AmeliaApple Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 This post may just be a rant, so don't feel obligated to read/reply. It is something that should be in a journal, but I don't know how to start one on this site and it is somehow more cathartic to put it "out there" rather than just collecting it in some document. My number one recommendation for anyone who is going through this stuff is to find a good counselor that you trust. I am lucky enough to have found one that helps me stay on track and doesn't allow me to "sweep things under the rug." I have a tendency to allow the excuses for everything, when in reality sometimes the excuses are simply not good enough. My husband and I had a good weekend together. He was here for the 4th and we talked about a few issues. I've mentioned it in older posts, but my husband does have some baggage (I know, we all do, but I think he has a little more than most). One of the things that is really strange is that my husband has such a hard time talking about sex. We've been together for 5 years and I only recently got him to tell me about whether or not he masturbates, likes porn, etc. I don't completely understand it, but it makes it difficult to talk about sex in general. He can joke or be suggestive, but cannot really talk about it without getting angry. I am incredibly comfortable with discussing it and experimenting, but this is actually the most sexually conservative relationship I've ever been in and I don't know how to address that issue at the same time I'm trying to work on the other parts of our marriage. Sex is an important part of any relationship, but I feel so disconnected to him and cannot talk to him about it. I do a lot for him, but he just doesn't seem to take much pleasure in pleasing me. That is difficult. I want to be with someone comfortable having sex outside of the bedroom, who wants to experiment, who wants to make it better together. While I love sex, I do have the very common issue for women that sometimes sex is painful. That doesn't deter me from it, but I've been working with my OBGYN, who is awesome, on different techniques to overcome this. One "technique" is actually practicing with a vibrator/dildo. Now this could be a really great sexual experience for my husband and I, but he wants nothing do to with sexual "toys"...even if it will help our sex life. I love my husband very much, but I do get tired of feeling like I'm giving and giving, but don't get much support in return. But I tend to be bullheaded, so I'll keep working until I cannot work anymore.
lordWilhelm Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Here's one question. How do you typically bring up these discussions and in what context?
Author AmeliaApple Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 LW....that's a great question. I'll bring it up in general conversation/interactions...never during sex. I try to bring it up in a nonthreatening way so I don't scare him into shutting down, but it seems like an exceptionally embarrassing topic for him. It really makes him so uncomfortable to the point that he tells me to stop talking about it within about 5 minutes. For a man to be so uncomfortable talking about sex, no offense, that seems very strange to me.
xxoo Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 You say he gets angry---ime, some men feel/express anger when they are actually embarrassed, sad, frightened, anxious, etc, because anger is more "socially appropriate" for men then those "weaker" emotions. Do you know what he is really feeling when you talk about sex? My first thought is that he may have been sexually abused as a child
Author AmeliaApple Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 xxoo.....I truly think he feels some type of shame/embarrassment. He has this habit of covering himself up in front of me. He's done this since we first met. Meaning, if he has to change in front of me, he covers his genitals. Which is strange for a number of reasons, not the least being that I've seen them many times, but he continues to do it to this day. The only time he doesn't cover up so overtly is if he is aroused. I know he dealt with abuse, but I don't know anything about there being sexual abuse and he does not have memories before like 10 years old.
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