JLB Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 (edited) Hi all, new to this forum.... I am a 44 year old female...who is not married to the man I am about to talk about...however...we have been together for almost 17 years and have two teenage daughters together. We are essentially married without the papers. About a year ago my SO (significant other) lost his 300k a year job. He had been working for a large construction company and was very high up on the totem pole. When the company brought in a new CEO, my SO and this CEO did not get along. After a few months, neither one could stand each other and my SO was let go. I feel like this is what started this downward spiral of where we are at now, although there were other things that might have helped the spin. I am now at a spot where I am learning not to take the blame for what he has done. A year ago June 2009, my SO took my youngest daughter and headed back to his hometown to spend the summer. This is something he and my girls have been doing for years. It's cooler and his family is there...so it has never been an issue for me to stay at home and work (I run a business) while he takes off. During the summer vacation of 2009, my SO met a much older woman during a party at a local restaurant in his hometown. She is 21 years older...My SO is 41, she is 62. My SO never revealed that he had met this woman that summer. I found out within days of their meeting because I was already checking emails and cell records of his and just so happened to see this begin. I waited a couple of days before I said anything to him, because I knew he would change all of his passwords if I revealed how I knew he had a "friend"...so once I did ask him about her...he did say they were just friends, which I guess in the beginning that is what you are...but just the tone of her emails to him, made it sound like she was very interested and was looking forward to seeing him again. I would say that after 10 days of his meeting her, he slept with her. The next 6 months were hell after that. I got alot of the "we're just friends" line, as well as the lies about where they would meet up, phone calls, texts etc. Ironically this woman lives in the same state as we do, and she just so happened to have family in his hometown. What luck huh? So on the days I would go off to work and leave him home (remember he was jobless) he would spend a lot of his day texting and calling her, everyday. Once he found out that I was logging into his email and cell records, he did change all the passwords. I then purchased a key logger online and let it sit on our home computer in stealth mode. I was able to get back into emails and cell records. I kept up with it for months. I even went as far as checking mileage and buying a GPS tracker. I knew what was going on, but when I would want to talk about it or her, I was promptly SHUT DOWN by my SO. The "just friends" line was getting old to me. He would explain to me that he just enjoyed her friendship, that she was a great conversationalist, that she could talk sports and politics with him, he liked her intellect and nothing more. After I found out that he had slept with her even more than the one night stand...I had had enough and was ready to move out of our home. One day after an explosive fight over this other woman...I told him I was leaving and proceeded to pack whatever I could get into rubbermaid bins and get out, he came rushing in behind me and said "No, I'll leave" and then he proceeded to pack a suitcase and left. That lasted for about 2 mos. He went to stay with a male friend. In the meantime, I was devastated. I lost alot of weight, cried myself to sleep at night, and literally had to drag myself to my business. I didn't feel like working, I avoided new clients just because I didn't want to be at my job. I kept trying to figure out what I did wrong. I decided to take a vacation with my kids to get him off my mind...while I was gone..I asked him to babysit our home and the dogs. When I returned, my SO seemed very happy to see me..and after a few days I asked him to move home so we could work on us....and he did return. It wasn't what I expected...he continued to lie about still talking to this other woman. He was very cold in our bed. He would face the opposite wall with his back to me every single night. I didn't have to worry about his having sex with two women because he never even tried to do anything with me. I felt ugly and unwanted. He was extremely unhappy. There was NOTHING I could do to make anything better...nothing. I tried to be the perfect mate...gave back rubs, foot rubs, special dinners, more attention, etc. and it wasn't going to make him happy...in 45 days he was out the door and moved out again...the first night gone...he went straight to her house and spent 2 nights with her. After that he went back to the male friends house and stayed there. That was a final straw for me. I told him to stay away from me and stay away from our house. I told him that I was going to get an attorney to get the house in my name and some other stuff drawn up. He said I didn't need to do any of that, because I could have it ALL. Within a week of his leaving, he showed up on my doorstep...and wanted to come inside. He had tears in his eyes. He told me that this was not easy on him. I felt sorry for him and started being nice to him the rest of that day. That was back in early May... Since then...he is still gone....he never did move in with OW. He has been working in another state so that pretty much solved the "where to stay" issue. In the meantime, I started doing my own thing. I started going to the gym, going out all the time with my friends, finding other interests and trying to move on. All of a sudden he is "into me" again. He wants to know...who I am seeing, if I've been on any dates, if I've kissed anyone. He calls me ALL the time, he texts me all the time. He even called me up one day from out of town and wanted to know if he flew into town if he could take me on a date? I've been told by him, "he misses me, he loves me, he is afraid of losing me, he doesn't want to break up, he misses everything about me, etc"...however, he is still seeing OW. In fact, I now feel like the OW. How weird is this?? On Fathers Day, he came into town..and spent the night at our house, in my bed. We had a great family day with the kids and that evening when he had to fly back, he gave me two kisses in front of our kids and acted very happy. Since Fathers Day happened, I have been very confused now...Just when I thought I was going to get over this man and move on...he reeled me back in. Also, the honeymoon is over with OW. On Fathers Day...I overheard a conversation they were having where she was giving him the 3rd degree on where he was, and where he had slept that evening. He told her that he slept on my couch. His words to her were, "I am not going to argue with you about this" and they hung up. Apparently now she is demanding more of his time, and getting upset that he isn't spending time with her like she wants. She wanted to know WHY he had not introduced his kids to her yet, or why he didn't invite her to go with him to a friends weddding. This is what he tells me about her....he says that he does not like sleeping in her bed with her all night...says he is not comfortable there....he says that she wears too much makeup, that she is addicted to online shopping, that if she continues to be possessive of him that he doesn't want that and will end it with her, that he does not want the drama....etc. I feel like this OW and I are now fighting over him, without really talking to each other. She is worried about what he is doing with me, and I am worried about what he is still doing with her....Yet he claims to be the "nice guy" in all this and wishes we would both stop being possessive. This is where the no contact thing comes in. I have decided that I have HAD ENOUGH of this BS. It's completely asinine and stupid. He is playing both of us. He comes over here and cries and looks sad, tells me he misses me etc. and then who knows what he says to her. He is flip flopping like a fish!!!! So it was my idea....at first I was very mean and angry and told him that I was done...to stay away from me, to work it out with his OW and leave me alone. Apparently after I said that he was devastated and spent 3 hours in tears and could not sleep most of the night. So then I changed it to....3 months of dating each other, to see if we still were interested or had a spark with each other or whatever. I think that we both do...in fact I know we do. We are both sad without each other. But he will NOT get rid of OW. He says that he just wont' do it right now because he is skeptical that we would work out. So in the meantime, he keeps her thinking that he and I are not sleeping together (well it's only been twice) I even threatened to tell her and he asked me not to. I knew that in those 3 months of us "dating" that he was going to keep seeing and "dating" OW. After sitting here thinking about it for days...I thought to myself, "NO, I am not doing this to myself"....it's all or nothing. Why on earth would I let him have his cake and eat it too?? What man wouldn't like that deal?? Date his ex and the newbie at the same time and get perks off both relationships. Yet we two women are the ones emotionally screwed up over who he wants to be with. So I told him, NO....not doing that....I told him 3 months of NO CONTACT at all. No texting me, no calling me, no coming over, no coming inside the house, no seeing our pets etc. The only thing he can do is pull up and pick up and or drop off children. He is to completely leave me alone, and if anything needs to be communicated to me then he can go through one of my children to tell me etc. I then suggested 6 mos of no contact and he said "no" that he didn't want to do that. He said that in 3 mos...he will make a decision, no matter what...he said he is going to use that 3 mos to get his act together, get a job going and get back on his feet. He told me that he didn't see him and the OW lasting until Oct..(that is when the 3 mos time would end)...he makes it sound like she is becoming a pain in the butt. He said he is not in love with her and doesn't need the drama. So the beginning of our 3 mos no contact started today. It's very strange, but I am actually looking forward to this. I am tired of the games...I want him to make up his mind and do something, regardless if it's with me or her. He has assured me that by the end of the 3 months, that if he chooses to come home that he will "for sure" end the affair with this other woman and I said, "that means for good..no calls, no text, no emails nothing" and he agreed. He has told me that this was NEVER about a choice between her or I...that it has always been about him and where he was at in life with regard to his job loss and no financial stability and trying to get back on his feet etc. Sounds like a midlife crisis....but I am done....this is way to painful to keep doing with him. The OW just gets more emotionally attached everyday with him...their break up (if it happens) will be another drama filled episode...I just don't want to be in this triangle anymore. I am too old to be doing this...I feel like this is highschool BS. So that is why I said it was NO CONTACT with a twist....being that we both agreed to the no contact. It was more my idea, well totally my idea..and he somewhat agreed to it. He told me it wasn't going to be easy...and I thought to myself...ya, wasn't planning on it being easy for you...but we'll see. I still find it hard to believe that if he does choose to come home and be back together that he will stop all communication with her or her with him. any thoughts on the whole situation?? Edited July 7, 2010 by JLB
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