is my view of marriage an uncommon one?

[LittleTiger]

First off, I don't think I am living in a fantasy world. I am very well aware that not many people share my beliefs.

 

Second, I think the problem is that my beliefs about marriage are rooted in a very strong belief in God and my religious faith. This is why my mother always tells me I'd have to find a man in church who shares the same belief I do. I think the difference between me and most people is that my marriage vows are not just between me and my future husband, but also between me and God, and due to my strong religious faith, it would be nearly impossible for me to divorce except in the case of abuse or adultery (which are Biblically acceptable reasons for breaking a marriage vow).

 

I don't know what will happen between my bf and I. I love him very much, and I believe that he loves me. Maybe marriage will not be in the cards for us. We've already been engaged and broken up for about six months due to some pretty extreme circumstances (not related to this).

 

I honestly don't know what I will do regarding marriage in my life. But it is definitely a concern of mine. The good news is that he is on the same page as me as far as taking things slowly.

 

Sorry stace I didn't mean to imply that you're living in a 'fantasy' world, just that your expectations are unrealistic because life NEVER goes as planned. It's great to dream and expect the best and I would be the first to congratulate you if you found what you are looking for. It does exist I'm sure, but it's rare enough that most of us have given up hoping - and I'm saying this despite being in an LDR with my perfect man. I am certain we'll last forever but then I thought that last time so who knows.

 

I'm not religious but I think if 'abuse' is an acceptable reason for divorce then there is your 'get out clause'. Most broken down marriages are abusive in some way, it's just a matter of interpretation. In the UK at least, one of the grounds for divorce is 'unreasonable behaviour' which is what I filed for. It covers just about any behaviour that would be considered unacceptable to most people and unacceptable behaviour can be considered abusive.

 

So you've just taught me something I didn't know. Divorce is allowed in religious marriages. Thank goodness for that. Otherwise there would be a lot of unhappy people out there.

 

I'm sorry if I sound very negative, it isn't my intention. I believe in love and I believe we should all keep looking for that perfect fit. I also think it's a good idea to be aware of the likely pitfalls - and with marriage there are many.

 

I wish you well in your LDR. Maybe I'll see you on the LDR board sometime.

[stace79]

Sorry stace I didn't mean to imply that you're living in a 'fantasy' world, just that your expectations are unrealistic because life NEVER goes as planned. It's great to dream and expect the best and I would be the first to congratulate you if you found what you are looking for. It does exist I'm sure, but it's rare enough that most of us have given up hoping - and I'm saying this despite being in an LDR with my perfect man. I am certain we'll last forever but then I thought that last time so who knows.

 

I'm not religious but I think if 'abuse' is an acceptable reason for divorce then there is your 'get out clause'. Most broken down marriages are abusive in some way, it's just a matter of interpretation. In the UK at least, one of the grounds for divorce is 'unreasonable behaviour' which is what I filed for. It covers just about any behaviour that would be considered unacceptable to most people and unacceptable behaviour can be considered abusive.

 

So you've just taught me something I didn't know. Divorce is allowed in religious marriages. Thank goodness for that. Otherwise there would be a lot of unhappy people out there.

 

I'm sorry if I sound very negative, it isn't my intention. I believe in love and I believe we should all keep looking for that perfect fit. I also think it's a good idea to be aware of the likely pitfalls - and with marriage there are many.

 

I wish you well in your LDR. Maybe I'll see you on the LDR board sometime.

 

Thank you. It is just disheartening to hear so many people talk about how easy it is for a marriage to fall apart. I don't like that so many people treat marriages like cars -- they switch them out every few years or so!

 

I'm hopeful -- but I'm also scared that I'll give all of my heart to somebody just for him to break it and leave b/c things get hard. I know marriage will be hard -- heck, my parents cheated on each other and everything, and had justifiable reason to get divorced, but they didn't and now they're going on 43 years! And both are happy they stuck it out in the long run.

[D-Lish]

I do not feel that meeting a man in church guarantees that he will be any more loyal, committed or faithful than meeting him in a bar quite frankly...

 

 

Agreed.

 

My parents Minister actually left his wife for a member of his congregation.

Being religious doesn't designate character, nor does is negate being human.

[AVR1962]

Stace79, in reference to your original post (I didn't read any replies) I think it is wonderful that you have that committment as I think couples should before they marry. My husband and I have been together for 21 years, we are both close to 50 and have raised 5 children. There's been so much tragedy inside our marriage that I had no way of predicting and as much dedication and committment I have had towards my husband, the marriage and the family, it all has taken a toll on my mental health. I too don't believe divorce is the answer but things to get messed up along the way sometimes. If people had the thought that things 'would' go wrong, I don't think we'd marry. It's blind faith that we can make it and the love we feel for our partner that makes us feel we can have the dedication for a lifetime. I think you probably have some good moral standards and that is very important in any marriage. I wish you the best!

[Els]

I can actually see your point of view in both statements.

 

As a father of 5, my kids better give way too much consideration to who they are marrying.... But at the same time, don't waste years deciding whether to get married or not. Marry for the right reasons. Have the best of intentions. "Make your marriage the best example around, even better than the one me and your mom showed you (not that tough I guess... lol). Don't even think that divorce is an option..."

 

But at the same time if one of my kids was in an abusive relationship, was married to an addict, or had been unhappy for many years, divorce may be an option. After you have thoroughly worked through the issues, then you can look at dissolving the marriage... other factors prevail too - children? Your partners desire to work at it, etc...

 

If divorce was truly not an option one may go a good portion of their lives unhappy and/or feeling like they are in a prison of their own making...

 

I think this is very, very well said.

 

While I think that far too many people take marriage too lightly (OMG she gained 30 lbs, I deserve better than that!, etc)... there is indeed no guarantee that the person you know 100% now will not change drastically. What if one of you goes through a car accident that leaves you disabled for life? What if one of you goes through a mental illness that doesn't respond well to medication? What if you lose a child due to one second's carelessness on one of your behalf? No matter how well and how long you know someone, can you guarantee that you will know your marriage will survive that unscathed?

[LittleTiger]

Thank you. It is just disheartening to hear so many people talk about how easy it is for a marriage to fall apart. I don't like that so many people treat marriages like cars -- they switch them out every few years or so!

 

I'm hopeful -- but I'm also scared that I'll give all of my heart to somebody just for him to break it and leave b/c things get hard. I know marriage will be hard -- heck, my parents cheated on each other and everything, and had justifiable reason to get divorced, but they didn't and now they're going on 43 years! And both are happy they stuck it out in the long run.

 

I know how you feel stace. I grew up in a family where divorce just didn't happen - and not because the marriages were perfect. I have to say we are actually lucky these days, because if somebody treats you badly, you have options. Not so long ago (and still today in other cultures) women especially don't have that choice.

 

It's true there are some people who are blase about marriage and divorce but I think if you have a look through the separation and divorce section on LS you'll see there are plenty who aren't. Although posts on there can be quite depressing, it might actually help you to realise that a lot of people don't take the decision to end a marriage lightly. There is a lot of pain and anguish involved in divorce, even for the partner who chooses to leave. Life and relationships are tough.

 

I hope when you do give your heart to someone (if you haven't already) that he will treat you well and stick by you. The difficulty is, as somebody said earlier, you can't choose to fall in love with someone just because you want to. Just because they have the right character and morals and the same beliefs as you do doesn't mean you will find them physically attractive or become emotionally attached. The heart has a mind of it's own and most of us follow our hearts in to marriage.

[stace79]

Stace79, in reference to your original post (I didn't read any replies) I think it is wonderful that you have that committment as I think couples should before they marry. My husband and I have been together for 21 years, we are both close to 50 and have raised 5 children. There's been so much tragedy inside our marriage that I had no way of predicting and as much dedication and committment I have had towards my husband, the marriage and the family, it all has taken a toll on my mental health. I too don't believe divorce is the answer but things to get messed up along the way sometimes. If people had the thought that things 'would' go wrong, I don't think we'd marry. It's blind faith that we can make it and the love we feel for our partner that makes us feel we can have the dedication for a lifetime. I think you probably have some good moral standards and that is very important in any marriage. I wish you the best!

 

 

Thanks.

[stace79]

I hope when you do give your heart to someone (if you haven't already) that he will treat you well and stick by you. The difficulty is, as somebody said earlier, you can't choose to fall in love with someone just because you want to. Just because they have the right character and morals and the same beliefs as you do doesn't mean you will find them physically attractive or become emotionally attached. The heart has a mind of it's own and most of us follow our hearts in to marriage.

 

I agree that we can all fall in love with someone who is not right for us, but that is why people need to think with their heart AND their head. That's why so many young women get into trouble -- they get all excited and they're too young to know any better.

[xxoo]

My bf mentioned a few times that it is possible to meet and fall in love with someone else even though you are committed/married, and if that happens, then obviously you weren't "meant to be" with your SO. I think that is crap.

 

Again, my opinion: if you're committed to someone or married, and you meet another girl/guy to whom you're attracted, you should avoid that person to avoid intensifying those feelings. You don't allow yourself to spend time with said girl/guy, because you're committed to your partner and "forsake all others".

 

I don't agree with your judgment of the aunt. You give acceptable reasons for divorce (cheating and abuse), and you just never know what goes on behind closed doors. How do you know she has not suffered on or both?

 

That said, I would NOT marry someone who expressed your SO's views on meeting someone new while married. I absolutely agree that it is the responsibility of the married person to "water" their primary relationship, and "starve" any attractions to others. I would never marry someone who believed that falling in love with another "just happens". I need my partner to feel and ACT responsible for his own choices and behaviors.

 

As for divorce in general--I am much happier with a high divorce rate than a high rate of married, abused women. I'd rather err on the side of too many divorces than the alternative. For me, personally, I am sticking with my (nonabusive) H to the end

[Woggle]

I see your point about abused women but it is mostly non-abusive and faithful men who are getting dumped because she fell out of love. Like I said before it is mostly the husbands who don't bend over backwards for their wives who are staying married. The type of men feminists claim divorce liberates women from are the ones who are for the most part not getting divorced.

[Samantha0905]

In discussing marriage with my LDR bf, this topic has come up several times. It started when his aunt, who was married for about 20 years and had two teenage children, just "revealed" to her husband (my bf's uncle) that she had been unhappy for many years and wanted a divorce.

 

I think this is totally unacceptable. My opinion is this: when you choose to get engaged and be married, you are choosing to commit your life to your partner. That means you darn well better know them before you marry, because with the exceptions of cheating or abuse (or death, obviously) you are stuck with them forever. You will obviously both grow and change throughout life, but regardless, you are committed to that person.

 

It may not be acceptable in your eyes or right or fair -- etc. -- but it is something she can do. I don't know the particular situation or why she is unhappy and there's no way you can know either. In any event, it's a step she can take. Marriage is not a prison in this country.

 

My bf mentioned a few times that it is possible to meet and fall in love with someone else even though you are committed/married, and if that happens, then obviously you weren't "meant to be" with your SO. I think that is crap.

 

That may very well be a red flag for you.

 

Again, my opinion: if you're committed to someone or married, and you meet another girl/guy to whom you're attracted, you should avoid that person to avoid intensifying those feelings. You don't allow yourself to spend time with said girl/guy, because you're committed to your partner and "forsake all others".

 

This is true and if we all did that there wouldn't be any affairs being had. Unfortunately, people are not perfect and do not always make the right decisions. If someone is unhappy in a marriage and they meet someone who they feel flattered by, it isn't likely in real life they will make the decision you just outlined. They may. They may not. I've often said here (in hindsight) it's a slow process being drawn in by temptation. It sneaks up on you.

 

My mother says that my view is based on my religious upbringing and also because intense loyalty just runs in our family.

 

Many people who end up having affairs go into a marriage with that same thought process.

 

It seems that not many people -- especially not men -- share this point of view on marriage/commitment, and my mother also says that to find someone sharing that loyalty I'll need to marry a man I meet in church. Problem is, I no longer go to church.

 

How does everyone else feel about this?

 

Your mother is assuming you will meet someone with whom you are "equally yoked" and if shared beliefs means something to you -- it's not such a bad idea. You don't have to go to church to meet someone who shares your beliefs however.

 

Many people go into a marriage with good intentions and with the hopes of happily ever after. Having met my husband at 14, married him at 21 and now having been married almost 28 years -- I know without a doubt there is no way you can know what the future holds. Try to choose wisely when you choose a partner and hopefully the two of you will have the kind of sticking power it takes to stay married until death do you part.