sarababy Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Sorry if this is too long. First abit of background:- I was bestfriends with this girl for 6 years. Until we had a big firght. TBH it was along time coming. We spent every min together until she got her first real boyfriend. For a whole year I was basically ignored, even when we where in school and the bf (who i had no problem with, he was a nice guy) wasn't around. She completelty cut me off. I didn't have a bf at the time so she prefered to talk to other girls who did. When I did try and talk to her she would say patronising things like 'you wouldn't understand'. It wasn't even what she said it was how she said it, like I was suddenly a toddler and she was this worldly women . Anyway they broke up and she came running back to me. I was happy to have my friend back but things where never the same. The breakup wasn't her choice and she was heartbroken. I tried to be there for her but she was a completely different person. All our friends commented on how bitter she'd become. We thought once she got over the breakup she'd be back to her old self but she didn't. Her attitude just got worse and worse. Suddenly she took everything I said as a personal insult to her! WTF?? She got jealous when I got a bf even though I made sure I saw all my friends at least 3 times a week she still complained that she never saw me! (hello!! you compeletly dumped me). This bitter attitude continued for another 18 months until we had this big fight and stopped talking for good. If was such a relief as the friendship had turned toxic. Fastforward 7 years later and this girl contacted me threw myspace. We chatted on line and then finally met for drinks. Straight away it was like old times - the good times not bad. We laughed so much and both apologised about our fight. Time and maturity made us both see it was silly to hold onto old grudges. It was good to lay the past to rest We met up a few more times after that and here is my problem. I honestly enjoyed catching up with her but Im not interested in being friends with her anymore. I don't mind chatting over myspace but I just don't want to see so much of her. I know that sounds terrible but I'm 28 now and my life is completely different to not only how it was then but how hers is now. I think we've just outgrown eachother. How do I cut contact with out upsetting her or causing another fight and more ill will??
Ronni_W Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 (edited) I think you're right: You've both grown in different ways and directions. Nothing at all "terrible" about that, it's just life. I also think that you've set an unrealistic goal for yourself: No matter how kindly and compassionately you do it, she *may* end up feeling upset/hurt. Her feelings are not something that you can direct/control through your own words and actions, or inactions. So, trying to achieve that, even though there are noble intentions, is unrealistic. You can have a direct conversation with her, or you can just make yourself less and less available. When she suggests a meet-up, more and more just say, "Sorry, I can't. That doesn't fit in with my plans. How about <4 or 6 weeks in the future> - that will work better for me." And, after a period of that, increase it to 6 to 8 weeks, and so on. It's very difficult to say to someone, "I'm just not finding too much in common with you anymore." It's a break-up no matter how one looks at it. There will be hurt and upset feelings. Those are just part of life, too. Trying to prevent them from happening and/or avoid feeling them one's self is rather futile, and very often takes a heavy toll on the 'avoidant'. It's totally fine that you and your childhood friend(s) don't have very much in common, as adults. Follow your own heart, and take care of your own feelings, needs and desires. Best of luck. Edited July 6, 2010 by Ronni_W
H1N1 Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I make it a policy not to end friendships. Some friendships just receive less attention than others -- a lot less in some cases.
blueyedgrl85 Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 I think it's best to just let it fade naturally since you both made amends and "cleared the air" so to speak.
princehole Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Ending a friendship is hard and painful, but also liberating. I had to end a friendship with a friend who did not respect my religious beliefs. She is fanatical and closed-minded about the faith of other. After the second time she and her husband "bashed" my faith, I said enough. It was expected, though, since we were gradually drifing apart.
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