Having feelings for friend's husband

[LoveISnature]

I am currently married, and only have been for six months. My husband is loving and supportive, and we treat each other very well. Although we have a strong emotional relationship, I have never been interested in him sexually [we have sex, it's just not "hot" to me, and I used to be a very sexual person]. Nonetheless, I am happy with our commitment to one another. Sex is important, but not everything. We are humans, and not animals, so I just deal.

 

Anyway, I am sharing this background information because it may or may not affect the issue I am about to share: I am in love with my best friend's husband. I can't stop fantasizing about how sexy he is, making out with him, etc. I know that this portion would imply that I am in LUST with him, and not in love, but it goes deeper. I think part of the reason I was so attracted to his wife [my friend as a friend] was because I loved spending time with her husband. He is so interesting, talented, sweet and fun. He has so many wonderful qualities. I actually think HE might be my best friend, and not his wife, but it is just not socially acceptable for it to be that way. We hang out as couples all the time and I have never been alone with him. I facilitate us hanging out so much because I look forward to being with him as much as possible. He makes me so happy.

 

I have never cheated and I am against doing so. I feel like all people make choices, and I choose to respect my husband, myself, and my friend by not making any moves. However, I have a deep urge to share with my friend's husband my feelings for him; I feel like I need to get them off my chest. Should I? It's eating me inside!

 

Just a reminder: I am not planning on leaving my husband, or breaking up my friends' marriage. But, I feel so deeply compelled to share my feelings with this guy. I would let him know I am not suggesting an affair, I just kind of want him to know that I love him, and want to know how he feels about me. I know he loves me as a friend, but I HAVE to know if its something more! I don't know why! What should I do?

[Owl]

So, here's what I see as your "options".

 

1. Pursue what "could be" with this guy... Of course, that means ending or destroying your marriage, and his. It also assumes he's willing to do so with you, which may or may not be the case. Odds are high that your 'friendship' with his wife will be over as well.

 

2. Remove the temptation... That means breaking off contact with him. Stop fueling the fires of (whatever it is) by spending time with him. It might require an explanation to your H as to why you no longer want to be around him and his wife...but that's still better than cheating, yes?

 

I get that you're ATTRACTED to him. You might even be on the edge of OBSESSING over him.

 

But love...that takes emotional investment. If you're already at that point...then file for an annulment now.

 

Right now is when your marriage is supposed to be at it's BEST...and your focus is totally on someone else instead. This doesn't bode well for your future, unless you spend some serious effort figuring out why you're feeling this way and learning to do something about it...NOW.

 

What happens when this guy comes to visit 3 years from now when the shiny newness of the marriage is gone????

[xxoo]

However, I have a deep urge to share with my friend's husband my feelings for him; I feel like I need to get them off my chest. Should I? It's eating me inside!

 

Just a reminder: I am not planning on leaving my husband, or breaking up my friends' marriage. But, I feel so deeply compelled to share my feelings with this guy. I would let him know I am not suggesting an affair, I just kind of want him to know that I love him, and want to know how he feels about me. I know he loves me as a friend, but I HAVE to know if its something more! I don't know why! What should I do?

 

NO!

 

Do NOT tell this man. That would be incredibly unethical and unfair, to both your H, your friend, AND your friend's husband. That is HER husband, and burdening him with your sexual thoughts is highly inappropriate.

 

If you need to get your sexual feelings off your chest, why not share them with YOUR confidante and sexual partner--your husband? He may be hurt (or he may not), but he will be less hurt than if you tell the OM, or have an affair. Strong relationships are built on strong communication, and sometimes the most important (relationship saving) conversations are the most difficult ones to have. And, importantly, sharing these kinds of crushes goes a long way to "defuse" them, making them more manageable.

 

How committed are you to your marriage and friendship? Your actions mean more than your words.

[SoulStorm]

Just wanted to point out to you a couple of things, you say this:

 

I facilitate us hanging out so much because I look forward to being with him as much as possible. He makes me so happy.

 

This means you purposely plan to see him which doesn't go along with this:

 

I have never cheated and I am against doing so. I feel like all people make choices, and I choose to respect my husband, myself, and my friend by not making any moves. However, I have a deep urge to share with my friend's husband my feelings for him; I feel like I need to get them off my chest. Should I? It's eating me inside!

 

By purposely planning to see him you are disrespecting your husband. The person you should tell all this to is your husband.

Not your potential affair partner, because that is what he is and will be if you continue the way you are.

I am not being mean by saying this, but your intention to tell him is all based on selfish reasons.

You want to know if he feels the same about you.

 

What good will that do? Give you more reason to facilitate more meetings with just you and him?

 

If you are trying to get closure on this..there is none. This is a slippery slope to a potential affair if your"crush" doesn't put you off if you tell him.

 

I know few men who will turn down a woman who claims to be in "love" with them. knowing he can get something from her.

 

You are fooling yourself if you think otherwise..you can't even trust your own feelings. Here you are, married to a man who has no idea you are in "love" with his best friend and you want to see if the best friend has feelings too?

 

What about his wife, his children if they have any?

 

What about your husband and kids if you have any?

 

What you need to do is confess this to your husband, you two need to work as a family unit because part of it(you) is breaking down and needs attention before the whole marriage is destroyed.

 

Want to see the consequences that could happen? Go to www.survivinginfidelity.com and read the Just Found Out forum. That could be you and your husband.

[LSNoob]

I have never cheated and I am against doing so.

 

Errr...?? But your story you just told us says you cheated. Is this some kinda "blah blah... NOT" joke??

 

Oh, and nice name "LoveISnature";). Is that what people, with no class, morals or dignity, been saying to justify their cheating.

[stillafool]

You say you don't want an affair but want him to know how you feel about him and you want to know how he feels about your (other than friendship). What do you hope to gain by exposing your feelings?

 

You should stop hanging out with this couple because you even admit you are using his wife (your friend) to be near her husband. This is highly inappropriate and if you want to tell someone how much you care for this man you should tell your husband. But please stop hanging out with this woman only to be close to her husband.

[vestigalvirgin]

OP I think you need individualized therapy as well as marital counseling.

[bentnotbroken]

I am currently married, and only have been for six months. My husband is loving and supportive, and we treat each other very well. Although we have a strong emotional relationship, I have never been interested in him sexually [we have sex, it's just not "hot" to me, and I used to be a very sexual person]. Nonetheless, I am happy with our commitment to one another. Sex is important, but not everything. We are humans, and not animals, so I just deal.

 

Anyway, I am sharing this background information because it may or may not affect the issue I am about to share: I am in love with my best friend's husband. I can't stop fantasizing about how sexy he is, making out with him, etc. I know that this portion would imply that I am in LUST with him, and not in love, but it goes deeper. I think part of the reason I was so attracted to his wife [my friend as a friend] was because I loved spending time with her husband. He is so interesting, talented, sweet and fun. He has so many wonderful qualities. I actually think HE might be my best friend, and not his wife, but it is just not socially acceptable for it to be that way. We hang out as couples all the time and I have never been alone with him. I facilitate us hanging out so much because I look forward to being with him as much as possible. He makes me so happy.

 

I have never cheated and I am against doing so. I feel like all people make choices, and I choose to respect my husband, myself, and my friend by not making any moves. However, I have a deep urge to share with my friend's husband my feelings for him; I feel like I need to get them off my chest. Should I? It's eating me inside!

 

Just a reminder: I am not planning on leaving my husband, or breaking up my friends' marriage. But, I feel so deeply compelled to share my feelings with this guy. I would let him know I am not suggesting an affair, I just kind of want him to know that I love him, and want to know how he feels about me. I know he loves me as a friend, but I HAVE to know if its something more! I don't know why! What should I do?

 

 

Yes, you are in emotional lust

 

Yes, you should share your feelings....with YOUR husband.

 

Yes, you should tell your husband how he makes you feel(or not)sexually.

 

And yes, you are not a good friend at this point. You fanatise about her husband. Thoughts lead to actions if you let them linger and take hold. And it looks like you are in for the long, painful haul.

[Mimolicious]

Sex is important, but not everything. We are humans, and not animals, so I just deal.

 

IF that is is true, the how do you explain this?

 

 

I can't stop fantasizing about how sexy he is, making out with him, etc.

 

I think part of the reason I was so attracted to his wife [my friend as a friend] was because I loved spending time with her husband.

 

With "friends" like you, who needs enemies??!!!

 

 

We hang out as couples all the time and I have never been alone with him. I facilitate us hanging out so much because I look forward to being with him as much as possible. He makes me so happy.

 

Try not to either. I am afraid of what would happen...

 

He makes you so happy?! He's your friends H and you have your own spanking new one.

 

 

I have never cheated and I am against doing so. I feel like all people make choices, and I choose to respect my husband, myself, and my friend by not making any moves. However, I have a deep urge to share with my friend's husband my feelings for him; I feel like I need to get them off my chest. Should I? It's eating me inside!

 

Sounds like you are bout to embark the the "Affair Boat" and soon you'll be eating your friends H. I think you want to dish out your feelings hoping that they are reciprocated. You'd may be surprised, your friends H may not want anything to do with you after you tell him.

 

 

Just a reminder: I am not planning on leaving my husband, or breaking up my friends' marriage.

 

Why don't we ask your H is he's willing to stay married to you after you tell him you sitting there jonesing your friends H while you all play cards??? Let's see what his decision is.

 

I HAVE to know if its something more! I don't know why! What should I do?

 

Ok, so if you "HAVE" to know then I guess you are not really asking us what "should you do" then. What you really want to ask is "How should you do it"?

 

Please, don't be foolish... I think you should start by telling YOUR H how you feel about HIM, rather than telling your FRIENDS H how you feel about him. Your H is the one is invested in this R, not someone else's H. Spare yourself the drama and keep it real with your H. After all, he's the one that you owe loyalty to not your buddy's man.

[strawberrysprinkles]

Maybe you should apply to be on Wife Swap. Here's the application.

[Bryanp]

You have only been married for 6 months. This is so unfair to your husband. Do your husband and yourself a huge favor and file for an annulment. Your marriage was a big mistake. Allow your husband to find someone who truly cares and loves him and does not lust after another married man just 6 months into the marriage. This is so bad on so many levels.

[Spark1111]

You are so newly married to be feeling this way about anyone other than your husband.

 

I conclude you married a "nice" guy, but that won't sustain a long term relationship. Maybe you married for the wrong reasons?

 

Maybe you should not be married.

[Dexter Morgan]

I am currently married, and only have been for six months. My husband is loving and supportive, and we treat each other very well. Although we have a strong emotional relationship, I have never been interested in him sexually [we have sex, it's just not "hot" to me, and I used to be a very sexual person].

 

maybe having sex with the same person for too many years is not your thing?

 

 

I have never cheated and I am against doing so.

 

you already are cheating on him if you are looking forward to spending time alone with this other guy and have the feelings you do. Whether the BF H thinks it is or not, its an EA.

 

 

I feel like all people make choices, and I choose to respect my husband, myself, and my friend by not making any moves. However, I have a deep urge to share with my friend's husband my feelings for him; I feel like I need to get them off my chest. Should I? It's eating me inside!

 

 

ya sure, go ahead and share your feelings. You KNOW why you want to do this. Because you want more than friends. You think that if you tell him something that you desperately want to happen, just might.

 

 

Just a reminder: I am not planning on leaving my husband, or breaking up my friends' marriage.

 

well what do you think the possible outcome would be if you declare your feelings for the H? And what if he tells his wife this?

 

 

But, I feel so deeply compelled to share my feelings with this guy.

 

why?

 

 

 

I would let him know I am not suggesting an affair, I just kind of want him to know that I love him, and want to know how he feels about me.

 

OMG, how old are you? The only reason for telling is the hopes that something will happen, no matter how much you say that isn't the case.

You are secretly hoping he will feel the same and that he might suggest that you see each other secretly. Otherwise there is absolutely NO reason to tell him anything.

 

 

I know he loves me as a friend, but I HAVE to know if its something more!

 

why? only 2 answers and you can take your pick.

 

1) so it can eat you alive even more

 

or

 

2) so that he makes a pass at you and an affair starts, then you can be one of those people that come and say, "but I didn't intend for this to happen":rolleyes:

 

 

I don't know why! What should I do?

 

if you have no kids, get a divorce. Your husband doesn't deserve someone that pines away for other men and wants to announce it to them.

 

ya ya, I know, you don't want to divorce your husband...I guess he is just stuck with someone like you and doesn't realize how bad he has it.

[Dexter Morgan]

You have only been married for 6 months. This is so unfair to your husband. Do your husband and yourself a huge favor and file for an annulment.

 

only 6 months?? Absolutely, get an annullment!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Fight4Me]

OP I think you need individualized therapy as well as marital counseling.

 

I concur with this wholeheartedly. I know you are just "bursting" to share your feelings with your friend's husband, but this is such an incredibly bad idea, especially if you sincerely want to stay married.

 

You are so newly married to be feeling this way about anyone other than your husband.

 

I conclude you married a "nice" guy, but that won't sustain a long term relationship. Maybe you married for the wrong reasons?

 

Maybe you should not be married.

 

Also agree. Something really isn't right here. It's natural to find other people attractive, even six months out from your wedding day, but to believe you are "in love" with someone else isn't normal. By the way, the fact that you feel this strongly for someone else, even though it's only one sided right now, means you already ARE in an A... an emotional one.

 

Get to a therapist before you end up making the biggest mistake of your life. After you talk it out, you can decide what you need to do about your marriage then. In the meantime, limit the contact with this other couple, preferably to none.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

You are in limerence. It's not love, it is biophysical IMO.

 

My guess is that this describes your feelings to a 'T'... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence.

[spriggig]

...I just kind of want him to know that I love him, and want to know how he feels about me. I know he loves me as a friend, but I HAVE to know if its something more! I don't know why! What should I do?

 

Oh, you "just kind of"?

 

I'll narrow your choices down a bit:

 

1. Put your pants back on, shut the FCK up and work on your marriage and, more importantly yourself.

 

2. Divorce your husband and try to chase butterflies with the MM. See how far that gets you. You know, the grass is greener over the septic tank.

 

You'll notice cheating isn't one of the options, as you say it isn't for you. So, stop talking like a god damn cheater, grow up, and pick one of the above.

[seibert253]

I am currently married, and only have been for six months. My husband is loving and supportive, and we treat each other very well. Although we have a strong emotional relationship, I have never been interested in him sexually [we have sex, it's just not "hot" to me, and I used to be a very sexual person]. Nonetheless, I am happy with our commitment to one another. Sex is important, but not everything. We are humans, and not animals, so I just deal.

 

Anyway, I am sharing this background information because it may or may not affect the issue I am about to share: I am in love with my best friend's husband. I can't stop fantasizing about how sexy he is, making out with him, etc. I know that this portion would imply that I am in LUST with him, and not in love, but it goes deeper. I think part of the reason I was so attracted to his wife [my friend as a friend] was because I loved spending time with her husband. He is so interesting, talented, sweet and fun. He has so many wonderful qualities. I actually think HE might be my best friend, and not his wife, but it is just not socially acceptable for it to be that way. We hang out as couples all the time and I have never been alone with him. I facilitate us hanging out so much because I look forward to being with him as much as possible. He makes me so happy.

 

I have never cheated and I am against doing so. I feel like all people make choices, and I choose to respect my husband, myself, and my friend by not making any moves. However, I have a deep urge to share with my friend's husband my feelings for him; I feel like I need to get them off my chest. Should I? It's eating me inside!

 

Just a reminder: I am not planning on leaving my husband, or breaking up my friends' marriage. But, I feel so deeply compelled to share my feelings with this guy. I would let him know I am not suggesting an affair, I just kind of want him to know that I love him, and want to know how he feels about me. I know he loves me as a friend, but I HAVE to know if its something more! I don't know why! What should I do?

 

You want this guy to "love you" too, and deep down inside you do want to have an A with him. You are just unwilling to acknowledge and admit this.

 

"your not SUGGESTING an affair". That doesn't sound like your dead set against the idea to me. What if he "suggests it". Does that mean it's OK?'

 

Look you know this is wrong, you know your feelings toward your friend's H are wrong, but your fishing us, expecting someone to tell you it's OK to see if he feels the same. Well, it's not OK. It' not OK for either of you to feel that way toward each other

 

Does you H know how you feel? Bet not. Here's your true test. Tell your H everthing you just wrote us. If he's OK with it, then have at it. But IMO he's probably gonna be really hurt and upset and knock you off your pedistal.

[norajane]

I feel like all people make choices, and I choose to respect my husband, myself, and my friend by not making any moves. However, I have a deep urge to share with my friend's husband my feelings for him;

I guess logic isn't your forte. I'll make it simple for you: telling this guy how you feel IS MAKING A MOVE.

 

Clear enough?

 

Here's more info: GET A DIVORCE. You don't love your husband and you are setting him up for a lifetime of misery.

 

And more: If you tell this man how you feel, he's going to tell his wife and his wife is going to bitch-slap you until you can't see straight enough to crawl home. And then she's going to tell your husband. Hell, she might bitch-slap you in front of your husband. And then you're never going to see this wonderful "friend" of yours again.

 

Even if he doesn't tell his wife, which he will, he is going to stay away from you like you have the plague, leprosy, and body odor combined. Because he has no interest in you. MM who are interested in other women actually pursue them, try to get them alone, and talk to them about how unhappy they are in their marriages. This guy is doing none of those things.

 

So, go ahead. Tell him how you feel. That will set everything right.

[Daniel89]

Problem with this world is a lot of people consider their own feelings first..

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Problem with this world is a lot of people consider their own feelings first..

 

 

Perfectly said!

[rubberguard]

wow, this is what scares me about marriage.

 

but why he is so enjoyable? what are his many talents?

 

I say get a divorce and marry someone who you find talented and enjoyable. your husband sounds like a loser, albeit one for whom I already feel a bit of sympathy.

[spriggig]

... Hell, she might bitch-slap you in front of your husband. And then you're never going to see this wonderful "friend" of yours again.

 

I would pay a dollar to see this. Verily.

[LauraPV]

So I pretty much agree with everyone that this poster is in the wrong, should probably get an annulment, and should stop looking at other men while she's in a relationship but is there really a need for all the flaming?

 

A lot of these posts are just bitter and mean.

 

Why can't we have a civil, adult conversation? Why resort to name-calling and the like?

[LSNoob]

So I pretty much agree with everyone that this poster is in the wrong, should probably get an annulment, and should stop looking at other men while she's in a relationship but is there really a need for all the flaming?

 

A lot of these posts are just bitter and mean.

 

Why can't we have a civil, adult conversation? Why resort to name-calling and the like?

 

 

I know, I know Laura. What can we do?

Truth hurts, and that's one of the facts in life.

 

And I don't think its name calling ( not like we accusing her of things she isn't ). We were giving her names based on her actions. For example;

If a man is flying an airplane ( his actions ) then we call him a pilot.

If a man is driving a car ( his actions) then we call him a driver.

If a man is sailing a ship ( his actions) then we call him a sailor.

And so and so and so.

If a person is acting like a female dog, then will be called some names.