smk Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 I know this is a random question and probably pretty silly as well however post break up have any of you kept on going back and revisiting the relationship in your mind and contemplating if there were other reasons for the break up despite what the dumpee told you were the reasons? basically have you thought that there is more, that maybe they were cheating on you, or I dont know could be anything but the actualy reason that they told you? Do you sometimes think that you just want to confront them and not accept their reasons for the break? I know at the moment I keep on thinking one of 2 things: 1) I do believe that the reasons we broke up were genuine however there is a part of me that thinks that she may have been cheating or I dont know - and after I have thought those things and made myself angry I then feel guilty of doubting her. (for those of you that dont know my story we broke up because her dad is racist and we are both of different races and he has a lot of control over her) 2) the second thing is that at the moment I keep on thinking that she has moved on - I keep on getting these silly thoughts in my mind where I see her happy at this very moment talking to someone else on the phone etc.. Again I get angry and then I get guilty for doubting her... All of this is driving me abso-freakin-lutely insane.... Anyways I told you it was a stupid questions but just wondering if anyone else comes up with these thoughts...
AlwaysConflicted Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 It's not a silly question. Yes, I have wondered if my ex was telling me the truth. My ex told me that she didn't want a boyfriend right now and cited several negative things about me. However, those negative things were taken completely out of context. The truth is that you'll never actually know what happened. Most dumpers do not tell you the full truth. They tell you the easiest piece of the truth. And most attractive women have plenty of guys on the peripheral. They get hit on quite a bit. My ex is gorgeous...I used to watch guys hit on her and random guys would text her all the time. I'm a very confident person so it never bothered me while we were together. I bring this up because I now believe my ex was emotionally cheating on me with another man. In fact, as more time has passed I've been able to look at the situation from a different perspective. I think I know who the guy is since she introduced me to him once before. He actually called her on the phone 1 week before our breakup and I didn't think anything of it. I probably won't ever know for sure, but in most cases we don't get the full truth. I think in my case it was a combination of things. It's usually not so black and white. I'm not sure about your case because the father sounds like a maniac, but you never know. You'd think that if she truly loved you, nothing could stop that emotion. Not even an angry dad. Maybe she used her dad as an excuse. Maybe she loved you but not as much as you loved her. It's all so messed up... Regardless, you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want you. It takes 2 people to make the relationship work. You can't be expected to bend over backwards while she sits idle. The most important thing is that you start to heal. You'll grow from this situation whether you like it or not. Keeping posting and reading, it'll help you cope. We're here for you.
tanbark813 Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Who hasn't done that? I think the mental revisiting is just part of the bargaining stage of grief.
Author smk Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 It's not a silly question. Yes, I have wondered if my ex was telling me the truth. That’s exactly what I felt – I do believe that her reasons (her dad) but there was a part of me that felt there were more issues – maybe that was just me trying to feel better about it but I guess I will never know the full story. And most attractive women have plenty of guys on the peripheral. They get hit on quite a bit. My ex is gorgeous...I used to watch guys hit on her and random guys would text her all the time. I'm a very confident person so it never bothered me while we were together. I remember during the last week we had a lot of this. She had this one ex who she dated a long time ago who all of a sudden became a regular fixture. There were small things about the situation that bothered me but I didn’t take them too seriously simply because she explained the situation to me. Then the last week his name became more and more regular, to the extent one night when she was supposedly really stressed and wanted to be left alone and not talk to anyone, as soon as he called they ended up talking on the phone for 30 mins all the while she is laying in bed with me, the conversation somehow steered towards him asking her to have a baby with him – she did say no but she didn’t think to mention to him that she was seeing someone and living with him and that was disrespectful. When I brought this up with the she simply turned around and said that I was really starting to p*ss her off. I bring this up because I now believe my ex was emotionally cheating on me with another man. In fact, as more time has passed I've been able to look at the situation from a different perspective. I think I know who the guy is since she introduced me to him once before. He actually called her on the phone 1 week before our breakup and I didn't think anything of it. There is a part of me that believes that she did emotionally cheat on me with this ex – I can’t prove it but it’s this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I probably won't ever know for sure, but in most cases we don't get the full truth. I think in my case it was a combination of things. It's usually not so black and white. I'm not sure about your case because the father sounds like a maniac, but you never know. You'd think that if she truly loved you, nothing could stop that emotion. Not even an angry dad. Maybe she used her dad as an excuse. Maybe she loved you but not as much as you loved her. It's all so messed up... I have been thinking a lot lately about different things within our relationship and am starting to notice a lot signs that she was a CP. There were moments where she would pick arguments of the smallest things. She even said to me on several occasions that she had never felt so strongly for anyone before and that if she ever started acting distant or picked arguments for no reason I should tell her and remind her that she asked me to move in – that she brought up marriage and the works, etc… Regardless, you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want you. It takes 2 people to make the relationship work. You can't be expected to bend over backwards while she sits idle. I have also come to realise that I made a lot of compromises and sacrifices to my own beliefs for her, and now when I look back it truly shocks me to the core how much I had changed. I stopped hanging out with friends, I distanced my family and I basically bent over backwards. Don’t get me wrong I have no regrets but had I stood to my beliefs maybe things would have been different. The most important thing is that you start to heal. You'll grow from this situation whether you like it or not. Keeping posting and reading, it'll help you cope. We're here for you. This is what I am going to keep doing – and I now know that over time I will heal, and maybe someday I will be able to pass all the things I learnt onto someone else. I do believe that everything in life happens for a reason, we meet people who always in some way shape or form truly effect our lives, maybe we meet them for a fleeting moment, maybe we spend a lifetime with them, its all about bettering yourself as an individual and becoming stronger. All said and done I have no regrets about what happened and I would relive it, simply because she made me grow up, as weird as that sounds, before I met her I was a little all over the place in my personal life, and I know and believe that I do truly love her unconditionally and accepted her for who she was and would never change that.
BiAxident Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Who hasn't done that? I think the mental revisiting is just part of the bargaining stage of grief. Bargaining stage? Care to elaborate? Given that you've almost topped 10,000 posts, evidentially enough to earn that halo over your head, I suspect you have some wisdom to share?
BiAxident Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Then the last week his name became more and more regular, to the extent one night when she was supposedly really stressed and wanted to be left alone and not talk to anyone, as soon as he called they ended up talking on the phone for 30 mins all the while she is laying in bed with me, the conversation somehow steered towards him asking her to have a baby with him – she did say no but she didn’t think to mention to him that she was seeing someone and living with him and that was disrespectful. When I brought this up with the she simply turned around and said that I was really starting to p*ss her off. Wow, that is awful! So disrespectful! I know it hurts, it must hurt a lot! Yet, realize that if she said/did this to you, she clearly isn't that good for/to you. Try to bear that in mind as you move on
Author smk Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 Wow, that is awful! So disrespectful! I know it hurts, it must hurt a lot! Yet, realize that if she said/did this to you, she clearly isn't that good for/to you. Try to bear that in mind as you move on the irony here is that there was a point in our relationship where I once mentioned the fact that I had spoken to an ex of mine (someone who started of as a friend and we thought we may give dating a try before realising we were better as friends) phoned me up to say that she was going to be in london and asked me if me if I wanted to meet up for a drink. Naturally my first reaction was to let her know that I was/am head over heels in love with someone and we were even talking about marriage. She was pleased because we are great friends to a certain extent, we had the sort of friendship where we rarely met or spoke but when we did we quickly caught up. I mentioned this to my GF and she turned around and said to me that I was being very disrespectful by keeping in contact with my ex whilst she was trying to tell her where to go. She went to the extent of not speaking to me and arguing and sulking with me for the next 3 days. I explained my relationship to her and said that I had know this girl since high school, we were purely platonic friends and even when we did date we both felt so awkward holding hands or kissing that we knew we could never be more than friends. She still went on about how disrespectful I was to say that we would both meet her, etc... I have always believed in honesty within a relationship and never hid anything from my GF and maybe that was my mistake. LOL... This guy that she was on the phone too was someone she dated 3 years ago, who dumped her over e-mail and said that they should not have "hard feelings". He was a man who after 6 months of dating refused to acknowledge her as his GF. He was someone she told me she spoke to once a year on Christmas. Even after all of this I am still sitting here beating myself up over someone who clearly did not think I was worth putting up a fight for. I changed my whole life and existence to make sure that she would be my focus of attention. Ahh the irony...
tanbark813 Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Bargaining stage? Care to elaborate? Given that you've almost topped 10,000 posts, evidentially enough to earn that halo over your head, I suspect you have some wisdom to share? You can Google the 5 stages of grief. They're typically related to mourning someone's death but they can apply to any major loss. Years ago (before the halo and wisdom ) I was a wreck after a breakup and would think and talk about things to death. It didn't occur to me until much later that it was almost like I subconsciously believed that if I kept rehashing things that somehow I'd find a little loophole that would magically make it all untrue. It was just the bargaining stage of grief (and maybe a little bit of denial mixed in). There's nothing wrong with doing some soul searching and reflection if you genuinely learn something positive about yourself, other people, relationships, whatever. But if that mental revisiting is driving you insane, as in the OP's case, then it's probably more like the bargaining stage. The former is constructive, the latter is destructive.
HeavenOrHell Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Yes, I've wondered whether there were more reasons because so many people were saying to me it can't just be that he felt neglected, I didn't doubt his reason until others said it can't be just that. I've asked him several times before and after we broke up and he says it was purely that reason. I am not 100% convinced. I don't mean he is lying to me but I do think there are reasons he might not be admitting to himself, let alone me, such as I was his first partner and we were together 18 years, maybe he wanted to experience other women, he is now with an old friend of mine who he has always had a thing for, he says he did not leave me for her, but how could he admit that to me, he knows it would have devastated me.
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