This Hurts Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I don't know why, either, and it's really really depressing me. I don't know what to do. It came out of nowhere... kinda. I just know what triggered it, which was coming home a few hours ago from a friend's I'd been at for a couple of days. I came home and felt like I had no one. I have no one. I have no friends I can just text or call and spill all my feelings to, I have no one I can have a very close relationship/friendship with. I'm not upset because I feel lonely without my EX, or even because I miss her, because I don't feel those things... I don't know why I'm so upset right now. With this heartbreak and recovery thing, we know. We feel depressed and we know it's because of the heartbreak, but this doesn't feel that way. I feel depressed just because, if that makes sense. I was going to play a game online to keep my mind off things but I literally just couldn't, I felt too depressed to play it. I honestly don't know what to do. I have no energy right now to get up and take a walk or pick up my guitar, or even go on netflix and find something to watch because it feels like anything I watch is just going to depress me even more. This is one scary f*cking feeling.
AlwaysConflicted Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Yeah that feeling is called Major Depression. I had it for a while and saw a psychiatrist for some medicine. Meds are sometimes helpful when you can't get out of the darkness. Even without medicine you can raise your endorphins which should help for a bit. Go running outside until you can't run anymore. I know you're too depressed to run, but you need to force yourself. You wont be as depressed when you're done running. Believe in science! It's real When your that depressed its because your serotonin levels have dropped way below normal. You can raise them naturally as well. Check out this link http://ezinearticles.com/?Easy-and-Natural-Ways-to-Raise-Your-Low-Serotonin-Levels&id=795255
Author This Hurts Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 Yeah that feeling is called Major Depression. I had it for a while and saw a psychiatrist for some medicine. Meds are sometimes helpful when you can't get out of the darkness. Even without medicine you can raise your endorphins which should help for a bit. Go running outside until you can't run anymore. I know you're too depressed to run, but you need to force yourself. You wont be as depressed when you're done running. Believe in science! It's real When your that depressed its because your serotonin levels have dropped way below normal. You can raise them naturally as well. Check out this link http://ezinearticles.com/?Easy-and-Natural-Ways-to-Raise-Your-Low-Serotonin-Levels&id=795255 It's so weird actually hearing someone tell me I have an actual condition. I guess it's kind of obvious that I do, but still... I never thought I would have this, y'know? And it's scary because I don't know what's going to happen, all I know is I don't want to feel this way anymore. Honestly, before I read anything about them, I was a supporter of meds. I thought it was miraculous that people came up with a pill that could make you happy if you're sad and I thought that if you needed it, you should take it. But after actually getting depressed and reading about other people's experiences (including my own brother's) with meds and how they just made them into zombies, I'm just scared of them. I'm scared I'll take them and they won't work, just make things worst, or turn me into a zombie... because then I think it'll depress me even more to know that medicine didn't even make me feel better, and I'll NEVER get better. The past few hours have been terrible. And it's weird feeling like it's not because of my ex, 'cause I'm so used to being depressed BECAUSE of her and now I'm depressed and it doesn't feel like it's because of her and it's scary as hell 'cause I don't even know why I'm upset!
bananaboat11 Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I'm in the exact situation you are right now. I don't know how to respond.
Always A Lesson Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Sorry to hear you're hurting. Hugs to you....this heartbreak thing is just unbelievable....the ups and downs.....first of all thank goodness we found this site, where' would we be without it? I'm so much more informed than I've ever been. The hurt does not magically disappear ....but, I do understand why I hurt, and having that understanding alone brings a calmness to my heart and soul. It's a process getting over heartbreak. It's been 9 months and I have good days and bad days, mainly good days. I still think of him first thing in the morning, and last thing at night, but I ask God to take that away and focus on being thankful for waking me up. Hurt, one thing I can guarantee is that better days are ahead,we may not see them or believe it , but they are coming. you have friends here, who understand your plight. even though we're all anonymous, we all have experienced the same crushing pain you have, and the after pain...of depression, it may come in different forms, but we all have been there. Hurt... we're here for you...hugs... If at all possible try to get through without meds, just my opinion.
Always A Lesson Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 HUrt, I reread your post.. You said " you're used to being depressed with your ex, ever thought you had become conditioned to being depressed? Kind of like a habit of being depressed, it's become your default way of being??? Like a woman who's used to being treated badly, when she's in a good relationship, she messes it up, because she's conditioned to being treated badly. How hard are you fighting against the depression?
BiAxident Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 The past few hours have been terrible. And it's weird feeling like it's not because of my ex, 'cause I'm so used to being depressed BECAUSE of her and now I'm depressed and it doesn't feel like it's because of her and it's scary as hell 'cause I don't even know why I'm upset! I'm right there with you, man. Under-employed, over 30, pouring love into a woman who doesn't really seem interested in it, no real job prospects despite having two college degrees, very few friends that I can really talk to about my problems, plenty of friends who are drunks and will probably die at 55. It's really scary. I'm becoming more and more convinced that I'm going to end up poor and alone. I'm sure I'll be checking and posting on this site all night, so feel free to write everything you think and feel. We are here with you, man.
GrayClouds Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I don't know why, either, and it's really really depressing me. I don't know what to do. It came out of nowhere... kinda. I just know what triggered it, which was coming home a few hours ago from a friend's I'd been at for a couple of days. I came home and felt like I had no one. I have no one. I have no friends I can just text or call and spill all my feelings to, I have no one I can have a very close relationship/friendship with. I'm not upset because I feel lonely without my EX, or even because I miss her, because I don't feel those things... I don't know why I'm so upset right now. With this heartbreak and recovery thing, we know. We feel depressed and we know it's because of the heartbreak, but this doesn't feel that way. I feel depressed just because, if that makes sense. I was going to play a game online to keep my mind off things but I literally just couldn't, I felt too depressed to play it. I honestly don't know what to do. I have no energy right now to get up and take a walk or pick up my guitar, or even go on netflix and find something to watch because it feels like anything I watch is just going to depress me even more. This is one scary f*cking feeling. You either give in to it or find a way through it... Are you eating? Good food and eating consistently through out the day? Are you getting exercise, even if you do not feel like it, just start walking in a direction for 20 mins, Are you sleeping? Are you journal your thoughts? Are you taking to someone? None are a cure, but they will all help a little and a bunch of littles starts to add up. .
Author This Hurts Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 Sorry to hear you're hurting. Hugs to you....this heartbreak thing is just unbelievable....the ups and downs.....first of all thank goodness we found this site, where' would we be without it? I'm so much more informed than I've ever been. The hurt does not magically disappear ....but, I do understand why I hurt, and having that understanding alone brings a calmness to my heart and soul. It's a process getting over heartbreak. It's been 9 months and I have good days and bad days, mainly good days. I still think of him first thing in the morning, and last thing at night, but I ask God to take that away and focus on being thankful for waking me up. Hurt, one thing I can guarantee is that better days are ahead,we may not see them or believe it , but they are coming. you have friends here, who understand your plight. even though we're all anonymous, we all have experienced the same crushing pain you have, and the after pain...of depression, it may come in different forms, but we all have been there. Hurt... we're here for you...hugs... If at all possible try to get through without meds, just my opinion. Thank you for your sympathy. I'm scared of trying meds, so believe me I'll try other ways first. It's true this process after heartbreaks are very bothersome, long, and incredibly unstable. I actually believe all the time I spent with my ex isn't worth what I'm going through now, and I think I'll always believe that but I don't know for sure since I haven't accepted it all yet. What boggles my mind is the fact that what I feel doesn't feel like it comes from the breakup. Like you mentioned, you know why you hurt and it brings calmness to you because at least you have a whole website here to back you up and tell you that what you're going through is normal and to just give it time. But I don't know why I hurt, and that's what's scaring me right now. I feel depressed and for once, it doesn't feel like it's because of the breakup. But then why am I upset? And I agree with you, LS works wonders. I don't know where I would be right now if it wasn't for this site (probably a mental hospital, to be honest). It provides so much guidance and support and I think those are two very essential things for recovery after a hard breakup. Thank you for taking your time and replying, it always feels good to know somebody is reading your posts and taking the time to reply I'm in the exact situation you are right now. I don't know how to respond. This reply alone makes me feel better, thank you. It's happened to me, too, reading someone's post and relating to it so much you don't know what to say lol.
Author This Hurts Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 HUrt, I reread your post.. You said " you're used to being depressed with your ex, ever thought you had become conditioned to being depressed? Kind of like a habit of being depressed, it's become your default way of being??? Like a woman who's used to being treated badly, when she's in a good relationship, she messes it up, because she's conditioned to being treated badly. How hard are you fighting against the depression? Yeah, that actually wouldn't surprise me. I've been depressed because of my ex most of the past 2 years, but it wasn't as hard because I at least had someone to tell me "I love you" at the end of the day. I don't know why I let her treat me so badly, but she really did destroy me. I guess this is the outcome but I don't know how to deal with it. Plus I have a feeling I have some personal issues I have to work out (child sexual abuse that came out for the first time in over a decade just a few months ago, for example) that are just tangling in with everything else. I've told people before, my brain feels like it's just a bunch of tangled wires lately. I'm just focusing on doing what feels good, honestly. I'm not really focused on doing the right thing, like from a textbook: 1) exercise daily 2) eat yours fruits and veggies 3) have a bedtime... you get the idea I'm just doing what makes me feel better like hanging out with friends, seeing my family, etc. I was seeing a therapist for a couple of months but I honestly don't think she knows what she was doing, so I dropped her. I don't have any therapist at the moment, but I should be getting one soon. I'm right there with you, man. Under-employed, over 30, pouring love into a woman who doesn't really seem interested in it, no real job prospects despite having two college degrees, very few friends that I can really talk to about my problems, plenty of friends who are drunks and will probably die at 55. It's really scary. I'm becoming more and more convinced that I'm going to end up poor and alone. I'm sure I'll be checking and posting on this site all night, so feel free to write everything you think and feel. We are here with you, man. It's so odd how our lifestyles seem so different but when it comes to how we feel, it's the same case. For me the situation is more like: lost and confused, literally no true relationship/friendship with anyone, nothing to look forward to, at a ripe age but don't know where I'm heading, unfocused, doubtful, the list goes on. You just helped me realize all my problems are internal... because I'm supposed to be at my prime right now; just finished my first year of college, my career is supposed to be ahead of me, my social life is supposed to be at it's best right now... and I have the opportunities for all of this but it just feels nothing like that. Everything feels hopeless and never-ending. Confusing stuff. You either give in to it or find a way through it... Are you eating? Good food and eating consistently through out the day? Are you getting exercise, even if you do not feel like it, just start walking in a direction for 20 mins, Are you sleeping? Are you journal your thoughts? Are you taking to someone? None are a cure, but they will all help a little and a bunch of littles starts to add up. . The answer to all of those is pretty much no, except for sleeping. This is obviously not helping me but it feels more complicated than that. I'm eating junk whenever I crave it... I guess it's an emotional coping thing. If I'm feeling down and ice cream sounds good, then I'll eat ice cream 'cause it'll make me feel better. I have no motivation to eat healthy, and that's terrible and also extremely surprising from someone like m; I used to be so health-conscious before all of this turmoil. Talking to someone is definitely a no. I have no one to talk to who will make me feel better. People just make me feel like they don't want to listen to my sh*t, except people on here which means pretty much the only time I let stuff out is on LS. I tried writing the other day but whenever I'm about to start writing down my feeling, my mind goes blank. The used to happen when I went to see my therapist, too. I would have so much to say but once I was in there, my mind went blank. I don't understand
GrayClouds Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Yeah, that actually wouldn't surprise me. I've been depressed because of my ex most of the past 2 years, but it wasn't as hard because I at least had someone to tell me "I love you" at the end of the day. I don't know why I let her treat me so badly, but she really did destroy me. I guess this is the outcome but I don't know how to deal with it. Plus I have a feeling I have some personal issues I have to work out (child sexual abuse that came out for the first time in over a decade just a few months ago, for example) that are just tangling in with everything else. I've told people before, my brain feels like it's just a bunch of tangled wires lately. I'm just focusing on doing what feels good, honestly. I'm not really focused on doing the right thing, like from a textbook: 1) exercise daily 2) eat yours fruits and veggies 3) have a bedtime... you get the idea I'm just doing what makes me feel better like hanging out with friends, seeing my family, etc. I was seeing a therapist for a couple of months but I honestly don't think she knows what she was doing, so I dropped her. I don't have any therapist at the moment, but I should be getting one soon. It's so odd how our lifestyles seem so different but when it comes to how we feel, it's the same case. For me the situation is more like: lost and confused, literally no true relationship/friendship with anyone, nothing to look forward to, at a ripe age but don't know where I'm heading, unfocused, doubtful, the list goes on. You just helped me realize all my problems are internal... because I'm supposed to be at my prime right now; just finished my first year of college, my career is supposed to be ahead of me, my social life is supposed to be at it's best right now... and I have the opportunities for all of this but it just feels nothing like that. Everything feels hopeless and never-ending. Confusing stuff. The answer to all of those is pretty much no, except for sleeping. This is obviously not helping me but it feels more complicated than that. I'm eating junk whenever I crave it... I guess it's an emotional coping thing. If I'm feeling down and ice cream sounds good, then I'll eat ice cream 'cause it'll make me feel better. I have no motivation to eat healthy, and that's terrible and also extremely surprising from someone like m; I used to be so health-conscious before all of this turmoil. Talking to someone is definitely a no. I have no one to talk to who will make me feel better. People just make me feel like they don't want to listen to my sh*t, except people on here which means pretty much the only time I let stuff out is on LS. I tried writing the other day but whenever I'm about to start writing down my feeling, my mind goes blank. The used to happen when I went to see my therapist, too. I would have so much to say but once I was in there, my mind went blank. I don't understand Well now you know what you need to be doing. eating junk, with a lot of sugar, will contribute to the depression after the initial rush. So get rid of the junk and go shopping have only the good stuff in your house. Next go walking, yes you do not feel like it but if your tired of feeling like you do then you have to do what you do not feel like doing. Then regarding writing, do not write about your feeling just write. Write about today weather, write about your walk, write about what you going to eat tomorrow,just start writing and do not stop until you feel a page. Write on word over and over if you have to but write. Write but do not edit, do not correct spelling nor grammar just write. It is time to do and you can, you may not see it but I do you are reedy, you just need to push yourself to. .
Author This Hurts Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 Well now you know what you need to be doing. eating junk, with a lot of sugar, will contribute to the depression after the initial rush. So get rid of the junk and go shopping have only the good stuff in your house. Next go walking, yes you do not feel like it but if your tired of feeling like you do then you have to do what you do not feel like doing. Then regarding writing, do not write about your feeling just write. Write about today weather, write about your walk, write about what you going to eat tomorrow,just start writing and do not stop until you feel a page. Write on word over and over if you have to but write. Write but do not edit, do not correct spelling nor grammar just write. It is time to do and you can, you may not see it but I do you are reedy, you just need to push yourself to. . Thank you for the advice. I'll try harder and I'll let you know how it goes. It should also keep me busy until I get a new therapist. I'm not sure how the writing helps if it's completely random, though. I have conversations with myself in my head about random stuff all the time
Aim2Plze Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I can totally relate to what you are going through right now. My wife and I split up a few months ago after I checked cell phone records and found that she was cheating on me. When I confronted her, she said "I want a divorce" and said that the only time she wanted to hear from me was to know when the divorce was going to be final. I told her that since she wanted it, she could get her $%^&*ing boyfriend pay for it and haven't heard from her since. With regard to help ease the pain, I did get some meds but they are not really helping that much. What I found does help is going to meetings of any kind that deal with any issues you may have. For example, I started going to Adult Children of Alcoholics, and it really does help to hear other people's stories that are way worse than mine. I read somewhere that you should try to go to a meeting every night. Right now, that is tough because my vehicle is dead. Getting exercise also helps me ... riding my bike or walking. This forum is also great!
Author This Hurts Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 I can totally relate to what you are going through right now. My wife and I split up a few months ago after I checked cell phone records and found that she was cheating on me. When I confronted her, she said "I want a divorce" and said that the only time she wanted to hear from me was to know when the divorce was going to be final. I told her that since she wanted it, she could get her $%^&*ing boyfriend pay for it and haven't heard from her since. With regard to help ease the pain, I did get some meds but they are not really helping that much. What I found does help is going to meetings of any kind that deal with any issues you may have. For example, I started going to Adult Children of Alcoholics, and it really does help to hear other people's stories that are way worse than mine. I read somewhere that you should try to go to a meeting every night. Right now, that is tough because my vehicle is dead. Getting exercise also helps me ... riding my bike or walking. This forum is also great! Thanks for your reply and welcome to LS! How long has it been since you last talked to her? And thanks for your insight on the meds... just what I thought, don't really work. Or maybe meds are more for people with an actual imbalance rather than a heartache I've never been to a meeting, though I thought about it and it seems like it would be helpful. How are they?
BiAxident Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I'm just doing what makes me feel better like hanging out with friends, seeing my family, etc. I was seeing a therapist for a couple of months but I honestly don't think she knows what she was doing, so I dropped her. I don't have any therapist at the moment, but I should be getting one soon. For me the situation is more like: lost and confused, literally no true relationship/friendship with anyone, nothing to look forward to, at a ripe age but don't know where I'm heading, unfocused, doubtful, the list goes on. You just helped me realize all my problems are internal... because I'm supposed to be at my prime right now; just finished my first year of college, my career is supposed to be ahead of me, my social life is supposed to be at it's best right now... and I have the opportunities for all of this but it just feels nothing like that. Everything feels hopeless and never-ending. Well, all of our (relationship) problems are internal. That doesnt make them any less painful, and makes them more difficult to treat, although not nearly impossible. And while I'm not here to point out contradiction, you did say that you were hanging out with friends, right? So you must have a true friendship with someone, yes? Also, try not to worry about what society says you are "supposed" to be doing at a particular phase of your life. Plenty of college students become stressed, homesick, lonely, depressed, etc, etc. The important thing is that you acknowledge that you have a problem, and that you take active steps to correct that problem. Seeing a therapist, and seeking out the right one for you, is probably a great idea. I've been to them before, but never really had any "a-ha" moment where everything clicked. Then again, I was always a bit reserved and guarded during my sessions. Still, if I could afford it, I would see a therapist weekly. Like so many of us though, this site becomes my catharsis. If only we had a 24/7 chatroom.
smk Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I am going through exactly the same thing. Am on the verge of breaking NC (its been less than 48 hours) and all I want to do is phone and her tell her not to let go of what we had. Our break up was pretty complicated or at least I think it was (lots of race issues from her family) and towards the end she had switched off completely in terms of her feelings. Here I am feeling sorry for myself, down in the dumps, for being left by someone who obviously did not love me enough to fight for me and all I do is feel guilty that maybe I didnt do enough to save the relationship. All I keep on doing is going back and forth playing what if scenarios in my head. I want to phone her up right now and beg her to forget the whole thing and to fight for me, and to let me prove to her that I will keep her happy for the rest of my life. But I wont. And I do hate this feeling - I just wish it would end.
jond77 Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I am going through exactly the same thing. Am on the verge of breaking NC (its been less than 48 hours) and all I want to do is phone and her tell her not to let go of what we had. Our break up was pretty complicated or at least I think it was (lots of race issues from her family) and towards the end she had switched off completely in terms of her feelings. Here I am feeling sorry for myself, down in the dumps, for being left by someone who obviously did not love me enough to fight for me and all I do is feel guilty that maybe I didnt do enough to save the relationship. All I keep on doing is going back and forth playing what if scenarios in my head. I want to phone her up right now and beg her to forget the whole thing and to fight for me, and to let me prove to her that I will keep her happy for the rest of my life. But I wont. And I do hate this feeling - I just wish it would end. know what you are going through, my head is crazy at the moment. It does get better though. Each day is a little less crazy. Stick to NC. I couldn't as we had possessions we had to sort out. It meant I kept regressing and I kept hearing about what she was up to. So take it from me, STICK TO NC! It appears to be the only answer.
worlybear Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Read your thread today because to be honest I was just about to write a new thread on how lousy I feel and then I saw yours! Today is a very bad day for me. I am lonely and hurting and feeling very sorry for myself. I do know the trigger- I'm alone, my oldest daughter is in Africa and my youngest is at school so I went to sort out some benefits/ housing allowance. I feel so depressed and humiliated- I've never claimed before but there are no teaching jobs until Sept and I'm determined not to be forced out of the profession I love as well as losing my husband and home. Re meds: for what it's worth I 've found them helpful but I am lucky in that I have a very understanding Doctor whom I've known for many years. Being single is very hard and if you are companionable it's very lonely too. I do try to swim/walk regularly and have joined a social group BUT I do feel very exposed due to the public nature of my ex's treachery(posted much earlier on LS). Like you, I find going through the motions and taking onboard the sensible way to handle things just too much sometimes. Like today. Hope you're feeling better soon (and I hope I am too). Otherwise what the hell's it all for?
BiAxident Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Like you, I find going through the motions and taking onboard the sensible way to handle things just too much sometimes. Like today. Hope you're feeling better soon (and I hope I am too). Otherwise what the hell's it all for? "It" is to be enjoyed. However, I suspect that the refugees of the Haiti earthquake, etc arent doing all that well. Th?ere isnt necessarily a right to happiness in life. Thinking about that (the earthquake) makes me realize how much that I DO have to be greatful for. Still, at the same time, I wonder who has it better, people like us who feel very alone but have clean water, all the food we want, warmth, etc, or people who live without our conveniences but have a tribal existence to keep them company?
worlybear Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Yep.You're right to point out that there are terrible tragedies all over the world and in comparison it's not too bad for us dumpees. But to me, trundling along in my everyday life, today is crap for me and looking at world disasters as a comparison, reminds me of being told to eat up all my unwanted dinner as a child, "because some poor children haven't got anything to eat." I think that global tragedy is a completely different ball game- and if, God forbid, some terrible natural disastee front struck I would be at the front of the queue, helping and supporting. But not today.
BiAxident Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Me neither, I'm too busy trying to decide if I want to ask my XGF if she has anything new to tell me about how she feels about me. I'm welcome to go visit her tonight, although she didn't invite me, I called her (though she called to invite me over last week Thursday). It's either that, or I keep twisting in the wind while free to hug and kiss and squeeze and hold her, knowing each time that I do it, that it could be the last.
GrayClouds Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Thank you for the advice. I'll try harder and I'll let you know how it goes. It should also keep me busy until I get a new therapist. I'm not sure how the writing helps if it's completely random, though. I have conversations with myself in my head about random stuff all the time It can take a few tries to find a therapist that works. So do not get discourage if the first one did not hit it off or if you did not find it useful. And even when you do find one you like it may take a few vistis before it gels with you both. Yes even random can help a great deal. One, it gets it out of your head and that alone helps the obsessive thoughts, sometimes it is that random stuff that is indirectly keeping you in one place. Getting them out give room for more productive thoughts. Secondly once you get going you never know what may tumble out and you will find entertaining, enlightening, or simply encouraging. Keep post and us up to date.
EmperorR Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I know how it feels I'm a grown man but sometimes I get really down, its been almost two years since my ex fiancé left me for another guy she just met and there still together and engaged, while I'm a lonely ass bastard whose been dumped twice after. Just gotta suck it up and hope things turn around
Author This Hurts Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 Keep post and us up to date. Well, what's impeding me from getting a new therapist is some health issues I currently have going on. I have a scarred kidney I'm most likely going to need surgery for very soon, and I'm not sure I could afford a therapist just yet. Also, after my last therapist, I'm going to be more careful with finding someone who's actually professional. I really don't think she knew what she was doing. I'll be looking at things other than how cheap the prices are... I now know her sessions were cheap for a reason But again, that's just going to be more expensive, which I'm expecting but we'll just have to wait and see how fast that can come. As for writing down whatever comes to mind, I tried it yesterday. I've always been a perfectionist and I honestly think it gets in the way of a few aspects of my life. It's not a trait I'm fond of, but it's something I've lived with my whole life and even though I don't know where it comes from, I've learned to live with it. I wrote about three journal entries of just random thoughts. My initial intent was to vent the anger and depression I was feeling at the moment and it kind of started out that way, but then as one thought brings up another, I start writing whatever is coming to mind and then at the end of it all, I feel like a mess. I don't mean to be difficult and I really wish I could find satisfaction in writing down random thoughts and feelings, since it would be a much more simple escape than smoking weed or going to sleep, but it's hard for me. I'll read over my entries and realize how I'm jumping from thought to thought and how irrational I sound and it really, really frustrates me. It makes me feel disorganized and like I'm just simply not making any sense. I do, however, feel like if I continue writing, eventually my thoughts will start to organize themselves and it'll seem more put together. I also liked how the entries reflected me internally. On the outside, I'm really who I am but it doesn't match my head which feels neurotic as hell, messy, and lost (for lack of a better word). I could never thank my fellow LSers enough for the support and insight. In a way, you're all my best friends.
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