archivist Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Hello LS, I am really missing my ex and despite my best efforts I am finding it hard to let go. I am 27 and she is 24, when we first met I had just started my first job after uni and she as still in study. I apologise now for this being very long, I will provide a summary: * Dated 3.5 years * Lived together * Relationship hit a rut * No communication * Broke up * I wrote my thoughts on paper before going on holiday some harsh words were said about her * She came to my house when I was away and read those notes - she is mad * Not spoken to each other for 5 weeks * Still want her back? We started dating 3.5 years ago, everything was great, after a year we moved in together after I started a new job. For about 1.5 years I thought things were fine, we never argued so it came as a shock to me when she wanted to live separately (i probably missed some signs she was giving off), her reasons were that little things were bothering her like she feels like she has to cook when shes not hungry and that I was messy and she wanted space to concentrate on her final exams. Now that I think back these were probably excuses for deeper issues because these things were easy for me to change and I did, but she still insisted with not living together anymore. At first I did not agree, I was hurt and angry so I responded by completely clamming up, I spent longer in the gym and came home later and I wouldn't talk to her, no communication. It was her birthday a few days later so I made the effort to accept moving out, I surprised her with presents and a great evening out which she loved and we patched things up. For 8 months or so the relationship had taken a step back but things were great, we each had more space and our time together was more productive, our love for each other grew further. She had finished her exams and then started to have problems with her house mates, she was staying at my place from friday-monday anyway so I suggested that she moves in with me again and she agreed. Things were OK but with my new job I met new friends, spent more time with them and she wasn't very interested in meeting them. This wasn't a problem because we've both always given each otehr plenty of space. I was free to see who I wanted and likewise for her. We would just make some time for each other when we could. For about a year this continued, she also started her new job after graduating and she also met new colleagues. It seemed like we were spending more time with other people and then spending all time together indoors, this bothered me but she seemed fine. I don't know why I never bought this up, communication is something I've leant I need to work on, likewise for her as she never bought up issues either. I started to withdraw, I could feel the distance between us and I think she could too. It got pretty bad, she would initiate sex and I wouldn't be in the mood. I started to have doubts about the relationship, we didn't do things together anymore, we didn't have interest in each others social activities. Was this the women I wanted to marry? Shes my second serious girlfriend and i'm meeting interesting people every day through work. Again bad communication on my part I kept this to myself thinking I'll keep at this and see if things change, maybe I can fix this myself? After that she started to feel unhappy, again maybe I missed some signs but she just kept her feelings bottled up (noticing a pattern here?). She told her friends she felt unloved by me and again small things I did started to annoy her again, she would tell me about these small things but she never mentioned not feeling loved. We had hit a low point in our relationship, we both knew it but we never worked together to deal with it. Things were annoying me too, she can be so mature when it comes to our relationship and handling her emotions, but her interests I found to be immature especially when shes with her girlfriends. I just took the smooth with the rough and accept it. She started to persue a more active social life again, seeing her girlfriends more, part of why she didn't out with me was because she only likes going out with her girly friends. Then one day she just wanted to break up, I was not really surprised. At first I agreed as we were in a slump and I couldn't see a way to come out of it as we never discussed it. She wanted to move out and was going to look for another place to live (here we go again). I'm the type of person who needs time to gather my thoughts so the next day at work it hit me like a ton of bricks. The rejection from her, how I had become complacent and neglected her emotions. I felt really guilty I wanted for us to work things out. The way I expressed my love to her was by acts of service, I did most of the cooking, laundry, and cleaning, probably because I felt guilty about not doing that before and it was my place. It did start to annoy me that she was not helping out as much. I would bring back gifts for her now and then, but I had neglected her emotionally and physically. When I told her I think she should try again she said she wasn't sure. She had found a place 10 mins drive away which was convenient to get to work. I helped her move her stuff and then I gave her space thinking we were going to work things out. I'd contact her every second day to see how she was and suggest meeting up to talk as for me I don't think we ever discussed things properly. She was returning my calls late and she had made plans with friends for the whole week. I let that week pass and then asked her if I could come round to help her unpack her things, that was when she out right rejected me, she said she couldn't see a future anymore and that it was too late. I spent that entire evening trying to convince her otherwise. I was devastated, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't concentrate at work the usual stuff. I was a mess so I started NC. It's been 5 weeks or so now, between that time i've been on a 2 week break abroad which was great, I have been reuniting with old friends and met up with a few girls, only for company I might add. Now that I'm back home I've been seeing friends lots and keeping myself busy. I'm going aboard again for a weekend break and again at the end of the month. All of this helps but I still think about her every day, the pain is not so bad now but I miss her so very much. It has been strict NC from both sides I was surprised at how she was handling this and I must admit i'm feeling resentment as she hadn't contacted me at all, she seems to be handling this very well (yes the thought has crossed my mind that she is already seeing someone else). Then I learned that whilst I was away she had arranged with my cousin to come by my place to pick up the rest of her things. As she was returning my things too and she was in my room and I had unintentionally left some post-it notes on my desk. Those notes contained my personal thoughts. One note was about our relationship, what I liked about her, the good times, why we changed and why I think we broke up and couldn't work it out. The second note was much harsher, it was a list of things which annoyed me about her and why I think its best that I let go. I noted that she lacked affection, she didn't communicate, she spent a lot of time on the computer, she hates her job but she wasn't motivated to change (shes really mad about this one), how she can be immature sometimes, she avoided me and kept me in the dark about her intentions. I only know that she read this because she was so mad she had told a mutual friend, and this mutual friend had told me (my ex went through my stuff!). I know she was really angry about this and maybe thats partly why she hasn't contacted me. I must admit this makes it easier for me to resist contacting her as I have no idea if shes still mad or not. I think one of the real reasons she broke up with me is because this is her first serious relationship, shes still young, 3.5 years of her life has already been spent with me and she wants to see what else is out there. She told me that I'm fine the way I am it just didn't work out between us. What a load of BS, letting me go gently etc. I guess I can't blame her for this as to me this is natural, just sucks to be me. So here I am pouring my heart out to complete strangers, I just want to know what everyones thoughts are: No couple is perfect and as long as we are both willing to work together we can overcome anything. But shes given up so there not much I can do? Should I accept its over and stick with no contact or test the waters with her? I do still want to be with her despite everything. Or are we just totally incompatible and I'm just blinded by my infatuation? Could this still work now or will she always want to move out having doubts until she has dated someone else? How mad would you be if you read that note and how would you ever forgive me? Have you been in a similar situation, how did you deal with it? I think I already know the answers to these questions, I just want some reassurance or maybe even someone might say something and I’ll finally open my eyes.
sandiego Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 It's very interesting how similar our experiences have been. I'm 9 months removed now, so I may have a bit of insight as to what you can expect. So much of your post describes my relationship with my ex...the rut, the lack of affection (on her part). But I loved her dearly. She latched on really quickly in our relationship and wanted to be married for most of our 2.5 years together. I know she wasn't happy waiting around...but I never thought she would leave without a discussion. I suppose I thought I'd have a say at the end of the day...and I was wrong. I can tell you that even though I never really felt "in love", even though I knew there were some compatibility questions, even though I new my gut was telling me "she's not the one".......I still loved her deeply and I've tried like hell to get her back over the past 9 months. To no avail. It's amazing how your feeling can change when you lose (the perception) of control. Much of my wanting her back is probably associated with fear, the fight or flight instinct...wanting back what was safe and secure (not necessarily always fulfilling, exciting, or inspiring). It's hard to break the bond of companionship...even if she's not the one.....REALLY hard. When a woman who tells you she wants marriage for 2 years up and leaves you....you think she'll give you some say, like "hey, I'd so rather be married than lose you". But this was not the case. I'm sure she detached for some time prior to the breakup...I saw it coming, but thought I'd have more control over the end. Again, I was wrong. I've tried in vain to reconnect, and 9 months later, I'm still not completely over it. NC is probably a good idea, unless you want to drag yourself through the emotional muck indefinitely. I think NC is the way to go. It's hard as hell....but either way (whether you end up together or not), it's probably the most productive thing you could do for yourself. Not that I've been successful...but from my heartache, I can tell you from experience that it's been a really rough slog, trying to hold on, in vain. NC is your best option....you'll hear it on this board time and time again. It's just plain hard......but will get much easier, much faster if you stick to it. Good luck to you! SD
Author archivist Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 Yes I totally agree, after being so close for years you would think that when the time comes you would have some control over how things pan out. I'm sure our ex's had detached themselves before the actual break up. Keeping all those feelings bottled up until they are miserable and maybe even start to hate you can't he healthy for either of you. It hurts like hell to keep up NC, on the surface people look at me and say I look like I'm fine, they think I will get through this. Maybe I will, but I just don't want to. I know if I contact her and we talked about the relationship she would just get annoyed and knowing that hurts too. I'm sure my friends are sick to death of me talking about this by now.
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