thromback Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Hello, I've been dating a girl from Holland for 2 years. We have been LDR for about 6 months. We have flown to see each other numerous times. Past few months have been extremely difficult because shes in France. Very bad internet connection so we can't skype or even IM each other. We got in a huge fight over something stupid (but I kind of started a new one out of it). Well I ended up saying that you only want to get married for citizenship (she has been talking about marriage for about a yr into the relationship and like she used to talk about living in America everyday). She got extremely offended (which is reasonable) and apologized and everything if that's how it came off that she only wanted to get married over citizenship. She rarely emails me and I'm always initiating contact. I apologized several times and she said its ok and everything good. Shes coming to see me for two months in September, but my problem is when we are apart she never seems to care about not talking. Any outside suggestions? Please let me know if I need to be more clear. Thanks in advanced
lordWilhelm Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Have you tried telling her how you feel about her not initiating contact? What was her response?
Enchanted Girl Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 How do you guys communicate if you can't skype or IM one another? That might be part of the problem.
StarrySkyBlue Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Some people are just very independent and don't need to talk all the time. My boyfriend said he didn't feel the need to talk every day, but I do. And I know he tries, but usually I still feel neglected. Don't get me wrong, though. I totally trust him. I've tried to tell him how it makes me feel when he doesn't seem to want to talk, but I don't think he really understands. He reassures me he misses me but he just doesn't need to talk every day. Communication is the key, though. What you said (about getting citizenship) was very hurtful, and to be very honest if my boyfriend said something like that to me I'd probably break up with him on the spot and even if he apologized I'd still be very mad at him. If she went cold after the incident, I can totally understand.
LittleTiger Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I'm going to be brutally honest here, so apologies if what I say isn't what you want to hear. I've been in an LDR three times in my life. The first time with my boyfriend who became my husband, the second time, with my husband at the end of our marriage, and the third time with my current boyfriend. My comments are based on my own experiences and obviously everybody is different so take from it whatever you wish. There was no skype etc 15 years ago in the first LDR and yet we talked every few days on the phone, for as long as we could afford. He wanted to talk as much as I did. Two years ago at the end of my marriage we talked on skype every few days - whenever HE had the time. I wanted to talk every day, he said he didn't need to talk that often. Said he still loved me and missed me but he was fine with an occasional chat. A few months later he ended our marriage. Now, with my current boyfriend we talk on skype several hours most days, plus the odd phone call and several texts. We've been doing this for 8 months. If anything he's probably worse than I am for needing constant contact. Two of these LDR's I consider successful, one of them I don't. I'm sure there is more to your relationship than you've given away here but it wouldn't surprise me if you were right when you said she was just after citizenship! If she's doesn't need contact every day, why does she want to marry you?
Author thromback Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 Well idk maybe we are losing our "spark", but it's always me bothered by the distance. She isn't the type of girl to cheat, but I told her what's been bothering me and the response is sorry I'm busy a lot but I'll come and see you in September. So I'm at the point now where I am just like fed up and may just call it quits. It wasn't always like this, but she kind of turned the whole marriage incident around on me like oh I can't believe you don't trust me and all of that bs. Keep in mind I'm 21..... shes 22. Well I am just going in surf trips with my buddies on the weekends now and not being as available (unfortunately you can't always be yourself and people play games when they have been dating you for two years...). She always like, but I email you! And she doesn't as often but it's because "she works a lot." And how do we stay in contact? Yet, when I worked 60+ hours a week and went to school full-time I found time to talk. She also 6 hours ahead of time, but her interest level is probably down, but oh well. I talk to her on the telephone if she even picks up. Too bad she isn't replying back on the board, so maybe there's a fresh perspective and I'm overreacting or being one-sided?? I don't know, but I am leaning towards ending this and just moving on.
Spiritofnow Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Seems like you have different expectations regarding how often you communicate. I think that can be a very difficult dynamic to sort out, and add that to the fact that you are unsure of whether you totally trust her intentions/true feelings and it becomes a recipe for disaster. As you are young I wonder if taking another approach may help? - sometimes the way we communicate what are needs are can cause the friction you feel, which ends up harming your relationship, and makes you both competitors rather than team players. Have you simply asked for more communication? Like; ' hey I think having more communication with you would make me feel happier and I know how busy you are, but it would really help me while we are in a LDR." Then see what she says? Sometimes we get caught up in 'you don't do this and you don't do that, but I do this and I do that' and it makes it hard for you both to feel like a team when that is going on. Being in a trusting relationship means that you feel safe enough to ask for what is important to you. Just a thought...
Author thromback Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 hey, I didn't say it like that you don't do this or you don't do that. I said exactly, " It bothers me that we don't talk a lot. I understand you are busy and so am I, however could you please try to make more time to talk so we don't grow apart." Her response was, "I'm busy sorry." I sent her a long thoughtful email about everything last night. I had a one sentence email soccer games on talk to you later sorry. So I am like annoyed, but there's times when she wants to talk more than I do. It's kind of a cycle that goes back and forth.
LittleTiger Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 hey, I didn't say it like that you don't do this or you don't do that. I said exactly, " It bothers me that we don't talk a lot. I understand you are busy and so am I, however could you please try to make more time to talk so we don't grow apart." Her response was, "I'm busy sorry." I sent her a long thoughtful email about everything last night. I had a one sentence email soccer games on talk to you later sorry. So I am like annoyed, but there's times when she wants to talk more than I do. It's kind of a cycle that goes back and forth. She obviously wasn't too busy to pick up her email? If anybody told me they're too busy to talk to me cos they're watching a soccer game I'd call it quits. Red rag to a bull in my case. When I was in the failing LDR with my husband and we hadn't seen each other for months, the first thing he did when he walked through the door was turn on the tv to watch a Wimbledon match - and it wasn't even a final! I knew right then it was over. I would save yourself a lot of grief here thromback. LDRs are hard enough when you're both making an effort. When it's all one sided it's just pointless and soul destroying.
StarrySkyBlue Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 hey, I didn't say it like that you don't do this or you don't do that. I said exactly, " It bothers me that we don't talk a lot. I understand you are busy and so am I, however could you please try to make more time to talk so we don't grow apart." Her response was, "I'm busy sorry." I sent her a long thoughtful email about everything last night. I had a one sentence email soccer games on talk to you later sorry. So I am like annoyed, but there's times when she wants to talk more than I do. It's kind of a cycle that goes back and forth. Wow, that's cold... Is she like that when you're physically together, e.g. showing signs of liking extreme independence, low tolerance of dramatic stuff, not romantic, etc? I think there's something she is not telling you. Either she is mad at you, or she's falling out of love with you, or she's going through a life crisis. Are you sure the marriage incident was really resolved? Anyway, if she's not responding, I'd just stop contacting her. Clearly she's barring you out of her life somehow, and it seems you have no idea what's happening. Until she's ready to talk, there's nothing you can do about it. I agree with LittleTiger. LDRs are hard enough even with open communication. If that breaks down, I'm afraid there's no way the relationship can continue.
Author thromback Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 Yea and the thing is when I try and "talk" about it she is driven away even more. All I can do is focus my attention on hobbies and friends when shes cold and bitchy, then she calls me and says she misses me. So then I emailed her back and she hasn't emailed me. I am going to Atlantic City next weekend and on a surf trip this weekend to get my mind off her. Obviously I should break up with her but Idk I do really like her a lot, but I am hurt at the same time and I now am forced to be distant myself. I get extremely angry and sad when she does stuff like this, but I can control how she acts or feels, so she knows how I feel abotu everything already, so all I can do is just focus on my own life at this point. It's very depressing because I never cheated on her or anything and I have been nothing but a good boyfriend, besides the occasional fighting. Obviously my story is biased because it's coming from me and I'm sure she could point out problems in our relationship, but I am not going to iniate contact and I lowered my bar of expectations. I ended my last ldr because of not enough talking. I am giving her one last chance before I give up. Thanks for hearing me complain.
LittleTiger Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 thromback, your girlfriend is being completely disrespectful of your needs and, at the moment, you are allowing her to treat you this way. When you say you really like her a lot, what is it that you like about her. You describe her as cold and bitchy. Is that the sort of person you like? I'm sure she must have a lot of redeeming qualities which attracted you to her in the first place, but cold and bitchy would be a deal breaker for me however wonderful the person was in other ways. I think your complaints about her are absolutely justified and I hope she stops treating you this way. Sadly, I suspect she won't. I'm not sure she even deserves a second chance but obviously that's your call.
Author thromback Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Well it's not like I am ugly or unconfident in finding another girlfriend. I think the thing that m akes me like her the most is her sexy dutch accent, and her intelligence. I am only sharing with you the negative things about our relationship, but when I try to make things better by "talking" about it she is driven away immensiley. I know it's unhealthy. The thing is though whenever she spends months here we don't fight at all and its the most amazing thing in the world. I am feeling really depressed just because of her and I do miss her, but I know like objectively speaking I should break up with her. Embarassingly enough, I feel like I am a bit feminine in that I get extremly attached to people I date, so maybe it's some self-improvement I need to work on. I tend to act on feelings more than logic. I am really sad right now and just wish this would end..
Romance Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 I get a similar way with my boyfriend. I kind of put up this small wall after we haven't seen each other for a bit. I kind of have to close down a little emotionally and pretend I don't care that I am not with my boyfriend, or I drive myself insane. So, I end up acting cold towards him because it just hurts. It doesn't mean I don't want ot be with him, I just can't handle being lovey dovey when I won't see him for a long time.
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