Susaluda Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 We were dating for about 6 months and the last couple months or so he started getting extremely busy and not having any time for me or even time for himself. This put a lot of stress on our relationship especially since I am now in a different country for 8 weeks and I wanted to see him a lot before I went but I didn't get to. About a week before I left I asked him if he still felt the same way about me as he used to and he said he still enjoyed hanging out with me as much as he used to but that he didn't feel as though he could give me what I wanted (time with him). He just graduated college and will be starting a PhD program in the fall somewhere about 45 minutes away so he's also worried that he won't have time for me then either. Therefore for now we are on a sort of break, in a "less serious, undefined" relationship, somewhere between friends and boyfriend/girlfriend, but he said "more on the friend side" which I don't really like but will leave it for now. We've been talking online since I've been away (been away for 1 week but haven't seen him for 2 weeks) and I'm sure we will continue to do so, but I'm wondering how to approach picking our relationship back up once I get back? I know he's worried about the time issue so if that's his only problem, if I just assure him that we'll deal with the time issue without me pressuring him about it and have more of a long distance relationship where you expect to see each other less, do you think he'll want to resume things? Also, how do I keep him interested and thinking about me while I'm away so that he gets a positive view of relationships again? He said that he didn't feel ready for a relationship and that it was too much for him to handle but I think it was all just the time issue. I miss being able to call him my boyfriend (don't really know what to call him right now) and saying "I love you" and I want to be able to think that I can sort this out once I get back.
Diezel Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 As I've always said, as soon as an SO mentions one of three words, it's over: Dump Break Space
Author Susaluda Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 Neither of us said any of those words. I said we're on a "sort of break" implying it's not completely, and we never actually said that to each other.
Diezel Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Didn't HE say that you guys were "more on the friends side"? Come on. What does that even mean? You're either in a relationship or you're not, there's no in between. You're just afraid to face the reality that this relationship looks like its run its course.
Citizen Erased Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I suggest you don't sleep with him again until he feels a little more like redefining your relationship.
alyssatranswarrior Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I agree, he may be seeking to keep you interested enough for periodic sex while he lives a bachelor lifestyle in his own world. You have to respect yourself and make it clear "on the friend side" hurt you a lot to hear. He should figure it out.
Author Susaluda Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 Don't think any of you really understand what I mean, but then again it's kind of hard to on the internet and when you don't know me or him or our full story. First of all, we haven't slept together yet so no he's not just keeping me around for that. Also we're apart for two months so it's not like we could anyway. He said more on the friends side FOR NOW. He's just not sure what to expect starting grad school and doesn't have time for me right now but he sounds like he wants to keep things going. He just doesn't think it's fair to me (I agree) to have me always waiting around for him. You're right about how we're either in a relationship or not and that there isn't really any in between. I guess we're not right now and probably are just friends but we do plan to be in a relationship again in the future so I guess that's why I consider it in an in between area. My original question was how do I talk to him once I get back about resuming our relationship and make it clear that we can deal with spending less time together so that he wants to be in a relationship again? I hope this makes more sense and I understand if it's confusing or if you think I'm just being naive in thinking we'll be together again. I really don't think this has run its course yet and I don't think he does either so that's why I'm asking for advice.
make me believe Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 If a guy wants to be in a relationship with you, he will be in a relationship with you. He will NOT make you his gf and then a few months later backstep and demote you to "more on the friends side." I'm sorry, but as much as you're convinced that it's just about time and you two can just deal with it, I don't agree. It doesn't sound like he WANTS to "just deal with it." I imagine that working on a PhD is a huuuuge ball of stress, and maybe he just wants to focus on that rather than dealing with a girlfriend who lives 45 minutes away. And he has that right. You can't force him to deal with it if he doesn't want to. He said that he didn't feel ready for a relationship and that it was too much for him to handle but I think it was all just the time issue. Oh, come on. You need to listen to and accept what he is telling you! You can not read into it and treat him like a child who doesn't know what he's "really" feeling. He told you it's too much for him to handle and he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. He's been very clear about it but you are refusing to accept it.
Crazy Magnet Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I know you keep saying you will be together again, but as someone in a PhD program, who also works full time, I would NEVER give up my boyfriend for lack of time. I would make time for him, like I do now. Not enough time is just an excuse and a lame one at that. You make time for those you care about. Any man who doesn't respect or like me enough to see me in the week before I head off to another country for two months isn't worth my time. There are so many other men out there who will have time for you and who won't be uncertain about your "status." If he wanted to be with you he would. Men don't let a girl back on the market if they really want to be with her. I suggest you have fun and see if there are any hot and friendly local guys where you are now. More on the friend side means you are both free to see other people and I suggest you do so. We aren't trying to be harsh or suggest you are naive. We are just showing you what your situation looks like objectively from the outside.
Diezel Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 He said more on the friends side FOR NOW. He's just not sure what to expect starting grad school and doesn't have time for me right now but he sounds like he wants to keep things going. He just doesn't think it's fair to me (I agree) to have me always waiting around for him. The irony in that statement is that he IS making you wait around for him. If you AGREE, then you WOULDN'T be waiting around for him. Can't you see that?
Author Susaluda Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 (edited) Well all I can say is I hope you are all wrong. Maybe I'll be lucky but there's a strong chance that you're all correct. I just really don't want to face that reality because I have such bad luck with dating and now that I've finally found someone great, that is already going down the drain. He is very work-oriented so I guess he just loves that more than he loves me. It just hurts too much to think he'll always be like that since I love him so much and I would think we were perfect for each other if it wasn't for that. Deziel, yes I see what you're saying. I am still waiting for him and I don't like that but I wouldn't be able to see him anyway right now since I'm on the other side of the world. It's just a different kind of waiting instead of having to constantly ask him every day when he's free to hang out. Edited July 6, 2010 by Susaluda
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