MassPathy Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 New here and need advice quick.... my fiance is visiting her parents in No. Carolina and meeting her sister there. I found out by seeing an e-mail that she has written to a former lover, someone she had a sexual and emotional affair with 20+ years ago while she was married to her now-ex, and she wanted to know if he would be around. He wrote he would and would love to see her. I'm not supposed to know about this as i saw the e-mail that was on the computer when she mistakenly left it up and went to the bathroom quickly. My thoughts are that it would be okay if she saw him with her sister, but not alone.... but it hurts to know she wrote to him and wants to get together. I love her and she loves me, we've been together 6 years, but I don't know HIM and even though he's in his 60's now, if there will be some drinking and otherwise re-living those days. Should I ask her if she's planning on seeing him and see what she says? Tell her, if she tells me the truth or not, that while i love her and trust her I'm uncomfortable with her writing and seeing him? Help.... I'm so confused... I'm 52 she's 50 and hot....
Iconoclast Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Tough one. It was a long time ago. On the other hand, she cheated with him on her ex, and she's keeping her contact with him a secret from you. So she reached out to him, or did he contact first?
imagine Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 There should be a law in the marriage guide books: No Contact with past boyfriends/girlfriends. Also no single visits to school reunions. "I wonder,wonder who, who wrote book of love" -anyone old enough to remember this song?
sally4sara Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 You know, I have not gone on every trip my husband has made and I have also traveled alone. In the planning stages of these trips, we've both told the other our plans, even pointless things we intended doing. Like taking a relaxing bath after being in the car or on the plan for so long. Or what restaurant we wanted to eat at. Care to guess why such a big detail as seeing an ex lover went unmentioned by your partner?
jnj express Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 You don't have to tell me she is hot---what is hot to you might be ugly to me----as said before it is her character in question--- You have a major problem----she cheated with him before, AND DESTROYED A MGE.---and she is hiding him NOW Have it out with her----you could put a P I on her , in her home town----or you can set a boundary right now----confront her about the hiding, about her wanting to meet him, about what he and her did to a previous mge., and tell her point blank----IF SHE WANTS TO MARRY YOU, THERE IS TO BE NO CONTACT WITH HIM---FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER. Let her know it is a deal breaker, and find some way to moniter her movements---or you can tell her she now has a decision to make---cuz of her past, and her NOW hiding things from you---you have lost trust---so she can make a decision----do not go---and her planned mge. will happen---if she goes, and it is her decision----your decision will be NO MGE. AT THIS TIME She can do what she wants, and you will do what you need to do No matter what do not ignore this---there is a huge red flag waiving right in front of you.
jnj express Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 One more thing while I'm on a roll here She is going to see her family---WHY DID SHE NEED TO CONTACT HIM AT ALL
Woggle Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 She cheated on her ex husband with this guy and she will cheat on you with him. You are not officially married yet so you still have a chance to dodge this bullet.
redmelon Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 I like hiring the PI, see what turns up, and if she cheats with him confront her and say that he called and revealed. Then dump her.
vestigalvirgin Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Care to guess why such a big detail as seeing an ex lover went unmentioned by your partner? "Ex"? How optimistic of you.
Guildford Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 MassPathy - can you take the time to join her on the trip? Suggest that you go along to meet her family and friends and watch carefully her reaction. If she says that would not be a good idea then you do have a problemm.
spriggig Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 She cheated on her ex husband with this guy and she will cheat on you with him. You are not officially married yet so you still have a chance to dodge this bullet. This. Also, he hasn't come back? Maybe "quick" meant he was packing his bags?
2sunny Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 One more thing while I'm on a roll here She is going to see her family---WHY DID SHE NEED TO CONTACT HIM AT ALL there's only one reason she would intentionally go out of her way to contact him - and ask to see him... you know the answer. she is showing what her intentions are when you don't have her in front of you. this is not the type of person i would date. when i have to wonder - i toss them out. my peace of mind is worth way more than their ego strokes.
jnj express Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Hey MassP----you are getting a world of advice based on experience, You may not wanna hear it---but it is pretty much on target---- What is your thinking as to all of this
kevinm1019 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 New here and need advice quick.... my fiance is visiting her parents in No. Carolina and meeting her sister there. I found out by seeing an e-mail that she has written to a former lover, someone she had a sexual and emotional affair with 20+ years ago while she was married to her now-ex, and she wanted to know if he would be around. He wrote he would and would love to see her. I'm not supposed to know about this as i saw the e-mail that was on the computer when she mistakenly left it up and went to the bathroom quickly. My thoughts are that it would be okay if she saw him with her sister, but not alone.... but it hurts to know she wrote to him and wants to get together. I love her and she loves me, we've been together 6 years, but I don't know HIM and even though he's in his 60's now, if there will be some drinking and otherwise re-living those days. Should I ask her if she's planning on seeing him and see what she says? Tell her, if she tells me the truth or not, that while i love her and trust her I'm uncomfortable with her writing and seeing him? Help.... I'm so confused... I'm 52 she's 50 and hot.... Ok... let's use some humor here to lighten the mood... (1) Would you feel comfortable with an alcoholic or former alcoholic hanging out in a bar with his or her AA buddies? (2) A drug addict or former drug addict hanging around daily drug users? (3) Jumping in shark infested waters with a deep cut dripping blood? or (4) Your current SO going to see her ex-lover who she cheated on her ex-husband with? Hmmmm... "Manage Your Destiny or Someone Will Manage It For You"
2sure Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 [QUOTE=MassPathy;2877474]. Should I ask her if she's planning on seeing him and see what she says? Tell her, if she tells me the truth or not, that while i love her and trust her I'm uncomfortable with her writing and seeing him? Help.... I'm so confused... I'm 52 she's 50 and hot.... YES . You are not confused although your fiancé is being confusing. Be direct. Be honest. Thats what you want from her isnt it? Be able to do that. Further, expect it from her as well. If you dont get openness, directness, honesty and transparency...why marry?
Gman95670 Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I would not ask her any questions about her seeing the former lover until after her trip. If she doesn't bring it up before the trip, you can ask her probing questions on whether she saw him, had planned to see him and question her on why she did not disclose the information to you prior to the trip.
seibert253 Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 (edited) One more thing while I'm on a roll here She is going to see her family---WHY DID SHE NEED TO CONTACT HIM AT ALL ^^^^^^ This Ask her. "Enjoy your trip and tell everyone hi. Oh, almost forgot, can you explain to me why you are meeting up with your Ex lover, and forgot to mention this to me?" The look on her face will tell you all you need to know. Edited July 9, 2010 by seibert253
sally4sara Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Have flowers sent to your home just before she leaves and to arrive while you are at work or out doing something. Have the card read "Can't wait to see you again" no name If you come home and the flowers are sitting out with her assuming they were from you, the worst you have to say is that by the card you meant when she gets back home. If you come home and they are no where in sight - you know she has someone else who might send her flowers like that. Or send them to her work and see if she mentions it.
jnj express Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Masspathy---I can promise you---If you do not confront her on this prior to her going, and lay out a line in the sand----SHE WILL HAVE SEX WITH HIM----SHE HAS ALREADY BROKEN UP ONE MGE., WITH THIS GUY---- Your problem is you will NEVER KNOW---Will you?????? she certainly isn't gonna tell Because of the hiding, and the past history----you have a major problem, and you know it----YOU NEED TO DEAL WITH IT NOW---and you had better take a very hard line about how you handle it. Or would you rather start your mge., wondering, what happened down there----that in itself will fester, and kill off your relationship Remember the old addage it is very true ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER----That comes from hard line experience----get your head out of the sand, and confront this RIGHT NOW
Dexter Morgan Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 New here and need advice quick.... my fiance is visiting her parents in No. Carolina and meeting her sister there. I found out by seeing an e-mail that she has written to a former lover, someone she had a sexual and emotional affair with 20+ years ago while she was married to her now-ex, and she wanted to know if he would be around. He wrote he would and would love to see her. I'm not supposed to know about this as i saw the e-mail that was on the computer when she mistakenly left it up and went to the bathroom quickly. so she is hiding this from you and didn't intend to tell you....and why do you think that is? She is looking to get boned while on this trip. And even if that wasn't the case, why is she secretive about this? And what is the point of looking up a former lover when you know your SO isn't going to be anywhere around? Should I ask her if she's planning on seeing him and see what she says? absolutely, confront her with the information she is obviously trying to keep from you. Then you will get her blah blah blah about how its innocent and harmless....OR she'll get defensive and try to make it out like you were invading her privacy. Either way, I'd get the engagement ring back and tell her you aren't going to marry someone that likes to meet up with old lovers behind your back.
Author MassPathy Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 So, to update: I confronted her about planning to see him without telling her I saw the e-mail. She said on her honor no that she had no plan and had not been in contact... I told her as she had been secretive about him a couple of times previously... 2 yrs ago she had me look at her email for something and I spotted a couple of emails from this guy... she jumped up, don't look at that... anyway I said how could I be sure when this has been this way in the past. Still she says I wrong about her seeing him. Here's my thoughts on a plan: I am driving her to the airport on the 15th very early. Right before I leave her I am going to say I know she was untruthful because i stumbled across his reply email when she left it up one to to go the bathroom. She had the opportunity to come clean earlier... I had said I'd rather be hurt by the truth than by deceit.... and since she did not do so, that the relationship is in her hands now: if she choses to see him and I find out... 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years later, I am gone... or she can tell me she will not see him, but of course I might not ever really know if she gets more secretive. I think I'll be able to tell, may be not, but I think at some point it will come out. Thoughts and advice? Other direction? Thanks.
2sure Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 She lied to you. She betrayed you. She is planning on seeing him behind your back and when asked outright ...she lied some more. Take her to the airport. Tell her you know she is a liar. Tell her you didnt expect her to have the ability to do so right to your face. And tell her goodbye. Walk away. If you must, let her come to you upon her return and prove that she has the ability to be truthful. But dont hold your breath.
2sunny Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 So, to update: I confronted her about planning to see him without telling her I saw the e-mail. She said on her honor no that she had no plan and had not been in contact... I told her as she had been secretive about him a couple of times previously... 2 yrs ago she had me look at her email for something and I spotted a couple of emails from this guy... she jumped up, don't look at that... anyway I said how could I be sure when this has been this way in the past. Still she says I wrong about her seeing him. Here's my thoughts on a plan: I am driving her to the airport on the 15th very early. Right before I leave her I am going to say I know she was untruthful because i stumbled across his reply email when she left it up one to to go the bathroom. She had the opportunity to come clean earlier... I had said I'd rather be hurt by the truth than by deceit.... and since she did not do so, that the relationship is in her hands now: if she choses to see him and I find out... 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years later, I am gone... or she can tell me she will not see him, but of course I might not ever really know if she gets more secretive. I think I'll be able to tell, may be not, but I think at some point it will come out. Thoughts and advice? Other direction? Thanks. She lied to you. She betrayed you. She is planning on seeing him behind your back and when asked outright ...she lied some more. Take her to the airport. Tell her you know she is a liar. Tell her you didnt expect her to have the ability to do so right to your face. And tell her goodbye. Walk away. If you must, let her come to you upon her return and prove that she has the ability to be truthful. But dont hold your breath. so - she's given you evidence that she will lie. and you want to leave the decision to stay with her - in HER hands? just tell her adios! and tell her now. there's no reason to delay - or to do her a favor by giving her a ride to an airport so she can fly off to betray you again. she lied. she will lie again. if she unwilling to tell you the truth when she had the opportunity - what makes you think she'd tell the truth when she has MORE to hide from you? a liar and cheat isn't worth wasting my time - not even one more days worth of wasted time and energy. tell her you know she lied to you - tell her today... tell her no more - YOU are finished... and YOU deserve better than that.
Iconoclast Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Well she intends on going and intends on seeing him. Might as well make the trip as miserable for her as it will be for you. Is it possible to get a printout of that email? I'd write "goodbye" on the bottom of the text, fold it into thirds, write "I know" on the outside. I'd put in an envelope, greeting card type would be the best. Tell her to open it after she gets on the plane. The complete freak-out happens and she has plenty of alone time to think about it. Turn your phone to direct to voice-mail for a couple days, and just wait for the fireworks. She'll probably not be in any condition to meet up with an old flame. Kind of a mini vengeance plan. Problem with any plan, is there will always be nagging doubt's. But if you still love her and want to be with her, knowing what you know, can you still marry her? That's the key. This is not up to her, it's up to you, you have the power now.
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