What can I do?

[rpbjcm]

I don't really know where to put this because it doesn't really fit into any of the categories but here goes...

 

There's this guy, we met at college and we both really liked each other, but we were both shy and I knew he would never ask me out and I wasn't confident enough to ask him out either, so after a while I started going out with someone else and from that I went straight into a relationship with someone else, who I really loved and cared about, we were together for about two years before we broke up a few months ago.

 

The thing is, this guy from college was always on my mind throughout both of these relationships, I found myself always wondering 'What if?' and regretting never getting with him. I've been trying to get over him for about two years, but I just can't!

 

So now is the first time in about 3 years that we have both been single, but we've lost contact now for about 6 months, he's off at university and so will I be soon. Do I bite the bullet and tell him how I feel or should I just try to forget about him and move on?

 

I feel like I'll always be comparing people to him, but then there's no evidence that he still likes me.

 

I know this seems really pathetic and trivial, but I can't stop thinking about it, what can I do?

 

I don't know how to get over him when I never had him in the first place!

 

Thanks

[BiAxident]

Unfortunately, there is no easy answer here. I guess I would ask myself what sorts of pragmatic issues might come into play here. When you say "away" at university, how far away? 10 miles? 100 miles?

 

Life is short, and you clearly have strong feelings for this individual. Keeping them bottled up probably wont help. Some couples can make long distance relationships work. Life is short and "what-ifs" really suck. I would tell him how you feel and see what happens.

[rpbjcm]

He's only about 20 miles away, it's not really the distance that bothers me it's just that...

 

We went on holiday together with a group of friends last year and he was lovely and we got along really well but he said that 'maybe we missed our chance'

 

So I feel like it's too late, but you're right, I can't keep it bottled up, something's got to change!

 

I think part of it is a confidence thing too, sort of 'Why would he still like me when he's met all of these new girls at university?'

 

Ahh why do men matter so much!!

 

Thanks for your response it's much appreciated!

Edited July 6, 2010 by rpbjcm

[Calendula]

Perhaps it would help if you spent a weekend together, just the two of you. You won't ever be able to figure out if he likes you or even if you two currently have a chance if you don't really know him and aren't a part of his life. Try to take it slow, don't pressure things, don't try and force a relationship into existence because you think it is what you want, just act on your emotions and see what happens. Pay close attention to his responses and see them for what they are without reading what you want to see into his actions.

 

Also, don't worry a bit about 'all those other girls' he may have seen or been with in the past. What does it really matter? If he still likes you then good, and if he doesn't than so be it. The 'why' he does or doesn't like you doesn't matter. Focus on the here and now, not on the past. Send your energy towards making a future you can be happy with by improving your present circumstances and don't worry about what was. The past can't be changed, so you might as well accept it and move on.

 

If you get to spend a weekend with him, just be yourself, the person you've become since you first met him. Show him how you've become more confident, more mature. Show him in little ways that you care for him. It doesn't have to be anything sexual or physically intimate, it can be as simple as being willing to make the drive to come see him, fixing him food, all those little caring and attentive things that couples do for each other.

 

Perhaps back then it simply wasn't meant to be. You were both younger, shy, less confident, and there is no way of knowing what could have happened had you tried to have a relationship then - chances are it wouldn't have worked. The 'what if' doesn't matter, the 'what is' does. Now you have both changed, matured, had more life experiences. Perhaps NOW is your real chance to try and develop a relationship with him, perhaps you are both now ready to.

 

You said that his words were 'maybe we missed our chance', but this indicates to me that he is also saying 'maybe we could have a chance' if only because of his indefinite phrasing. He didn't say it couldn't possibly work, he didn't say there is no chance of us getting together now, he said 'maybe'. He doesn't know if the two of you could work out any better than you do.

 

Don't let a lack of confidence on your part hold you back. If you want answers you have to go find them, you have to put yourself out there and take a risk. You have to stop wondering about what could be, and ACT to try and create the world you want for yourself. If you think this may be the person you want, the ONE for you, then go find out and make sure either way. If you don't act on your feelings and take the risk, then you may never be able to truly move on with your life. You have to find an answer, you have to know one way or another if a relationship with this man could work, and the only way to do this is by taking a chance with him.

 

Best of luck and I hope things work out for you.

[rpbjcm]

Wow, thanks for that response! You're completely right in everything you've said, its good having someone 'from the outside' giving me their view.

 

I think you're right about telling him and maybe spending a day or two together, all I've got to do now is work out how to ask him and actually find the courage to do it!

 

I've thought about the fact that it might 'be our time' now too, because things probably wouldn't have worked out then.

 

I guess I've just got to show him I'm still the girl he liked back then and I still care about him, I've just matured a little bit

 

I really appreciate your response, i can't believe that you took the effort to write all that over my silly love life!

Thanks again!

[Calendula]

No love live is ever really 'silly' or 'little', certainly not to the people who are involved .

 

Try the following as far as asking him goes. If you use email, text or chat, he would have more time to think about it and possibly over-analyze or misinterpret what you are asking, but if you call him on the phone, you will get a better idea of his immediate instinctive response, and you'll at least get communication clues from the tone of his voice and his replies to you. I would personally suggest a phone conversation, as it will be more fluid and you can modify your approach or phrasing based on his immediate responses to you. Perhaps start fairly general and then drop a suggestion that you would like to come up for a visit. It wouldn't have to go exactly like this, but below might help. Use whatever fits for you. Just remember that the answer is "No" if you never even ask the question, so you have nothing to lose by trying.

 

"Hey, ___, I was thinking about you today and I figured I would call. Do you have time to talk right now?" Hopefully he will say sure, especially if you catch him between about 5:30 and 7 PM.

 

"I was remembering how much of a good time we had the last time we hung out, and I just couldn't get you out of my head." (perhaps some brief general discussion about the last time you saw each other)

 

"Would you perhaps be free this coming weekend/ two weekends from now/ sometime soon?" (hopefully his response is 'maybe, I don't really have plans') "I'd like to come up for a visit, maybe spend Saturday with you? We could go to ___ (someplace you might both like in his town where you could talk but also do something fun together - perhaps a museum or local sightseeing spot) and just hang out. Is that something you might be interested in doing?"

 

Don't pressure, just make suggestions. When you phrase a question in your head before asking it, always think about what kinds of answers it could lead to, and include an easy way out for the person you are asking. Don't ask things that are so definitive that if the reply you get is negative you will be crushed. Leave things general. The questions I phrased above would show him that you are interested, but leave him able to say 'maybe' as an immediate acceptable reply, which gives him time to think about it.

 

You need to express your interest in getting to know him better in general terms and just see where things go. Come up with ideas on what you could do together, take the initiative as far as planning goes, make loose suggestions, and use open phrasing.

 

Don't think about it too much, don't worry about all possible outcomes, JUST DO IT. You have nothing to loose, and as long as you try you will not have failed. You currently don't have him in your life, and if he says "no, I have absolutely no interest in spending time with you" you might be crushed but at least you will know for sure that that relationship door is closed to you. You can then start the process of healing and moving on. If he says "sure, I think it would be nice to hang out some weekend" then you are already on the path towards getting to know him better.

 

Believe in yourself and have faith that you will be able to find what you want in life. When given a situation where the outcome could be negative or positive, try and find the positive side of any bad thing that could happen. You may not be able to change some of the things in life that happen to you, but you can ALWAYS change your perspective of how you view those things, and it is your choice as to what you will learn from such events and carry with you into the future.

 

Best of luck, and just go call him already . Why wait any longer?

[spyyder]

Your right, you both are at good points of your life and are ready for a serious relationship and if you went out before it probably would not have worked out due to lack of experience & understanding.

 

Man it would be really great to be in your shoes....being ready for someone and already having someone great in mind that you've thought about for ages.

 

If he really is into you, then being around other girls shouldn't be an issue. He'd think, why try these girls when the perfect girl has been under my nose for so long.

[rpbjcm]

Thank you Calendula, you've really helped me think things through, I think I've got a bit more thinking to do before I actually do anything, but you've helped me realise that I do need to do something about it or I'll never get over it.

 

A mutual friend of ours has arranged a night out this friday and he's said that the person who we're talking about might be going, so that'll be a nice casual way to see if there's still a spark there and if there is then we can go from there and if there's not... well as hard as it is I know I've got to get over him, and if he doesn't end up going then I'm definitely going to tell him shortly after cause I'm driving myself crazy! Like you said, I've got nothing to lose, and what's a bit of embarrassment if it all turns out well in the end?

 

And thanks spyyder!

 

He'd think, why try these girls when the perfect girl has been under my nose for so long.

I hope that's what he thinks! lol

 

Thanks everyone!

[rpbjcm]

Hey guys! Just to say that I told him and turns out the feelings aren't mutual!

 

Feel like a total idiot now but there's nothing I can do about it now!

 

Thanks again guys for all your help!

[LuckyLady13]

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear his feelings aren't mutual but you know what? Now you know and instead of thinking about him, him, him for nothing, you can start to focus your energy on someone who does have mutual feelings!

[AlwaysConflicted]

Good for you. That took courage...a quality way too many people lack. Sorry it didn't work out, but you should feel proud.

[rpbjcm]

Yeah, surprisingly I do feel better for telling him. Now that I know either way whether he likes me or not I kinda feel... I don't know, relieved in a way, because I'm not wondering whether anything could happen because I know now that it definitely can't.

 

I obviously had a bit of a cry when he first told me but I feel so much better for doing it! I'm sure there'll be a bit of awkwardness and embarrassment next time I see him, but he was lovely about it so I hope we can sort of get back to normal friends-wise. But we shall see!

 

Thanks guys

[rpbjcm]

Hey! I don't know if anyone's going to read this but if anyone does, I just want to say that things are turning around for the better! Me and the person in question have been spending some time together over the summer and he's turned around and said that he has still got feelings for me and things are going really well at the moment! Don't want to get my hopes up too much cause it's still very early days, but it's looking good I have everything crossed!

 

So basically i just want to say thanks for all the support and encouragement you guys gave me before, I don't think I'd have even had the guts to say anything in the first place if I hadn't had such positive replies! And even if this doesn't work out then it's given me a lot more confidence in telling people how I feel rather than keeping my feelings bottled up!

 

So thanks guys