smk Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 What I fail to grasp is how we the dumpee’s get the brunt of the pain and emotional roller coaster. We go through everything from anger to guilt, and bargaining (read begging) to acceptance, and everything that you can manage in between. Yet we are not the ones that deserve it. Is this the price you pay for loving someone unconditionally and making them the centre of your universe? Is this the price that we have to pay for wanting and hoping to find someone that we hope loves us and cares about us as much as we do about them? If yes then why would anyone want to fall in love I ask you? Because no matter what that feeling of being in love with someone, that feeling when you look into their eyes see the joy, that feeling you get when they utter those 3 words, the current that flows through the core of your being when you kiss them is worth it. I know that this is going to sound like a very contradictory post but I need to say it… Basically here I am (a dumpee) stuck in a rut. I keep on going through every emotion you could possibly think of and then some more… I have days, moments filled with anger and resentment, and some days are completely down in the dumps. Today for example I just want to break NC and phone her and speak to her and tell her how I feel, hell even suggest that we both elope. I know that this will do no good, because she has made her mind and chosen her fathers way and I know that all it will do is inevitably push me further down the dark pit in which I already am. Yet all I ask is that why do we have to go through all the suffering and pain and heartbreak, while they get to get on with their lives as if nothing has happened? What the h*ll did we do so wrong to deserve all of this pain. Fair enough if you are someone who cheated and then got dumped, you my friend deserve worse, but for those of us that did nothing to deserve this it is a sheer nightmare. I guess I am just ranting on but hey this helps….
hurt and devastated Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 The reason they can move on so easily (usually) is because they have already checked out emotionally from the relationship. They have already been through the hurt and most of the time are past it. This goes for my wife. She checked out in March after she told me she was considering a separation, and didn't have much emotion for the next 3 months I was there. I know it's hard to see them looking and acting "normal" when you're going through Hell but a lot of the time that's why.
drutten Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 There is one small advantage to being the dumpee, and that is that the breakup is not your choice, so you don't have to take responsibility. You probably blame yourself anyway, so that isn't much consolation, but at least you don't need to feel guilty. Like most people I've been on both sides and they're both devastating. I broke up with my ex-ex after a sequence of bizarre conflicts that we couldn't resolve, I suppose because we couldn't communicate. She was really hurt, I missed her and kept racking my brain over what I might have done differently to save the relationship. Then I met the most remarkable person I have ever known. I fell for her completely. We got along extremely well, but she didn't find my attractive for whatever reason and went back to her ex. For two years after the breakup we maintained a close friendship and worked together as well. It was pure hell. Two nightmares. I think about them both pretty much all of the time.
Author smk Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 have anyone been at that point where you have thought of some really negative bad thoughts about your ex - such as they are a liar, a cheat, blah blah blah, and then all of a sudden felt really guilty that you are doubting and could think of them on such a low level - I have and trust me it makes takes me a an ever lower low.... just thought I would share that....
selena_cat Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 yes i thought and still think he's a callous S. O. B.,it will get better,its hard i know,but you have to commit to getting through this,read inspirational books,talk to a trusted friend or counselor,this is about you,not the one that left. You are right,why go through falling in love giving yoru heart and get nothign in return,thats not a way to go,but this happened to me more than once and i am sick of it,not being bitter,but reality is reality.
Author smk Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 yes i thought and still think he's a callous S. O. B.,it will get better,its hard i know,but you have to commit to getting through this,read inspirational books,talk to a trusted friend or counselor,this is about you,not the one that left. You are right,why go through falling in love giving yoru heart and get nothign in return,thats not a way to go,but this happened to me more than once and i am sick of it,not being bitter,but reality is reality. she wasnt like that - i mean i dont think that she ever intentionally hurt me - its just at times I get some really cruel thoughts in my head and I try and put her down and straight after I feel like crap. she was the first girl I have ever loved - i never believed in the whole concept of love and the institution of relationships and marriage and then she came into my life and like a flask of lightning my views changed and I changed and for what to have my heart broken into a billion little pieces. what i miss is the companionship, the little things she used to say to me (she always called me beautiful)...
Ilovecake Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Without pain and suffering you would not know joy. Maybe it's a lesson we all have to learn so that we are more compassionate towards each other.
leftyright1 Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 i've been through both a few times and I can say that in the beginning, its usually much worse for the dumpee - feelings of sadness, guilt, resentment, self-esteem plunge - can be feelings people have and I've had... but they WILL go away with time. the dumper on the other hand likely will be OK in the near term and could be fine in the long run but usually also feels a lot of remorse, guilt, and sadness, especially after a few months of being alone kick in. and if they really did love you, a lot of anguish can come to them - especially if you've moved on when they finally see the light. crazy how that happens and it feels like a cruel, cruel, joke - being on both sides. sometimes i almost wish i was in an arranged marriage like some other cultures - you then don't have any choice and make the best of the situation together with a clear purpose and intent - growing a family together.
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