The love of my life is going so wrong!

[ezjohn]

This is my very first post here so I hope I can get some great help and a handle on my very screwed up relationship with my great girlfriend of 5 years. So getting out of college I started dating this girl who has a 3 year old boy, she was not my type at all, mainly because I didint have any kids. The boys father was not in his life at all so this made it much eastyer for me. She was in her early 20's and I was in my late 20's, we fell hard in love within weeks. We come from two way different economic backgrounds and this caused some issues but we for the most part worked through with fights and lots of love.

 

We have broken up once in this 5 year period about in the middle because of built up problems. I quit all contact with her and she ofcourse started dating a great guy who turned out to be a real ******* two months later. I made a call to her and brought her flowers while she was on the outs with him and some how we got back togather. I was very happy to be back with her and she was also. The little 3 year boy was now 5 and calling me dad.

 

So 4 years later she has my first son ELI who is now 1 and a half years old. Things were very up and down right before eli was born, but after he was born things stabilized and I took all of us camping down in the Florida keys twice to try and gain some solid family time with all of us, the baby, the now 7 year old, the lady, and my self. Now for my mess up.

 

I took a girl out on a date right before ELI was born, didint have sex, but was more like a week of hanging out and dinner out one night while my lady was out of town. It ate me up inside so I called it quits before things went any further. She never cheated on me as far as I know.

 

So last May things went very down hill, my lady started sleeping on the couch and I didint care about me at all, Arguing started around april and at that point I remember saying to myself that I didint care if she left me at all. I was sick of her and she was sick of me, and we have kids and are not married. So one morning in late may she says she wants to go out by her self, i wanted all of us to go togather and bitterness filled the air like never before. I knew it was comeing, she takes the kids and leaves me after a bitter arguement. We didint talk for a week, I called her because I missed the kids, she came over and we ended up having sex and it was the same old feeling, like nothing has changed.

 

Next week i text her to get a few things off my chest that will have to come out before we go further. She comes over and I admit to seeing this other girl while she was out of town, we didint have sex and it was a one time date but she went mad. She threw her keys at me and jumped on me. After this bout was over I asurued her that is was nothing but a small date, and she was treating me like **** at the time and it was only a hang out thing. 2 more weeks past and she now has a new guy. She text me during a text arguement saying he treats her like she is the best thing in the world. I cant believe this, its been maybe a month and she has already found a new guy! Lots of text aruging went on.

 

Last week she came over and one thing led to another and we decided to make a fresh start, she said she was now with this other guy and her things were at his house. It was tough for me to take but I did, guy is no where near the guy I am. Anyway, So she went to get her stuff from his house and came back to mine after a long talk with this guy. She didint bring her stuff back at all, she sat down and told me that she has decided to stay with him, and that she needs time.

 

I know that she is missing me, she tells me, but mabe not much because of this guy she is living with. My kids are now living at his house and I get them on the weekends, he has told her he does not want her to go in my house and for her to not to go to any counseling with me. Today he told her it would be disrespectful if I met her and the boys at the water park after she wanted me to come out, and also said that it would mess the kids heads up. Personaly I dont think this new guy (who has no kids at all and is 25) is prepaired to deal with her with me in the picture. She told me that she has alot of love for me but the fire is gone. I had my first weekend out with my friends in 5 years and the next morning she sends me a picture of her in my iphone. I know she misses me alot, she always ask if im dating yet, why? I am somewhat but I dont tell her.

 

So, after alot of thinking I have never treated her well, like emotionaly well, i have been a great father, a great provider, but never treated her like a girl loves to be treated. Its taken me along time to admit this to my self, I told her mother this, and even aplogized to her mom in a very long sit down talk, I also told my mom this, and even aplogized to my own mother for years of bad treatment. It's taken so much out of me, and ofcourse i aplogized to my girl 5 times through tons of texting. Now here we go again another night apart.

 

I want to marry this girl, she was ready to get married also, I love her so much! Now here we are being torn apart, she is already living with another guy so quick, I want her and the kids back, So what is my next move? i want to text her and tell her i miss her now but mabe this is just what i dont need to do. All you pro's Please help!

Edited July 7, 2010 by ezjohn

[ezjohn]

We talked through text late last night and we went back and fouth a bit on when and how often I can get the kids. She said that I should get my 1 and a half year old every other weekend. I'm not liking the sound of watching my son grow up 4 days a month. I didint grow up in a broken family and I dont want to start.

 

So I told her that I am forever changed and I will treat her like gold. I just want us all back togather. She listened and said the new guy she is with makes her feel so good, leaving him would be hard to do. She said they cook togather and he cooks for her. I wish I was a better cook, looks like she is very happy.

 

And its hard to believe she just met this guy 3 weeks ago, and we broke up 5 weeks ago.

[Married_and_Lonely]

Please do what you can to put the kids stability at the top of your priority list. This dysfunctional situation where the mom basically keeps waffling between you and the other guy is unhealthy for the kids.

 

My inclination would be that you ask her once and for all to pick you or the other guy - it sounds as if she'll pick the other guy. But tell her you're going to move on and you won't be her fall back guy anymore, which it sounds like you've been before. I think she likes having you as her safety net, but that's not healthy for you.

 

If she picks the other guy, then respect her decision, move on, but still try to be in your son's life. Unfortunately, since you weren't married, I don't think you have any legal rights to see your child.

[mark982]

quit chasing her, you're feeding her ego. can you honestly say that she met this guy that quick and moved in? sure sounds like he was in the picture long before she's telling you. even though you're not married if your paying c.s. you have legal rights to see your child. keep all your text messages about your child, no more,no less.

[seibert253]

She's playing you and is gonna keep playing you as long as you allow it.

 

Stop being her fall back on. That's what you are. Think about this; at night she's laying in bed next to this other dude, while your sleeping alone. The next day your talking, with her saying she needs "time" to "figure out" what she wants.

Come on dude, she knows what she wants, she's laying in his bed at night doing things with him that used to be reserved for you.

 

Mad and pizzed yet, good. You should be. Now use this to your advantage.

 

Stand up for yourself and stop putting up with this sh#t. IMO you need to force her hand. Goes a little something like this:

"I've waited long enough for you to decide what you want. You need to make a decision, me or him. I will no longer accept that you need time, or your confused. I will expect your answer tomarrow". Then have no further conversation until the next day. Then the next day, insist she decide. IMO you an her are done. Hate to break this to you, but if she really wanted to be with you, she would, and right now she's not.

 

You deserve much better without her, than residing in your current limboland.

 

Peace and Good Luck

[ezjohn]

She meet this guy a about a month ago and moved in with him last week, and yeah things sure have moved fast. Today she has been here at my house moving all her and the kids stuff out. It crushing, but i have been nice and held back from saying anything that would spark any harsh feelings and she has been nice also, I feel that alot is on her mind right now.

 

My mom told me last night that since my exgirl says she still loves me, to just back off and give things time and thats all I can do. This younger single guy she moved in with is not going to be able to deal with me in the picture, and with my son involved I will be in the picture for the next 17 years.

[ezjohn]

Today was interesting, she came over to finish getting all her stuff and the kids stuff out my place. Her first trip over was ok, i sat at the kitchen table while she got stuff out the kitchen, not so much to help, but just to feel things out.

 

The second trip back over things fired up a bit, I just told her that the kids were my main concern and that i didint want to argue much. We still had some slightly heated words but mostly me just telling her that I was completely done with her, she just wanted to go tic for tac so I just left the room. Things cooled off and I went in the kitchen just before she left the house, she seemed different, made lots of eye contact. I just told her that all the fights and stuff were something that I would never take back and that they were great. Were not so great at the time, but looking back I would no change a thing. All the times I was flat ass broke just getting out of college when I struggled to pay our bills, well those were ok also. Her eyes watered up and then I said "What are you going to do when this guy does not work out" She replyed "When that happens I deal with it then"

 

And one last thing, I suspected that she may have cheated on me with this new guy. My BS alarm has gone off before with the way things have been so quick to change. No, I'm almost dam sure that she has been with this guy just under 4 weeks, so she was not seeing him like I suspected again.

 

I made it clear that I want the kids every weekend, this will wear thin with her new guy so I'm wondering how this will play out in weeks to come?

[Iconoclast]

And one last thing, I suspected that she may have cheated on me with this new guy.

 

Bingo.

A mom with kids just up and exits, without a safe place to land? Unusual.

 

Get a lawyer and see what parental rights you can exercise.

And go dark. Only contact with her should be about your child. For your own sanity.

[Married_and_Lonely]

It sounds like you're using the kids as pawns as a means to a) have a reason for her to see you more and b) to annoy the other guy she's with with the hassle of you hanging around in their lives.

 

Kids are not pawns. I don't see alot of concerns being written here about the kids. Do you want to be a good father and role model for them or are you just using them? Remember, kids are fragile and innocent, and unless you want them to grow up with major dysfunctionalities and have trouble with relationships and school, you need to protect them and give them stability.

[Iconoclast]

Wait, what? Using the kids as pawns...nonsense. They are his children, one by blood the other by being a dad. She took his kids away to live with a stranger.

[ezjohn]

You know, I went to the gym today and did my thing, it's about the only way I can keep from zoning out with wild thoughts. What the hell did I do to deserve this? The texting thing is still going on, thats a hard one to break, how the hell does she (not) feel what I'm feeling. She must be going through alot or maybe not.

 

Whats up with this rebound relationship stuff thats all over the net? The theory seems to be right to me, but I now know that she met this guy the last week she was with me. So this cant be the case here.

 

I just want to forget all this is happening, but tonight, I have to clean up the house from her mess today, while she moved her stuff out in front of me and the now 8 year old. It was putting pressure on the little guy, she tried to slap him a few times after our conversation. She was pist off, but held it in, until trevor refused to leave the kitchen. Yeah, she was not wanting to be there today.

 

Also, all this after I started my first compainy, it even made it through when the market tanked awhile back. Takes the drive out of me, but yet she is sailing through work every day, and did well in school last week. Is her drive being depressed? I hate to end things on a sour note but is now the time to shut down all texting unless for the kids? It not easy as it seems,

[stillafool]

I wouldn't be surprised if your ex wasn't already seeing this guy also. She meets a guy and moves in with him within a span of 5 weeks? She moves her kids in with a guy she has only known 5 weeks?????? What, she can't be without a man? Why didn't she do the responsible thing and wait and give her children enough time to get over losing their dad before she moves them in with a stranger? She sounds needy as hell!

[ComputerJock]

Do the 180 and work on yourself. If she comes back she will be a different person and you will always imagine her having sex with the other guy. You will never trust her again. She cheated on you with him and cheated on him with you. Your relationship is over.

[ezjohn]

She sounds needy as hell!

 

^^^^^ Thats what I'm saying, she met this guy right when she moved out, maybe a week after. She moved in with him last week but has been staying at his house off and on for the past 3 weeks. The kids, I know for a fact were staying at her sisters apartment until a week ago. Like I said in the opening, first we went into a week or two where we didint want to be with eachother. She was just the first one to decide to date, It would have taken me a alot more hell before I would have done it, if I ever would.

 

She is a very pretty young girl who is around alot of people. She took a 3 month class for her new job over at a tech college. This is where she just decided to make other friends when we were beff'in.

 

I just cleaned the apartment out with a full sized cargo van so I wont have to look at all the stuff, It's is a strong reminder of our past. I didint burn pictures or mess with the kids room at all, that stuff that needs more careful handling.

 

Let me tell all you great people who are helping me through this some about my self and maybe you guys can help me with my new direction. I'm 32 years old now, I have been hitting the gym hard since 27, I have the most cut up body that I will ever have in my life! I just went down to Miami and bought a 30 foot center console, I have 2 grand in the bank at any time, I own a construction compainy, I own a new 1 ton consturction truck, I rent an apartment and pay out atleast a grand a month to live there.

 

I think I'm ditching the apartment next week and getting a different place for a few months, and maybe looking into buying a house, that would be a great move and confidence builder. I feel I need to be in a downtown place, or something closer to the night life. I'm selling the boat for a quick 20 grand next week. I cant stay in this apartment another night. Has anybody ever felt like this???

 

Is this our proving grounds or is this BS? My mom says i need to stay cool and that this will pass, and ya know, atleast my exgirl is not like me right now and going out to clubs and bars hunting. Been drinking like a fish lately, up to around 12 heavy drinks a night on the weekends.

 

Thanks everybody for all the great input, this has been a long relationship and we have kids involved, and it taking a hell of a toll on me. Keep all your postings harsh or soft, I'm learning from all of them, Keep it comeing, thanks

[Iconoclast]

John, again. Consult a lawyer. Legally establish your parental rights now.

What if she takes up and moves to another state? It'll be much more complicated.

 

She ran off with your son, who do you want him to call daddy. You or the other guy?

Heck, she will probably hit you for child support soon. Don't be surprised.

[ezjohn]

John, again. Consult a lawyer. Legally establish your parental rights now.

What if she takes up and moves to another state? It'll be much more complicated.

 

She ran off with your son, who do you want him to call daddy. You or the other guy?

Heck, she will probably hit you for child support soon. Don't be surprised.

 

^^^^ Calling it how you see it eh,

[ezjohn]

Man, i tell ya, with everything I got rid off out this place, the better I already feel, I may as well sell the sofa's on craigslist tomorrow for some extra cash. It amazing how stuff holds memories.

 

Thanks for the great postings keep them comeing, I'm learning a ton from you all.

[seibert253]

Dude you need to contact a lawyer YESTERDAY.

 

You really need a legal custody agreement.

 

BTW, if you haven't done so, you really need to end ALL contact with her unless it involves you kid.

You will not heal and move on until you let her go. You haven't done that yet.

[ezjohn]

Contacting a lawyer today, thanks

[ezjohn]

I got a text at 8:30 am saying "ARE U STILL GETTING THE BOYS FRI OR HAVE U CHANGED UR MIND"

 

I would not miss them for the world this weekend. I dont know what the change your mind is all about, everybody knows how I take care of my kids, my mom was a first grade art teacher so kids and family is more important than anything to me. She must be trying to piss me off with the "changed your mind part" Does she think we are still playing games?

 

This site is such a powerful tool, I'm very glad I found it, thanks!

[ezjohn]

I forgot my to mention that my dad is a cop and my younger cousin just got out of law school. I just past all this info to them and they have given me full backing of any cost, they are indeed ready for war in the court room. I have papers to sign in a hour for a emergency court hearing because this has happened so quick. Looks like I will get full custody of my youngest son but may lose all custody of the now 8 year old.

 

Because my ex comes from a poor and broken family she will not stand a chance.

 

I hope I am making the right move here, after all she did take the other kid from his father at the age of 1. He didint have the smarts or money to do anything, and if she was capable of doing that to him then there is a strong chance that she may try the same with my son by taking him from me.

 

I know all this will blindside her, I told her long ago that my family would never go for these type of actions. She made her bed, now I hope she is ready to lay in it.

[Iconoclast]

John. That is excellent.

Remember. I know it hurts, but at this point this is not about your relationship. You don't have one. She does, and it is with someone else.

Your only concern, as difficult as it may be, is the children. You have to push everything else to a corner of your mind to be dealt with later... Because time is critical.. and thank the stars you are thinking rationally and moving quickly.

 

She made her bed indeed. But be prepared, there is a whirlwind of a freakshow heading your way, and you're going to have to go Vulcan and lose your emotions. It's good that your dad is a cop, cause these things can get freaky.

 

Good luck, keep us updated. We'll support you.

[stillafool]

Yes John, a new place to live will do you wonders. I remember when I was single when I had a breakup I would change everything starting with my phone number. I understand since you have kids you can't do that but even if you don't move out you should get rid of everything that reminds you of her. Like Iconoclast said, at this point don't be concerned with her and what she feels or is going through, only concern yourself with your kids and healing.