fyre Posted February 5, 2004 Posted February 5, 2004 I need some opinions... I met my ex (is now my ex bf) through the net. He lived in California, I lived in Wa state. We had a pretty good relationship, until I started liking someone else.... I went out with him for 3 years. I went to see him, he went to see me. We talked on the phone like every night. Then towards the 3 year mark I started to like someone else. I never could pick. Because I didn't want to hurt him. I dragged them both through it, and I feel bad for doing that... I am now with that guy that I had feelings for. When we broke up we were trying to part as "friends". I'm trying to move on, but he insists that we talk every night on the phone, and when I want to get off the phone he doesn't want me to get off. He gives me this crap of: "I have nobody else to talk to", "I'm lonely", "You're the only one I have to talk to..". I hate that crap he gives me guilt trips. I mean half the time if not all the time I end up hanging up on him, just to get off the phone. He is a very shy person. So he doesn't make an effort to go out and talk to ppl. I was his 1st gf. I mean I did tell him I would be his friend, so it is probably my fault... I dunno. And when I hang up on him he calls back over and over and over again on my cell. Even if I tell him I don't want to talk don't call back he will ask why, I tell him then I hang up then he calls back. What am I suppose to do? and Yes I am thinking about changing my cell # I think he is being obsessive. He says I am being full of my self. that he isn't. Opinions? thoughts? comments?
moimeme Posted February 5, 2004 Posted February 5, 2004 Tell him that he is starting to behave like a stalker and that he needs to stop before you report him to the authorities.
morrigan Posted February 5, 2004 Posted February 5, 2004 Nip this friendship in the bud. Say you just feel uncomfortable being friends with exes, that you both need to move on. Don't take any more of his calls, and don't allow him to visit you. If he doesn't leave you alone, let him know you will contact the authorities. If he threatens you, contact the authorities immediately. It doesn't matter why you broke up, as he has no right to keep intruding on your life if you don't want him to. He's the one that's being selfish.
xalysabethh Posted February 5, 2004 Posted February 5, 2004 I agree you need to end this now! it sounds alittle strange and stalker like. xalysabeth
lady d'arbanville Posted February 6, 2004 Posted February 6, 2004 It's a bad idea, 'staying friends' with ex-boy/girlfriends. You can't 'stay' what you've never been. sometimes, you can have a friend, who you have a try at a relationship with, then decide you are better off as just friends.and with an effort, because you really value the friendship you used to have, you can get it back to where it used to be, and put the past behind you as a silly mistake you've learned from. But where there have only been strong romantic feelings, that isn;t possible. what people really mean when they end a relationship saying 'let's stay friends' is...... The Dumper: (if they are a nice, kind person) "I don;t want to hurt your feelings, and I feel really guilty about ending it" - so they end up on a guilt trip or (if they are not so nice and kind) "I am really happy to know that any time I have a spare ten minutes and need an boost, I can pick up the phone and find you there with your heart pounding and your tail wagging, still carrying a torch for me" -= so they get to go on an ego-trip. The Dumped: "I'm still in with a chance! Maybe if I am really good he/she will see how important I am still, and we can get back together." And what really happens is that they get locked in the past, unable to move on and see an unworkable relationship for what it really was. It's a bit like picking a scab! You know, you get a tiny little scratch on your hand and if you leave it alone, in a couple of weeks it;'s gone....but it you keep on picking at it, that tiny little wound becomes a huge scar.......the only way is to END IT, no going back, so reliving the past (and let's face it, there is always some real attraction, otherwise there wouldn;t have been a relationship in the first place!) But hanging on to contact instead of making a clean break doesn;t clear the way for better relationships in the future.....it's a case of two people being basically dishonest with each other, in the cause of being 'civilised' - and it causes a lot of pain to future partners, who are made to feel insecure when they are always having to share part of their lover's heart with an idealised ghost. It;s not kind, it;s not civilised, it;s not honest, and it;s not fair - not to anyone. There is nothing cool, calm and civilised about losing a lover - it's a big, raw wound, and the sooner everyone concerned puts it down and says goodbye to it, the sooner it can be grieved and put into it;s place in each one;s personal history. If there is no definate end, there is no real grief and no closure - only a hope which keeps the dumped one hanging on, instead of moving on. This man you describe seems not dangerous but very needy - because in allowing contact, in pretending that it;s possible to stay friends, you are encouraging him to think he still has a place in your heart. If you made the break cleanly - tell him straight, NO MORE CONTACT - he would have the chance to put your relationship in context, lick his wounds and see that he had a life before you and he can have a life after you. The big issue here is, can you really deal with knowing that you have to do without the boost of knowing that somewhere out there is someone who you can kick and tread on and they will still come back for more? If you don;t want to supply what this man needs =- you and your undivided love and attention - then get out of his life and mean it, for good and always, and never, ever speak to him again. If he phones, tell him "I don;t want to speak to you, ever again, please don;t call, it was nice while it lasted but it;s all over and didn;t mean very much to me in the long term." No, he won;t like you much after that, (can you deal with that?) but he will get the message, and you will be doing him a kindness. But do you really, really want to do him the service of allowing him to get over you? that's the question.
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