Posh Polly Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 You would THINK that instituting NC would work, right? Except what do you do when the WS keeps calling, calling, calling - and you've already changed your number once? What do when changing your number only makes them show up at your house? And he lives out of state? What do you do when you switch jobs and they find you at your new job? Calls you at your new job (and you don't have the option of 'not' answering because the job requires you to pick up your phone)? What do you do, when, as Jennie-Jennie said, both of you are still deeply in love (which is the reason why it's so difficult to extricate oneself in the first place) and the only option you see is to TELL the BS? Because he won't leave you alone otherwise? The hope being, that the WS (my AP) will be too busy dealing with the BS to "bother" me anymore and I could get on with my life. Is that such a horrible thing to want? Stalking is a crime, therefore you should be able to get a restraining order.
Author TOWinNYC Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 Here's a question I'm not sure I've seen a clear answer to. Not that I think you've dodged it...but one I'm not sure has been point blank considered. What ARE the results you want? Have you sat down and considered exactly what it is that you want to happen here? NC? Him to leave his wife? What is it specifically that your goal is right now? Hi Owl- I have been on LS (on and off) for a while and I think you are one of the posters who give sage advice. So I will do my best to answer your question. The reason I said “this is something in ME that needs to be resolved first”, is because I can’t decide exactly what I want to happen. This is a big problem, I know. The best case scenario: He would be divorced, a co-parent, I would be the bonus parent and we would live a good life and be a positive influence and get all the joys of parenting without having a 24/7 child around. There is an actual timeline in place to make this happen. The worst case scenario: The timeline would come and go and I would still be in this situation with no change. Under the “best case scenario” it wouldn’t make sense to tell the W because I don’t want her evil eye every time I come into contact with her, which would be often. Under the “worst case scenario”, if things don’t work out, I know the only person to blame would be me. Also, if I were to ever drop the D-day bomb it can’t be in an “all for naught” situation. I don’t want to deal with the fallout (having him come back around when things smooth over) unless it creates a definitive End so I can move on with my life. I haven’t spilled all the details of my R here on LS is because there are some not-very-nice people who are quick to discount the actions and statements of two people (especially if one is married and the other not) and quick to smear something beautiful (especially when it’s not under a “marriage context”). <BTW I’m not saying an A is right – it’s not. But this is the situation I’ve inadvertently found myself in> So I'm caught between wanting the Best Case Scenario and fearing the Worst Case Scenario and can't decide what to do. I don’t know if I’ve answered your question but I gave it my best shot.
NoIDidn't Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Well, what I read basically implies that you don't really want it over and are thinking of telling his W to hasten the "Best Case Scenario" to come to past. But things rarely, if ever, work like that. I guess you are right, before you even consider telling his W anything, you need to know what you want. But I can practically guarantee you, that if you tell with the goal of getting her to kick him out so he has no choice but to run to your waiting arms, you will be disappointed. Sorely disappointed. I have yet to ever see telling the W work out in the favor of the OW. Things in the A are NEVER what they seem. Never forget that. Hi Owl- I have been on LS (on and off) for a while and I think you are one of the posters who give sage advice. So I will do my best to answer your question. The reason I said “this is something in ME that needs to be resolved first”, is because I can’t decide exactly what I want to happen. This is a big problem, I know. The best case scenario: He would be divorced, a co-parent, I would be the bonus parent and we would live a good life and be a positive influence and get all the joys of parenting without having a 24/7 child around. There is an actual timeline in place to make this happen. The worst case scenario: The timeline would come and go and I would still be in this situation with no change. Under the “best case scenario” it wouldn’t make sense to tell the W because I don’t want her evil eye every time I come into contact with her, which would be often. Under the “worst case scenario”, if things don’t work out, I know the only person to blame would be me. Also, if I were to ever drop the D-day bomb it can’t be in an “all for naught” situation. I don’t want to deal with the fallout (having him come back around when things smooth over) unless it creates a definitive End so I can move on with my life. I haven’t spilled all the details of my R here on LS is because there are some not-very-nice people who are quick to discount the actions and statements of two people (especially if one is married and the other not) and quick to smear something beautiful (especially when it’s not under a “marriage context”). <BTW I’m not saying an A is right – it’s not. But this is the situation I’ve inadvertently found myself in> So I'm caught between wanting the Best Case Scenario and fearing the Worst Case Scenario and can't decide what to do. I don’t know if I’ve answered your question but I gave it my best shot.
OFGnomore Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Well' date=' what I read basically implies that you [i']don't[/i] really want it over and are thinking of telling his W to hasten the "Best Case Scenario" to come to past. But things rarely, if ever, work like that. I guess you are right, before you even consider telling his W anything, you need to know what you want. But I can practically guarantee you, that if you tell with the goal of getting her to kick him out so he has no choice but to run to your waiting arms, you will be disappointed. Sorely disappointed. I have yet to ever see telling the W work out in the favor of the OW. Things in the A are NEVER what they seem. Never forget that. To say that telling the W never works work just can't be said. I don't know what the circumstance were but 2 people in my church come to mind of second Ms that stemmed from As. And a few BWs here have been left for the OW too. Governor Sanford is probably the most notorious for leaving his 4 boys. You know damn well that Argentina woman is still in the picture I happened to think she may have something to do with those "hacked" emails. I give TOW credit for being vulnerably honest about her reasons. Tow, you're living in purgatory hell. And from I have seen in A that do end up in Ms. The transition out of the M will test the hell out of your A relationship. If I were you, and I was kind of like you but I didn't want to run off with my xMM. I wanted out of the A w/o him coming back later on. I had no qualms about H telling his W what happened with email proof after disclosure. But even then 1.5 years later he was trolling my webpage while at work. So, I busted him again, no holds bar, and he tried making excuses and threw me under the bus with lies to my H and his W even in light of the email evidence of the contrary my H gave her. (Some leopards cannot change their spots) But...I think this time is the ticket once and for all. The beauty of it is, it allows everyone to MOVE ON. And I think that is what you need, is to move on. Cut this guy out, if he comes back with divorce proceedings and NO time before then, he's being true. Let the chips fall where they lie would be my advice and don't waste years of your life waiting for a MM to come around.
NoIDidn't Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 To say that telling the W never works work just can't be said. I don't know what the circumstance were but 2 people in my church come to mind of second Ms that stemmed from As. And a few BWs here have been left for the OW too. Governor Sanford is probably the most notorious for leaving his 4 boys. You know damn well that Argentina woman is still in the picture I happened to think she may have something to do with those "hacked" emails. I give TOW credit for being vulnerably honest about her reasons. Tow, you're living in purgatory hell. And from I have seen in A that do end up in Ms. The transition out of the M will test the hell out of your A relationship. If I were you, and I was kind of like you but I didn't want to run off with my xMM. I wanted out of the A w/o him coming back later on. I had no qualms about H telling his W what happened with email proof after disclosure. But even then 1.5 years later he was trolling my webpage while at work. So, I busted him again, no holds bar, and he tried making excuses and threw me under the bus with lies to my H and his W even in light of the email evidence of the contrary my H gave her. (Some leopards cannot change their spots) But...I think this time is the ticket once and for all. The beauty of it is, it allows everyone to MOVE ON. And I think that is what you need, is to move on. Cut this guy out, if he comes back with divorce proceedings and NO time before then, he's being true. Let the chips fall where they lie would be my advice and don't waste years of your life waiting for a MM to come around. Telling the W NEVER works. I'll say it again. If and when a MM leaves, it won't be because the OW told on them. I never said a thing about As not ever ending up as Ms, I said telling the W NEVER works in the OW's favor. And Governor Sanford did NOT leave his W, Jenny Sanford left HIM. Other than those too things, I agree that it allows everyone to move on BUT one needs to know what they hope to accomplish with it HONESTLY before helping anyone else "move on" afterwards.
OFGnomore Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Telling the W NEVER works. I'll say it again. If and when a MM leaves, it won't be because the OW told on them. I never said a thing about As not ever ending up as Ms, I said telling the W NEVER works in the OW's favor. And Governor Sanford did NOT leave his W, Jenny Sanford left HIM. Other than those too things, I agree that it allows everyone to move on BUT one needs to know what they hope to accomplish with it HONESTLY before helping anyone else "move on" afterwards. I understand what your saying about the OW outright telling the W. And as far as Sanford goes, he did leave Jenny, not by legally filing or being the petitioner on the D, but by doing the what I've seen the typical maneuver by most MMs who get a D, by emotionally checking out of the M or forcing her hand with some pretty obnoxious behavior. Eg. blubbering on TV about his soulmate, tan lines, and how he'll try and his heart right. Most MMs who end up with their OWs, IMO, do this cowardly maneuver to avoid looking like the bad guy. Jenny had no choice, seriously, her H was gone before she filed. But I give him credit, at least he didn't go back to his M and fake it like many who do the whole false reconciliation stuff I've read about here. The worst! And I'll bet a cyber cocktail that Sanford is public with Maria within 2 years.
NoIDidn't Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I understand what your saying about the OW outright telling the W. And as far as Sanford goes, he did leave Jenny, not by legally filing or being the petitioner on the D, but by doing the what I've seen the typical maneuver by most MMs who get a D, by emotionally checking out of the M or forcing her hand with some pretty obnoxious behavior. Eg. blubbering on TV about his soulmate, tan lines, and how he'll try and his heart right. Most MMs who end up with their OWs, IMO, do this cowardly maneuver to avoid looking like the bad guy. Jenny had no choice, seriously, her H was gone before she filed. But I give him credit, at least he didn't go back to his M and fake it like many who do the whole false reconciliation stuff I've read about here. The worst! And I'll bet a cyber cocktail that Sanford is public with Maria within 2 years. LOL. I can't disagree with that. I hate that particular method of breakups. It IS cowardly. But I will definitely take that bet. I bet Maria will tire of him long before two years.
Author TOWinNYC Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 Well' date=' what I read basically implies that you [i']don't[/i] really want it over and are thinking of telling his W to hasten the "Best Case Scenario" to come to past. But things rarely, if ever, work like that. I guess you are right, before you even consider telling his W anything, you need to know what you want. But I can practically guarantee you, that if you tell with the goal of getting her to kick him out so he has no choice but to run to your waiting arms, you will be disappointed. Sorely disappointed. I have yet to ever see telling the W work out in the favor of the OW. Things in the A are NEVER what they seem. Never forget that. NID - When I think about telling the W it's to hasten the WORST case scenario - not the Best. The goal is not to have her kick him out because that is not how I want him. But as I've mentioned before, I can't drop the bomb unless there's a pretty good guarantee that it'll demolish this thing for good. I can't go through that kind of drama without permanently severing ties....and he hasn't been very good about "letting go".
Author TOWinNYC Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 Tow, you're living in purgatory hell. And from I have seen in A that do end up in Ms. The transition out of the M will test the hell out of your A relationship. And I think that is what you need, is to move on. Cut this guy out, if he comes back with divorce proceedings and NO time before then, he's being true. Let the chips fall where they lie would be my advice and don't waste years of your life waiting for a MM to come around. Hi OFG- This is what I'm afraid of (transition phase) and also this (wasting time). *sigh*
Owl Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Here's a question I'm not sure I've seen a clear answer to. Not that I think you've dodged it...but one I'm not sure has been point blank considered. What ARE the results you want? Have you sat down and considered exactly what it is that you want to happen here? NC? Him to leave his wife? What is it specifically that your goal is right now? I wanted to repost this, as I think it was probably missed by the OP. Thoughts?
Author TOWinNYC Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 I wanted to repost this, as I think it was probably missed by the OP. Thoughts? I tried to answer you (about 7 entries above) but I guess it wasn't the answer you were looking for?
Owl Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 That was ODD. For whatever reason...your answer just did NOT show up when I first posted my question...but is there now. Sorry for posting the question twice...somehow your answer didn't show up until I came back this afternoon and saw it. My suggestion for you would be this... Pick your goal. It sounds to me like your "best case scenario" is/would be that goal. So...the next step is to PLAN out how to get that goal. Make a list of things that need to happen in order to reach that goal. Put them into the order they need to happen where you can. Does telling the wife fit anywhere into that plan? Does it help, or hinder reaching that goal? What are the likely outcomes, and likely repercussions of telling her (in your situation)? I'm an "action oriented" kind of guy. If you want something...you take steps to make it happen. Or...you find a new goal if the old one is impossible...it happens. So for me, the process is simple....not easy, but simple. Pick a goal. Get a plan. Work the plan. Obtain your goal. Make sense?
Owl Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I tried to answer you (about 7 entries above) but I guess it wasn't the answer you were looking for? And I wanted to add...I wasn't looking for any specific answer, and there are no hard feelings at all on my side. As I'd mentioned, I just could not see your response for some reason. Thanks for responding tho...it's always helpful to know what you want to get out of a situation...it helps give guidance on how to get there.
Author TOWinNYC Posted July 10, 2010 Author Posted July 10, 2010 Thank you for your advice Owl. I have MUCH thinking to do. And yes, it makes sense.
OFGnomore Posted July 10, 2010 Posted July 10, 2010 (edited) Hi OFG- This is what I'm afraid of (transition phase) and also this (wasting time). *sigh* In As, from what I observed in real life and reading forums, there is no get out of jail free card. Regardless of the outcome. This is why the status quo can go on for years. If you tell W, it WILL rattle your MM. Do you think he has a new OW, could that explain why he's going back to the M w/o cause? You know I've read about BWs who stay only to be left in the end. On another board a man had a 25 year affair. Then dumped his W in her late 50s. D*mba** couldn't understand why his wife was so bitter. Can you imagine giving up your youth and options this way? She told him "I wish you would have left me earlier in the M so I could find someone else" but her H decided (his choice only) that this is what was best for the children. To me this is the most dangerous kind of person to be involved with. Edited July 10, 2010 by OFGnomore
Owl Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 I have to admit I'm a little surprised and disappointed by this response, especially coming from a BS. I'm sorry if this disappoints, Jthorne. From my perspective, I can't give her advice until she decides (and then comes back and states) what her goal is. I would agree that the vast majority of the time...telling the BS is the best thing for the BS. And I would truly love to see TOW do this. But...until she decides what her goal is...she can't decide what her next steps need to be. Once she decides...I can offer advice to her then, based on what her goals are.
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