This "No Contact" thing??

[gobbleguts]

I understand what "No Contact" means, but how do you effectively apply it after 2 months of separation and you have 10mo old baby with her? We've had limited contact so far with 99% of it being initiated by me. I've also heard of the 180 thing, does that work in this situation?

[habs53]

Yes it does work. Its really hard to do however when you have children. It brought my sanity back. I still have a few hard days. Hang in there.

[gobbleguts]

Wow, It's amazing to me that you were the one that replied to my post. You see, the reason I got an account with LS was because of you. I saw your struggles and even talked to my brother about them. I thought, "If habs is healing from his nightmare, I just might be able to as well".

 

What do you do regarding the NC thing regarding your son? I notice that you have him more than she does where the opposite is true for me.

[habs53]

First of all if you are not doing the no contact start right now. Dont wait another minute.

 

Well lets just say its not easy. I only see her when i pick up my son or she comes here to do the same. We do not verbably speek. Only by txt and its very short.

I was a complete wreck at first. Didnt eat, couldnt sleep nothing. As time passed, i slowly came around, much in part to this forum and a special person on here. I have made some slips, but im human. I am really doing this for me and not to put us back togethter. You will find however, there is a fine line where you can start offering some possitve talk. Not to much. Have a great day at work, ect. My wife really responds to this. Stuff she has not heard words from me in a while like that.

 

I now find that my personality has changed in general. I am more likeable and other people have responded. You will realize that you can live without the other person. They will realize that as well. I have heard so many cases where the person that got dumped realizes they are better off moves on and has a great life. They other, realizes to late what they have done. So basically over time, they are the one that got dumped. So sad to bad for them. It happens all the time.

 

Oh by the way, 180 and no contact is the same thing.

Edited July 6, 2010 by habs53

[gobbleguts]

Thank you very much for the quick response. I have started NC and my wife just sent me a pic. message via cell phone of our daughter standing while holding on to the tv stand. I had to call for details, I maybe shouldn't have but I kept it short and sweet and ONLY about our daughter.

 

My whole separation started because of xanax problem on my part. I was abusing medication that was prescribed to me and I made ALOT of stupid financial decisions and lied about them. I used her credit card without asking and took $1200 out of her trust fund to fix my car without asking. (she found out after we separated and it made things waaaayyyy worse). She initially asked me to leave bc of the credit card thing. I lost her trust....Now that you know a little more, any advice??

[What_Next]

Gobbleguts (love that handle by the way) I can assume that you are both living seperately? If that is the case then going with a LC/180 style approach is definitely more managable.

 

I completely agree with habs53's post.

 

In my case LC was not really possible due to us living under the same roof, but I was able to use the 180 to my advantage. In fact a lot of the behaviors I've learned from it have stuck. Like habs53 many of my friends and co-workers have noticed a change in me. I have noticed a change in me and I like it.

 

In retrospect I honestly wish I could have left and got my own place. I think in a way it would have shown my wife what life was going to be like without me. If used properly LC/180 is a powerful shift in the balance of things. It also will eventually help you rebuild your own self worth and well being.

[habs53]

Thank you very much for the quick response. I have started NC and my wife just sent me a pic. message via cell phone of our daughter standing while holding on to the tv stand. I had to call for details, I maybe shouldn't have but I kept it short and sweet and ONLY about our daughter.

 

My whole separation started because of xanax problem on my part. I was abusing medication that was prescribed to me and I made ALOT of stupid financial decisions and lied about them. I used her credit card without asking and took $1200 out of her trust fund to fix my car without asking. (she found out after we separated and it made things waaaayyyy worse). She initially asked me to leave bc of the credit card thing. I lost her trust....Now that you know a little more, any advice??

 

Trust will take time but will come back. This is hard to say but.....

Around 6 years ago i took a liking to gambling. Spent all the money for a few months. My wife thought i was cheating on her. I finally told her what was going on. We almost separted then, bags were packed and everything. She then told me to wait, and with tears in her eyes told me not to leave.

 

Anyways, when we were fighting a few months ago, she brought that up. She told me she stopped loving me then but it came back fairly quickly.

 

So do the 180, be strong. Live for yourself. She may or may not forgive you. Take anything she says with a grain of salt. In other words, do not believe anything she says right now. Probably being said in anger and confussion. Give it time.

Edited July 6, 2010 by habs53

[gobbleguts]

Gobbleguts is a nickname my grandpa gave me when I was a kid bc of my fondness of food. I know what you're thinking and no, I'm 5'9" 184lbs and 40yrs old. lol. I do love food though.

 

We've been separated and living apart since 05/01/10. I've been seeing a therapist since mid-april and been put on an anti-depressant. (both have worked wonders)

My co-workers and family/friends have all noticed a change as I live and breath the serenity prayer. I miss my wife and child deeply, but I know that the broken version of me can't maintain a healthy relationship. I've been working on gobbleguts 2.0 for a couple of months and know that being healthy, positive and treating my wife with nothing but respect is my only chance at any kind of healthy relationship with her. My daughter deserves a healthy, happy daddy.

 

I try not to whine too much about wanting my wife back. She has her share of problems too and they need to be worked out as well. Me telling her (which I never have) about her problems really would only end being my problems.

 

I will say this though, I do want my wife back. My daughter just stood up by herself today and I wasn't there to see it. I know the ONLY way it can happen is by me taking care of me.....It benefits the whole family.

[gobbleguts]

Thanks habs. Can I call you habs? I know she is hurt and confused right now and I do take it with a grain of rice. Not quite at the grain of sand yet. lol

[habs53]

Thanks habs. Can I call you habs? I know she is hurt and confused right now and I do take it with a grain of rice. Not quite at the grain of sand yet. lol

You can call me Roy if you like.

[gobbleguts]

Roy it is!! My name is actually Chris, not gobbleguts.

[habs53]

Nice to meet you. I will give you a prime example. This just happened. My son had a dentist appt today. My wife just txt me to find our where it was because they have 2 offices. She was at the wrong one and the appt turned out to be on thurday. I had a bad turn of events with her on the weekend. Obviously she is not as mad as i thought. She felt dumb for having a screwup today. I replyed with no big deal, you and Adam have a fun day today. For the first time ever she actually replyed with a thank you.

So the 180 does work, just through some positive stuff in there once in a while. It takes a while for the other to realize you mean this stuff.

[What_Next]

If you hang in there the 180 can be really effective. My wife began to respond within days of me changing my behavior.

 

It sounds like you already have went a long way towards working on yourself and eventually giving your marriage a chance in the long run. It will come down to continued patience and devotion at this point.

 

Before you seperated had you went down the marriage counsiling road? That sometimes definitely does help expose issues that you may not have even knew exisited.

 

It also sounds like there were no affairs on either side and that's definitely a good thing as well.

 

I know firsthand how hard it is to see the woman you love so deeply go completely cold and then she lowers the "I just don't love you" bomb. It blows you apart internally. I did almost everything you could do wrong, but I have learnt by my mistakes and it is getting better every day.

[habs53]

And yes take Whats Next advice. Should get a medal for what he has done.

[gobbleguts]

I will take his advice. It sounds to me like this forum can be a lot of help. I think that's probably why I joined. Both of you guys sound like you got it goin' on. I actually discussed the 180 thing with my therapist today. She said for now that it sounded like the right thing to do.

 

Whats Next: The have been no affairs at all, on either of our parts. We also didn't seek out MC before we were separated, but I have mentioned it to her in passing since then. I say mentioned because I don't believe in cramming things down other peoples throats. My wife is intelligent and educated, she knows what I said and knows what it meant. She also is is cold but not ice cold. She has only said that she doesn't like me. I'll take that....

 

habs53: I've read quite a few of your posts. As a matter of fact that's what I did for the majority of my day yesterday. The progress you seemed to have made is incredible. I think doing the "next right thing" pays off. I told my therapist that if I don't add any more negatives to the relationship only positives from here on out, the math would take care of the rest. Humans are hard to predict, but lets hope "simple math" works for all of us. It seems to be working for you.

[habs53]

Hey Chris, just checking in to see how you are making out. Splitting up is hard to do. I still have good and bad days. Still here for you guy.

[eeyore1981]

Thank you very much for the quick response. I have started NC and my wife just sent me a pic. message via cell phone of our daughter standing while holding on to the tv stand. I had to call for details, I maybe shouldn't have but I kept it short and sweet and ONLY about our daughter.

 

My whole separation started because of xanax problem on my part. I was abusing medication that was prescribed to me and I made ALOT of stupid financial decisions and lied about them. I used her credit card without asking and took $1200 out of her trust fund to fix my car without asking. (she found out after we separated and it made things waaaayyyy worse). She initially asked me to leave bc of the credit card thing. I lost her trust....Now that you know a little more, any advice??

 

My H and I are separating, long story short, because almost 3 years ago I found out he was cheating and have been gaslighted ever since. My H will be moving out this weekend, because I have had enough.

 

This is not a ploy or game on my part. If H decides he wants to put in the effort and do the things I need done, which should have been done a long time ago, and actually does them, then yes, I would seriously consider a reconciliation, but I have no expectation of this. As hard as it is, this is the end for me.

 

I say all this because, if my H wanted to work things out with me, after all he has done, NC is not going to do squat to meet those ends. Neither will any form of begging to stay together. The only thing that will mean anything to me is for him to do what he needs to and show results.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if your wife feels the same way. IMO, what you have stated you have done is some very serious stuff. I read you are in therapy, and that is a good step in the right direction. IMO, if you want your wife to know you are sincerely sorry and remorseful about what you have done, I would also make myself a regular presence at NA meetings and take some kind of 'financial responsibility' courses. Make out a budget and stick to it. Take on an extra job, and make an effort to replace the finances you took. These are all making amends for your wrongdoing, whereas, IMO, your going LC sends the message you don't give a crap what you did.

 

JMHO, though.

[gobbleguts]

Very interesting eeyore1981. The thing is, my wife says that she won't forgive me and that it's over. I don't actually believe her though. (her actions speak louder than her words) And, she called me for the first time last night. I also am repaying the debt and am trying to find a second job, finding a second job is nearly impossible right now. I do like the financial responsibility thing though and I will def. be doing that.

 

Ya know, I'm not sure exactly what the right approach is. I'm following my instincts and contact low while occasionally letting her know that I think about her and our child and miss them both. When she called me she had our daughter on speaker phone and she was screaming (she just figured out how to scream). My wife wanted me to hear what I'll be getting to deal with when my daughter comes to visit. It was a very fun conversation. My mother-in-law was in the background and we were all laughing at my daughter. This was a HUGE step for my wife. She had been sooo angry that she wouldn't have called if her life depended on it. And now she does. A small battle won I guess. Any thoughts??

[habs53]

No contact is the correct way. Give yourself some time and away. Make yourself a better person. But remember always be very positive when you do talk.

[What_Next]

Gobbleguts, welcome to the rollercoaster of emotions. It's easy after a phone call like that to spin off in 50 directions and start going off the deep end. DON'T! STOP! It will only make it harder. Listen to me and listen closely (trust me, read my thread for many examples of me doing the very same thing you might), take it slow!

 

Sure that phone call made your heart sing, but it might not have had the same effect on your wife. It might not have meant what you think it did to your wife. Now, I am not saying it wasn't a positive step, it was; but don't overdo it.

 

Stay the course, if you have any hope of reconciling in the long run it will take time. The irony is that I haven't been so good at taking my own advice . Actions speak louder than any word you might utter at this point.

 

Expect many many more of these moments, very high and very low. Learn to level out and in the end you'll be much better served.

[gobbleguts]

Thanks guys. I'll keep working on me and I'll keep giving her the space she needs.

[habs53]

Thanks guys. I'll keep working on me and I'll keep giving her the space she needs.

Good choice. She knows how you feel.

[eeyore1981]

Very interesting eeyore1981. The thing is, my wife says that she won't forgive me and that it's over. I don't actually believe her though. (her actions speak louder than her words) And, she called me for the first time last night. I also am repaying the debt and am trying to find a second job, finding a second job is nearly impossible right now. I do like the financial responsibility thing though and I will def. be doing that.

 

Ya know, I'm not sure exactly what the right approach is. I'm following my instincts and contact low while occasionally letting her know that I think about her and our child and miss them both. When she called me she had our daughter on speaker phone and she was screaming (she just figured out how to scream). My wife wanted me to hear what I'll be getting to deal with when my daughter comes to visit. It was a very fun conversation. My mother-in-law was in the background and we were all laughing at my daughter. This was a HUGE step for my wife. She had been sooo angry that she wouldn't have called if her life depended on it. And now she does. A small battle won I guess. Any thoughts??

 

Sorry it took me so long to respond. Computer problems.

 

I'll give you my opinions, but keep in mind, I do not speak for your wife.

 

I think if you are truly remorseful for what has happened to your marriage, then taking the steps to understand the underlying issues of what happened is going to be beneficial to you, regardless of if the marriage survives it or not. Even though you do not list an affair by either party on here, trust has still been damaged in a major way, and it isn't going to repair itself, and it isn't going to be an overnight fix. The two of you have a child together, and for me, if you really have 'seen the light', doing the hard work necessary to show that, not for reconciliation, which is for you, but if nothing else to show your wife you care enough about her to not have her feeling her time with you was a waste of her life, and you want the best relationship you can have for the sake of your daughter, would go a long way to helping heal the betrayal she may be feeling, and help restore a small amount of the trust that has been lost.

 

Though it seems on the surface these things are selfless, they really aren't. You still have to live your life, whether your marriage gets saved or not, and doing whatever you can to make yourself a better person for the people around you is going to go a long way towards you having a better life. Know what I mean?

 

And I want to be clear, when I am saying I think for you, in your circumstances, NC is not the way to go, I am not talking about you groveling, begging, beating yourself up, punishing yourself or letting yourself be punished, or anything like that at all. I'm talking about being a mature adult, recognizing you made mistakes and taking responsibility for them. It isn't about not making any mistakes ever, because we all make mistakes, it's what you do about the mistakes you've made.

[gobbleguts]

Eeyore1981, you seem very wise for someone so young. I say young b/c I'm guessing you were born in 1981. ( I'm known as captain obvious). Lol.

 

Your approach makes sense to me and it feels like the right thing to do. I have a hard time trusting my intuition right now, but it keeps telling me to not break contact 100%. But to be a mature man and father and treat my wife with the respect she deserves. I don't and haven't groveled. Sometimes she will say (even out of context) "my feelings haven't changed". And I will say I understand that and I'm not trying to get her to change her mind. We just need to discuss our daughter. She is very defensive.

[eeyore1981]

Eeyore1981, you seem very wise for someone so young. I say young b/c I'm guessing you were born in 1981. ( I'm known as captain obvious). Lol.

 

Your approach makes sense to me and it feels like the right thing to do. I have a hard time trusting my intuition right now, but it keeps telling me to not break contact 100%. But to be a mature man and father and treat my wife with the respect she deserves. I don't and haven't groveled. Sometimes she will say (even out of context) "my feelings haven't changed". And I will say I understand that and I'm not trying to get her to change her mind. We just need to discuss our daughter. She is very defensive.

 

Lol, I'm not so young. 1981 was the year my first child was born. I was very young then, though, and today I am feeling a lot older than my years.

 

I hope things work out for you, I really do. There's so much hurt in this world, and it makes me sad, because I think if people would just do the best they could to treat others right, it wouldn't be like this.

 

It's hypocritical of me to say that, too, because as much as I wish I was the kind of person who could treat my H with kindness, no matter what he has done to me, I am not. Right now I'm very defensive, also, and I'm very volatile. I'm just overflowing with anger and resentment. It even pi$$es me off that I apparently have a long road ahead of me to work through and get past all this anger and resentment. But I keep telling myself I will get to the other side someday and (hopefully) be a better person. Or maybe I'll just take the easy way and be a bitch for life. I have heard you should stick with what you are good at...