LongLostSoul Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Hi guys... I have not been around here on this forum for several months and pretty much everything has been going well. For a quick update on what used to be going on http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t214854/ (December 2009) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t218050/ (January 2010) Anyway me and her are just friends now however... We see very little of each other as she has changed teams and is now no longer my working buddy nor my teamleader. I am wondering if thats what did it. Our shifts collide so we dont meet up as often as we did. Sometimes we go for lunch but seem to be able to only talk about work. Somehow more personal subjects are off the table. She has closed off from me, I feel. It is strange these days. My gf and I are doing brilliantly and are due to get married in 10 weeks. The relationship is fantastic and we are having a lovely time these days. I love her more than anything. But my friend (MOW) doesn't want to talk to me about my wedding. Whenever I mention it, she just doesn't answer back. She will never mention it first. However she has commented once or twice on stuff I put on facebook. She has seen my dress etc and I show her all the pictures but she hardly ever mentions anything. She has mentioned before she believes I am marrying the wrong person. Lately I can't seem to get anything out of her. When we went out for lunch we talked about work but sat in silence a lot, sometimes simply looking at each other. Then - at the same time- she wants to go to the movies with me again. She is always offline on facebook so we can't chat but she texts me back whenever I text her AND she text to confirm something I already knew because she had told me. It felt like a pointless text. She is not on msn. When we do see each other at work she barely talks to me. It was her team today at work and I came back in to do paperwork (also hoping to perhaps talk) and she ignored me completly. I am coming to the point of wanting to know what I have done but am afraid to ask. There is this nagging feeling she is not approving of my marriage - but for whatever reason?! There was a work do last Friday and she was already there when I arrived. Normally she would come talk and whatever but even when she went inside to get drinks she did not talk to me and acted as if I wasnt really there. Later on that night I ended up in her company and two other friends anyway and we shared a cocktail but still it was not like before. I dont want to think about it. I don't want to question myself about her intentions or why she is ignoring me. I just want my friend back.
jthorne Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Apparently, you do not realize how disrespectful it is to your fiancée for you to continue to pursue any kind of relationship with this MOW- even a platonic one.
Author LongLostSoul Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 Ohkay... that is perhaps slightly harsh but that is indeed one way of putting it but I do indeed not see it that way. <y fiancee if everything to me and we just did the paperwork for our marriage today. I have no interest in being with this MOW in whatever sexual or relationship way. I don't want any of the silly behaviours we had or whatever. I just want the friend I once had.
jthorne Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 (edited) Sorry. Not gonna happen. Too much water under the bridge. Further, you have nothing to offer the MOW anymore. Once you've slept together, you can't just go back to "friends". A line has been crossed that can't be uncrossed. This is the price "friends" pay when they choose to share intimacy one another. Yes, she's married, but she wants something from you that you can no longer provide. If your fiancée had a tryst with a married man, would you want her working to maintain a friendship with him? Edited July 7, 2010 by jthorne
Author LongLostSoul Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 Nothing ever physically happened between us though I did at some stage believe perhaps she did feel for me whatever I felt for her. We flirted byt physically and sexually nothing happened. However, with some restraint from myself I have managed to move away from what I once felt for her. *sigh* Nothing ever comes easy....
whichwayisup Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 You are way too emotionally attached to this MOW. Don't make her such a priority!!! Put your fiance first. Let me ask you, do you discuss any of this with your future wife? The MOW, how she is ignoring and acting weird, thinks you're marrying the wrong woman? If no, then what you have is self serving selfish friendship that is NOT good for your relationship. Do you feel sad and out of sorts if you don't see or talk to the MOW? one week, two weeks, do you feel like she's on your mind and you're worried? Please don't get defensive, we're all just trying to get you to see that by putting all this effort into a friendship that isn't based on mutual respect and trust, totally platonic and wanting what's best for the other person, is going to mess you up. You two cannot be just friends! Think of her as like an ex. Too much has happened, a connection, emotional, physical.. that so called friendship you had once is gone because you two crossed the lines by cheating. Sorry to say this, but you need to hear it. To run after and try to keep the MOW close to you while you're about to get married is not cool and it's cruel to do to your (soon to be) wife. Imagine HER doing this to you? I bet it would hurt, even though she had no intention of leaving, yet she had someone on the side to meet her needs, emotionally and had a special connection with them.
Author LongLostSoul Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 Your words ring true in my ears, Whichwayisup. I have told my fiancee I miss my friend and that I am wondering what I have done wrong. I have not told her MOW thinks I am marrying the wrong woman. I had hoped that I could create a chance and ask her if she still feels this way. Maybe I just shouldn't... I am now not due to see her until Tuesday (when I come on shift after her) and then we work together all day Thursday as someone needed a shift changing... And I am dreading it. Both days but mainly Thursday. Because when she turned up at work when it was my shift on Monday I felt myself jump and actually ran out of the building. I really wanna try and go NC (apart from running into each other at work occassionally) and see how it goes and how long it lasts. Whenever I have done this before, she came to me - asking if I was ignoring her. She's bloody coming to my wedding party and all (all my colleagues are) and she has signed herself up for my batchelorette evening - a meal and drinks with just all friends and family. Yes. That is what I will do. Go NC apart from forced contact at work and see how it goes.
jthorne Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Nothing ever physically happened between us though I did at some stage believe perhaps she did feel for me whatever I felt for her. We flirted but physically and sexually nothing happened. However, with some restraint from myself I have managed to move away from what I once felt for her. *sigh* Nothing ever comes easy....Ok, fine, but surely you can agree that the relationship was inappropriate, ie, not something you could have conducted right in front of her husband. Once you have crossed that line, you cannot go back. And you must really ask yourself why you really want to go back? What are you getting from her? If your fiancée had a tryst with a married man, would you want her working to maintain a friendship with him?You didn't answer my question. If your soon to be wife had the kind of relationship with a MM that you had with MOW, would you want her pursuing a friendship?
jthorne Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 (edited) Your words ring true in my ears, Whichwayisup. I have told my fiancée I miss my friend and that I am wondering what I have done wrong. I have not told her MOW thinks I am marrying the wrong woman. I had hoped that I could create a chance and ask her if she still feels this way. Maybe I just shouldn't...Have you told your fiancée that your relationship with MOW was more than friends? What you're not understanding here is that you can't have it both ways. So I'm going to stand by my original post that it's disrespectful to your fiancée to have a relationship with this woman, and leave it at that. It's up to you to figure out why, Edited July 7, 2010 by jthorne
4everloveu Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Your words ring true in my ears, Whichwayisup. I have told my fiancee I miss my friend and that I am wondering what I have done wrong. I have not told her MOW thinks I am marrying the wrong woman. I had hoped that I could create a chance and ask her if she still feels this way. Maybe I just shouldn't... I am now not due to see her until Tuesday (when I come on shift after her) and then we work together all day Thursday as someone needed a shift changing... And I am dreading it. Both days but mainly Thursday. Because when she turned up at work when it was my shift on Monday I felt myself jump and actually ran out of the building. I really wanna try and go NC (apart from running into each other at work occassionally) and see how it goes and how long it lasts. Whenever I have done this before, she came to me - asking if I was ignoring her. She's bloody coming to my wedding party and all (all my colleagues are) and she has signed herself up for my batchelorette evening - a meal and drinks with just all friends and family. Yes. That is what I will do. Go NC apart from forced contact at work and see how it goes. Did you told her which friend? you mean MOW. You should go fully NC with your MOW who you called friend. Sorry, but there no friend when you already cross the line. Please save yourself & your fiancee some headache and heartache. Walk away from this MOW.
Author LongLostSoul Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 Ok, fine, but surely you can agree that the relationship was inappropriate, ie, not something you could have conducted right in front of her husband. Once you have crossed that line, you cannot go back. And you must really ask yourself why you really want to go back? What are you getting from her? You didn't answer my question. If your soon to be wife had the kind of relationship with a MM that you had with MOW, would you want her pursuing a friendship? Sorry. No I do not think I would be happy and I know that. I don't think I could face it to be honest. And I know what my gf is like. She would mentally never cope if she knew. And perhaps that is selfish of me and I will take that responsibility to carry myself. And no I dont think I want her to pursue a friendship. And that is me being purely honest and purely selfish at the same time.
Author LongLostSoul Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 Did you told her which friend? you mean MOW. You should go fully NC with your MOW who you called friend. Sorry, but there no friend when you already cross the line. Please save yourself & your fiancee some headache and heartache. Walk away from this MOW. My gf knows this MOW though they have never really met - just once or twice in passing. But she knows her very well from my stories because I have always told my gf whenever me and my friend (MOW) went out shopping, for coffee, cinema, drinking etc etc... I never made a secret I went out with her. And because of that my gf probably never quite expected that emotionally it seemed to have gone much further than that. She even accepted me staying up talking to MOW, or talking to her as soon as I got home from work after spending 12 hours together at work.. I cannot go full NC as we work together in a very small place and are occasionally still working together on the floor though not as much we used to because she has changed teams. We mainly see each other in shift changes or work do's. She is coming to my wedding and my hen do party thing. But I am not texting her. Nor am I emaling her or leaving messages on facebook. And I am trying not to think how long it will be before she comes back to ask why I am not texting. I will just have to close myself off. I have made a playlist on my Ipod with just angry tunes to make me feel better.
norajane Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 I have made a playlist on my Ipod with just angry tunes to make me feel better. Why in the world are you angry? A friendship borne through and based on mutual attraction isn't going to last and isn't possible to be maintained when the mutual attraction isn't fueled, such as if one of you gets married, loses interest, isn't willing to cheat on their spouse, etc. It's not her fault she can't handle you getting married. And it's not your fault that she's already married and that you're getting married. It IS your fault for allowing this attraction-based relationship to go so far. And it's not fair to your gf, either. So, if you're going to be angry, be angry at yourself for making the choices and taking the steps that got you here.
whichwayisup Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Your words ring true in my ears, Whichwayisup. I have told my fiancee I miss my friend and that I am wondering what I have done wrong. I have not told her MOW thinks I am marrying the wrong woman. I had hoped that I could create a chance and ask her if she still feels this way. Maybe I just shouldn't... Yet you've left out a huge chunk of information.... And no, do NOT have that conversation with the MOW. You shouldn't and you know this! It's wrong and I really don't understand why you want this woman in your life when you're about to get married and take the chance of screwing up your life and hurting someone you supposedly love...(NOT MOW, I'm talking your girlfriend.) I am now not due to see her until Tuesday (when I come on shift after her) and then we work together all day Thursday as someone needed a shift changing... And I am dreading it. Both days but mainly Thursday. Because when she turned up at work when it was my shift on Monday I felt myself jump and actually ran out of the building. This woman is on your mind waaaaayyyy toooooooooo much. Friends don't think of other friends like you are thinking of her. She's not a friend, nor are you hers. Bottomline is, you two had an affair, touched, fooled around, kissed, whatever happened along with the emotional stuff. You two have played the cat and mouse game (backing off, then one of you chases) and it's going NOWHERE. So, ask yourself, "what is the point" of it all? Why bother going down this road? What good could come of this? Think outside the box, not just about your own needs. Make sense? I really wanna try and go NC (apart from running into each other at work occassionally) and see how it goes and how long it lasts. Whenever I have done this before, she came to me - asking if I was ignoring her. She's bloody coming to my wedding party and all (all my colleagues are) and she has signed herself up for my batchelorette evening - a meal and drinks with just all friends and family. Then you'll just have to deal with it and hope noone picks up on the energy between you two. Part of the consquence here. Yes. That is what I will do. Go NC apart from forced contact at work and see how it goes. Yes. good idea. Maybe look for another job so you won't have to see her at all. I'm sure if your gf knew the truth, she would ask and want you to quit your job and find another one. Sorry. No I do not think I would be happy and I know that. I don't think I could face it to be honest. And I know what my gf is like. She would mentally never cope if she knew. And perhaps that is selfish of me and I will take that responsibility to carry myself. And no I dont think I want her to pursue a friendship. And that is me being purely honest and purely selfish at the same time. It's good you're being honest and can admit that it's selfish of you to be doing this. Just know that you DO have the power to change this around. You can say NO and totally walk away from this MOW. If you truly want to, that is.......... Honestly, my advice to you is, put your wedding on hold. You're not ready to commit to one person, be completely open and honest, make that person your number one. Whatever it is between you and the MOW WILL interfer in your life, your marriage, your relationship. Deep down I think you know this but (sorry) are too selfish to really end it, mean it and walk away. My gf knows this MOW though they have never really met - just once or twice in passing. But she knows her very well from my stories because I have always told my gf whenever me and my friend (MOW) went out shopping, for coffee, cinema, drinking etc etc... I never made a secret I went out with her. And because of that my gf probably never quite expected that emotionally it seemed to have gone much further than that. She even accepted me staying up talking to MOW, or talking to her as soon as I got home from work after spending 12 hours together at work.. Yet she has NO clue of the 'real' truth. Your girlfriend TRUSTS you, and you're betraying her faith and trust in you by letting her believe that you're just hanging with a buddy. She has NO idea that you're lusting, wanting and are emotionally involved with MOW. You are knowingly lying and deceiving your future wife daily. How fair is that?
whichwayisup Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Why in the world are you angry? A friendship borne through and based on mutual attraction isn't going to last and isn't possible to be maintained when the mutual attraction isn't fueled, such as if one of you gets married, loses interest, isn't willing to cheat on their spouse, etc. It's not her fault she can't handle you getting married. And it's not your fault that she's already married and that you're getting married. It IS your fault for allowing this attraction-based relationship to go so far. And it's not fair to your gf, either. So, if you're going to be angry, be angry at yourself for making the choices and taking the steps that got you here. Read this 10 times! Great post NJ.
her_halo_slipped Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 I just want my friend back. Sadly LLS.....I don't think you will get your friend back. At least not in the way you want her. She has set the tone of your friendship now and it clear that she does not want anything more than she is offering. Don't even bother to understand the why's of this.You would be wasting your time and energy. Her message is clear even if the reason for it is not. Respect her intention. Accept that it is what it is and move forward with your Gf. ((((hugs))))
her_halo_slipped Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Your words ring true in my ears, Whichwayisup. I have told my fiancee I miss my friend and that I am wondering what I have done wrong. I have not told her MOW thinks I am marrying the wrong woman. I had hoped that I could create a chance and ask her if she still feels this way. Maybe I just shouldn't... I am now not due to see her until Tuesday (when I come on shift after her) and then we work together all day Thursday as someone needed a shift changing... And I am dreading it. Both days but mainly Thursday. Because when she turned up at work when it was my shift on Monday I felt myself jump and actually ran out of the building. I really wanna try and go NC (apart from running into each other at work occassionally) and see how it goes and how long it lasts. Whenever I have done this before, she came to me - asking if I was ignoring her. She's bloody coming to my wedding party and all (all my colleagues are) and she has signed herself up for my batchelorette evening - a meal and drinks with just all friends and family. Yes. That is what I will do. Go NC apart from forced contact at work and see how it goes. Why is it so important for you to continue to be friends with her? It seems you have developed an unhealthy emotional attachment to this MOW. Are you sure you are marrying your fiance for the right reasons?
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