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[d_d85]

I have been dating a guy for about a month and a half. In the beginning I had really high expectations as he was very interested in me. From the beginning I felt we got along great, very early on he took me out with his friends and I took him out with mine, there where a couple occasions where we all went out as a group. His friends know me and he seems to like me very much when we are together, but this is the problem- in between dates he never calls me, in the first two weeks he was the one who would initiate contact but after that it seemed that I was always the one calling or texting. Our pattern goes like this, i text and he calls me back and makes plans usually or i call him and he makes plans or i ask him what he is doing on the day i want to see him. Since i noticed this pattern I'm doing a test to see if he will call or text me first, it has been 3 days and he still has not called me or texted to see him or make plans. I find this very strange since when we are together he is very affectionate and loving towards me, we already had sex so i don't think it's because of that that he isn't calling because we have seen each other after that. I'm so confused because I really like him but I feel like he is distant and we lack that part of a relationship where he is able to fully open up to me emotionally. I'm also scared to open up to him emotionally because i don't want to scare him. Important points about him is that he got out of a serious relationship (3 years) 5 months ago, he is almost 27, and he told me he has lost faith in relationships for now because his ex cheated on him, he also tells me his ex and him are still friends. From early on it was well known between both of us that right now he does not know about getting into a relationship and that we were just getting to know each other. I'm also in the same situation as him because right now i don't want to be put back into the scary world of being in a relationship because i also got out of a 4 year relationship 4 months ago and I was also cheated on so I have trust issues. But I also want to know that there is a possibility of a relationship in the future with this guy and that im not wasting my time. When i tried to bring it up to him a couple of weeks ago he told me about his ex and that he lost faith in relationships but that im not just some girl he is having sex with, that he enjoys my company and that if i were to take out sex from the equation he would still want to hang out with me. He also told me " You just tell me when you're sick of me" when i asked him why he said that he said believe me you'll get sick of me:confused: I don't understand what that means?! could it be he is insecure because his ex cheated on him??!!

 

The last time i saw him i tried not to have sex with him but i still did, even though he didn't initiate, he was happy just cuddling.

 

I'm just so confused because now we only see eachother about once a week and we don't talk on the phone, only small talk and to plan when we will see each other again.

 

He called me on Monday but when i called him back he said he called me by accident, had small talk and then we got off the phone pretty quickly. i'm just so confused. Im starting to really like him and I'm scared. I don't know whether I should call him if he doesn't call me, it's already been 3 days and 4 days today if he doesn't call today!

Edited July 7, 2010 by d_d85

[d_d85]

anybody have a reply for me? please i really need someone else's take on this situation, should i just not play games and call him? what do you think he wants?

[Ronni_W]

From early on it was well known between both of us that right now he does not know about getting into a relationship and that we were just getting to know each other.

I think you'd be wise to accept what you already know about him and how he currently feels about getting into/being in a new relationship -- he does not want that for himself right now.

 

The behaviour that you're wanting/expecting from him, is more "boyfriend/serious dating" behaviour. So, you're asking/hoping for something from him that he did not say he would give you; in fact, that he said he CANNOT give you.

 

He also told you that he "does not know about getting into a relationship" -- and yet you STILL insist (in your own head) that you want to know that there is at least the possibility of one. But. HE DOES NOT KNOW THAT yet...so how can he tell you, one way or the other? How can he tell you something that he does not know?

 

If you're unhappy with things as they currently exist, then of course you have the right to stop seeing him. But to expect or try to force him to come up with answers that he does not have...that'll just be an exercise in immaturity and futility, yes?

 

EDIT. I think: Call him if and when you want; have sex with him if and when you want -- but do not expect him to act like a "boyfriend" and as if he's made some type of commitment to you. He has NOT done that...yet. Maybe he will in the future, and maybe he won't. He does not know that part. You have to act according to what he does know NOW, and also what YOU do know now.

Edited July 7, 2010 by Ronni_W

[d_d85]

Thank you Ronnie. I think you are right and there is nothing much I can do. I guess if he called me to see how my day was or called me more often or saw each other more often then that might be considered a boyfriend/serious dating situation which he does not want to be in one right now. Although I can't help but think that it's just common courtesy to touch base and a simple "how is your day" text once in a while wouldn't hurt, I just want to feel like he is thinking about me so that when I do see him i don't feel like a fool or tricked cus his actions are one of a boyfriend. He holds my hand in public, kisses me, says sweet things and kisses my forehead often, all signs that he cares, but then he doesn't call or act like he cares what i'm doing when we aren't together...i guess im just asking for too much too soon????

 

Thank again for your reply

[txsilkysmoothe]

I know a man who behaves similarly and I haven't been able to figure him out.

 

My guy may have a drinking problem which takes precedent and makes him unreliable.

 

He was also very hurt by divorce.

 

I don't know the answer but do wonder if men like this are "doing the parts of relationships they can handle and deal with" and avoiding the rest.

 

Also, your guy may be actively not contacting you though he may want to, actively keeping distant, actively not allowing himself to behave in a normal dating manner. If you are also reluctant to get into a full blown relationship, it could work. The problem I see is such behavior leaves one feeling like the other does not care for them.

 

I sympathize with you.

[Ronni_W]

Believe me, I get where you're coming from.

But your concerns may require a different kind of conversation. Tell him that you are afraid of getting confused and being used. Ask him if it will be possible for him to be more friendly towards you, outside of your 'dates'. (Say "friendly" so it does not spook him.)

 

Then, *if* he asks what/how, say maybe a text every 2 or 3 days, etc. -- a few REALISTIC things that will help you feel better about being in this FWB with him. (But don't go all nuts and start asking for too much at once. Let him get used to the idea that it's okay for him to contact you, and you WILL NOT get the wrong impression. You WON'T get the wrong impression and turn it into something that it's not, right? You KNOW that, right now, it's basically an FWB?)

 

To be honest, it sounds as if you are already more invested in this relationship and more into this guy than is reciprocated. It is on YOU to protect your own Self...but that's not done by expecting/demanding HIM to change his thoughts, wants, needs or behaviour. These are things that you need to change within yourself...so that it suits what he can and wants to offer you, right now. Or. You leave the situation.

Although I can't help but think that it's just common courtesy to touch base and a simple "how is your day" text once in a while wouldn't hurt,

No, it's NOT "common courtesy" to touch base with people if the thought to "touch base" does not enter one's mind. That is you putting YOUR values on him, a control tactic.

Similarly your self-talk like "it wouldn't hurt" also comes off as...well, as if you're a victim of some sort. You are not. You are making your own, free-will choices.

 

You are powerful: you can get out of this situation anytime it does not 100% please you...but it must please you exactly the way it is; not the way you think-decide it (he) "should" be or "wouldn't hurt" him to be. That's just wanting to get your own way, without regard for what he wants/needs.

 

He is acting according to his own current needs, desires, fears and feelings. If you can't get that, then just leave him -- that will be better than pressuring him to give you what he does not have to give you, and feeling miserable and victimized yourself.

 

Hugs. I know it's difficult. But that doesn't mean that you have to make it even more difficult. Right?

Edited July 7, 2010 by Ronni_W

[d_d85]

txsilkysmoothe, thanks for your reply. sometimes i do think he is actively not calling or texting because he does not want me to get the wrong impression or maybe he is just not comfortable because he might be insecure, but that theory is an unlikely one i think (that he is insecure) because i have shown him that i like him enough for him to not be shy. the only thing that makes me think he might be insecure is that he said "you just tell me when you're sick of me"

 

i don't know if that means that he will never want a commitment so the ball is in my court of when i get sick of the situation and decide to leave OR if it means that he thinks i'll get sick of him because he is insecure due to his past relationship.

 

ronni, thanks again, the whole FWB things throws me off, even though i know i am, i hate to be considered in that way, im 24 and he is only the second guy i've slept with, in my opinion i think if i didn't do it so soon him and i would be a different place right now, but maybe not. i will try to take out sex out of the equation and see what happens. i'm really more interested in building a bond with him emotionally rather than physically right now, i think thats' best for both of us. what do you think about the whole "you just tell me when you're sick of me" thing.

 

thanks! thanks!

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, d_d.

It did kind of come across that...well...

That it was possible that you were/are hoping/looking for ways for it to NOT be an FWB; to somehow 'transform' it into something more meaningful with a few texts and some more-frequent contact.

 

It doesn't work like that, of course -- for a second there, you were on your way to a bit of ignoring and pretending (self-deception rather than self-protection.) It's excellent that you're not planning to stay on that path

 

You're right, too: *if* you do not want to be an FWB, then you must stop having sex with this particular guy, for the moment. He is getting what he wants out of it...but it doesn't sound as if you can say the same thing and still be 100% honest and true to your Self.

 

what do you think about the whole "you just tell me when you're sick of me" thing.

When he said, "believe me you'll get sick of me" -- I would believe him; I would deeply and sincerely believe him. That is him telling you information about HIMSELF (not about you, even though he phrased it like it's something about you.)

 

What it says to me is that he already knows there are some things about his personality and/or the way he does relationships that he needs to improve (failing the necessary improvements, people get sick of him -- he ALREADY KNOWS this.)

 

But. He has no serious intentions of making his own efforts to improve in the areas in which he knows he must...for people to NOT get sick of him.

If he tries to tell you it's just about him feeling insecure (that it's not him just not being motivated to grow/learn/improve), then, IMO, he'd be trying to blow smoke up your ass.

 

He warned you so that, when you start bitching about those very same under-developed, unskilled habits and behaviours of his, he can just say to you, in all truth and honesty, "See? I TOLD you this would happen! Now you want to try to change me. But this is the way I've always been...I TOLD you! Obviously you don't accept me the way I am. Obviously you don't love me 'unconditionally'. Obviously I was wrong to trust you/get involved with you."

And then he will cry and whine and act like it's all YOUR fault, and as if YOU'RE the one who is somehow dysfunctional and/or lacking compassion.

 

That is my experience with men AND women who offer those types of warnings at the beginning of relationships and friendships. I have learned to heed them well; to accept at face value what they tell me about themselves.

 

I would encourage you to make your own objective assessments, and intellectually-based decisions. (I know it's tough to leave emotions out of it, sometimes...but that's what I'm strongly recommending.)

 

Not sure that it's what you wanted/hoped to hear but...

And of course, just take what resonates for you and leave the rest

[d_d85]

I think/know the only thing i can do is just go with the flow, not expect anything and just enjoy his company. When i get lonely and feel sad because i would like him to be around more i just need to occupy myself with something else, hopefully it will develop into something more, but i really have to actively remember NOT to sleep with him anymore and build a deeper emotional bond. i feel like im such a good person and im a great catch and i hope he sees it before i get hurt.

 

which leads me to something else that happened tonight. so this guy im talking about works at a bar, he's a bartender (don't think he is a player because of this though, he is 26 and has been in 2 long term relationships before) Anyway, that's where we met, my friends and i frequent the place regularly, so tonight i asked two of my friends to go see him, hoping that he would wonder why im not there or ask about me. To my dissapointment, my friends tell me he did not ask about me at all! Which i find very disheartening

 

One of my other friends also tells me that HE was kinda flirting with my friend and vice versa. I feel even worse now!

 

By the way, i txtd him today just asking how his day was, I could not handle not hearing from him for 4 days! Just as I thought he didn't reply to my text but called me an hour later. Every time i text he calls me instead, which i guess could be a good thing, although he rarely ever calls without me initiating a text before hand.

 

I know this is A LOT of info and i sound like a bit of a nut case, but im just very confused with my emotions and what this guy is all about.

 

One last thing that i found disheartening today was that when he got off the phone he said to me...I will call you tomorrow and we can plan something to see each other SOMEDAY... Someday?! is it just me, or does "someday" sound very careless and uniterested?! especially if he hasn't called me in 4 days!

 

 

sometimes i blow things out of porportion, actually many many times, but i just can't help but think that maybe he doesn't like me and he is just trying to be nice? eventhough the last time we saw each other on saturday he acted like he really liked me....he even tells me he gets shivers when we kiss

 

 

so so tired of guessing

[Ronni_W]

d_d,

You ARE a good person. You ARE likable, lovable and important. No doubt you ARE a great catch.

 

Unfortunately, though, that does not mean that every guy in whom you are romantically interested will necessarily or automatically be romantically interested in you. When it comes to the guy choosing you for a serious/long-term love relationship, it does not matter if you are a good person and a great catch; what matters is the guy's preferences, likes and dislikes.

 

My opinion is that getting into an FWB with the hope of it becoming a serious love relationship very seldom works out well. You want more from this guy, and using sex to try to get it...well, you are setting-up yourself to get hurt. He has been honest with you; it will not be him hurting you. You will get hurt because you did not listen to what he told you, and/or you did not accept, as his truth, what he told you.

 

From what you've posted, it sounds as if he likes you well enough and does enjoy your company. But he can take it...or leave it. He is NOT thinking about you all that much; he is NOT trying to arrange his schedule so that he can fit you into his life; he does NOT feel any urges to make contact with you. You're not a major part of his life or happiness.

 

Would he still enjoy your company if there was no possibility/promise of sex at the end of it?

There is only ONE way to find out. It's not about "remembering" not to have sex with him -- remembering and doing are two entirely separate things. (I know that you know this. I know it was just your brain creating the opportunity for you to make excuses for yourself after the next time you decide, of your own free will, to have sex with him.)

 

It is about not having sex with him. You are 100% in control of your choices. It is also about staying in control of your own sexual urges and desires. I get that part. I know that it is difficult to say 'no' to someone to whom we are terribly attracted and who just gets us way too horny. But.

 

If you want to find out where you REALLY stand with this guy, then take sex off the table. So far, you've made it too easy for him to get his short-term needs met -- he is happy; what motivation does he have to change anything about how he is perceiving and treating you?

he even tells me he gets shivers when we kiss

If he is telling the truth about that, then it is a very good/positive thing.

If he is telling the truth about that, then he'll still want to see you even without the sex.

If he is NOT telling the truth about that, then you do want to know sooner than later!

 

There is still only one way to find out the truth about that.

 

d_d, IMO you will get hurt if you just keep doing what/how you've been doing; something on your side has got to change. You have already started stooping to immature tactics (sending your g/fs to his restaurant for the purpose that you did?!?!?) From what I'm gathering, that doesn't really sound like you. So, I would suggest to not allow yourself to let that kind of behaviour escalate...my guess is that you'll not feel very good about yourself, at the end of it.

 

Hugs and best.

Edited July 8, 2010 by Ronni_W
clarification

[d_d85]

Thanks so much for your kind words ronni. I will follow all of your advice, but im getting the feeling that it might be too late, i dont think this guy wants to see me anymore, even after all that affection he showed, maybe he is seeing someone else, or maybe he is just not interested and trying to weesle his way out of seeing me anymore. I just didn't get the impression that he would do that. HE DID NOT CALL ME AGAIN TODAY, LIKE HE SAID HE WOULD. I don't understand, why would he call me when i texted him yesterday, he didn't need to call me, he could've texted me back, but he called me instead, he keeps getting my hopes up that maybe he is just busy and that's why he hasn't called me, but it's not that, i know deep down he is not thinking about me hence not even remembering he said he will call me today. I thought he would for sure call me since my friends went to his restaurant last night, to at least ask me why i wasn't there. He is really starting to turn things around and show me a side of him i really don't like. It's really bothering me, now i wish i did not sleep with him. I really don't want him to stop talking to me cold turkey like that, i already miss him. :(

[Ronni_W]

d_d,

If you wanted to have sex with him, then it's perfectly fine that you did. You were taking care of YOUR needs and following your own thoughts, feelings and desires, and that is perfectly fine. (If you enjoyed the sex...then that's a bonus!)

 

I know you said that you don't perceive him as a player...but he sure acts like one, doesn't he? So maybe it's just that your perception got a little distorted due to your liking him. That can happen, and it's fine, too.

 

There's nothing for you to feel "bad" or "guilty" about. He was also upfront with you, even though he did not provide details. This is the part that he warned you about, that you chose to ignore. This is the part where you get sick of how he treats you, where you decide that he is not worth the persistent blows to your self-esteem and self-worth. HE IS NOT WORTH THAT.

 

Yes, it is painful to get over someone we care about and had hoped to have a real relationship with. It's not about you; it's that he does not have the capacity (skills, maturity and/or desire) to be in a real relationship with anybody. He told you this. Do not take his actions personally; they are not about you.

 

Wishing you excellent healing and recovery.

Hugs.