seaberry Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 My boyfriend and I have a recurring conflict about the dog – which is in some ways about the dog but also about other issues. For background, we have been dating almost five years, and although we do not “officially” live together I spend most nights at his house. He got a dog about a year ago, mostly because he started working from home and would be available to train a puppy. We agreed that the dog would be mainly his dog, with me helping/assisting. The dog (who is adorable and who I love very much) spends most of his time with my boyfriend because I am away from the house 10 hours on average during the work day. My boyfriend buys the dogs food, takes him to the vet etc... Now the issue - this summer my best friend is getting married and I am planning her bachelorette party at a cabin about 5 hours from where we live – we are going Friday-Sunday. I told my boyfriend a few months ago that I would be out of town these dates and he said ok. I rented the cabin in my name, and I am the primary driver/organizer for the bachelorette party. Recently my boyfriend got an invite to go out of town the same days – also to a cabin about 5 hours away. He arranged for the dog to be boarded for two nights and asked if I could make sure be home by 4pm on Sunday to pick the dog up – he does not want to have to hurry back from his trip. I told him as the primary organizer and driver of the bachelorette party I am not willing to make the group hurry back – I had already cleared those dates with him months ago. This same conflict has come up multiple times. He thinks we should take equal responsibility for finding care for the dog when we are both gone. My family and a few of my friends have watched the dog when my boyfriend and I are out of town together (as a favor to me) – but they do not offer to watch the dog if my boyfriend and I are not travelling together. He never want to ask any of his friends either. When these conflicts come up regarding care of the dog, my boyfriend implies that how I interact with the dog is a “test” for what kind of parent I will be and states that if we have an issue about who picks up the dog then how will I ever be responsible for children. But …we are not married and the dog is technically his. If we were married and it was OUR dog I would be happy to ask my parents or friends to watch/pick-up the dog. Plus, I made my travel plans first - and my boyfriend barely knows the people that he is going to the cabin with – why can’t he commit to be home to pick up the dog? We went through this all last summer … What is fair here?
Krytie TV Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 First, being a parent sucks, huh? You realize that dogs, like kids, are not just a piece of property that you can leave alone for days as a matter of convenience. Unfortunately, too many people see them as just that, hence the ridiculous amount of animals being put to sleep daily. I really wish I could provide some help, but just understand that you both took this on when you got the dog. Your bf sounds selfish. Sounds like your plans were made first so he should be taking responsibility for finding accomodations for the dog or not go on his sudden trip. Tell him that his willingness to jump town on a whim without concern for the dog tells you a lot about his potential behavior with children... and it's not attractive.
Oliveman Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Seems obvious to me that if you're not married, and don't live together, and it's in fact his dog, it should be on him to alter his plans. Is there anything preventing having the dog boarded one more day? Seems like a decent alternative. Seems like he's being selfish. If he had made pans and had asked you to watch the dog for him and then you backed out to go somewhere else I'd understand his being mad, but that's not the case here.
RegardingMe Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 After several years togather your BF, knows if your okay with kids or not. Its about how far will you bend for him. Its about how long can he string you along. When do you past the tests for marriage?
CleverName Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 I agree with all of the above responses and just want to say that even if all of the above were not true, the fact remains that you made your plans way before he did. He's not playing fair; he needs to take care of it. Have fun!
flying Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 (edited) Hi seaberry, I went back and read your other posts, for context. It sounds like this bf has a history of being controlling and thoughtless - the "this tells me how you'll be with kids" thing is a red flag, IMO. He should know perfectly well that in this case it's not an analogous situation, that you agreed on boundaries and that he's changing the rules to suit himself. Putting the kids thing out there as a way to deflect from his own selfishness and make this about your suitability as a partner and parent is controlling, icky behavior. Overall, this guy seems really iffy, based on what you wrote about him before, with the possible cheating, and now this. And two years ago you mentioned that he was talking marriage. Yet you're still not even living together "officially." So what's going on? Edited July 7, 2010 by flying
Crazy Magnet Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 What a guilt trip he's laying on you! He's essentially saying that because you are not willing to change your life to accommodate his schedule you are going to be a bad mother. On what planet does that make sense? It's his dog and boarding it is HIS problem, not yours. I have a dog so when my BF and I travel it's MY responsibility to either a) pay pet deposits so the dog can come which is what I usually do or 2) find a friend who can keep my dog. Tell him to shove it and that your ability to be a mother has nothing to do with how willing you are to accommodate HIM.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 When these conflicts come up regarding care of the dog, my boyfriend implies that how I interact with the dog is a “test” for what kind of parent I will be and states that if we have an issue about who picks up the dog then how will I ever be responsible for children. But …we are not married and the dog is technically his. Five years of dating and no proposal? He seems to be failing miserably as husband material, yet you are being tested as mother material with his dog? :lmao: This guy is quite a piece of work. Let him take care of his dog. If he wants to make a more serious commitment to you, then you can consider making a more serious commitment to his "kid".
vestigalvirgin Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 He arranged for the dog to be boarded for two nights and asked if I could make sure be home by 4pm on Sunday to pick the dog up – he does not want to have to hurry back from his trip. Your answer should be: "Sorry Sweetie but I won't be back until Tuesday [or whenever]. You'll have to call the kennel and let them know they'll need to keep Sparkie for a couple of extra days." End.
Stung Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Well, now you can tell your boyfriend that somebody who has actual kids has read his argument, and deemed him ridiculous. I would go into the reasons why but they're pretty well covered by all the posters above me.
Author seaberry Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 Thanks guys I appreciate the opinions. Your respsonses are what my gut told me....somehow he is always able to talk me into thinking I am the one that is not making any sense. I have posted about this relationship on LoveShack a few years back. Overall things have/had been going well since then - we had set a "move-in" date of Oct 1st, but communication issues are starting to crop up again and now I am not so sure... After the conflict re: dog, now he is refusing to go with my to my friends wedding this weekend...
threebyfate Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Thanks guys I appreciate the opinions. Your respsonses are what my gut told me....somehow he is always able to talk me into thinking I am the one that is not making any sense. I have posted about this relationship on LoveShack a few years back. Overall things have/had been going well since then - we had set a "move-in" date of Oct 1st, but communication issues are starting to crop up again and now I am not so sure... After the conflict re: dog, now he is refusing to go with my to my friends wedding this weekend...Your b/f is a manipulative, selfish arse. I'd ditch him like yesterday's paper.
TaraMaiden Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Make sure you let him know you give a damn, and in fact, are liable to have soooooo much more fun without him.... "Thanks hun - you're doing me a favour. You're always trying to cramp my style, so this is a great opportunity for me to spread my wings a little! This is so cool! Will ya miss me, huh? HUH?? Don't worry, I'll be back eventually!"
Crazy Magnet Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Your b/f is a manipulative, selfish arse. I'd ditch him like yesterday's paper. score! I concur.
Author seaberry Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 Hi Guys- I posted about the wedding thing too. So frustrated. The shame is that in our day to day together we are close and get along very well - I do love him dearly. I hate that communication issues are cropping up again because we had worked so hard on some of these things.
threebyfate Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 These aren't communication issues. He's being manipulative and selfish. Sign of the times to come and get worse, if you stay with him.
Crazy Magnet Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 These aren't communication issues. He's being manipulative and selfish. Sign of the times to come and get worse, if you stay with him. She shoots....she scores again! I suppose you should stay with him if you want to be dictated to for the rest of your life. I mean....why do you need to have any independence or thought of your own? Refusing to go to a friend's wedding...is he 12? There is no way I'd put up with that.
flying Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Hi Guys- I posted about the wedding thing too. So frustrated. The shame is that in our day to day together we are close and get along very well - I do love him dearly. I hate that communication issues are cropping up again because we had worked so hard on some of these things. Yeah, I read the wedding thing...but from what you said over in that thread, this is his usual MO, not a new thing related to the dog situation. You said he refuses to go to any such events with you, and in fact has actually ditched you on the day of a wedding before. That's incredibly crappy and self-absorbed. It's great that he's getting anti-anxiety meds - but honestly, from everything else you've said it really doesn't sound like his anxiety is the underlying issue. He pulls crap that has nothing to do with anxiety, such as this dog thing - and even when something could be chalked up to anxiety, such as not wanting to attend events, he does it in a thoughtless way, or even blames you for it! (to wit, this current stunt of his with this wedding) The underlying issue is that he's full of it, he is still just as selfish as he's always been, and that isn't changing. I know I'm being blunt, but seriously, think about whether this relationship is REALLY working for you.
vestigalvirgin Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 After the conflict re: dog, now he is refusing to go with my to my friends wedding this weekend... Maybe it would be better if the dog goes with you and your boyfriend stays in the kennel.
flying Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 After the conflict re: dog, now he is refusing to go with my to my friends wedding this weekend... Maybe it would be better if the dog goes with you and your boyfriend stays in the kennel. Perfect.
vestigalvirgin Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 You said he refuses to go to any such events with you, and in fact has actually ditched you on the day of a wedding before. That's incredibly crappy and self-absorbed. This is horribly rude, a terrible breach of etiquette to the bride and groom, as well. When guests RSVP this results in a certain number of dinners being ordered, and they have to be paid for even if a guest decides not to show up at the last minute.
Author seaberry Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 Yes, I feel as if his rude behavior reflects badly upon me. I know that his meal has already been paid for. His reply is that I pressured him into saying that he would go - that it is like a "forced confession". And he does blame me - that I am in fact the selfish one for asking him to do things that he does not want to do. And that I care to much what my friends and family think of him - that I am always trying to make him "dance".
Crazy Magnet Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 You're with him because.............. I can't see any reason. The man you currently have is all you are going to get from this one. You can complain all you want but he is never going to change. The only way the situation is going to change is if you remove yourself from it and dump his ass. Otherwise, there is really nothing I, the other LS posters, or any of your friends and family who are CUTTING HIM OUT OF THEIR LIFE FOR A REASON can do for you.
SecretSquirrel Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Your BF is just trying to manipulate you OP, when he says things like that. This is exactly what I would say: finding accomodations for the dog or not go on his sudden trip. Tell him that his willingness to jump town on a whim without concern for the dog tells you a lot about his potential behavior with children... and it's not attractive. If he actually thinks the dog should be a shared responsibility, then he should think of it this way: when you cleared this weekend with him, when he decided he wanted to go away the same weekend, figuring out the situation with the dog became his sole responsibility. You already did your part by checking with him. If he wants to go ahead and make plans now, knowing that, it's all on him to figure it out.
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