Mombot Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 I was reading an internet article that said you should contact the BS, let them know yu are in the picture, and ask them if they intend to leave their spouse and decided from there what to do. What do you think? Has anyone done this?
D-Lish Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 I was reading an internet article that said you should contact the BS, let them know yu are in the picture, and ask them if they intend to leave their spouse and decided from there what to do. What do you think? Has anyone done this? Are you thinking of doing this?
bentnotbroken Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Sounds like a winner to me. Would save everyone a ton of trouble.
norajane Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Sounds like a winner to me. Would save everyone a ton of trouble. It sure would if they did it before getting involved with the MM/MW!
Author Mombot Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 I'm not sure. If I has known he was just separated and not divorced when we finally started going out, I might have given her a call, yes. At the moment, I'm wondering if it's a good idea or not.
Fieldsofgold Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 I'm not sure. If I has known he was just separated and not divorced when we finally started going out, I might have given her a call, yes. At the moment, I'm wondering if it's a good idea or not. Is he separated and filed for divorce, separated and considering reconciling, or separated and undecided? If he's already filed for divorce, with papers served on her, it probably really doesn't matter too much. Otherwise, I think it would be a smart idea to ask her. It would really simplify things. There is really no point in both of you sitting around wasting time waiting for the unknown.
norajane Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 I'm not sure. If I has known he was just separated and not divorced when we finally started going out, I might have given her a call, yes. At the moment, I'm wondering if it's a good idea or not. I dunno. He lied to you about being divorced. Do you really need to know more? Isn't that enough to know what kind of man he is? He suckered you in and did it deliberately with a big lie.
Fieldsofgold Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 I dunno. He lied to you about being divorced. Do you really need to know more? Isn't that enough to know what kind of man he is? He suckered you in and did it deliberately with a big lie. You make a very good point. Actually that's the same thing that happened to me. He told me he was divorced. Turned out he had a W. When he got caught he claimed they were separated - They are 'sort of' separated with 'benefits.' AND he also has an OW of ten years' duration stashed in a nearby town. I would never have known all this, but a very creative team of teenagers sleuthed it out and outed him to everyone! Turned out he was a liar of huge proportion. He begged me not to contact his W or OW - he said they might turn violent, no telling what they would do to me. I talked to both of them on several occasions (they called me). At first they were very insulting to me, but in later phone calls they were civil. Overall, I think it was beneficial and enlightening for all of us.
lolapalooza Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Most BS will say to tell, that they have a right to know (and I agree). Most OW will say not to tell, but usually that is because they know that if they tell, their MM will most likely throw them under the bus.
Hazyhead Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Mombot, although I admire the way you are trying to deal with the situation head on, in a way that suits you, not him, I do think it might not be so simple. If you are going to do this, be prepared for a range of reactions. If his wife firmly believes he wants to come back to her, she may not welcome the fact that you are the one to break the news to her. It may also seem like you are the one pushing him to leave and that is something that he could easily play to his advantage - painting you as the husband stealer. It may go well. I honestly don't know. Just prepare yourself. I think it's gutsy of you.
scatterd Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 I would want to know then I would be able to do what I needed to do.I think the wife would be upset but mainly at har husband.At least the OW had enough guts to tell and it would save alot of wasted wondering.
Lady vs Panda Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 I was OW twice. Once I didn't know until he had a D-Day, and I never saw him again, which was fine with me. The other time I knew, but thought the circumstances were other than what they were. When truth came to light for me, I brought truth to light for his wife. In the end, it was good for both of us. Maybe not so good for the MM.
Author Mombot Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 I'm thinking of waiting for my vacation and actually go the 1200 miles to be in the area if she wants to talk face to face, ??
norajane Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 That's how you want to spend your vacation? A phone call will suffice. Then spend your vacation doing something relaxing.
NoIDidn't Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 I was reading an internet article that said you should contact the BS, let them know yu are in the picture, and ask them if they intend to leave their spouse and decided from there what to do. What do you think? Has anyone done this? I actually laughed at the premise of the article. That an OP call the spouse and tell them they are in the picture and basically say "What are you prepared to do about it" sounds very much like they are saying "Game on". Where was this article? I'd like to read it before really responding to the gist of what its purported to say.
JustJoe Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Mombot, I forced D-day on my MW and contacted the H . It worked out pretty well. I found out a lot about their marriage and was able to make an informed decision about the future of our affair. By eliminating the deceit, we were able to focus on solving the problems that were facing ALL of us, and everybody has benefited.
her_halo_slipped Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 (edited) I was reading an internet article that said you should contact the BS, let them know yu are in the picture, and ask them if they intend to leave their spouse and decided from there what to do. What do you think? Has anyone done this? Mombot I personally don't think this is a good idea. I just don't ((((shrug)))). Sorry. I've read your posts. Is this something you really would consider? What difference will it make if she said she would/would not leave him? I think these things are best discussed with your MM. After all if you want a relationship with him beyond his marriage then you should be able to trust him and talk to him right? Edited July 7, 2010 by her_halo_slipped
jj33 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Very very bad idea. Its not your marriage. You have no right to insert yourself into the dialogue. Its very admirable in many areas of life to "go after what you want with gusto" and to be proactive in acheiving your goals. This is not one of those situations IMHO. Mombot I feel for you. To even contemplate that you must be at your wits end with the whole situation and if you know the MM is lying then you know he is not facing the situation head on. But you cant do that for him. And if you do, be prepared that you will be dragging him along by the scruff of his neck for the rest of your time together. If he isnt man enough to decide the future of his marriage and to know that he wants out, then all is lost.
Fieldsofgold Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 If he isnt man enough to decide the future of his marriage and to know that he wants out, then all is lost. I do agree with this statement.
Fieldsofgold Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Mombot, I forced D-day on my MW and contacted the H . It worked out pretty well. I found out a lot about their marriage and was able to make an informed decision about the future of our affair. By eliminating the deceit, we were able to focus on solving the problems that were facing ALL of us, and everybody has benefited. Now that's a man!
Owl Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Very very bad idea. Its not your marriage. You have no right to insert yourself into the dialogue. Its very admirable in many areas of life to "go after what you want with gusto" and to be proactive in acheiving your goals. This is not one of those situations IMHO. Mombot I feel for you. To even contemplate that you must be at your wits end with the whole situation and if you know the MM is lying then you know he is not facing the situation head on. But you cant do that for him. And if you do, be prepared that you will be dragging him along by the scruff of his neck for the rest of your time together. If he isnt man enough to decide the future of his marriage and to know that he wants out, then all is lost. This is a rare case where I disagree with you, JJ. Mombot was inserted into the marriage when the affair began...regardless if that was her intent or not at the time. If she wants to see change...she needs to MAKE change. Telling the BS is one way to go about this. BUT...my question for Mombot is this...what do you hope to happen as a result? MM to end the affair...or MM's wife to end the marriage? What's your "goal" for all of this? And is there a better way to reach your goal? If the intent is to end the affair...you don't have to tell his wife to accomplish this...you can make this happen all on your own. If the intent is to get the marriage to end in order to "win" MM's attention completely, I'd caution you that this is rarely the actual outcome of d-day when everything is brought out in the open. But the base question remains...what is it you want to see change?
norajane Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 I agree with Owl, and I'll add: If your goal is to find out the truth, such as are they actually planning to divorce or are they actually separated...the fact that you even have to go to his wife in order to be certain of the truth should tell you all you need to know about this MM and your relationship with him.
Secure Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Mombot, I forced D-day on my MW and contacted the H . It worked out pretty well. I found out a lot about their marriage and was able to make an informed decision about the future of our affair. By eliminating the deceit, we were able to focus on solving the problems that were facing ALL of us, and everybody has benefited. You must have been single?
Secure Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 I agree with Owl, and I'll add: If your goal is to find out the truth, such as are they actually planning to divorce or are they actually separated...the fact that you even have to go to his wife in order to be certain of the truth should tell you all you need to know about this MM and your relationship with him. EXACTLY. If an affair is not what you want then get out, leave him alone. Tell the wife if you want but you will still be in the same situation, without him.
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