fedler Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Hi all, I have been seeing someone(say Jane) for about 5 months. While, Jane is an extremely nice and generous person, who I not only care for deeply, but would also like to develop a long lasting relationship with. Unfortunately Jane is also extremely distant and void of emotion. She purposely keeps everyone we know and myself at a distance and I am finding it extremely hard to cope with. I have sat down and talked to her about how distant I perceive her and after a long talk she admitted that when growing up her family continually accused her of being cold and distant and required her to talk to a councillor. Jane also stated that her families accusations were offensive and that she believes that she has emotions, but just does not continually act on them like everyone else. Later she admitted that she has a hard time understanding why people are feeling certain emotions at certain times and that she has recognized them and now attempts to fake them. While I have learned a great deal about Jane over the past 5 months I feel no more emotionally close to her as the first night we started dating. I would like to find a way of connecting with Jane, with the hope of working towards a more serious relationship. Does any one have any advise as to how I might proceed?
Meuk Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 TBH after five months your still saying you care for her a great deal but in your own words ' I feel no more emotionally close to her as the first night we started dating'. Thats enough for me to say that your arent getting any closer to her, and your conquest has come to an end. She doesnt seem to want to release herself form her past emotions and move on, she defiantly need some sort of therapy in my humble opinion, and for you thats hard as you may want her to move on but as the saying goes 'your can take a horse to water, but you cant make it drink'. Id sit her down tell her where your at and then look at the options (together!). Im always shocked at how many couples dont talk enough about there situation and call on the internet for help! Iam included and have U turned on this and talk more often now to my SO.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Wow, this is a good one, and it ties closely with just about every relationship in that much of the way that any romance or friendship gets closer results from each side placing more 'importance' on the other in a fashion somewhat unrelated to that actual other person. Consider that any person can fancy a telephone pole, the New York Mets, or the Chicago Cubs without the other side even needing to know they exist. Yet a lot is missing from human interactive relationships when one side either isn't interested in investing themselves in the other, OR has been 'conditioned' by life not to do so. It would be easy for someone to come along to this thread, read quickly, and just tell you "yeah, you're not interested in her" and/or "she's just not that into you"... but I really DO sense a lot more of what you're trying to recognize as being unique to her. It's difficult enough to keep motivating yourself to continue to make that other person seem extremely important to you, but when you aren't feeling them 'investing emotionally' in the same way, then it is doubly difficult to inspire yourself. Talking to her continuously really IS the right answer... and you tell her that the lack of clarity that you're getting from her that way keeps you uncertain of how the relationship is evolving. You absolutely must allow her to speak all of her mind with regard to how she feels about the relationship. IF indeed she just doesn't see herself with you for a long period, then you have to let her say (and feel) that!! Your justification for boldly daring yourself to let her speak her mind is that you really would be better off out there on your own in the event that she truly isn't that into you. IF her challenges are all traits learned long ago, then you'll be her hero if you gently coax her more 'outward' and then live up to everything you let her believe you to be and represent. FYI - I believe that this could still evolve in either direction, and it is very fair that you yearn to feel how much she's into you. *** show her this thread if you can't figure out a better way to let her understand just how important this subject is to your relationship
Author fedler Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 Thank you for your thoughtful response, it is most appreciated.
Ronni_W Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I have sat down and talked to her about how distant I perceive her and after a long talk she admitted that when growing up her family continually accused her of being cold and distant and required her to talk to a councillor. Jane also stated that her families accusations were offensive and that she believes that she has emotions, If you keep expressing your "perceptions" of her being emotionally distant, then she will start to see YOUR accusations as offensive. That is what she was telling you, by "also stating" her experience of her family telling her the exact same thing that you told her. You could start by acknowledging that you KNOW she has emotions; that you UNDERSTAND she just has trouble, sometimes, expressing her emotions outwardly. Ask if, what and how YOU can do to help her feel more comfortable and relaxed with you, and if, what and how YOU can show that you will not judge, criticize, minimize, ignore or try to change whatever feelings and emotions she *may* eventually share with you. If you want her to start opening up to you, then YOU have got to create the 'space' in which she will feel safe enough to do that. Until you've managed to help her feel emotionally safe with you, it is about you accepting her exactly where she is right now, and not making her issue about you. It's not about you; she has always been this way, even with her family-of-origin. THIS is the person whom you chose to have a relationship; THIS person who happens to keep herself emotionally apart from others. Don't take who she is personally; don't make her coping/protective mechanisms about you. You could also start reading up on 'emotional unavailability' and sharing with her, in a non-judgmental, non-threatening, caring and compassionate way, what you learn about it. Best of luck.
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