CleverName Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 (edited) Hi, I am kind of confused by the treatment I recently received from a friend. We are not BFFs or anything, but we definitely have hung out. We are both adult women, platonic. She is a bartender in a pub I frequent. We became friendly this past winter, have been out for drinks, dinners, moives, general hanging out. We shared pub gossip and stuff but I try to keep that to a minimum as the neighborhood pub can get to be a bit dramatic and as she is a bartender there she gets involved. But. I noticed the past two times I went in for a drink and some food that her attitude to me had become chilly. I have texted, facebooked and called her a couple of times with short responses and then last evening she was downright rude and a bit nasty to me when I went in for a sandwich. She didn't chat with me, made a few unnecessary comments, for instance, when she gave me my check, there was only one sheet from the register, not the one where you add the tip (I choked on that) and I simply said, I need the other part! to which she very coldly responded, 'It's still printing, I KNOW HOW TO DO THIS'. Well Snap My Buzz! So I sent her a private FB message that said I was very taken back by how she treated me and as I have no knowledge of having offended in any what that I was really curious as to why she felt it necessary to treat me so rudely. Would you have asked, or would have simply figured that a light friendship had run its course? I could have asked her in person but really she was so rude and I was more comfortable asking via writing. I could just let it go, but for once I want to know what makes a person just turn off to you so abruptly. Any thoughts? Edited July 6, 2010 by CleverName
Ronni_W Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Me, personally...yes, I would have asked. I also think it was smart of you to not ask at the time that she was clearly out of sorts towards you. Under the circumstances, I think how you've done it is mature, assertive and self-protective. All good things, in my books: Nothing "wrong" about handling a difficult/awkward situation in the way that is most comfortable...and still gets the job done maturely and assertively. If you don't hear from her, or you get more 'attitude'...then, yes. She's not the right type of person to have "in your corner". She may be perfectly lovely, but she's not coming across as someone who can be as supportive and encouraging of you as you deserve from your friends. IMO.
Author CleverName Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 (edited) Thank you for your reply Ronni. I am really trying to become more assertive and to recognize and enforce my own boundaries so having some feedback is so valuable for me. I know I'm not imagining her chilliness which is why I included the example behavior. Also, it was really hot outside yesterday and I had just returned from a weekend at the beach. It was late afternoon and the pub was pretty empty. I ran into two of the other regulars and they were watching the TV a little. One of them asked for the remote to change the channel but then couldn't find anything so fooling around I said 'put on General Hospital' and the guy did. The bartender friend came over and made a few nasty comments about how NO ONE WATCHES GH IN A BAR and she wasn't busting my chops, she was nasty about it. And really, the guys and I had some fun goofing on the soap opera so they didn't feel that way, just her. I have really been trying since being broken up with some months back, and I am a bit sensitve, but for once I wanted to know. I'm not expecting her to repsond and I do expect more chilly treatment as it seems it is her way. Thanks for reading! Edited July 6, 2010 by CleverName
vintagecat Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 It's upsetting to be either frozen or ignored out of a friendship unilaterally without explanation but unfortunately that's normally how it's done without maturity, without empathy. Chances are good that this person may have heard or been led to believe something that isn't factual/true that initiated the freezing out and sadly you may never be able to right the injustice. Given that this was a friendship of some duration and that you will have continued contact, I would have asked. Not that you will likely get an answer. You will probably never know the reason for this sudden change of heart. Not giving you the benefit of a doubt before getting "chilly" indicates that her mind is made up, facts or no facts. Even if she were to explain (or allow you your moment) would you be able to go back to easy friendly communication or interaction? Probably not as you would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Having recently been cut off of a "couple" friendship that has absolutely mystified me, I understand completely what you are dealing with. Best of luck to you and hopefully you will meet a better people to call your friends. Cat
Author CleverName Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 (edited) Hey Cat, thanks for your feedback. I agree wth you-I will probably never get an answer to this. I of course haven't gotten a reply and I figure that if it was no big deal then she would have replied in some way. And if someone accuses you of being rude and you don't answer it pretty much confirms that you don't give a #!!$% what the person is feeling. (as in your notation about lack of empathy) And no, I don't see myself wanting to hang out again with someone who treated me like she is the fifth grade bully. I'm glad I called her on it though and I probably don't really want to hear her reasons anyway; more drama, more nonsense. And there is no way I am going to allow her to keep me from my local pub; I will just have to go in there and act like she is just the bartender. It is the one place I can go by myself and always know someone. Bartenders come and go; regulars are FOREVER! Have a great day! Edited July 7, 2010 by CleverName
H1N1 Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Some people are just not mentally well-adjusted. She might have deeper psychological issues which have absolutely nothing to do with you. I think you did the appropriate thing: ask what's up, but don't go beyond that. You obviously know you did nothing wrong, so let her sort it out. As for friendships, I don't officially end them - ever. Well, maybe if a friend screwed my wife or something, I might, but otherwise, I let them continue. Sometimes people just go through stuff and it's not clear what's happening. Sometimes people turn into a-holes or maybe the inner a-hole was there all along and it surfaced. But I don't declare the end of a friendship. I just put as much distance between us as necessary until it's clear one way or the other where things are headed.
Lipsy10 Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 I have been threw both sides of this as A the friend who was dupmed and B the friend doing the dumping. I can tell you that when I was cutting some friends lose most of the time it was for a valid reason. Mostly they were toxic relationships. However I have ended a friendship with a girl simply because I just didn't want to hang around with her anymore. I know that sounds terrible as she had done nothing wrong. The thing is after afew years we just grew apart, we had different lives and I had nothing to say to her. Unfortunatly she didn't feel the same so I did what your ex-friend is doing and just "phased her out". i.e stopped ans her calls,facebook...etc. BUT I was never rude or aggressive to her and if I did see her on the street I was always polite. It sounds to me like she just wants you out of her life so shes trying to intimidate you so you wont keep going to your local. DONT let her get away with it. The next time shes rude ask her straight out "whats your problem??" No matter what she says make it clear this was your local long before she came along and your not going anywhere so if she doesn't like it she can go! Furthermore let her know if shes rude with you again you will make a complaint to her manager. And mean it!!
Author CleverName Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 As for friendships, I don't officially end them - ever.... But I don't declare the end of a friendship. I just put as much distance between us as necessary until it's clear one way or the other where things are headed. Right! I figure that it is better to have an acquaintance that you can meet for a drink or something than to turn hostile. I've had friendships that fade away and its all good and we're Facebook friends and I don't expect them to ever be more anymore. That's why I kind of would like to know what precipitated all of this but I'll let it go and chalk it up.
Author CleverName Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 However I have ended a friendship with a girl simply because I just didn't want to hang around with her anymore. I know that sounds terrible as she had done nothing wrong. The thing is after afew years we just grew apart, we had different lives and I had nothing to say to her. Unfortunatly she didn't feel the same so I did what your ex-friend is doing and just "phased her out". i.e stopped ans her calls,facebook...etc. BUT I was never rude or aggressive to her and if I did see her on the street I was always polite. Yes, I have even considered that I am just not her cup of tea but can't imagine why she felt it was okay to talk to me like that, yikes. Well, I will just be crisp and professional with her lol. Or hope that the other bartender is working!
green_tea Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Just to add what hasn't been said - if you wanted a reply, accusing her of anything probably wouldn't have been the best way to go about it. Something more like that you noticed a change in her, and have you done anything to upset her. I've cut friends out before, and the reason to me seemed crystal clear, I expected them to know why I wasn't treating them the same - but it's always possible they have no idea. Granted you say you don't want the drama anyway - but just to satisfy your curiosity as to what happened, a less accusatory tone might have helped. Just my 2 cents anyway.
Author CleverName Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 I hear you GreenTea and I have considered that I should not have out and out accused her. But I think I recognized that this 'friendship' was pretty much over and her xtreme nastiness negated my trying to feel her out. There wasn't any ambiguity in her demeanor towards me and no ambiguity in my message to her.
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