brokenamy Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 (edited) My husband and I have been separated since November and after a rollercoaster of hurt, pain, anger and any imaginable emotion (and him leaving his rebound) we have decided to not give it a try but get back together and make our marriage work. Not for the kids (played a huge role) but because we still love each other. The thing is we've moved back in for only 4 days and I am afraid to "mess up" specially with the guilt he is carrying over the woman he was dating while we were separated. She calls and texts all the time and just begs him to take her back. He usually ignores her but every once in a while I see him Texting her back. He is very honest with me about her and the issues she carries (abused, dated thugs, had her son taken away, etc...) and he is afraid for her because he says that while we were separated she was there for him and he was helping her change and now that he's left, she goes back to her old ways but tries to get him back with pity and sympathy. How can I make this relationship work and get us past this stage? Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance. Edited July 6, 2010 by brokenamy
Scrybe Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Can you elaborate a little more on why you two separated to begin with? I think that would help others to give you their advice based on their own experiences. In general though I would suggest you and your husband focus on what went wrong to begin with. In my experience much of it has to do with the lack of good communication and the failure of couples to deal with old pain and fears that they brought into the marriage. If you both don't deal with your own pain and fears and then work together to heal then you'll constantly live in fear of "messing up". Trust me...he won't think about the other woman if he loves you and sees a real solid future for the two of you. My wife and I were separated for almost 2 years before getting back together for good. During those 2 years we did reconcile for a few months but it all fell apart. I just wasn't ready because I hadn't dealt honeslty with myself and her. The women I dated were still on my mind and though I didn't communicate with them....I was struggling not to. Later one when we got back together it was different. I just didn't have any interest in any one else. What she had to offer me was exactly what I wanted and needed. It took a lot of work to figure out what I wanted and it took a lot of work to communicate that to her and it took a lot of work for her to figure out if she had it within her. As it turns out she did. Same went for me. Two years later I've never been happier. We started dating 6 years ago and the last 2 years have been the best. It's been the first time that I've been in relationship and never even thought about another woman. Another point: While separated from her I was initially excited. I dated and slept with whoever I wanted to whenever I wanted to. It was great...at first. But the more women I hooked up with the more I realized I was comparing them all to her. Nobody was good enough. Eventually I struggled to keep interested at all. I figured I was just done with dating and needed to focus on other things. Months later she and I reconnected and suddenly I had feelings (emotional and physical) that I hadn't experienced in so long. So...it turns out that I wasn't dead inside. It also turned out that I still loved her very much and it took all of that to realize it.
Author brokenamy Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 Essentially we were very young when We got together. He was jealous and controlling and I as immature and insecure. His worst fear was that I'd leave and mine that he would cheat. After discovering that he was spying on me (for no reason other than his insecurity) I left (I know, wrong move) but essentially he tried to get me back for 6 months and I didn't get the space to think plus it didn't help that all my family was telling me to just move on. Well when he finally let go (and didn't call me for 3 days) I broke down and asked him back. But by then, he was too angry and already seeing someone (for a week) well anyway, we talked, cried, yelled, explained, let go, held each other, made love and finally went to counseling and now we are back into the same house.
stillafool Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Why don't you tell the other woman to stop calling your husband because the two of you are back together?
jenifer1972 Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Your huband LOVES the attention and fawning of a "new" woman and he is reluctant to give it up. Who cares what what the other woman thinks or whatever.! She's a big girl, she'll figure it out. She messed up her life, its her job to get out of the trouble. She's trying to pull him in to being codependent with her. I would tell him in no uncertain terms that if he wants a chance with me, she is OUT. TOTALLY OUT. FINITO.! There is a poster here, can't remember who, who has a great saying..."we teach people how to treat us". Very true.
Scrybe Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Listen - spying on you is just not okay. Period. You have a right to privacy and deserve a little respect. It doesn't matter if you have something to hide or not. He doesn't get to violate that privacy and has to understand the concept of trust. That's where it starts. If he can't do that then I strongly suggest you take a step back, a deep breath and rethink things. Just read some of the posts of older couples who wish they could go back in time and change a few decisions...namely who they were to marry. You are seeing huge red flags. Pay attention to them. Essentially we were very young when We got together. He was jealous and controlling and I as immature and insecure. His worst fear was that I'd leave and mine that he would cheat. After discovering that he was spying on me (for no reason other than his insecurity) I left (I know, wrong move) but essentially he tried to get me back for 6 months and I didn't get the space to think plus it didn't help that all my family was telling me to just move on. Well when he finally let go (and didn't call me for 3 days) I broke down and asked him back. But by then, he was too angry and already seeing someone (for a week) well anyway, we talked, cried, yelled, explained, let go, held each other, made love and finally went to counseling and now we are back into the same house.
Iconoclast Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 His worst fear was that I'd leave and mine that he would cheat. Wow. Talk about self fulfilling prophecy. This relationship does not get better until she's out of the picture. No contact. Period. You left because he was spying on you? That's extreme. So why was he spying? Did you do anything that would make him suspicious?
tnttim Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I've been reconciling with my wife for 7 months now. It's still a rollercoaster ride, but I think all Marriages are. 2 mistakes that people make, one, way too nice, and two, can't forget the past. Don't fall into either trap. If you are way too nice, he will get bored and he will walk all over you. The second is self explanitory. Just try to have fun, like you are dating someone new. Do new, different things, go different places, variety is the spice of life. Also remember that arguments are part of a healthy relationship, don't be afraid to disagree with him, or stand your ground when he's being illogical. As for the OW, who cares if he talks to hear, he has made his choice, be happy it was you.
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