Author Mombot Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 I'm not ambivalent at all- I adore him, but I have to be a realist here.
Fieldsofgold Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I am trying to decided what my goals and plans are... frm what I can decipher, I think he got tired of the home situation and found employment that would put him out of state almost all year. He did tell me they split everything up once and then didn't finish it. I really like him, but am not too sure what I want here. I'm wondering if I shouldn't be looking for someone else. I did glean the idea to do some snooping from a previous post. The bolded parts sounded ambivalent to me.
Owl Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I get that you 'adore him'. Don't take me wrong. But given the number of success stories we've seen vs. the number of times we've seen what appeared to be a solid relationship suddenly result in a broken-hearted OW here...and given that you actually appear to want to (and are able to) look at this from a rational, 'planning' perspective... I'd suggest that you take all the horror stories and warnings you've seen posted on this site from OW who have been shattered by their affair to heart...and use that as your catalyst to walk away now, before the emotional investment is so great that you end up in a similar boat. The "odds" are clearly against the chance of this turning into a successful, long term relationship with him. Yes, it MIGHT happen. It does happen occasionally. But...realistically...you're far more likely to find out that he's lied, or get thrown under the bus when d-day arrives. If you're truly trying to 'reason out' what your best next steps are...take that into consideration. That's about the only 'advice' I could offer at this piont.
jthorne Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I dunno. He lied to you about being divorced. Do you really need to know more? Isn't that enough to know what kind of man he is? He suckered you in and did it deliberately with a big lie. I agree with Owl, and I'll add: If your goal is to find out the truth, such as are they actually planning to divorce or are they actually separated...the fact that you even have to go to his wife in order to be certain of the truth should tell you all you need to know about this MM and your relationship with him.Exactly. Says everything you need to know about his character. You even said this yourself on another thread: White Liar He went home out of state and will be back here on Friday. We talk quite a bit on the phone, and and I've heard him tell lies (like the city he's in) to the BS when he's talked to her.. I noticed a big hole in his story about going to his sister's, and I know he took her but left that all out of the conversation. I always just let it all go because I like him so much. I'm sure he will have a gift or two when he arrives, will smile sweetly and like always, I'll say to myself, what the heck. Do you ever do that? Sure, gifts are nice, and sex is fun, but is this the kind of man you want to spend your life with? And speaking of, has this guy even discussed any kind of future with you? I'm betting he's enjoying the status quo... or as 2sure said, hiding behind his "marriage".
Fieldsofgold Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 What do you think of emailing her? I think that would be good.
norajane Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Did you tell MM that you wanted to contact his wife in order to learn the truth about their relationship? Perhaps you might want to mention that to him and see how he reacts.
BalenciagaSpain Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 What do you think of emailing her?I certainly would have appreciated being told in my case. Sure would have saved everyone involved a lot of time. I'm not sure she would have "got" him though. She hasn't so far that I know of.
BalenciagaSpain Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 I am the BS. My apologies if you did not wish for BS to comment on your thread.
Author Mombot Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 No, very inportant to have another point of view!
torranceshipman Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 My personal take is that you should always tell the truth in these situations...mostly because it is the best way to air all of the lies, put them in the light, and see the truth from all angles (which the MM will never do on his own)-that really frees you to make an informed decision. And it frees the BS too. For once you see the complete truth about how he feels and whether he was telling you the truth about anything. Secondly there is one person - the BS - who is currently being completely disrespected and I think she NEEDS respect from someone - respect in the sense that someone tells her the truth. This would really benefit her. I just think you seem like you respond to black and white - too much gray area and you might take a heck of a long time to move on from him, but putting this out in the open would prompt you to take action and move decisively in one way or another.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 What do you think of emailing her? How about knocking on the door and facing her like a woman? You have the guts to mess around with her husband, have the guts to contact her in person.
Author Mombot Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 I has indeed thought of that and mentioned it in an earlier post but others suggested it unnecessary.
stillafool Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 I was reading an internet article that said you should contact the BS, let them know yu are in the picture, and ask them if they intend to leave their spouse and decided from there what to do. What do you think? Has anyone done this? I think if you approach it in this way, at least you are being honest. I don't know why more OW when approached by the BS don't just come out and say "yes I am in love with your h and he is in love with me and he has talked to me about leaving you so we can be together". Then just ask, "Can I have him?"
Author Mombot Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 We were friends for almost five years before we went out.
Fieldsofgold Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 We were friends for almost five years before we went out. Is that relevant to any of this? If so, please explain, as it is lost on me.
jwi71 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 He's separated from his W - not divorced like he first claimed. You, rightfully, have an issue with it (and it eroded trust) He, I presume, knows this. I see absolutely NO problem with calling his W and verifying his story. If his story is true, his W will gladly verify it. She'll have no problem verifying the M is over and he is "free" to pursue a R with you. If its not, well, the conversation will go...differently. Will he like it? Not likely but who cares. HE set this up by lying to you. And YOU deserve the truth. So call.
Author Mombot Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 Should I tell him I am going to call first as suggested previously?
jwi71 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I like that even better. Same story but different perspective. If all is as he says, then he will not object. In fact, I wonder why he hasn't suggested you call already. However, if he objects...listen to the why. Does it make sense? Is it reasonable? And why didn't he come forward with this FIRST? And lets be honest...there are NO reasons he can conjure to NOT call. If he is separated with NO intent on reconciliation...then there won't be a problem. A call by his GF to his stbxw...won't HARM anything. Nothing. And we all know he will object. The question is...when presented with every excuse (and the "I can't believe you don't trust me bullshyt")...what will you do? Its not about YOU proving yourself to him...its HIM proving himself (because he lied) to YOU. Are you prepared to walk away? Are you prepared to even ASK to call? Or is ignorance too warm a blanket to surrender?
BB07 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Its not about YOU proving yourself to him...its HIM proving himself (because he lied) to YOU. Are you prepared to walk away? Are you prepared to even ASK to call? Or is ignorance too warm a blanket to surrender? Love.......love the bolded part of your quote JW.......it's so true and it's really words to live by when a man says he is separated.
Author Mombot Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 I am prepared for either result, but want to ask him in person. Told him I can't see him this weekend, I am busy. I actually have events to go to, but I'm busy thinking.
silverplanets Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Each to their own .. but if he actually did claim he was divorced and he wasn't then surely a) he lied for a reason b) he lied for no reason c) he genuinly didn't know if he was divorved or separated If it's: a) do you really want to be with him b) do you really want to be with him c) Get his IQ checked What else is there to know???? Oh yes, I know, he "cared" for you SO much that he was afraid that if he told you the truth he wouldn't get you and thefore he chose to overcome that minor difficulty by removing the choice from you alltogether. Looks (from outside) like you are looking for something to justify the lie/make it ok .. rather than just accepting that he lied to you and then comparing this against your own tick list of what's acceptable in a partner. Not easy when you;re in it though, and glad you're taking time to think be safe Chris
Silly_Girl Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Yet more great musings that FORCE me to look where I would perhaps rather not. :-)
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