Author Mombot Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 I cannot remember what site that little blurb was on- it basically said, ask the spouse what the story is straight up and then decide what you want to do.
NoIDidn't Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I cannot remember what site that little blurb was on- it basically said, ask the spouse what the story is straight up and then decide what you want to do. Okay, that's different, I think than you posted in the OP. I think you said that BS would be asked to decide by the OP, not that the OP was deciding based on what the shell-shocked BS said. But do you really need to speak to the BS to make a decision? One would think, in a healthy R, you could speak to the person you actually are having the R with to get the truth of the matter.
Fieldsofgold Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 If I remember correctly, your MM is separated, right? I think that makes a difference. I think it would be perfectly within your rights to verify the details of the situation. If he has nothing to hide, then there is no problem. If he is being deceitful in some way, then Mombot needs to know it, for her own protection and well-being. IMHO, her well-being comes first here, before the MM or W. She needs to look out for herself in this matter, whatever it takes.
Author Mombot Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 My MM is separated and lives and works in another state from her.
BB07 Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 My MM is separated and lives and works in another state from her. I'm very jaded right now.....if you read my thread, but if I were you, I'd get proof. Verify.......verify and then do it again so you are sure. You don't want to be going through what I'm dealing with right now.
Fieldsofgold Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 My MM is separated and lives and works in another state from her. Then I see no problem with discussing the situation with her. I doubt she would mind, either. I think for your own best interest, you should find out what exactly is going on. I see nothing at all wrong with that. Take care of yourself.
Owl Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 BUT...my question for Mombot is this...what do you hope to happen as a result? MM to end the affair...or MM's wife to end the marriage? What's your "goal" for all of this? And is there a better way to reach your goal? If the intent is to end the affair...you don't have to tell his wife to accomplish this...you can make this happen all on your own. If the intent is to get the marriage to end in order to "win" MM's attention completely, I'd caution you that this is rarely the actual outcome of d-day when everything is brought out in the open. But the base question remains...what is it you want to see change? I wanted to reiterate this question for Mombot, as I think she may have missed it. I think that this is pretty critical for how she proceeds.
Fieldsofgold Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I'm thinking thay what Mombot wants is the truth - or at least both sides of the story - so she can make an informed decision. Mombot, are you following BB07 - HeSaid/SheSaid on the "Have I got a story for you all" thread? The OW and wife talked. And it has been the absolute best outcome for both of them, under the circumstances. After reading their story, especially HeSaid/SheSaid, I am all the more totally convinced you have to talk to the W. "The truth will set you free."
BB07 Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Get the truth Mombot, don't depend on him to give it to you. If I had verified things on my own a long, long time ago, I would not be where I am today. I've been a fool.........get your facts, snoop, what ever it takes. If you find nothing......then don't keep snooping, make your mind up that you are either in or out. Better yet, don't put yourself in this position at all, as everyone says wait till you see divorce papers. It really isn't worth it.
jj33 Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Owl, I see why you disagree but from what I have read of Mombots posts (and I may be reading them incorrectly) I got the feeling that she was planning to do this to win the day or force some sort of progress in his ending the marriage. If she feels she is being lied to and wants to get at the truth, well asking the BS may be one strategy. My personal feeling is you end it and if he comes around with divorce papers you know it was for real. If he doesnt then you know that he wasnt planning to leave. Im not a great fan of telling the spouse tho there are exceptions and BBO7s recent situation proves how useful it can be if the motivations are correct. I think my view on affairs is different in any case. I dont think anyone should stay in an A waiting for someone to leave. I think the only people who should be in As are people who are happy being in an A. Its not in my view an audition for W nor is it a waiting room (waiting for him to leave).
2sure Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Husbands infidelities all came to a head what...10 months ago. Divorce final next month. Have no been living together at all for 2 months and before that shared 2 residences....What I'm hightlighting here is that we've been DONE for awhile. Although we have been keeping it private until its final. About a month ago, I get an email from an OW. Sooo concerned. Telling me that my H contacted her a couple of times since D-Day. That he has feelings for her and wanted a real relationship with her. She just wanted me to know. Well, for those that dont know...my H had lots of OW. 99% of them didnt even know his real name, what area he lived in...nothing. I contacted each of them, including this one, and told them the crazy circumstances revealing his identity to a couple (which was stupid I know) So when she emailed me this time I told her. He IS and HAS been free to see who he wants. FREELY.So am I.We are less than 30 days from divorce. I went on to tell her the reason he hasnt disclosed any of this to her is because he likes the built in safety of marriage. He doesnt have to take her out. He has reason for her to be secret. I told her also that once he was 100% free and our divorce public knowledge and had waited a publicly appropriate time to date...it would never be her. And I'm right. Its not because there is anything wrong her really, its because he is an *******.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I was reading an internet article that said you should contact the BS, let them know yu are in the picture, and ask them if they intend to leave their spouse and decided from there what to do. What do you think? Has anyone done this? I say, even though it would look stupid and territorial for an OW/OM to contact the BS, I say do it. As long as the BS is given the information they deserve to have so they can make an informed decision about their lives.....so be it.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 My MM is separated and lives and works in another state from her. if this is true, then what would be the point of contacting the BS? to gloat?
norajane Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 My MM is separated and lives and works in another state from her. if this is true, then what would be the point of contacting the BS? to gloat? Separated is one thing; actually getting and being divorced is another. Lots of people stay in separation limbo, particularly if they aren't "sure" whether they want to divorce. A separation with no divorce papers filed can last for years. And sometimes, it never goes through because they get back together. And then, of course, there are the men who lie and aren't really separated at all. Traveling businessmen, for one. Company apartment in one town; family home in another.
Author Mombot Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 I guess I'm not used to the gray area, I'd like to know black and white and then make an informed decision.
Fieldsofgold Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 I guess I'm not used to the gray area, I'd like to know black and white and then make an informed decision. You are a wise woman.
Fieldsofgold Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 (edited) Husbands infidelities all came to a head what...10 months ago. Divorce final next month. Have no been living together at all for 2 months and before that shared 2 residences....What I'm hightlighting here is that we've been DONE for awhile. Although we have been keeping it private until its final. About a month ago, I get an email from an OW. Sooo concerned. Telling me that my H contacted her a couple of times since D-Day. That he has feelings for her and wanted a real relationship with her. She just wanted me to know. Well, for those that dont know...my H had lots of OW. 99% of them didnt even know his real name, what area he lived in...nothing. I contacted each of them, including this one, and told them the crazy circumstances revealing his identity to a couple (which was stupid I know) So when she emailed me this time I told her. He IS and HAS been free to see who he wants. FREELY.So am I.We are less than 30 days from divorce. I went on to tell her the reason he hasnt disclosed any of this to her is because he likes the built in safety of marriage. He doesnt have to take her out. He has reason for her to be secret. I told her also that once he was 100% free and our divorce public knowledge and had waited a publicly appropriate time to date...it would never be her. And I'm right. Its not because there is anything wrong her really, its because he is an *******. I can see it now . . . He'll be divorced, and still pretending to his Other Women that he's married! They'll all be thinking they are having an affair with a MM, when really they are NOT! OMG! Edited July 10, 2010 by Fieldsofgold
BB07 Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Separated is one thing; actually getting and being divorced is another. Lots of people stay in separation limbo, particularly if they aren't "sure" whether they want to divorce. A separation with no divorce papers filed can last for years. And sometimes, it never goes through because they get back together. And then, of course, there are the men who lie and aren't really separated at all. Traveling businessmen, for one. Company apartment in one town; family home in another. And............sometimes you think they are in a separation that is going on for years.......and you find out it's a bunch of elaborate lies that will have your head spinning like Linda Blair in the move "The Exorcist"
bentnotbroken Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 I guess I'm not used to the gray area, I'd like to know black and white and then make an informed decision. BLACK= They are separated,not divorced. WHITE= He still has a wife DECISION= ??????????????
Author Mombot Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 That was very concise. Maybe I don't need to know anything from anyone- it's already there.
bentnotbroken Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 That was very concise. Maybe I don't need to know anything from anyone- it's already there. The answer has always been with you. Only you know what it is.
pureinheart Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 I'm not sure. If I has known he was just separated and not divorced when we finally started going out, I might have given her a call, yes. At the moment, I'm wondering if it's a good idea or not. Separated to me says D is the next step...I haven't read the entire thread with all of your responses, although I don't see her as the BS if they are separated...unless he is trying to work things out with her...in that respect I would head for the hills... "Separated" means different things to different people I guess...there was some guys that came out from Florida on per diem to give us a hand...one of the guys tried to hit on me...I asked him if he was M...he said "separated"...I dug deeper to find that he was "separated" by distance and that was it. If he is seeking D, then IMO he will need time to re-group after the D as there is a "death" that has occurred. MB, you seem really cool and I don't want to see you hurt at all...you got my prayers ....k... Oh, BTW...nah, I wouldn't contact her...lots of good fortune to you:)
Owl Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Mombot...is there a reason why you've not discussed your 'goals' in all of this? Have you taken the time to sit down and consider exactly what it is you want to happen out of all this? Sorry if this is being pushy...but it's hard to give someone advice if that person can't tell you what it is that they want. Make sense?
Author Mombot Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 I am trying to decided what my goals and plans are... frm what I can decipher, I think he got tired of the home situation and found employment that would put him out of state almost all year. He did tell me they split everything up once and then didn't finish it. I really like him, but am not too sure what I want here. I'm wondering if I shouldn't be looking for someone else. I did glean the idea to do some snooping from a previous post.
Fieldsofgold Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I am trying to decided what my goals and plans are... frm what I can decipher, I think he got tired of the home situation and found employment that would put him out of state almost all year. He did tell me they split everything up once and then didn't finish it. I really like him, but am not too sure what I want here. I'm wondering if I shouldn't be looking for someone else. I did glean the idea to do some snooping from a previous post. if you're not too sure what you want, I think that is your answer. You are not so crazy about him that you can't live without him. His situation, being separated, is complicated, at best. And the worst case scenario could be really bad. Under the circumstances, given his situation and your ambivalence about the whole thing, do yourself a favor and look for some nice guy who is single and has fewer complications.
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