Tough day thinking about my ex

[AlwaysConflicted]

Today has been hard for me. The thought of being alone frightens me.

 

I'm still not even sure why my ex broke up with me, but I could feel it coming. We were arguing a lot. The final straw was when I bailed on a day trip we had planned. I even said it aloud to my dog "She's gonna breakup with us". And yet I still didn't go on the trip. It was a trip she didn't even want to go on. Arg! I should have just went. But a woman who loves you doesn't just breakup with you for not going on a day trip, right?

 

Of course not, that's not rational. Emotions aren't rational. That day ended my relationship. I knew it would and yet I did nothing to stop it. I guess it felt inevitable. And now I feel guilty for causing so much pain in my own life. If I had went, we might still be together and I would not be typing this sentence on loveshack.

 

It's strange how dependant I seem to be when I'm in a relationship. Not in a needy or clingy way, but I just get used to having a companion around to share life. I have an impossible time handling the rejection. It seems like a running theme that girls breakup with me because I'm moody or have a slight temper. I honestly don't think I'm that bad, but even if I am, I still hurt.

 

It's such a shame. I actually loved her, but I messed up. I wasn't good enough for her. I didn't prove that I was worthy. Life threw us a few curve balls and we reacted poorly to them. One minute we were in love and the next she wanted nothing to do with me.

 

The day before our breakup we were telling each other how much we loved each other. In fact, we spoke on the phone for 3 hours. It was a great conversation and we connected so well. Then I bail on the day trip and it's " I no longer have feelings for you".

 

I swear I thought she was a sociopath for the last few weeks. We dated for 5 months, but it was intense. We're both 30 so we would chat about marriage and kids often. Maybe we rushed it all too much. I always felt like she had a checklist for "the perfect guy" and if I did something correct, I'd get a check and if not I would fail.

 

I'm not even sure how to learn or grow from this situation. I suppose I can work on being less moody. I was moody because I lost my job, got audited by the IRS and had a major health scare. All at once. I just needed her to comfort me, but her strong confident man was crumbling under the pressure of life's stresses.

 

We've been broken up for almost 8 weeks now and yet some of it still feels so fresh. Today was a bad day for me.

 

I'm trying to prepare myself for the possibility of being alone for quite a while. It seems to be a difficult road ahead and I expect adversity.

 

I'll try to stay positive, but women like my ex scare me. How can you turn off love in a day? Or perhaps when she said she loved me, what she really meant was "I like you, but I'm still unsure".

 

It's a scary world out there and clearly at age 30 I'm still unprepared.

[Username37]

Same here dude. It's been 8 weeks since my break

 

Before my ex and I broke up, we exchanged text messages with each other and some were just the sweetest things I've ever read. Stuff life "when we hug and cuddle, we fit perfectly" and "you're my perfect half" and stuff like that.

 

A week later, she dumps me. I also thought "Wow, how can she shut off love in a day?"

 

I'm on NC right now and I still think about her like mad. Sadly, I don't think she's thinking about me (too busy screwing around with some guy). Every morning, she's the person I think about and she's always finds her way into my dreams.

 

Right now, I'm just bettering myself and you should too. Get a haircut, go to the gym, hang out with friends, go on vacation.

 

We're going to be just fine bro

[smk]

I know exactly where you are coming from.

 

For me it was a week after I had moved in with her (her idea). Woke up sunday morning we had a great morning, stayed in bed all morning fooling around, got up decided to go out to the park and enjoy the weather. All of a sudden she gets really distant, went to a little cafe in the park where we had our first kiss and she was really distant. I figured something was wrong but put it down to the fact that maybe she was upset cos her mum had gone back to portugal after a 3 month holiday.

 

Get back home that evening and again she was quite distant - she phoned up her folks to check in on her mum, they were talking in portuguese which I dont speak so couldnt really understand what was going on - once we went up to bed she warmed up a little, telling me how much she loved me, and finally fell asleep right there on my chest. Monday morning I wake up go to work - she phones me up that evening saying she is stressed and is going out to be on her own because she just wants to be left alone. Comes home and drops the bombshell, that her dad does not approve of her dating someone who is not the same skin colour as her - wow I never expected that, however she said that she would still continue with the relationship and hopefully her dad would come around, and from there my friend it was all downhill. No more I love you, her not coming home each evening because she needs to be alone, 2 days later I am sleeping in the spare room, and another 3 days later I move back out.

 

I tried to maintain NC but its a little difficult because she works for a company that I co-own (however I am rarely there). She initiated contact, I naturally answered thinking she had changed her mind - I kept on answering for the next few days and it has not helped. Her parents have now come here from portugal to sort out her life for her and have a chat with her about how she needs to stop doing silly things like fall in love with someone out of her religion. The irony behind all of this is that she always insisted that because my family are indian they would never accept her. (my family are probably the most liberal indians I know off - we even love a good steak (and thats a big no for indians)).LOL...

 

anyways she phones up on sunday to tell me that she explained to her dad how much she cared etc... and he refused to accept it and still stood with his ultimatum, and she could not bear to live her life without them. I know its a tough choice and fair enough she made the choice. The only thing that really bothered me is how she switched off completely...(PS I have another thread on this)...

 

But yeah the last few days have been an absolute nightmare for me - I cried on my way to work this morning, on a crowded london train during peak hour. I am in a constant low, extremely irritable - the smallest of things sets me off. Its been a tough few days for me - all i seem to think about is her - everywhere I look I see her...

[Circular]

A little tough love for you AC

 

Of course not, that's not rational. Emotions aren't rational. That day ended my relationship. I knew it would and yet I did nothing to stop it. I guess it felt inevitable. And now I feel guilty for causing so much pain in my own life. If I had went, we might still be together and I would not be typing this sentence on loveshack.

 

You'd still be here, but you'd probably not have an incident to blame it on. She was thinking about this a long time before she pulled the plug but was also trying to protect your feelings while she thought it through. The trip was just a good excuse. The key was her friends prior to the trip, that was the red flag - quit blaming yourself as you make it sound like she did nothing wrong at all, except eviscerate you emotionally with one fowl swoop of a dagger.

 

It's strange how dependant I seem to be when I'm in a relationship. Not in a needy or clingy way, but I just get used to having a companion around to share life. I have an impossible time handling the rejection. It seems like a running theme that girls breakup with me because I'm moody or have a slight temper. I honestly don't think I'm that bad, but even if I am, I still hurt.

 

It's such a shame. I actually loved her, but I messed up. I wasn't good enough for her. I didn't prove that I was worthy. Life threw us a few curve balls and we reacted poorly to them. One minute we were in love and the next she wanted nothing to do with me.

 

You really need to look inside yourself and work on your self acceptance. what your saying above is your projection on how you feel about yourself in an outwardly fashion. What you said above is - "I have a temper, Im moody and Im needy (though you try to deny it, it's countered by) I have low self worth because I'm not good enough for her". When you say "I'm not worthy" your saying you have zero value, your self esteem is at zero, this means you were looking for her to validate you for that worth (neediness) - people pick up on this through how you present and talk about yourself and your life. I want you to really think about this - because you seem like a bright, self reflecting and motivated individual - yet for some reason you don't believe in yourself.

 

 

The day before our breakup we were telling each other how much we loved each other. In fact, we spoke on the phone for 3 hours. It was a great conversation and we connected so well. Then I bail on the day trip and it's " I no longer have feelings for you".

 

I swear I thought she was a sociopath for the last few weeks. We dated for 5 months, but it was intense. We're both 30 so we would chat about marriage and kids often. Maybe we rushed it all too much. I always felt like she had a checklist for "the perfect guy" and if I did something correct, I'd get a check and if not I would fail.

 

She was going through the motions. It sucks, but is a common practice of dumpers. I'd also look into how much time you spent together. Did you both lose each others individuality in the relationship?? Became to meshed?? Maybe she felt suffocated, like she gave up too much too quickly and saw her freedom vanish.

 

I'm not even sure how to learn or grow from this situation. I suppose I can work on being less moody. I was moody because I lost my job, got audited by the IRS and had a major health scare. All at once. I just needed her to comfort me, but her strong confident man was crumbling under the pressure of life's stresses.

 

Read this 100 times until it really sinks in. Get involved in some good social hobbies, learn to live your life as an individual where the relationship is an addition to an already rewarding life. We all make mistakes and do bad things in relationships, it's on us though to fix what is wrong within ourselves so we don't repeat our mistakes.

 

We've been broken up for almost 8 weeks now and yet some of it still feels so fresh. Today was a bad day for me.

 

I'm trying to prepare myself for the possibility of being alone for quite a while. It seems to be a difficult road ahead and I expect adversity.

 

I'll try to stay positive, but women like my ex scare me. How can you turn off love in a day? Or perhaps when she said she loved me, what she really meant was "I like you, but I'm still unsure".

 

It's a scary world out there and clearly at age 30 I'm still unprepared.

 

Nobody can turn off their emotions in a day. I bet if you sat and thought about it long and hard you'd see that she was communicating the break up through her ACTIONS. Always remember that actions speak louder than words. She probably was pre-occupied, not getting back to you as quickly. Talking less about personal stuff and the future, being shorter In Her responses, etc....

 

Her "I love you" I'm sure was sincere, but she probably didn't mean it as romantic love, more like as a human being she shared a portion of her life with.

 

Anyway, life is a journey and a long road. It might seem like terminal loneliness right now but as one door shuts another opens, you just need to look away from the door that shut.

[This Hurts]

I'll try to stay positive, but women like my ex scare me. How can you turn off love in a day?

 

A-f*cking-men!

 

Maybe your ex has Bipolar disorder, my ex does -____-

[AlwaysConflicted]

I always appreciate your advice, Circular. You seem to have a solid grasp on relationships or perhaps people like me.

 

I know that the day trip was the perfect excuse for her to call it quits. It just sucks that it was carried out because of my decision. You're right, I'm sure she had been thinking about it for a while.

 

My self esteem is at zero right now. And it was extremely low after I lost my job, got audited and dealt with a health scare. I felt down in the dumps. She was the only good thing going for me and then she left. It destroyed me. A womans rejection seems to send my world into complete misery. This happened once before with another woman I loved years ago. Except that relationship was 5 years...I was suicidal for a long time. I have a hard to time with unrequited love...something that I now realize to be a problem.

 

Thanks for the compliments. I am all of those things and I generally do pretty well in life, but I get stuck in my own head. I analyze until I get paralyzed.

 

I do recall her saying something about not wanting a boyfriend during the breakup call. I also remember her sister giving her a hard time about not living her life anymore. Basically her sister was saying that she spent too much time with me and not enough on her.

 

Hmm, but I don't recall her pulling away too much. Maybe too much time has passed for me to remember correctly. Or maybe she was just being "nice". The action to hang out with her friends instead of going on the weekend trip with me was a huge red flag. I'm telling you, I felt this breakup coming. I knew and I even said it aloud. I knew by not attending this trip, she would carry out the deed. The question is...why didn't I do anything about it?

 

Sure I gave reasons like: I was hurt because she wouldnt spend the weekend with me, or that she didn't even want to go on the trip, or that her grandfather would have preffered to see his granddaughters instead of a random boyfriend. But I think all of those reasons that I said are BS. I think I wanted this breakup to happen. So why am I so devestated now? Maybe regret? Maybe not knowing what I was really asking for? It's a puzzel I can't seem to figure out.

 

Hell, when she was breaking up with me on the phone I actually said, "I can't take this verbal abuse, if you breaking up with me, just do it. I won't be abused like this." 1 day passed and good ol AC was crying his eyes out begging to get her back. I must have some big issues to work out.

 

I'm going to start sailing again and restart my capoeira training. I thought I was getting better, but then she creeps into my mind like a virus. Spreading her positive memories throughout my brain.

 

I love that girl and yet somehow I know she was not the right person for me. I still love her though.

 

I appreciate your advice. I appreciate everyones advice. Today was a bad day for me. This girl has cast a spell on me and it won't wear off.

 

I do need to walk away from this door. I'm going to reread your post tomorrow. Feel free to post more. I rather enjoy reading your insight.

[Circular]

I always appreciate your advice, Circular. You seem to have a solid grasp on relationships or perhaps people like me.

 

I know that the day trip was the perfect excuse for her to call it quits. It just sucks that it was carried out because of my decision. You're right, I'm sure she had been thinking about it for a while.

 

My self esteem is at zero right now. And it was extremely low after I lost my job, got audited and dealt with a health scare. I felt down in the dumps. She was the only good thing going for me and then she left. It destroyed me. A womans rejection seems to send my world into complete misery. This happened once before with another woman I loved years ago. Except that relationship was 5 years...I was suicidal for a long time. I have a hard to time with unrequited love...something that I now realize to be a problem.

 

Right, I get that, you've taken quite a few blows and you feel pretty knocked down by it all. it sucks, I've been there. The bottom of the barrel is, well, the bottom of the barrel. Thing is there's a very common theme in your threads I've picked up on and it's that I keep getting this picture that when you're in a relationship it's all about the relationship. Instead of it being an augmentation to an already exciting life of hobbies, friends, etc... it becomes the center point of your life.

 

See, I see this on these boards a lot, and it can be catastrophic to a relationship. People romanticize that a relationship is two people coming together and spending every moment of their time together, this is worsened by the fact that there is text messaging, IM, email, and 3 hour phone calls. What happens is people quickly become meshed together, like they are one person and they lose their sense of individual identity. Suddenly one partner or the other gets smacked with that reality and wonders 'what happened to all those other things I liked to do' only to realize they've compromised them away to suit the relationship. Suddenly who they really are doesn't fit the mold of the relationship any longer and *boom* it's a deadly cocktail that forces one of the partners to rebel against the relationship that has consumed thier identity and their lives. This is actually why NC is so important, when the other partner who hasn't realized this yet panics from the relationship break-up they instantly go into suffocation mode thinking 'maybe we werent close enough' rather than 'maybe we were spending way to much time together'. It's contrarian, but it proves itself over and over again, just read all the threads.

 

A strong relationship should be two people with individual identities that meet on a middle ground of commonalities, similarities, chemistry, etc... they enjoy each others company, become companions, lovers, etc... BUT they don't give up their identities, they include the other person if they're intrested in those things but retain themselves as the individuals they are.

 

It's not to say we shouldn't feel loss when we lose someone that's been so close to us, knows us so well and means so much to us but we should put that in perspective of all the other things we have going in our lives. And, the truth is YOU own your happiness, YOU are accountable for YOU and being happy. The reason you don't feel it was 'her loss' is because you don't feel you have a world of value built around you. You were dependent on the value of her world. (read that a few times until it makes sense)

 

Thanks for the compliments. I am all of those things and I generally do pretty well in life, but I get stuck in my own head. I analyze until I get paralyzed.

 

I do recall her saying something about not wanting a boyfriend during the breakup call. I also remember her sister giving her a hard time about not living her life anymore. Basically her sister was saying that she spent too much time with me and not enough on her.

 

Translation: We were way to meshed together and other people recognized that fact and brought it to her attention (slap) she shockingly realized she had given up friends, hobbies, family and a bunch of other things that equate to "I LOST MY FREEDOM" which results in run away as fast as you can.

 

Hmm, but I don't recall her pulling away too much. Maybe too much time has passed for me to remember correctly. Or maybe she was just being "nice". The action to hang out with her friends instead of going on the weekend trip with me was a huge red flag. I'm telling you, I felt this breakup coming. I knew and I even said it aloud. I knew by not attending this trip, she would carry out the deed. The question is...why didn't I do anything about it?

 

There was only one option you had and for you it was too painful because you knew deep inside that the greater loss was going to be yours. The only thing you could have done is after she did the friend thing say something like "You know, this relationship isnt working for me anymore and I think we should break it off it's the right thing to do to save us both the awkwardness of a slow relationship death".

 

Sure I gave reasons like: I was hurt because she wouldnt spend the weekend with me, or that she didn't even want to go on the trip, or that her grandfather would have preffered to see his granddaughters instead of a random boyfriend. But I think all of those reasons that I said are BS. I think I wanted this breakup to happen. So why am I so devestated now? Maybe regret? Maybe not knowing what I was really asking for? It's a puzzel I can't seem to figure out.

 

For the reasons I stated above and also because your ego has been beaten with a baseball bat. Nobody likes to be the dumpee. You have to separate the two pieces ego vs. loss of relationship. Grive the loss of your relationshp, your ego will bounce back once you start being proactive in your life to make yourself happy; hobbies, helping people, etc...

 

Hell, when she was breaking up with me on the phone I actually said, "I can't take this verbal abuse, if you breaking up with me, just do it. I won't be abused like this." 1 day passed and good ol AC was crying his eyes out begging to get her back. I must have some big issues to work out.

 

Tough love again... dude... man up. Someone will most likely flame me for this, but you're the man in the relationship. Your supposed to be the rock, you represent safety, security, the guy that will catch the rat in the kitchen and dispose of it properly. Your supposed to be the master of your emotions, have control over them. You should never let her see you flinch. I'm not saying you shouldn't have emotions when the time comes for it BUT when SHE is breaking up with YOU thats a CONFLICT you treat it like you're entering a war zone - strong, courageous without wavering. Cry alone if you have to, but never on the battlefield. If you're having a tough time, go out with your buds and have drinks and hang out.

 

This is why NC is so important its not only the right thing to do its a test of your own emotional control and meddle. Whenever you're in a conflict WHOEVER gets emotional first LOSSES the battle. Once you started with the emotional piece, the letter you thought you might send and then showing up at her house - she won, it was over, you just reinforced the main reason why she thought she had to get out of the relationship to begin with.

 

I'm going to start sailing again and restart my capoeira training. I thought I was getting better, but then she creeps into my mind like a virus. Spreading her positive memories throughout my brain.

 

I love that girl and yet somehow I know she was not the right person for me. I still love her though.

 

Excellent!! Capoeira is a perfect outlet also, good energy and focus. Keep it up, find other things. And above all don't feel like you failed, you lost a battle, but not the war. You are now smarter and more formidable from it and the next woman that comes into your life will really appreciate your experience

[Recovery]

Very well said Circular.

 

What you just said just gave me a different perspective of things and now I understand it. You pretty much explained my situation as well... we were both defined individuals who got together and then meshed into one... giving up hobbies, friends and things we like to do to suit the relationship. As soon as she started to realize her freedom was being taking away by the relationship, she panicked, feelings changed and she left.

 

It's never easy giving up someone you loved so much, someone you would give an arm for. It was over just about 6 days ago after 1.5 years together and I have done NC. Its been a tough few days... so many mood swings, horrible empty feelings (especially in the mornings) and worry. I wish I would've read this earlier when we were still together, things would probably been different. Keep your head up AC, I'm having horrible days like you as well. You're not alone.

[AlwaysConflicted]

I agree with everything you said Circular. Three years ago I was doing a handful of activities including: Kung Fu, Capoeira, Kick Boxing, Sailing, Tai Chi, Cooking classes, etc. Then I got a dog and that sort of sapped most of my free time. Don't get me wrong, having a dog is great, but its a big responsibility for a single guy who works a lot. Anyways, I'm learning to balance my time more efficiently. I now realize that I need to find my own happiness once again.

 

I was going after the American dream of having a big job, a house, a wife, kids, and a dog. Before I was laid off I was making good money, looking to buy a house, had the dog, got a girlfriend. It was all coming together. In one fell swoop I lost most of it. I need to work on the way I handle bad situations. Life is all about perspective and attitude.

 

I want you to know that your replies to my posts mean a lot. I reread them quite frequently because your insight is genius. You read me well.

 

Regardless, I walk away from this knowing that I need to work on me. I need to find my own happiness. When the time is right, maybe I'll meet a nice girl who will share her life without having to compromise our identities.

 

I still miss my ex, but I think that's okay. Despite what friends think, I actually did love her. She was the most difficult girl I've ever dated, but truthfully I found her obessive nature endearing after a while. Maybe we'll reconnect some time down the road. It doesn't matter because I need to take care of me right now. I will do my best to be a "man" and own up to my repsonsibilities.

 

Yes, I am at the bottom of the barrel, but I've been here before. I can rebuild again. I must. Thanks for your words.

[AlwaysConflicted]

It's never easy giving up someone you loved so much, someone you would give an arm for. It was over just about 6 days ago after 1.5 years together and I have done NC. Its been a tough few days... so many mood swings, horrible empty feelings (especially in the mornings) and worry. I wish I would've read this earlier when we were still together, things would probably been different. Keep your head up AC, I'm having horrible days like you as well. You're not alone.

 

It really isn't easy at all. In fact, for me it seems to crash my entire world. I think I depend on women too much for my happiness. Although, I can't say this is a pattern for me. I've dated a lot of girls, but only loved 2 of them. My 1st love which was 10 years ago and this most recent ex who I loved as well. To me it's the worst feeling in the world when you love a women and she doesn't love you back.

 

Don't we all wish we had time machines? I know I'm not alone, but I feel like I am most of the time. I'm unsure if I should just deal with all this emotion for now or if I should start trying to date.

 

The thought of dating makes me cringe. All those terrible awkward dates...I would think that would be enough of a breakup deterrence for my ex, but she thought she could do better than me. I actually tried to sell her on that concept. I said, "We're both attracted to each other and we get along well. You know how hard that is to find?" She didn't care, she was gone. Days before we brokeup her friend got engaged. I wonder if that made her realize that she needed to get rid of me fast so she could find "the one". Makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it.

 

I keep thinking that she'll call me up any day now and say, "I'm so sorry, I want you back. I don't know what I was thinking". But its been about 2 months since the breakup. I like to fix things whether it be a car, a stereo, or a relationship. But I guess a broken relationship is not fixable because it requires the other person to WANT to participate in the fixing.

 

damn...

[Recovery]

Hang in there AC. I'm feeling the exact same. Just wake up everyday and post your thoughts here every time your down if you need to. It helps you get things off your chest. If you're religious, pray to god at night for strength and courage to get through these hard times. Talking it out before you sleep makes you feel better... especially if you believe that someone is listening.