cupranod Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 (edited) Hi,I'm new to the forum,and I am in the process of being divorced by my Wife,who I still love dearly and have a 4 years old son with. We were together almost 8 years,and married for 3,before all this happened.I felt unloved and quite neglected,she wasn't a particularly loving girl but very organised,practical and caring.She had been married before when I met her,and had a Son from her first marriage who lived with his Father from being 3,when she left him due to his behaviour.She then had another 7 years relationship,and was 3 months out of that when she met me.We hit it off and quickly moved in together,and were the best of friends. The last 18 months or so has been a steady decline,I became depressed and just moved out one day,going away for 6 weeks and not wanting to see anyone and feeling totally detached.I just felt unwanted.This caused her to feel insecure and worry that I would do it again,but I went back and she gave me another chance.However,she said it was like 'walking on eggshells',and there was very little physical contact which didn't bother her ;sex was three times a year thing.In anger I said I wanted a divorce to hopefully buck her up a bit,but she agreed and said it was better that I moved out,which I did.I was just so annoyed and frustrated with her.We were separated under the same roof before I moved out,and I used to go away at weekends to escape the atmosphere.She's very in control of her emotions most of the time,and doesn't like confrontation or raised voices. We are now divorcing,and I am devastated by it all.She is just totally indifferent to me,and says she will never change her mind;she says she wants to move on in her life,and that I should do the same.She advises me how to deal with it all (she's been there before!) and that I need to concentrate on myself and being a good Dad to our Son,which of course I will be.She still asks me for advice about things,which she always acts upon,and can be quite friendly,but says I need to mind my own business and that she doesn't care what I do,all she cares about are the practical arrangements of me seeing our Son. She never contacts me first,as she doesn't want to give me 'false hope';she has improved her appearance and got in touch with a lot of old friends and socialises with them a lot.She also keeps herself very busy,but says that she knows that she will never have what we had again. I did meet up with a woman who I get on well with,although it's just a friendship,and when I told her she just said 'well I have my school reunion soon,I might meet someone.'Why did she say that? She also said that it would be good for me to have 'adult company and conversation' as long as they knew it was just on a friendship basis.She already has a man 'friend' who she has been seeing a bit of,but is adamant that is all he is. She claims to feel 'friendship' towards me,but I think she has reached the acceptance stage of things very quickly,although my counsellor thinks she is still in denial judging from her behaviour.I am trying to let go,but still hope one day we may reconcile although I realise this is unlikely.She does seem to move on quickly though,but she has told me that her head is 'in a mess',so maybe she projects this image on the outside. Will reality ever hit her and how do people really think she is really feeling? Thanks. Edited July 6, 2010 by cupranod
habs53 Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 From experience in my case, she will not contact you first. Its a control thing. Just stay calm and make it look like you can live without her. It gets easier with time. I have made some slips which is normal i believe. Maybe offer something little to help her with to bring her around once in a while. Good luck, hang in there. You still got your heath so it could be worst.
What_Next Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. First, don't think you are alone in this situation. There are lots of people out there willing to help you. Turn to your friends and family for moral support. Not to whine to them, but to help you through this. She is correct in saying that you must contine to be the best father possible to your child. A huge portion of that comes from learning to deal with this situation and working on YOU. As far as her behavior from what I have read and from what I have personally experienced (read my thread for a textbook example of this) it is quite normal for a woman to go through this. In fact my wfie went through a very similiar set of emotions and behavior. I got the "I love you, but not in THAT way" speech. I got the "I only feel friendship towards you" speech. I received the cold fish behavior as well. As time wore on, I noticed it cracking. I noticed her looks. I noticed that she wasn't sleeping, it was wearing on her. With time and patience she eventually came to me and in fact told me that she did still love me and that she wanted us to have a second chance. I am not saying that this is the case for you, in fact on the surface at least it does seem that your marriage will come to an end, but I suspect she indeed in turmoil over this. Perhaps she is better at dealing with it due to her past experiences. I suggest you not focus on that, and rather focus on yourself. Good luck throughout this.
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