icebutterfly Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 (edited) A few weeks ago, I met a man online who seemed perfect for me. He felt the same and we launched into non stop emails, phone calls, texts and he showered me with romantic gifts. I was literally swept off my feet - not something I would usually allow to happen, but it felt right. A week in - he told me I was 'the one' for him (usually this would freak me out - but I thought it was flattering and he did seem lovely - and we had a strong connection) so I became his girlfriend at his request. Another week in - we'd spent almost every evening together and had grown very close (for such a short relationship). On our own together, he seemed perfect for me and he said he was crazy about me - and showed it. Then that same week, he asked if he could come to a family meal and meet my young daughter there. Normally I would be really cautious - but my whole family would be there and I wanted their opinion of this amazing man. So he visited, and suddenly it was like another person - he was insulting towards my family, told stories about his anger issues and how much he hated his ex wife. It also emerged he was a massive racist...and he told my sensitive little daughter how he much he loved hunting and killing animals in gruesome detail.... it was quite shocking and she cried. That night - I broke up with him. Which, for him, couldn't have come at a worse time... he is a soldier who was badly injured some time ago and he was about to go for an operation to try to save a limb. He'd already asked me to support him through the op - and I'd agreed (before this happened). He took the news of the breakup very, very badly... I just said we were too different to continue a relationship (rather than I was scared of getting on the wrong side of him due to his anger). Now I am getting messages telling me I am a terrible person for leaving someone who really needed me - and how could I give up on things so easily. The messages make me feel guilty as I tend to care about anyone and everyone and I like to keep promises to people. But... the relationship was only a couple of weeks long - and I have to put myself and child first. He obviously couldn't understand that and said I should be less selfish and more supportive of a soldier. Would other people have dumped this person before this operation, the second they realised he were really not right for them? Or would you have continued it while they went into hospital...to be nice .... to save the person the pain of extra bad timing? He was very kind and caring towards me... but I don't think that would have lasted long due to his manner towards others! Also I don't believe someone who really cares, should try to guilt-trip you into staying with them. What do others think? Thanks! Edited July 7, 2010 by icebutterfly too much information
sweetjasmine Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 He was very kind and caring towards me... but I don't think that would have lasted long due to his manner towards others! Also I don't believe someone who really cares, should try to guilt-trip you into staying with them. What do others think? I think you're right and that you did the right thing. Being a soldier is noble in its own way, and it's a shame that he needs an operation to save a limb, but that certainly doesn't give him the right to treat your family like garbage and guilt trip you into staying by his side. He's not entitled to have someone stay with him by sheer virtue of being a soldier even though he hurts their family and child. That's just absurd. It's extremely manipulative to play the "but I'm a soldier" card to excuse terrible behavior. And you're right that if he treats your family like that, he's not going to treat you any better. His behavior threw up all sorts of red flags, from the insults to the anger issues to the hatred of his ex-wife to the racism to the graphic descriptions of killing animals that made your little girl cry. He probably needs psychological help, like a lot of veterans returning from combat zones. I wouldn't be surprised if he also has PTSD. It's a shame that he's really that broken, but it's not your responsibility to fix him, and you should have no obligation to stick around and deal with his problems. Trust your judgment. If what you saw was enough to honestly scare you, then keep your distance and don't let guilt tripping pull you back in.
Author icebutterfly Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 Hi Jasmine, Thank you so much for the quick reply. You've reassured me a lot. I've been told I am 'too nice' and I try to care about everyone - even people I really shouldn't. But I know you are right and your answer helps a lot. It's also a red flag - I see now - that I was scared to tell him it was over in person... and that was after a couple of weeks. Longer and it could've been much worse.
lso802 Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 There's never a right time for a break-up. Even if you would have waited, then someone would just say you led him on.
Mimolicious Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 First of all, this is someone that you know (well not even) for a few weeks, not your H of 15 that you left in the OR. Why do you feel like bad for ending it. I'm probably going to get some heat for this but you know what... you are not invested in this R and count that as a blessing. It it's your ship and you are the captain! WHO CARES what he thinks you are at this point! You have a child to be concerned about. He displayed a disturbing behavior. I hope you learned a lesson from meeting people online and bringing them around your family and child so prematurely. May I ask, why did you have to introduce a total stranger to your daughter? This is how kids end up being abused or go missing. My suggestion, next time keep your child out of the equation until you are certain that this is someone worthy of her knowing. Just MHO.
reservoirdog1 Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 I'm a guy, so I'm imagining this with the genders reversed. Firstly, I WOULD feel guilty. But only because I'm somewhat succeptible to guilt trips laid on me by my significant others. But that doesn't mean the guilt would be rational or reasonable. And in your case, IMHO, it isn't. You've known this guy for a few weeks, thought he was wonderful, and he came to a family gathering and revealed himself to be a creepy bloodthirsty racist with anger issues. If I were in your shoes, I'd be weirded out by that and want to end things. Noble though his soldiering may be, that doesn't mean you hold him to a different dating standard. He was also moving things pretty bloody fast. GF/BF, lots of gifts, inviting himself to a family dinner, wanting you to commit to help him through his operation... all in a matter of weeks? Sounds to me like, at best, he's manipulative, and was trying to rope you in quickly just so that he'd have somebody to "support him through the operation", whatever the hell that means. (What DOES that mean? Help him dress and bathe, cook for him, clean for him, and the really gross stuff? After knowing the guy for a few weeks?) And at worst, he sounds like the male version of a bunny boiler. Don't feel guilty -- in my view, you totally did the right thing. Consider that a bullet successfully dodged.
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