are so destructive. I'm full of fears too, but slightly different ones (not scared of being alone, but of being the cause of someone's pain, and certainly also of my feelings who keep telling that I am a bad person...). Blossom, I read your thread, and it sort of sounds like you are in one of life's ruts where you're just not happy, and you can't put your finger on why, but the logical decision ends up being that your partner isn't bringing you happiness. But I could be misreading you there. It sounds like you have a good husband, and there are not alot of those growing on vines free for the picking. Have you considered a long vacation, like a week long getaway to a Mexico beach. It might do you good to get away from all of life's stresses and work, and spend time together talking and enjoying the simple things in life. Maybe you'll remember why you two fell in love in the first place. Unfortunately, I already tried this and didn't go as planned, but some of that was my fault. But I digress...
blossom0123 Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Blossom, I read your thread, and it sort of sounds like you are in one of life's ruts where you're just not happy, and you can't put your finger on why, but the logical decision ends up being that your partner isn't bringing you happiness. But I could be misreading you there. It sounds like you have a good husband, and there are not alot of those growing on vines free for the picking. Have you considered a long vacation, like a week long getaway to a Mexico beach. It might do you good to get away from all of life's stresses and work, and spend time together talking and enjoying the simple things in life. Maybe you'll remember why you two fell in love in the first place. Unfortunately, I already tried this and didn't go as planned, but some of that was my fault. But I digress... Yes you are right, could very well be projection, at least quite a bit of it, although I do feel content about other parts of my life (professional, social, leisure activities etc.). I have considered the long vacation option, I do think we need time away together. However, two things are stopping me, firstly finances (a bit tight right now), but more importantly/relevant, I'm actually scared to death of us spending 24 hours together for, say, a week.... Sorry OP for digressing from your post!
Author choosinghappiness Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 No worries - I am happy to share. I think that if you have made yourself happy in every other way possible, but still have trouble in the marriage, then you need to figure out what it is about that, that is causing the unhappiness. Once you figure that out, then you can get down to deciding how to deal with it. I guess I am a little more upbeat today, but this rollercoaster is killing me. I have finally decided to accept my feelings, I don't feel romantic about my husband, but I want to give him the chance to change my mind. I'm actually a little PO'd right now, because I told him several times that I was going to IC yesterday, when I got home last night he didn't remember, or mention it, or ask how it went. Okay fine, that is really not a big deal, and I don't expect him to keep tabs on me. But, I would have liked to bring it up and talk to him - I wanted to tell him how I was feeling. Instead he informed me that he just wanted to be buzzed and stoned on his day off. I can't have a real conversation with him when he feels the need to alter his state of mind!?! I know I don't really know what he was thinking, but I almost feel like he did that on purpose so he wouldn't have to deal with it. Now we won't see eachother for a couple of days due to work schedules. I want to give the marriage a chance but I am so frustrated. I find that if I am with him I feel like maybe things could work out, but when we are not together I think of all the reasons it won't. When I am in my house by myself I look at all of our stuff and wonder who gets what. I don't know how to redirect my thoughts. Any advice on how to clear my head of all the junk is much appreciated!
blossom0123 Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I find that if I am with him I feel like maybe things could work out, but when we are not together I think of all the reasons it won't. That's not too bad - my dynamic is the opposite Someone pointed out to me that it takes two, even when one part has more of the 'problem' than the other - so I think it's fair of you to expect that he be a bit attentive to and engaging with your attempts to work it out (e.g. the IC).....
Married_and_Lonely Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I told him several times that I was going to IC yesterday, when I got home last night he didn't remember, or mention it, or ask how it went. Okay fine, that is really not a big deal, and I don't expect him to keep tabs on me. But, I would have liked to bring it up and talk to him - I wanted to tell him how I was feeling. Instead he informed me that he just wanted to be buzzed and stoned on his day off. I find that if I am with him I feel like maybe things could work out, but when we are not together I think of all the reasons it won't. When I am in my house by myself I look at all of our stuff and wonder who gets what. I don't know how to redirect my thoughts. Any advice on how to clear my head of all the junk is much appreciated! It sounds like he remembered, but purposely tried to dodge the conversation by not bringing it up and also drinking/smoking dope. Sounds like the "head-in-the-sand" approach that I'm all too familiar with. I have your exact same feelings. When I'm at home with my family, I'm too busy to think about the affection I'm missing and I feel more positively about my situation. It's hard to be sad when I'm surrounded by the joy and love of a 5 year-old daughter and a 3 year-old son. But when I'm alone and have time to think about my marriage, I'm usually thinking negative thoughts. I think those feelings are healthy ones that are letting you know that you have some unmet emotional needs. You can either have these feelings now and address them or wait until you're much older and look back on a disappointing life that wasn't lived to the fullest.
Author choosinghappiness Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 Thank you blossom0123 and married_and_lonely for sharing with me - it really helps to know I am not alone, but it also upsets me to know that there is so much saddness and pain in the world. I am still hung up on this taking time thing. How long do I wait around to see if this is going to work out? I know I need to have a serious conversation with H and will do that as soon as it is actually possible. He is going to his second IC on Monday, but he never really addressed any of the issues the last time he went (at least that is what he told me). I don't want to jump ship too fast, but I can't hold on forever. I can't keep feeling like this forever.
Married_and_Lonely Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 choosinghappiness, I was jut on the receiving end of this reality check, but now I'm passing it on to you - it's not reasonable to expect significant results from IC after 1 or even a few visits in my opinion. It's going to take some , but it's a good start that you got him to go. It doesn't sound like you're giving this a fair chance to work if you're wanting to bail without giving IC/MC a chance and without having the honest discussion that lays it all out for him. If for nothing else but peace of mind later that you didn't just throw out your marriage at the first sign of trouble, try to give the counseling a fair chance. Also, the person easiest for you to change in the relationship is you. Evaluate yourself and how you're contributing to the marriage. Whatever it is your husband isn't doing for you, are you doing those things? If you both sit around waiting for the other person to get the ball rolling, it's not going to move. Try this out for a night of bonding. Tell him in advance tomorrow is board game night. Order in a dinner or cook, turn some music on the stereo, open a bottle of wine (but ask him not to get drunk), and break out the monopoly board. Maybe even make a friendly wager to get him interested in the game. (i.e., if you win, I'll give you a shoulder/back massage - if I win, you give me a massage). Hopefully after a little wine, some board game fun, and some massaging, the next stop will be Bed City! Take off your shirt while he massages your back - if the man's got a pulse he'll be thinking about sex in 0.9 seconds. I know how marriage problems can bring you down and consume your thoughts too frequently, but think of something that makes you happy, be it exercising, shopping (within your budget), scrapbooking, whatever - and make time to do that activity. If you don't think you have time, then evaluate your plate of activities and scale back the unimportant ones. Physical and mental health should be a top priority. Also reach out to a close friend and share what's going on with them so they can be there for you. I haven't told any family members because I know my mom would start staring down my wife at Christmas and I don't want any family drama. So I think a non-mutual, same sex friend is the best. It's nice to open up the release valve every once in a while and let some of this stuff out. Good Luck.
RegardingMe Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 M and L is giving you some good advice. We are going through a transition over here as well.
Author choosinghappiness Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 hi married and lonely wow - thank you for the reality check! I feel myself checking out of the marriage more and more, but you are so right, I have to give it time in order to truly give it a chance I know it seems like the easiest thing for me to change is me, but that is what I have had the hardest time with. I just don't feel romantic about my H at all. I want to change that, but I just don't feel it. I am worried that even if we are able to make the marriage work, I will always know that the way he is acting is just not him, he is not a kisser, he is not a toucher, and we just never were really frequent about sex. So if all that changes, I will feel weird about it. I feel like kissing him would be like kissing my brother. I guess I am in such a hurry, because I hate the way I feel. I am generally a happy person, and right now I am not happy, and I don't know how to deal with that. I truly do appreciate the comments. As always thanks for reading!
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