vattodo Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Hi Im a 29 year old male in relationship with a 30 year old female. I am in love with her and everything about her! we are compatible in every level and enjoy each other very much, prior to this relationship i was in a 7 year relationship and i already feel more love towards this person and my new relationship than i felt in the previous one....BUT Three days ago i found out alot about her past that i cannot accept....personally im a type of person that has very high morals and social values...i have always been in the scene, traveled, have had many female friends whom i had opportunities to be in a casual sexual relationship with but choose not to get in the whole sex scene....i see sex as more than just pleasure and fun rather an emotional and special interaction between two people, i absolutely see nothing wrong with having sex with your boyfriends, no matter how short the relationship, however i dont believe in casual sex. i have known my current gf for six months and we have been together for 4 months 24/7 without any exageration! we enjoy every second we spend together and we were so excited for the future until her past came up...ok so apart from her having 7 ex boyfriends, she went on a f***ing spree by sleeping with anyone from her best friend, secound cousin, having a one night stand with a guy in mykonos without a condom to getting raped by a arab guy in london and ending up going to a monaco trip with him in the same group the next day, just to name a few....in her own words she went from group to group hooking up with the cutest guys in college. in her own words she had slept with 7-10 guys and hooked up (not had sexual intercourse or oral) with another 15 guys during the same time. according to her this all happened from 25-26 years old. all the above to me are shallow and disgusting, it shows me a person with no self respect or standards, someone with no class...i never imagined i would marry a college slut, or i would enter a family where my wife had slept with another family member, to me thats just trailer trash...now while im in love with this person minus her past i cant seem to get over these facts. i would like to know your opinions about this situation, i would specialy appriciate cooments from people who have end up marrying their partners with similar past and how they coped with it. If you are going to write your opinion please state your age, gender and sexual background so i can get a better feel as to the advice im getting and whom im getting it from...thank you
Kentucky Jelly Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 This stuff happened 4 to 5 years ago. If this girl is as great as you say then find a way to deal with her past. I wouldn't give it a second thought unless she had some STD that I needed to worry about. What lesson have you learned from all of this? Don't discuss past sexual escapades with your girlfriend. Especially if you ego is fragile and easily bruised. Because inevitably one person will have been more adventuresome than the other. In your case, at your age, with your "high moral and social values" every woman you date is bound to be more experienced than you are. Male, 43, Hetero
Engadget Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 This seems obvious, but if it bothers you and you don't think you can deal with it you probably shouldn't be with her. Sounds to me like she either just likes sex, or was looking for a connection with someone so she slept around. Being raped by a guy and going on a trip with him in a group is a bit wacky though, I can't imagine why anyone would do that.
SarahRose Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 If you don't want to hear the answer, then don't ask the question. I don't know why people do this. It is like purposely hitting your finger with a hammer.
SilentVoice Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Usually I will be all for " What is in the past is in the past", But "getting raped by a arab guy in london and ending up going to a monaco trip with him in the same group the next day" and sleeping with her "second cousin". She seems very unstable. I understand it was a couple years back, but I find the circumstances worse than the number. If you are not comfortable with her number now you will never be. And it will be wrong to keep someone around who you will end up resenting. 19,female,my what?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Hi Im a 29 year old male in relationship with a 30 year old female. I am in love with her and everything about her! we are compatible in every level and enjoy each other very much, prior to this relationship i was in a 7 year relationship and i already feel more love towards this person and my new relationship than i felt in the previous one....BUT Three days ago i found out alot about her past that i cannot accept....personally im a type of person that has very high morals and social values...i have always been in the scene, traveled, have had many female friends whom i had opportunities to be in a casual sexual relationship with but choose not to get in the whole sex scene....i see sex as more than just pleasure and fun rather an emotional and special interaction between two people, i absolutely see nothing wrong with having sex with your boyfriends, no matter how short the relationship, however i dont believe in casual sex. i have known my current gf for six months and we have been together for 4 months 24/7 without any exageration! we enjoy every second we spend together and we were so excited for the future until her past came up...ok so apart from her having 7 ex boyfriends, she went on a f***ing spree by sleeping with anyone from her best friend, secound cousin, having a one night stand with a guy in mykonos without a condom to getting raped by a arab guy in london and ending up going to a monaco trip with him in the same group the next day, just to name a few....in her own words she went from group to group hooking up with the cutest guys in college. in her own words she had slept with 7-10 guys and hooked up (not had sexual intercourse or oral) with another 15 guys during the same time. according to her this all happened from 25-26 years old. all the above to me are shallow and disgusting, it shows me a person with no self respect or standards, someone with no class...i never imagined i would marry a college slut, or i would enter a family where my wife had slept with another family member, to me thats just trailer trash...now while im in love with this person minus her past i cant seem to get over these facts. i would like to know your opinions about this situation, i would specialy appriciate cooments from people who have end up marrying their partners with similar past and how they coped with it. If you are going to write your opinion please state your age, gender and sexual background so i can get a better feel as to the advice im getting and whom im getting it from...thank you It sounds, oddly, like the two of you deserve one another. Well, it is possible that she deserves better, but with your attitudes you definitely deserve exactly what you've spelled-out here. OMG she was "...raped by a(n) arab guy in London..." ??? What do London or the fact that he was an arab guy have to do with that? There is only one shallow and disgusting element in question here, and most of us can see that clearly.
Author vattodo Posted July 5, 2010 Author Posted July 5, 2010 (edited) london has nothing to do with it...but considering the social norm in the arab world where you can marry as many women as you like, and allow yourself to rape teenage girls for pleasure of sex and feel you are superior to women, and use them as sex objects, slaves, etc. and manage to hide it all by your wealth, shiny buildings, cars and yachts has everything to do with it...dont take my words out of context and im sorry if i have offended your people...and if you are not an arab, im sorry for your ignorance and how you choose to turn a blind eye to whats real. your money will always be green and accepted everywhere like mastercard or visa but your morals and social standards will not! Btw this view is not towards all arab men! Edited July 5, 2010 by vattodo
Choboto Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 its called having fun. Morals blind people to the truth. sex is just sex. there is noooo special thing about it. YOU put the specialty into it but sex is still just sex. having sex doesnt mean she disrespects herself....she may have had some relapses in judgment with the using no condom thing, but tahts bout it.
Choboto Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 london has nothing to do with it...but considering the social norm in the arab world where you can marry as many women as you like, and allow yourself to rape teenage girls for pleasure of sex and feel you are superior to women, and use them as sex objects, slaves, etc. and manage to hide it all by your wealth, shiny buildings, cars and yachts has everything to do with it...dont take my words out of context and im sorry if i have offended your people...and if you are not an arab, im sorry for your ignorance and how you choose to turn a blind eye to whats real. your money will always be green and accepted everywhere like mastercard or visa but your morals and social standards will not! Btw this view is not towards all arab men! morals are only a means to make people think they are better than other people. so basically you think your better than most people becuase you have these odd morals instilled by a *bad word* which entitle you to completely judge a person based on their past? I really hope these arnt Christian morals because,frankly, you really need to go read the Bible again and understand what your doin wrong here.
Author vattodo Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 Thanks for the comment however i didnt ask for your opinions about my morals...please stay on topic and if you cant advise me on how to deal with this situation and my relationship keep your comments to yourself or start another thread! and thank you for leting me know that "sex is just sex", for some of us its different, otherwise we still be in the animal category! learn to evolve and enlighten yourself and your consciousness. best of luck to both of you and thank you again for your irrelevent and off topic comments.
Krytie TV Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 OP, I would be bothered by the behaviors too. I don't blame you. Based on what she told you she sounds like she was a frat-mattress for a short time in her life. Hard to think of someone you love acting like that. Some things you just need to learn to repress. If you can't then you need to move on. Sad but true, but no one can make this past go away or make it easier to hear. You need to man up or get out. It's not a her thing either, resist all urges to bring this topic up as little digs to her when you're feeling sick about it because it's not her problem.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 advise me on how to deal with this situation and my relationship Vattodo, you need to exercise enough common sense to let this woman go, in order so that she can find someone upscale and more worthy of her love/company. You in turn should remain in search of a romantic partner who isn't dumb enough to confide anything in you. Personally I hope you stay with her, because guys like you deserve exactly what they get that way. You reap what you sow!
jenifer1972 Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 There have been some helpful discussions about this issue about 2 months back I guess? You could link with my name to find them. While you and she have a lot of other things in common you have a major clash in values about "sex as sport". This is the same problem my husband and I have. He was a playboy, I was never into casual sex. "High numbers" people are always going to flame you for a post like this. How to get over this? It is difficult. I am not completely sure that it is possible. Some days are good, I don't think about it...others - the thoughts are right there at the worst times. The thought that the love of my life gave one of the most precious special parts of himself to tramps and whores... that is the crux of the pain
D-Lish Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 (edited) Recognize that not being able to deal with this is your problem, not hers. Edited July 7, 2010 by D-Lish
WintersNightTraveler Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Date rape is a pretty twisted thing and sadly women are often put into pretty awkward and painful social situations the next day. Or she might be twisting the truth a bit as well. But either way, my opinion is that you are being naive and judgemental in this situation. Oh and no thanks on the disclosure of my background check.
Krytie TV Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Why does everyone find it so difficult to understand that the pictures conjured up by your gf's exposure of being a short-term loosey can be bothersome? It's not like he's taking it out on her or anything (yet). Cut the guy a break. He's trying to do the right thing. I honestly don't know how everyone is able to block these things out so stoicly. Must be nice to never struggle with anything ever.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 He's trying to do the right thing. Are you even reading the same thread that everyone else is reading? He's done little aside from racial stereotyping, geographic referencing which he admits "has nothing to do with" the issue, explained that the woman he claims to love is "unacceptable" while showing her no empathy for the fact that she was "raped", described his girlfriend as being "shallow and disgusting" and as someone "with no self respect or standards, someone with no class", and likened her to "trailer trash". While I admit that it might be "the right thing" to offend her so greatly that she will come to her senses and dump his ass, I'm sorta hoping they stay together because guys like him deserve to be eaten from within by all of these pointless details which offend only themselves. It's a no-win situation for him, and a can't-lose situation for onlookers here.
Krytie TV Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 explained that the woman he claims to love is "unacceptable" while showing her no empathy for the fact that she was "raped", described his girlfriend as being "shallow and disgusting" and as someone "with no self respect or standards, someone with no class", and likened her to "trailer trash". I'm not here to fan flames, but if you're offended by his initial post, maybe you should ask yourself why. Generalizations exist for a reason. I grew up in trailer parks in a military family. You know what? We were typical of many generalizations. Know what else? The example he referred to as trailer trash? Yep, I've seen stuff like that... IN a trailer park. I refer to myself as trailer trash and don't care about others' generalizations from it. Maybe if you're offended you should come to terms with why. He feels going on sex sprees as shallow and disgusting. Just b/c you don't doesn't mean millions of other people don't. Many would also agree that these women also have low or no standards. Women would say the same about men. As for not respecting the "rape" thing? Got me. Maybe it happened, maybe it didn't, but most of all maybe he just doesn't understand the impact. I personally could not care one way or another, but I just get tired of seeing people come on here and blaming posters for being ridiculous on things that some people just cannot emotionally process. You're telling me you can't understand that it might be disturbing to picture your now wife/gf on her back for anything on legs? Yeah, he comes off as pompous and he's not the only one.
jstalltxga Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 A guy once said to me he thought all women should come with a car fax report, I told him that was nonsense. Honestly at a certain point every man has to acknowledge the fact that very few people are perfect, and in the end, as long as the other person is healthy you probably don't want to know about their past history. in kind I wouldn't discuss yours either.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Many would also agree that these women also have low or no standards. This is the one thing we already know about this woman. It clearly goes without saying. As for not respecting the "rape" thing? Got me. Maybe it happened, maybe it didn't. Maybe she wasn't raped? Maybe she's never been raped? Maybe nobody has ever been raped? Maybe he made it up? Maybe she made it up? Maybe everybody makes up any reference to rape? The point is, how foolish are you or he to not first believe that the woman was being honest about having been raped? I mean, maybe you think double jeopardy is a suitable penalty for a victim. Why not just come out and admit as much?
BentSpine Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 Being raped by a guy and going on a trip with him in a group is a bit wacky though, I can't imagine why anyone would do that.Not only a bit wacky, but clearly wacky. Doesn't sound like a healthy mind at all. What to do, then: It's your life, you're the one that's going to have to live with your choice. You should listen to your gut, I believe in time it will be hard for you to ignore what it's trying to tell you.
suupaaemma Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 I'm not here to fan flames, but if you're offended by his initial post, maybe you should ask yourself why. Generalizations exist for a reason. I grew up in trailer parks in a military family. You know what? We were typical of many generalizations. Know what else? The example he referred to as trailer trash? Yep, I've seen stuff like that... IN a trailer park. I refer to myself as trailer trash and don't care about others' generalizations from it. Maybe if you're offended you should come to terms with why. He feels going on sex sprees as shallow and disgusting. Just b/c you don't doesn't mean millions of other people don't. Many would also agree that these women also have low or no standards. Women would say the same about men. As for not respecting the "rape" thing? Got me. Maybe it happened, maybe it didn't, but most of all maybe he just doesn't understand the impact. I personally could not care one way or another, but I just get tired of seeing people come on here and blaming posters for being ridiculous on things that some people just cannot emotionally process. You're telling me you can't understand that it might be disturbing to picture your now wife/gf on her back for anything on legs? Yeah, he comes off as pompous and he's not the only one. I definitely agree with you. And I wish people wouldn't go crazy over a few sentences written on an online forum. Especially one about love and relationship problems. We all say things we don't really mean, especially when we're in love with someone, and gets jealous. Just cause he said "arab guy" doesn't mean he's a racist or whatever. He's just mad about the situation I guess. And so what if he calls his girlfriend "shallow and disgusting". I think that kind of behavior is shallow and disgusting as well. The point is he came here to share his thoughts and for advice on how to get over it. I found it difficult to get over my ex past sex life although it wasn't THAT bad. But who knows, maybe he lied about that too as he lied about everything else... anyways, I tried to just remember that it's in the past, he's different now. He wants to be different for me. He loves me. Think of yourselves to be the lucky one she ended up with. Those other guys meant nothing to her. She didn't know back then that she would meet you. I don't know, it's hard but try to forget. U obviously love her though.
Krytie TV Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 The point is, how foolish are you or he to not first believe that the woman was being honest about having been raped? I mean, maybe you think double jeopardy is a suitable penalty for a victim. Why not just come out and admit as much? What are you even talking about? I never called her a liar, but your animalistic defense of her seems unwarranted. Has no one ever lied or made up life trauma? I personally have known 7 people in my professional life alone that have made up childhoodadult trauma. That said, it's not for me to say whether she was raped or not. But congrats on picking the most irrelevant portion of my post to animalize.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 What are you even talking about? I never called her a liar, but your animalistic defense of her seems unwarranted. Has no one ever lied or made up life trauma? I personally have known 7 people in my professional life alone that have made up childhoodadult trauma. That said, it's not for me to say whether she was raped or not. But congrats on picking the most irrelevant portion of my post to animalize. Lady, are you stoned? I haven't once been in "defense of her". She isn't even here! We are all watching some wacky guy telling some story, adding details which he admits have "nothing to do with it", and then watching you question whether this potentially fictitious person who is potentially a woman who was reportedly raped, was really raped. Now given all that, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy would you even bother to question whether the potentially fictitious, potentially female person was actually raped?? Why not believe the original post as offered, and go from there? (Were I in "defense of her", why would I suggest that the two of them deserve one another?)
Stockalone Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 all the above to me are shallow and disgusting, it shows me a person with no self respect or standards, someone with no class...i never imagined i would marry a college slut, or i would enter a family where my wife had slept with another family member, to me thats just trailer trash...now while im in love with this person minus her past i cant seem to get over these facts. Based on those words, I don't think staying with her would be good for either of you. That said, I do believe that some people can get over this, but the real question is do you even want to get over this, given your strong feelings about this sort of thing? It seems like you'd have to compromise your beliefs if you want to get over her past. I wouldn't do that (compromise my beliefs), so my advice would be to break up. Also, I do think that you should ask women you date as soon as possible what they think about casual sex. That way, you can (hopefully) avoid these problems in the future. i would like to know your opinions about this situation, i would specialy appriciate cooments from people who have end up marrying their partners with similar past and how they coped with it. If you are going to write your opinion please state your age, gender and sexual background so i can get a better feel as to the advice im getting and whom im getting it from...thank you 31, male, hetero, not interested in casual sex. I dumped one gf who had a "wild phase" as soon as I found out. But I also had asked her about this while we started to get to know each other and she had lied about it back then. I never regretted dumping her.
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