graywolf Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Okay, here's the deal. Posted this situation earlier but wanted to revise it because all these thoughts in my head since the break-up have given me weird thoughts and perhaps false hope... Breakup exactly a week ago. NC ever since then. She hasn't contacted me which makes me really sad and makes me think she doesn't care. But anyways, we've been together for about 2 years. Madly in love with her, and I thought she felt the same way towards me. Gut feeling tells me there is no one else. Here are her words paraphrased: She wanted a "break" because of recent arguing, but specified that she wants to gain "independence" because she feels she is "too dependent on me" and wants to grow separately before we are both mature enough for a relationship. (just a week before she asked me in a letter to marry her). However, she uses "break" and "break-up" interchangeably. She says she was influenced by her sister who experienced an experience of a lifetime in another country, and that she wants to do the same without "leaving me in pain wondering how she is." She says that if we crossed paths again in the future, she would grab hold of me and never let me go. She promises me that she loves me and that there is no one else. I asked her why she was truly leaving me, and she kept saying that she's "NOT leaving me," and that I am making it "harder than it really is." HOwever, we both cried during this talk and everything, giving the impression it was a real breakup. She still has all pictures of me on her facebook (i know, i shouldn't be looking at her facebook). But yeah, NC for a week. What is going on here??? Also I think i scared her a bit by saying I was gonna join the military after college, but ionno. IS this an easy let down, false hope game? Oh, and its her birthday is in about 20 minutes... I want to give her a small present while saying nothing other than (in a card, because I'll just leave it at her doorstep) "happy birthday. I understand now the reasons why you ended the relationship, and I support you because I want you to be happy." Is this a bad idea... I've read other threads on this kind of topic, but really I don't know if this kind of message would do any harm... I'm not saying anything like I love you or I miss you. Just providing some closure for myself and using her birthday as a means to do it... and because I do care about her, so I figure it'd be nice to give her a present for her birthday. Ionno, I asked a lot of my family and cousins and they all said that she legitimately loves me and really does need time (provided what I told them) to think about things, because we're still young. eh... whatever though. Please tell me what you think. I truly care about this girl.
Ronni_W Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Your post is suggesting that you still don't quite understand this whole break-up...so why would you say in the card that you do understand? Or is that just you trying to back-door your way into forcing a response from her like, "But I didn't 'end the relationship'!" -- if so, I'd advise against that kind of sneaky-manipulative tactic. Her saying that she hasn't left you sounds bogus to me. She most certainly has left you -- nothing at all "confusing" about it. She may want you to still be hanging around for if and when SHE runs out of other options...but nothing there that ought to be "confusing" for you, either. Just say no, to that. Since there's been no contact for a week, I'd also think twice about breaking it with a present and/or card. I would leave her b/day unacknowledged. She's done; she wants to experience the world...without you. Let her do it. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Break-ups do suck.
Author graywolf Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 dang. Hard truth. Yeah, I guess you're right that that would be manipulative. I just don't feel a sense of closure and it's not really fair to me. damn this sucks.
Ronni_W Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 dang. Hard truth. Yeah, I guess you're right that that would be manipulative. I just don't feel a sense of closure and it's not really fair to me. damn this sucks. Hugs. Yeah, it does suck. You gotta take charge of your own 'closure', though: tell yourself whatever you need to tell yourself, and do whatever you need to do, on your own and by yourself. It's not really about "fair" or "unfair" -- it's just about "healing" and "recovery". You don't need her for that, and she doesn't owe you anything about that. The longer you look to her for 'closure' or answers or anything else, the longer you give her power over you -- you put yourself in a position to become a sucker and a doormat. Take back your power, yes? Give yourself your own 'closure'.
Author graywolf Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 Yes YOU are so right! thankyou for that advice. I really just need to move forward. I don't care, this is what she wanted. HAH! i gave her everything and all my heart, and this is what she wanted. I guess her loss right? Yeah, you're right, why tell her I need closure. That'll just give her some sort of ego boost. I'm just going to start having fun again! but man, I do miss the love of my life... NC sucks.
Ilovecake Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 "happy birthday. I understand now the reasons why you ended the relationship, and I support you because I want you to be happy." She is not going to want to hear that and it will make her feel weird. If she broke up with you and is not talking to you it's because she doesn't want to talk to you. She doesn't want to rehash the relationship and the breakup over and over. Leave her alone and move on with your life. Don't ruin her birthday by leaving that card. You will onlymake her want to talk to you less.
Ronni_W Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 I guess her loss right? Quite honestly, yes...it DOES sound like her loss. At the same time, that is neither here nor there. Just do what YOU need to do to start doing the rest of your life (in safe, healthy, productive ways, of course.) If I may suggest to stop telling yourself that she is "the love of your life" -- that kind of self-talk just is not, er, safe, healthy or productive: it will not lead to your quicker healing and recovery, nor will it make you happier and more successful. She's just your ex. Someone that you used to know. Someone to whom you did NOT give your power, and for whom you did NOT become a sucker-doormat. Just your ex. (Start thinking like that, and stop yourself whenever your thoughts go all mushy or melancholy about this particular piece of your past. Honestly, you will serve yourself better in the long-run.) In the "short run" -- yeah, it is tough -- but also you are strong enough, yes? And in charge of your own thoughts and self-talk.
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