Just don't know it anymore

[Nabuma]

I'm a mess. I feel so lost at the moment.

I'm in university and my year has just ended. It has been a terrible year for me and it's a long story to explain.

 

My boyfriend and I met at our final year of high school. It was at the end ball where we got together. We had a crush on each other for a long time, but were both too shy.

He was going to study abroad and I stayed. For a year it was a longdistance relationship. But I was able to visit him as often as I could. We saw each other maybe twice a month and called every day. We were so much in love, but I missed him too. I couldn't stand to be without him.

And so, I moved to where he was and started studying there. He, however, switched to a university in another town about an hour away. He wasn't happy were he was first and feels more in place now.

 

I wasn't too happy, but in a way it was good because it kept some distance.

But it was tough and my university. I had to work extra hard, more than I'd usually do and still get only average grades, unlike what I am used to. My teachers always told me I was smart enough for it, but I had difficulty adapting to the system. At the same time I had to partially provide my own income. I did have a scholarship, but it was not enough to cover all like food. So I work at a catering service at the side.

I lived in a dormitory with 12 other people. My room was terribly lonesome and I just couldn't make myself feel at home there. So most of the time I lived at his place, a private room just big enough for two but in once big room. In there the only thing that was really mine was a drawer in one of his closets. I did feel more at home there though, but rarely had any privacy.

 

In the meantime we had several unsuccessful attempts to have sex. As it later turned out I had vaginismus, for which I'm starting therapy now.

 

In December one big bomb dropped. My boyfriend has gone out partying with his friends and gotten himself drunk and kissed another girl. I forgave him, because he at least told me the truth but somewhere deep down I still feel a grudge for it.I can say with certainty that after that out relationship went downhill. My trust was crushed and he gradually became more unattractive to me.

We went out very little mostly because he never had enough money. He spend most of it on his CD collection and concerts. I am usually the one paying (either entirely or we split bills) and the one suggesting we should do something.

I can count the gifts I received from him over the course of two years on one hand. If he bought me something it was some candy I didn't want to eat because I was on a diet.

 

Further more his grades were poor. He studies languages, two which are his native. You can say that he was a bit of a loser with no backbone.

We have had many talks after that. On how to fix our relationship. He always knows just the right things to say. He promised me already twice that he'd change. But I never see it. At the most he keeps it up for a week or so.

 

Recently we had a talk again and he promised me again that he'd change and that everything would be better next school year. When we're both in separate places we'd value each others company more. There is some truth in there.

 

I have struggled over so many things during this year. I worked hard for my salary, I worked hard for my grades and passed my year, I worked hard to get the best I could out of my relationship with him.

I feel, that all the efforts put in have only been my initiative. I feel neglected and undervalued. Yes he does tell me he loves me, sometimes too often to my liking. He always tell me how I am his dream woman and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

I do share his dream. I love to picture myself graduated and living with him with children. I know he'd be a great father.

I just don't know how I'll manage through those years in between.

 

Additional I have developed strong feelings for a coworker at the catering company. We don't see each other very often, but when I do I notice I am shining. I smile so often, I'm so cheerful and love talking to him (and everyone else). Always when he's there work has been so pleasant to do.

But he has a girlfriend. I don't know how long they are together. I vaguely remember him telling me when we first met, and before I had feelings for him, that he didn't have anyone.

 

I have summer break now. I have finally found a small apartment where I feel home and where everything is mine (I moved out everything all by myself without a car, because my guy couldn't help me out. He had gone to a rockfestival and didn't have any money left for a train ticket).

My next year will be more easy regarding classes and will put less stress on me.

But there's still the promise my boyfriend made. That next year our relationship will be better. That then my therapy will pay off and we can take it into the next level. That he will get a job and be more independent. That I'd be able to rely on him for more things and not only carrying my groceries etc.

 

But I'm tired of all this. I don't have the feeling he is going to make up what he's been promising. Already him getting a job he makes it sound like a horribly difficult thing.

On top of that I can't picture ever having sex with him. I dislike kissing him and getting kissed by him.

I feel like everything we has died out completely and the only thing that's left are happy memories of our blossoming love of that one night we got together. We live in the past and in the future, but not in the present.

 

On the other hand, I make him sound like such a bad person while he still has great qualities. He is funny, we laugh easily together. He is gentle and patient with me. He has never gotten real angry with me. There are no awkward silences and we can casually talk about anything without having to think of something we should talk about.

But in another way I feel like he has grown to be more a friend or a brother rather than a lover.

 

I don't know whether I want to go on with this. I don't know whether I have already given him enough chances to make it up with me. I don't know whether I've already made enough sacrifices and that it's his turn now.

I don't know if he's worth giving another chance. I don't know if I should. Should I?

 

I'm terribly sorry for this long and chaotic message. But this is pretty much how it goes on in my head. Chaos, confusion, sadness, anger and heartbreak.

 

Please save me before I drown.

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, Nabuma.

It honestly doesn't sound as if this relationship is offering you enough positives for you to thrive and feel inspired within yourself. It's not even so much about him, but about how you are doing your life and what the partnership is contributing to how well you can meet your own needs and achieve your own goals.

 

You could write down a few lists: What are you getting out of it? (What are your benefits and rewards?) What are you giving up to stay in it? (What are your sacrifices?)

Do YOU think-feel that things are more-or-less balanced, in the giving and the receiving?

What is the REALISTIC potential for 'bigger and better'; for growth; for more happiness; for a closer bond?

 

I would encourage you to focus on your own needs, wants, perceptions and feelings. It's less about who he is and how he is doing his life, and more about what you want and need to do your own life the way you want to do it...and how well this relationship is supporting you/your ability to do that.

 

It's quite possible that, after your realistic assessment, you will conclude that the relationship has run its course for you. That will, of course, be sad...but you might also find some relief once you make your decision. Sounds like it as all been a bit too stressful and too much of a struggle.

 

Hugs, and very best of luck.