Fieldsofgold Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Yet more great musings that FORCE me to look where I would perhaps rather not. :-) Same here, sista!
Fieldsofgold Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Mombot, lots of good discussion has taken place, lots of good POV have been presented. I almost get the feeling that you are a bit stuck in the decision-making process. Maybe IC would help you work through whatever it is that's got you stuck?
BB07 Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Each to their own .. but if he actually did claim he was divorced and he wasn't then surely a) he lied for a reason b) he lied for no reason c) he genuinly didn't know if he was divorved or separated If it's: a) do you really want to be with him b) do you really want to be with him c) Get his IQ checked What else is there to know???? Oh yes, I know, he "cared" for you SO much that he was afraid that if he told you the truth he wouldn't get you and thefore he chose to overcome that minor difficulty by removing the choice from you alltogether. Looks (from outside) like you are looking for something to justify the lie/make it ok .. rather than just accepting that he lied to you and then comparing this against your own tick list of what's acceptable in a partner. Not easy when you;re in it though, and glad you're taking time to think be safe Chris Good post Chris. I wanted to add a little more food for thought as my eyes have been opened so widely lately that the light hurts them. Anyway.........lies that seem like truth and even a piece of the truth can be used in such a way, that they give him the advantage, in that it makes him look like he is a lot better than he is. You know....how we all put our best foot forward at the beginning of a relationship, well compound that many, many times when someone is lying. Hope this makes sense.
White Flower Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Most BS will say to tell, that they have a right to know (and I agree). Most OW will say not to tell, but usually that is because they know that if they tell, their MM will most likely throw them under the bus.Or the OW will be accused of telling only because she didn't get her way. In fact, when I used to ask these questions it was mostly BW who suggested it was not a good idea.
Author Mombot Posted July 17, 2010 Author Posted July 17, 2010 I do not have a way. That's the point. I need to find that direction, know how I feel about it and own it.
White Flower Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 I do not have a way. That's the point. I need to find that direction, know how I feel about it and own it. I think you make a good point, that you don't 'have a way'. Many are surprised to find themselves in an A sitch and you are quite right, we don't necessarily know 'our way' once we find ourselves there. Good luck with finding your answers.
jwi71 Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 I do not have a way. That's the point. I need to find that direction, know how I feel about it and own it. That's not true - you do know the way, you just don't want to take it. You either do nothing or you do something to change it. If you do nothing, well, nothing changes and the issues you have (that odd feeling tickling the recesses of your heart) don't go away. You remain unsatisfied. If you do "something", then you may uncover more nasty truths. Another bad outcome you wish to avoid. I'm sorry but there is no easy way. No magic pill. No painless remedy for this mess. Whatever path you choose you will experience pain. So how do you want your pain? Long and drawn out (the do nothing path)? Or short, quick and to the point (the do something path). You can choose many things: 1) Tell him to go away until he delivers to you signed D papers. 2) Call his "stbxw" 3) End the A and just walk 4) Nothing at all 5) Win the lottery and give this anonymous internet poster guy a reward? (I'm partial to #5 myself) Personally, I would ask your MM. During such conversation I would inform MM I will be calling his stbxw to verify his story. Why? Because he lied. Because "something" is bothering you. You have a way mombot...you just don't want to take it.
Author Mombot Posted July 19, 2010 Author Posted July 19, 2010 you know, I think the lottery has the best chance of success. If I win I'll send you your share!
BB07 Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Mombot.......I'm afraid for you. I'm afraid that you are sticking your head in the sand because you want to believe this man is telling you the truth so badly that you won't check up on him or find facts. Please for your sake.......verify that what he is telling you is true. Get proof, not just his word. If you get facts.....and he is telling you the truth, think how much peace of mind you will have. If you don't verify anything........you are continuing to stick your head in the sand and you may get yourself into a lot deeper crap and hurt than you can ever imagine. Please do it for yourself.
Author Mombot Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 Am thinking of simply putting him in second place, seeing him if convenient for me, and focusing my relationship efforts on finding someone available.
White Flower Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Am thinking of simply putting him in second place, seeing him if convenient for me, and focusing my relationship efforts on finding someone available. Sounds like a plan!
Author Mombot Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 I started another thread with this idea- doesn't seem to be well received.
BB07 Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Am thinking of simply putting him in second place, seeing him if convenient for me, and focusing my relationship efforts on finding someone available. Oh Mombot..........you are kidding yourself. It's simple........verify what he has told you, if it's true, then continue on.....if it's not, then flush him. SIMPLE.
Owl Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I haven't seen the other thread, Mombot, but I'd hazard a guess that the reason the idea of "putting him second" isn't well received is because it's likely not to work. You're setting yourself up to fail in making any REAL change in the situation. You're not taking into account how addictive this whole thing has been...for you and for him. You're not going to effect any REAL change by "putting him second". If you want change....MAKE CHANGE. In other words..."If you change nothing...nothing changes.". End it. Or embrace it. Anything less isn't change.
jthorne Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I posted in your other thread that if you really want to demote the MM, tell him to contact you when he's divorced, and get busy dating others. I think you're just looking for an excuse not to contact the BS because you're afraid of what you'll hear, but that's JMO. Did you ask MM about contacting her?
Author Mombot Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 No I haven't seen him yet, and I think that should be an inperson request.
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