Silly_Girl Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Hello lovely LS-ers... Am really having a difficult time and although I suspect good things are happening for me, inside, I wonder if I might benefit from the wisdom of those who've been there. It's been about 6 weeks since my relationship (of only 8 months) with xMM ended. I don't remember ever feeling less sure of myself, who I am, what I'm doing. I have no faith in myself or my ability to make decisions in the future.... There's two Me's. The first one is turning up at work every day, working harder than I have in a very long time, apparently impressing new colleagues and bosses and having a renewed interest in everything and feeling really committed to making a difference. I am doing lots of wonderful things with my son, cycling, walking, climbing trees, reading together, having fun, joking around, laughing lots. I found a gorgeous piece of secondhand furniture I fell in love with and have since bought more, revamped my whole bedroom. We've had fun rooting round antique shops and charity shops and secondhand bookstores, stopping for ice cream by the canal or picnic on the beach. I've thrown out so much 'stuff', have revamped my son's room and we've had a big garden bonfire and enjoyed clearing out all sorts of junk. I've been gardening and staying on top of the housework (usually the first thing to go awry when I've got the blues ). I've started the ball rolling with the lawyers for getting my psycho-ex out of my life and off the deeds of my home. I am attempting to repair my relationship with my mum where a few weeks ago I felt prepared to walk away from her for ever. I am taking time out for me (not something I have ever really done, ever, in my life) to read books I love, or listen to music I'd forgotten about, or to spend three times longer in the shower just because I want to! I am working hard on the issues coming up at IC, trying my hardest not to be defensive (I'm good at being defensive ) and trying to build on things we've talked about, and explore some of the hangover from a previous relationship. I am spending time deconstructing the whole xMM thing, getting perspective in terms of the vulnerable place I was in when we met, trying to divorce the 'it was HIM I was in love with' (sometimes true) from the 'I liked that it made me feel like this/opposite to the way my ex made me feel'. And lots more around that. I take heart from the fact I walked away from him, a real achievement given my previous behaviour with my ex; I'm NOT proud I allowed myself to believe his version of things, but I am proud I recognised the 'wrong-ness' (!) and fought and fought against it, until it was time to walk away for good. I realise (now!) that xMM enjoys his 'prison' and it's as big a part of him as the way he walks. I know that had we made it through this particular stage, because of his complete inability to face issues/make decisions we'd have had problems around him ending his marriage, and problems with taking action to shape our future (I'm considering emigrating/moving). I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with a man who turned his phone off one evening after texting that he loved me, and we've never spoken since. Love is a 'show' thing, not a 'words' thing and just because he didn't hit/insult me, made me laugh and feel happy, and was sensitive and kind in his dealings with me until the end, sure as hell doesn't make him a good person and he definitely shouldn't have treated me as he did. Basically, my head tells me I dodged a bullet here. There's so much good stuff in my life, really. In many ways I am very, very blessed and have much to be thankful for. Yet I feel so black inside. I can go from fine to tear-sodden in 60 seconds. I cry on the way to work, and cry on the way home. I constantly check my emails to see if he has contacted me. I check the site he uses to see if he's posted. I feel lost when something good happens, because I'd share it with him. Lost when something tough happens. I see his face in my head, constantly try to understand how much of 'us' was real, and how much was him just keeping me hanging in there. I wonder where he is, what he's doing, how his job is, how his mum is, whether he's watching the tv we used to watch. blah blah blah. I remember some of the real tough chats we had, tears from both of us, and now I suspect he was upset because he KNEW what was up ahead. He once said to me 'I'm so scared I am going to hurt you', and I allowed myself to twist and translate it. Not clever of me at all. I want to speak to him, I want him to contact me. I want him to realise he can't live without me. He fell ill when we cut contact previously... Yet HE must be doing okay because he's been fine with ignoring me. I feel frequently anxious, I am hyperventilating more than I have for years (long ago I learned to control/stop the panic attacks, but I have underlying breathing difficulties when I am under stress). This tires me out and makes me feel more teary than I might otherwise be sometimes. I hate anyone at work to see me in a 'state' so the breathing thing is really hard to cover up. I do KNOW I'm making progress. I have good days (a new phenomenon!), and I can feel that the rational side of me is seeing some really useful things. I sometimes have mini-lightbulb moments, breakthroughs, where it feels like a revelation and things add up more than they did the previous day... That must be a good thing. But I can't seem to get myself straight and always feel just a moment away from 'failure' or as if I'm fighting some sort of meltdown. I have had some significantly difficult times in my life. Times that I truly believe would be more likely to cause upset/anxiety etc than this period I am going through now. But each time I was fighting something, a cause, or focused on something major happening to/around me. I think I am struggling because of the huge nothing-ness. I genuinely (rightly or wrongly) thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with a man who turned his phone off one evening after texting that he loved me, and we've never spoken since. This isn't a pity-party, I promise. I am working hard, and am determined to get past this, learn from it. I'm doing my absolute best by my son, every day. But if anyone has anything useful to offer me to help me on my way I'd be really grateful.
jthorne Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 I'm not really sure this will help you, but here's what I see from the outside looking in. This guy scammed you. He took advantage of you and your kindness. Yet, you are still seeing him as a good guy. You've still got him placed upon a pedestal. You are not seeing him for the con artist he is because that mean admitting you got taken. I'm not saying that to be insulting, as I think every OW gets taken to a certain extent. See the guy for what he is. See what made you vulnerable to it.
Author Silly_Girl Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 That's exactly my focus, jthorne, partly to move past this and partly to protect myself in future. But the fact I'm seeing things more clearly and able to have perspective carries an expectation I'd stop feeling so sad or heartbroken. My head tells me I've no reason to feel devastated. The rest of me isn't catching up!!!
jj33 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Silly I went through that stage too walking down the street and welling up in tears for no reason. It is a phase. Regardless of who he is and whether your expecatations were realistic given who he really is, he was important to you and you had your heart fixed on a future with this man. It is going to take your heart time to catch up. As they say, nature abhors a vaccuum and with time the black hole will be filled. Without diminishing what you shared, having a focus for the romantic love that you feel is a wonderful feeling. When its gone there is a void especially if it wasnt your choice to end it or you still love the other person when it ends. I think that is the most difficult part of healing from an A. It doesnt have the same natural kind of ending that relationships with single people do. It makes you question so many things about what was real, how did your heart get so entangled in it, how did the other person not act on their feelings on and on and on. It took me a lot longer than I would have liked to fill that hole. I hope yours is filled sooner. Big hugs jj
Author Silly_Girl Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 Thank you jj. It's sad to hear you've been there but reassuring to know a) this is normal/natural; b) it will pass. Is it just time, do you think? Just keep on keeping on? You said the phase lasted longer than you'd have liked, just wondered whether you were able to influence things or whether it's just not a conscious thing. I agree totally with what you say. I've been quite hung up on the facts of the situation, mad at myself etc, but my counsellor wants me to accept the sadness etc and allow myself to grieve. As you say, it's a different kind of an ending. Thank you for the hugs. Appreciated.
pureinheart Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 You are doing excellent, and it's normal to be still in a somewhat state of depression as the R was real to you, whether it was to him or not is not your problem...you were real and that what counts. I love thrift stores and antique shops, they are great therapy and you can go on a shopping spree for about 40$ and get next to new stuff for less than a quarter of the retail price...you feel good because your not broke afterwards...even if you do it everyday like I did for months:eek:...now I have another problem though...I had to go through everything because I had too much stuff and felt like a hoarder...lol...and feared I'd end up someday on a hoarder intervention TV show:eek::eek: (they have these intervention shows in the US). JJ is right, A's are a different bear...there aren't too many ears that you can bend in the middle of the night when your upset as most see it as your fault for getting into it in the first place. You have a really good attititude SG, and are doing possitive things to cause your life to be better, and you don't sound like you walk in anger either...that is the coolest thing IMO...so many get stuck in anger and bitterness and to me that is a killer of the soul. Hey, I'm watching my little 18 mo old doll baby granddaughter sleep right now and I realise I have reason to be on this earth, much more than once thought. They are soooo cute...compact versions of big people. Also have two older grandsons...I play with them, run with them and teach them continuously and they love it...I just am amazed at their little feet and hands and how my granddaughter is a bit wobbly still, but agile at the same time...wow I hurt too, and know where your coming from, but we aren't dwelling on it and putting our focus where it counts the most...I would love to be in a R with a really cool young thinking guy, although I know I'm still not there yet in my head. You've been an inspiration to me and I'm sure others also concerning your upbeat, sincere attitude...
silverplanets Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Hello lovely LS-ers... Am really having a difficult time and although I suspect good things are happening for me, inside, I wonder if I might benefit from the wisdom of those who've been there. It's been about 6 weeks since my relationship (of only 8 months) with xMM ended. I don't remember ever feeling less sure of myself, who I am, what I'm doing. I have no faith in myself or my ability to make decisions in the future.... There's two Me's. The first one is turning up at work every day, working harder than I have in a very long time, apparently impressing new colleagues and bosses and having a renewed interest in everything and feeling really committed to making a difference. I am doing lots of wonderful things with my son, cycling, walking, climbing trees, reading together, having fun, joking around, laughing lots. I found a gorgeous piece of secondhand furniture I fell in love with and have since bought more, revamped my whole bedroom. We've had fun rooting round antique shops and charity shops and secondhand bookstores, stopping for ice cream by the canal or picnic on the beach. I've thrown out so much 'stuff', have revamped my son's room and we've had a big garden bonfire and enjoyed clearing out all sorts of junk. I've been gardening and staying on top of the housework (usually the first thing to go awry when I've got the blues ). I've started the ball rolling with the lawyers for getting my psycho-ex out of my life and off the deeds of my home. I am attempting to repair my relationship with my mum where a few weeks ago I felt prepared to walk away from her for ever. I am taking time out for me (not something I have ever really done, ever, in my life) to read books I love, or listen to music I'd forgotten about, or to spend three times longer in the shower just because I want to! I am working hard on the issues coming up at IC, trying my hardest not to be defensive (I'm good at being defensive ) and trying to build on things we've talked about, and explore some of the hangover from a previous relationship. I am spending time deconstructing the whole xMM thing, getting perspective in terms of the vulnerable place I was in when we met, trying to divorce the 'it was HIM I was in love with' (sometimes true) from the 'I liked that it made me feel like this/opposite to the way my ex made me feel'. And lots more around that. I take heart from the fact I walked away from him, a real achievement given my previous behaviour with my ex; I'm NOT proud I allowed myself to believe his version of things, but I am proud I recognised the 'wrong-ness' (!) and fought and fought against it, until it was time to walk away for good. I realise (now!) that xMM enjoys his 'prison' and it's as big a part of him as the way he walks. I know that had we made it through this particular stage, because of his complete inability to face issues/make decisions we'd have had problems around him ending his marriage, and problems with taking action to shape our future (I'm considering emigrating/moving). I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with a man who turned his phone off one evening after texting that he loved me, and we've never spoken since. Love is a 'show' thing, not a 'words' thing and just because he didn't hit/insult me, made me laugh and feel happy, and was sensitive and kind in his dealings with me until the end, sure as hell doesn't make him a good person and he definitely shouldn't have treated me as he did. Basically, my head tells me I dodged a bullet here. There's so much good stuff in my life, really. In many ways I am very, very blessed and have much to be thankful for. Yet I feel so black inside. I can go from fine to tear-sodden in 60 seconds. I cry on the way to work, and cry on the way home. I constantly check my emails to see if he has contacted me. I check the site he uses to see if he's posted. I feel lost when something good happens, because I'd share it with him. Lost when something tough happens. I see his face in my head, constantly try to understand how much of 'us' was real, and how much was him just keeping me hanging in there. I wonder where he is, what he's doing, how his job is, how his mum is, whether he's watching the tv we used to watch. blah blah blah. I remember some of the real tough chats we had, tears from both of us, and now I suspect he was upset because he KNEW what was up ahead. He once said to me 'I'm so scared I am going to hurt you', and I allowed myself to twist and translate it. Not clever of me at all. I want to speak to him, I want him to contact me. I want him to realise he can't live without me. He fell ill when we cut contact previously... Yet HE must be doing okay because he's been fine with ignoring me. I feel frequently anxious, I am hyperventilating more than I have for years (long ago I learned to control/stop the panic attacks, but I have underlying breathing difficulties when I am under stress). This tires me out and makes me feel more teary than I might otherwise be sometimes. I hate anyone at work to see me in a 'state' so the breathing thing is really hard to cover up. I do KNOW I'm making progress. I have good days (a new phenomenon!), and I can feel that the rational side of me is seeing some really useful things. I sometimes have mini-lightbulb moments, breakthroughs, where it feels like a revelation and things add up more than they did the previous day... That must be a good thing. But I can't seem to get myself straight and always feel just a moment away from 'failure' or as if I'm fighting some sort of meltdown. I have had some significantly difficult times in my life. Times that I truly believe would be more likely to cause upset/anxiety etc than this period I am going through now. But each time I was fighting something, a cause, or focused on something major happening to/around me. I think I am struggling because of the huge nothing-ness. I genuinely (rightly or wrongly) thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with a man who turned his phone off one evening after texting that he loved me, and we've never spoken since. This isn't a pity-party, I promise. I am working hard, and am determined to get past this, learn from it. I'm doing my absolute best by my son, every day. But if anyone has anything useful to offer me to help me on my way I'd be really grateful. SG - you have a distinct knack for being able to vividly articulate things. I think it's a great gift I think I get this - on the one hand everything is going great guns, you're talking responsibilty and are happy that you are. On the other hand there's this yawning emptiness and black hole inside you that seems to grow in exact proportion to the happy side of you. So you end up in this bizarre situation where the more you push for yourself the more empty you feel inside. My eventual take on this was that I really was hurt inside but that some part of me was simply protecting me from the pain. BUT the better I got the more able I was to handle the pain and therefore the more comfortable my body felt about letting me feel it. I began to see it as rather than a big hole growing inside me it was a big pit of pain and hurt that was inside me but that slowly I was seeing more of. So it wasn't growing, it was just that as I grew stronger I was able to cope with seeing it's real size. In a way what was being drawn back to reveal the true size of the whole were the little lies I had/was telling myself to make it easier to handle (such as "I don't love her", or "She didn't mean to lie to me" etc etc) ... I began to realise though that as I grew stronger I was able to drop each of these lies and see the simple truth - about how much I was hurt, about her/us and about me. It's kind of like a positive denial ... and it lasted a lot longer than the initial denial ... BUT the good news is that I began to see it as a sign of a) how strong I was getting that I could now deal with these new things ... and b) how wonderful my body was that it could protect me in these ways until I was strong enough .... So perhaps your "self" now thinks you are strong enough to begin to see the size of the whole ... and if it does, it's because it knows you are strong enough to work out what it is and handle it, rather than let it crack you :) And, going by your posts, it's right ... your working your way throught it, rather than it just paralysing you .... On a complete aside, once I had been able to deal with the hole that was left over from xMW, I became aware of another one ... which was MUCH deeper and darker ... this hole was "me" and was the reason why I had clung on to xMW. So, using my analogy, my body now feels I am strong enough to confront my OWN darkness inside ... and so far it's right ... I'm bringing it out bit by bit. And as each bit comes out I am more whole, complete and "fixed" as a person. OK, enough rambling .... Be safe Chris
Hazyhead Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Silly, I felt (still feel at times) so much of what you describe. It aches and wears you out because, sometimes, the thoughts are inescapable. It does take time. It's now 7 months since I actually saw MM and I still have low moments, especially after triggers (of which, Goddamnit, there are loads). They can sneak up on you and just leave you floored. I think your counselor is right to tell you to grieve. It would be so wonderful a stage to skip due to it being so incredibly miserable at times, but it's crucial. I do think it's fab that you are keeping yourself so busy, this will certainly help. I wish I could give you a time scale but the truth is, although I'm mostly fine, I'm still working through this myself. You'll get there, sweetie. Hold hands with us here on LS, and those around you until you do. Hugs Hazy x
wheelwright Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 SG I thought your post was brave and intelligent. You will go a long way with those qualities. I agree with SP that there are stages, and we don't let ourselves see the whole until we are ready to deal with it. Becoming ready to deal with it is part of the healing. I feel terrible for you, as it seems you had a similar cut off from your lover as I had with mine. I know how that feels. (((hugs))) I wonder if the heart catches up with the head roughly when we get to a decent level of acceptance. You still have to deal with the pain then, but you know you can manage it. It doesn't tear you apart. It is an easier pain to bear. The dissonance between head and heart for me was huge and extremely damaging. I knew I had to resolve it. You sound like you are dealing better TBH. I found all sorts of ways of trying to resolve it which meant swinging wildly from 'the head is right' to 'the heart is right'. That didn't work. Eventually, I can live with both the voices. It was great when one morning I got out of bed in a strong mood and said 'both are right'. I didn't have to fight myself anymore. A certain level of closure helped after this eureka moment. I don't know if the heart catches up with the head. It's not a competition. They have to learn to trust and respect each other is all. Hard when your heart led you to a bad place. But do-able. You seem really sorted already in so many ways. Good luck.
Author Silly_Girl Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 You are doing excellent, and it's normal to be still in a somewhat state of depression as the R was real to you, whether it was to him or not is not your problem...you were real and that what counts. I love thrift stores and antique shops, they are great therapy and you can go on a shopping spree for about 40$ and get next to new stuff for less than a quarter of the retail price...you feel good because your not broke afterwards...even if you do it everyday like I did for months:eek:...now I have another problem though...I had to go through everything because I had too much stuff and felt like a hoarder...lol...and feared I'd end up someday on a hoarder intervention TV show:eek::eek: (they have these intervention shows in the US). JJ is right, A's are a different bear...there aren't too many ears that you can bend in the middle of the night when your upset as most see it as your fault for getting into it in the first place. You have a really good attititude SG, and are doing possitive things to cause your life to be better, and you don't sound like you walk in anger either...that is the coolest thing IMO...so many get stuck in anger and bitterness and to me that is a killer of the soul. Hey, I'm watching my little 18 mo old doll baby granddaughter sleep right now and I realise I have reason to be on this earth, much more than once thought. They are soooo cute...compact versions of big people. Also have two older grandsons...I play with them, run with them and teach them continuously and they love it...I just am amazed at their little feet and hands and how my granddaughter is a bit wobbly still, but agile at the same time...wow I hurt too, and know where your coming from, but we aren't dwelling on it and putting our focus where it counts the most...I would love to be in a R with a really cool young thinking guy, although I know I'm still not there yet in my head. You've been an inspiration to me and I'm sure others also concerning your upbeat, sincere attitude... Thank you very much for your kind response PIH. I guess, looking back, what I was asking as much as anything was... "IS THIS NORMAL???? Or have I lost the plot?!!" I'll look out for you on the telly, I've seen those women with 5,000 pairs of shoes and 2,000 antique vases You're right about a lack of ears to bend, but sometimes it's not that, it's my own questioning that makes me reluctant to talk to the friends I can talk to. I did all of that in the beginning too, a lot of to-ing and fro-ing and pondering and worrying, because of the nature of it. That wouldn't have been there in a 'normal' set-up. Your baby granddaughter... how beautiful, and how lovely for you! Oh god, kids do something to us don't they? One of my favourite things in the world is when I sneak in to kiss my sleeping son goodnight and he stirs a little and he makes a little noise as he sucks 3 or 4 times. He used to have a dummy/pacifier at bedtime as a baby and he still sometimes does this little thing as though it's still there and I can't see/hear it without my heart pounding out of my chest, and to me he's back there, a few months old, so peaceful and innocent and vulnerable. He's now 5ft 8 - they grow up too quick!!! I hope your cool, young thinking guy turns up when you're ready. And if he's got a cute brother....
Author Silly_Girl Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 (edited) SG - you have a distinct knack for being able to vividly articulate things. I think it's a great gift I think I get this - on the one hand everything is going great guns, you're talking responsibilty and are happy that you are. On the other hand there's this yawning emptiness and black hole inside you that seems to grow in exact proportion to the happy side of you. So you end up in this bizarre situation where the more you push for yourself the more empty you feel inside. My eventual take on this was that I really was hurt inside but that some part of me was simply protecting me from the pain. BUT the better I got the more able I was to handle the pain and therefore the more comfortable my body felt about letting me feel it. I began to see it as rather than a big hole growing inside me it was a big pit of pain and hurt that was inside me but that slowly I was seeing more of. So it wasn't growing, it was just that as I grew stronger I was able to cope with seeing it's real size. In a way what was being drawn back to reveal the true size of the whole were the little lies I had/was telling myself to make it easier to handle (such as "I don't love her", or "She didn't mean to lie to me" etc etc) ... I began to realise though that as I grew stronger I was able to drop each of these lies and see the simple truth - about how much I was hurt, about her/us and about me. It's kind of like a positive denial ... and it lasted a lot longer than the initial denial ... BUT the good news is that I began to see it as a sign of a) how strong I was getting that I could now deal with these new things ... and b) how wonderful my body was that it could protect me in these ways until I was strong enough .... So perhaps your "self" now thinks you are strong enough to begin to see the size of the whole ... and if it does, it's because it knows you are strong enough to work out what it is and handle it, rather than let it crack you :) And, going by your posts, it's right ... your working your way throught it, rather than it just paralysing you .... On a complete aside, once I had been able to deal with the hole that was left over from xMW, I became aware of another one ... which was MUCH deeper and darker ... this hole was "me" and was the reason why I had clung on to xMW. So, using my analogy, my body now feels I am strong enough to confront my OWN darkness inside ... and so far it's right ... I'm bringing it out bit by bit. And as each bit comes out I am more whole, complete and "fixed" as a person. OK, enough rambling .... Be safe Chris Chris - thank you so much for replying. I am sometimes I little 'wary' of your posts, whoever they are to, because they often contain truth that might be difficult to face. I mean that in a good way - not tough lovin' "hit that man upside the head and get yaself a life" type of post. But things that leave me thinking at odd times of the day/night. I really get your 'big hole' analogy. I have seen mine in my thoughts so many times. When I was at primary school a huge crater appeared in the playing field (bear with...). It transpired that there had been a WW2 bomb underneath and all of a sudden the earth around it caved. They roped it off but some mischievous youngsters (naughty? Moi? ) got in to school grounds on the weekend for a nosey around. We were scared to get close, and gradually edged nearer and nearer. It seemed big from several feet back (I was only small then!) but right up close it seemed enormous. And that's how I feel. The hole/darkness/confusion isn't growing, but the more aware I become of it the larger it looms. I'm becoming aware of just how big a task I have ahead. But at the same time I WANT to do this. I am almost impatient about things getting harder, for progress. I know it will come with time, and I must be patient, but a part of me feels that I won't feel whole until I have trod this path, so let's just do it. On the one hand I am angry it has taken so long for me to reach this 'place'. On the other hand I am acutely aware of the route that has brought me here, I am young enough to benefit for a long time to come. My counsellor interpreted my ramblings a few days ago to say that the sadness/blackness was lessening. No, not for me. For me the good times are getting better, I am trying to acknowledge them, trying to reaffirm that 'I had fun doing this' or 'I am lucky I can go and do that', so I am having happier times than I was (I struggled to get out of bed and pretended to my sno I was ill when it first happened!!); but the sadness is the same size. It's not going away. My bright times are brighter, but black is still black. And it's 'ME' too SP, you're right (that part brought tears to my eyes). It's not just the loss of relationship, although the impact on me has certainly brought me here. I've spent years dealing with stuff, I've been a mum; been a part-time student whilst being a full-time employee, whilst being a mum and girlfriend. I've been the friend who gets called out in the middle of the night because I'm needed. I've had a period of time where I was physically disabled. I spent years really only identifying myself as X's gf or X's stepmum. I've had many roles, considering my age, but I've not really and truly been just me for a period of time. I still wish that xMM would come back to me, really I do, but there's a little whisper in my head that says that if that happens I'd be losing a great opportunity now to fix myself. I think so anyway. I don't want the positive denial you speak of. I can rationalise, and pick up on things I did (accepting situations I shouldn't have done, or not asserting my own needs enough etc) but I'm pretty sure I've decided that writing the whole thing off is not for me. It felt too pure and beautiful and right for me to start pretending it was a farce (sorry for that - sick bags are stored under your seats ). Plus, the relationship helped me hugely. xMM wasn't a 'rescuer' per HH's thread, but I learnt about myself with him, and laid some major ghosts of my past to bed, so I would prefer to be thankful for what I was able to feel and almost 'celebrate' the fact it happened (not the fact it was an AFFAIR no no no no); not sure that makes sense to anyone but me. I think it's wonderful that you're making the progress you are. Firstly that you understand yourself and what is happening to you emotionally/mentally. That's so brave. Secondly the fact you recognise that you're moving forward and feel more 'complete' as a result. And you get to offer much sage advice here on LS, fortunately for us :) Just a random thought - I remember thinking on more than one occasion when xMM and I were together that many people I knew who were part of a couple would wish for the connection and relationship xMM and I were enjoying, and how very lucky I was to have found something like that. But there again, being whole, feeling complete, being at one with yourself. Isn't that something people strive for? And not everyone gets there? I like the idea that I might end up, one day, feeling lucky again Edited July 9, 2010 by Silly_Girl
Author Silly_Girl Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 Silly, I felt (still feel at times) so much of what you describe. It aches and wears you out because, sometimes, the thoughts are inescapable. It does take time. It's now 7 months since I actually saw MM and I still have low moments, especially after triggers (of which, Goddamnit, there are loads). They can sneak up on you and just leave you floored. I think your counselor is right to tell you to grieve. It would be so wonderful a stage to skip due to it being so incredibly miserable at times, but it's crucial. I do think it's fab that you are keeping yourself so busy, this will certainly help. I wish I could give you a time scale but the truth is, although I'm mostly fine, I'm still working through this myself. You'll get there, sweetie. Hold hands with us here on LS, and those around you until you do. Hugs Hazy x Thank you Hazy. It's always so bittersweet, taking comfort from someone else's pain. Feels wrong but it DOES help to know that others understand and have been there. The counsellor suggested methods for putting the thoughts to one side, and then taking them out when I'm ready. Walking the dog and driving are times I just can't put him out of my head, but I try my hardest at other times to focus on what I am doing 100% (interestingly something that rarely happened when he was IN my life ) and then come back to a train of thought later. 7 months, wow. Such a long time. Seems decades to me now, but I know it isn't. It's really not so long. Thank you for letting me metaphorically hold your hand. It is very very appreciated.
Author Silly_Girl Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 SG I thought your post was brave and intelligent. You will go a long way with those qualities. I agree with SP that there are stages, and we don't let ourselves see the whole until we are ready to deal with it. Becoming ready to deal with it is part of the healing. I feel terrible for you, as it seems you had a similar cut off from your lover as I had with mine. I know how that feels. (((hugs))) I wonder if the heart catches up with the head roughly when we get to a decent level of acceptance. You still have to deal with the pain then, but you know you can manage it. It doesn't tear you apart. It is an easier pain to bear. The dissonance between head and heart for me was huge and extremely damaging. I knew I had to resolve it. You sound like you are dealing better TBH. I found all sorts of ways of trying to resolve it which meant swinging wildly from 'the head is right' to 'the heart is right'. That didn't work. Eventually, I can live with both the voices. It was great when one morning I got out of bed in a strong mood and said 'both are right'. I didn't have to fight myself anymore. A certain level of closure helped after this eureka moment. I don't know if the heart catches up with the head. It's not a competition. They have to learn to trust and respect each other is all. Hard when your heart led you to a bad place. But do-able. You seem really sorted already in so many ways. Good luck. Hi WW, thank you for the support. It feels as though every bout of posting I do brings me a step further. It's odd. I posted, and then stayed off the site for a little while, and that time after, the replies, it REALLY helps me such a lot. To be honest, I feel a bit 'weak' for needing that outlet, but this is something I've not come across before and I've always 'soldiered on' with stuff and I'm trying to learn that accepting help isn't a weakness, it's a strength to turn to the right person/people at the right time. I understand that 'swinging' you mention. What I find scary is not just how the 2 are so polarised, but how very quickly they can swing. I sobbed so hard the other evening, oh goodness, actually physical wailing (in the car, middle of nowhere, music on; 'safe sobbing' I like to call it ), feeling loss, feeling desperate to call him and call an end to this stupid charade where he's there and I'm here and he's unhappy and I'm unhappy and we so clearly belong together and can't possibly live out the rest of our lives separately; and a little while later, back home, I feel stronger and strangely detached from it, him, and my mind tells me how very much better off I am, and how much happier he must be, and how this is the best outcome for all etc etc. The mind is a strange place... I love your comment about the head and heart learning to co-habit, so to speak. I think that's really useful for me. I guess I was trying to understand who I 'backed', who I was rooting for. But really, neither are wrong and I'd probably feel calmer if I could accept both instead of trying to work 'things' out. Thank you for that, and for the other posts of yours I've read.
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