Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 If you consider how quickly you judge men, it only makes sense at least to me, to find another way rather than online dating. Maybe it's time to take courses in subjects that you're interested in, giving you some time to get to know these guys before dating. And in all honesty, I've never trusted online dating. It appears to be full of guys who are cheating. What easier way to find someone on the side, than with a stranger who has no way of verifying who you really are? At least in real life, you can make your judgement call at the outset by gauging body language and facial expressions, as well as hopefully knowing someone who can vouch for his integrity. Yes the cheating has crossed my mind. I worry about that and it would be very easy to hide too.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 Woah. Joined Okcupid few minutes ago and already have 3 messages. And so it goes again
Star Gazer Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Why are you intimidated by men based on their title (CEO, etc.)? I don't understand that?
carhill Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Woah. Joined Okcupid few minutes ago and already have 3 messages. And so it goes again Would you rather get what, none? The whole purpose of being on a dating site is to expose yourself. I could live 10 lifetimes out here in the sticks and no one except the coyotes would even know I exist. Advertising oneself, putting it out there, is a necessity. For a man, not only that but pursuit is required. The only unsolicited messages I got from online personals were from cute girls who were really spammers. You might actually find real live non-intimidating men behind those three messages. You never know until you try. Press flesh as soon as possible. It's far more fun
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 Why are you intimidated by men based on their title (CEO, etc.)? I don't understand that? I just am. It's like I perceive them to be more talented and "worthy" than me and I am afraid that they will examine everything I say under the microscope and find me lacking. This reminds me how once I took the same train as the director of my department. He has been nothing but very nice and kind to me. He always comes to my presentations and compliments me on how well I do. But somehow, because of his title, he intimidates me. He is not even a romantic prospect as he is 50+ and married. Anyway, on that 20 minutes train ride, I was unable to hold a conversation with him. He would ask me something and I would give him yes/no answers. I am cringing just thinking about it. I am the same with very succesful females.
carhill Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 (edited) OP, everyone, even CEO's, look the same with their underwear around their ankles sitting on the john dropping the kids off at the pool (that's American for taking a shyte). Great visual. Next time you feel intimidated, try it. They're no different than you. IME, the hype is far more 'intimidating' than the actual person. Just like us 'normal' people, some are wonderful and some are jerks. It is what it is. Date enough and you'll find one you can love and who loves you back BTW, I learned that visual to deal with my anxiety being in court. After running into enough lawyers and judges in the men's room, I didn't have to visualize anymore, if you know what I mean Edited July 9, 2010 by carhill
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 Another thing that that businessman said last night that really annoyed me: I told him how as a researcher I get to travel a lot and present my papers. (this wasn't really bragging as he was talking his job up for the previous 30 mintutes) I said how I went to Brazil and Hawaii last year, and will be going to Portugal and Canada (Vancouver to be exact) early next year. Plus some more trips within Australia. He asked what we do at the conferences and do we get any time to have fun. So I said yeah, after the day talks are over, we are pretty much free to do whatever we want in the evening. He said sarcastically: "Wow, I am really glad to know where my tax dollars go. For SaCWA to globe-trot and have fun". I felt really
Kamille Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I just am. It's like I perceive them to be more talented and "worthy" than me and I am afraid that they will examine everything I say under the microscope and find me lacking. This reminds me how once I took the same train as the director of my department. He has been nothing but very nice and kind to me. He always comes to my presentations and compliments me on how well I do. But somehow, because of his title, he intimidates me. He is not even a romantic prospect as he is 50+ and married. Anyway, on that 20 minutes train ride, I was unable to hold a conversation with him. He would ask me something and I would give him yes/no answers. I am cringing just thinking about it. I am the same with very succesful females. I think I get it. I've always been defined as being "intelligent" so it's somewhat important for me to generally always sound smart. But, when I'm with people who for some reason I consider smarter than I am, I get nervous and I clam up because I fear they'll figure out that I'm a total idiot. I've since realized that this was a pressure I was putting on myself, and that other people generally didn't see me only as a smart person. It's easier to relate to someone who has many levels than it is to relate to someone who's unidimensional. This is especially true with men. I mean, they appreciate that I can talk about issues in particular ways, but they generally don't care if I say stupid things or decide that I would rather talk about the Bachelorette than talk about the European financial crisis. And if they do, than they're not right for me. Similarly, if the fact that I can get rather intellectual sometimes bothers them, they're not right for me either. I wonder if something similar is going on here. What are your expectations of yourself in those interactions? What image of yourself are you trying to project? Why? Do you really think that's what those successful people are looking for?
shadowplay Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I don't know about this. I live in a big city, and most EVERYONE I know is on match or okcupid or eharmony. I do believe, however, that dating sites are full of men who don't really want a relationship, and are just looking to date, have fun, or get laid. Next, next, next. I don't know about match, but I'd say at least 1/2 of the single guys in my city are on OKCupid. Found one ex and an old crush on there as well. It's pretty funny.
norajane Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Another thing that that businessman said last night that really annoyed me: I told him how as a researcher I get to travel a lot and present my papers. (this wasn't really bragging as he was talking his job up for the previous 30 mintutes) I said how I went to Brazil and Hawaii last year, and will be going to Portugal and Canada (Vancouver to be exact) early next year. Plus some more trips within Australia. He asked what we do at the conferences and do we get any time to have fun. So I said yeah, after the day talks are over, we are pretty much free to do whatever we want in the evening. He said sarcastically: "Wow, I am really glad to know where my tax dollars go. For SaCWA to globe-trot and have fun". I felt really You should have smiled and said, "No different from where your company shareholder's profits are going during your business travel." And you could have added a wink. Kamille has it right, though: This is especially true with men. I mean, they appreciate that I can talk about issues in particular ways, but they generally don't care if I say stupid things or decide that I would rather talk about the Bachelorette than talk about the European financial crisis. And if they do, than they're not right for me. Similarly, if the fact that I can get rather intellectual sometimes bothers them, they're not right for me either. Not everyone will be a good match, and it's not because you are or aren't worthy. It's just the way it is.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 I think I get it. I've always been defined as being "intelligent" so it's somewhat important for me to generally always sound smart. But, when I'm with people who for some reason I consider smarter than I am, I get nervous and I clam up because I fear they'll figure out that I'm a total idiot. I've since realized that this was a pressure I was putting on myself, and that other people generally didn't see me only as a smart person. It's easier to relate to someone who has many levels than it is to relate to someone who's unidimensional. This is especially true with men. I mean, they appreciate that I can talk about issues in particular ways, but they generally don't care if I say stupid things or decide that I would rather talk about the Bachelorette than talk about the European financial crisis. And if they do, than they're not right for me. Similarly, if the fact that I can get rather intellectual sometimes bothers them, they're not right for me either. I wonder if something similar is going on here. What are your expectations of yourself in those interactions? What image of yourself are you trying to project? Why? Do you really think that's what those successful people are looking for? Yes Kamille, this is exactly it. I am very worried that these men are smarter than me and that they will think that I am a "fake", despite my work saying otherwise. I know this ties in to my general low self-esteem. I am trying to project an image of being "intelligent", and I think very hard about every word I say. This generally results in me not saying much at all. But you are right, they probably don't care as much as I think. At work, I feel most comfortable in hanging out with PhD students or recently completed PhDs. It's like we are on the same "level". I realize that this is also kind of silly, since some these people are extremely smart and still young and will probably become heads of department one day
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 An interesting development. I decided to go on a second date with one of the guys I met. What TBF said about cheating was still at the back of my mind so I decided to ask him for his Facebook. I thought if I can check on his status, wall posts, pictures on there and if he is an active user - it will clue me in. Firstly, he didn't reply to my text for about 5 hours. Then, he gave me an e-mail address that when I type it in, doesn't give me any matches. I find this a bit off....and am reconsidering the seciond date now. The LAST thing I need is to potentially fall for someone who is not who he says he is
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 You should have smiled and said, "No different from where your company shareholder's profits are going during your business travel." And you could have added a wink. I thought of saying that, but he said previously that he never goes on business trips. I just think that what he said to me was a dick comment. There were other comments, on what's the point of me doing research if I am not going to cure cancer Just tells me that he doesn't have much understanding of what research is all about.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 An interesting development. I decided to go on a second date with one of the guys I met. What TBF said about cheating was still at the back of my mind so I decided to ask him for his Facebook. I thought if I can check on his status, wall posts, pictures on there and if he is an active user - it will clue me in. Firstly, he didn't reply to my text for about 5 hours. Then, he gave me an e-mail address that when I type it in, doesn't give me any matches. I find this a bit off....and am reconsidering the seciond date now. The LAST thing I need is to potentially fall for someone who is not who he says he is So he finally added me to Facebook. Only to find that in the last 24 hours he has changed his relationship status from "it's complicated" (WTH is that anyway) to "single". At least he doesn't seem to be in a serious relationship as a lot of his friends commented on the status. I have also found on his profile that he is heavily into sci-fi. As in he wears the costumes and goes to conventions etc. I am SO not into that. Back to the drawing board I guess
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 I am all set for second dates with 2 men I have met in recent weeks. I figure I need to give things more of chance, rather than discarding them right away.
Star Gazer Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 I have also found on his profile that he is heavily into sci-fi. As in he wears the costumes and goes to conventions etc. I am SO not into that. Back to the drawing board I guess You liked him enough to FB friend him, and now you're writing him off over something so superficial? Doesn't really make sense when you say this right afterward: I figure I need to give things more of chance, rather than discarding them right away.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 You liked him enough to FB friend him, and now you're writing him off over something so superficial? Doesn't really make sense when you say this right afterward: Well SG, he is one of the guys I am going out with again. I gave it some thought yesterday and decided that I write people off too soon.
Star Gazer Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Well SG, he is one of the guys I am going out with again. I gave it some thought yesterday and decided that I write people off too soon. I didn't realize you changed your mind in those 28 minutes between posts. Looked like you had written him off. But I'm glad to hear you're keeping an open mind.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 I didn't realize you changed your mind in those 28 minutes between posts. Looked like you had written him off. But I'm glad to hear you're keeping an open mind. No, no, he is the one I meant in my post 28 minutes ago (I guess it didn't sound that way). I changed my mind since my yesterday's post. Even at the point of yesterday's post I wasn't sure what to do and was just getting my thoughts out. I think that the real problems with him are 1) my possible lack of physical attraction and 2) him being quite shy and serious. So tomorrow night, I am looking to see if he can open up a bit more and have a laugh and also to gauge my physical attraction to him again.
Gero Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 No, no, he is the one I meant in my post 28 minutes ago (I guess it didn't sound that way). I changed my mind since my yesterday's post. Even at the point of yesterday's post I wasn't sure what to do and was just getting my thoughts out. I think that the real problems with him are 1) my possible lack of physical attraction and 2) him being quite shy and serious. So tomorrow night, I am looking to see if he can open up a bit more and have a laugh and also to gauge my physical attraction to him again. That's cool that you are open to giving a guy another chance.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 That's cool that you are open to giving a guy another chance. Bonus points for him were that he told me few days ago that he will call me today at time X to let me know if he had managed to make reservations for this restaraunt for tomorrow night. And he called today within 2 minutes of time X. I really appreciate that. I hate it when guys don't call when they say they will and call 5 hours later. It might not be a big deal to some, but it is to me.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 Are you open to giving him a blow job? He is fine with taking things slow physically - we talked about it. We kissed on the cheek after 1st date
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 I have also been chatting to another (NEW) guy on OKCupid for the last 2 days. He is 39, so a bit older than I would like but he is HOT. He seriously looks like an older version of TBF's H He also seems to enjoy discussing topics such as unrequited love and such, which men tend to not like talking about (except on LS of course). He comes across as having a bit of depressive/dark side so we are similar there. He wants to meet next week.
Star Gazer Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 He also seems to enjoy discussing topics such as unrequited love and such, which men tend to not like talking about (except on LS of course). He comes across as having a bit of depressive/dark side so we are similar there. He wants to meet next week. Sounds like he's desperate. Totally inappropriate online dating topic...
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