Sometimes there is no choice but to tell the BS?

[Mimolicious]

And trust me, the BS doesn't have the balls to dump him because she hasn't been able to support herself in like, forever.

 

 

Don't be foolish, there is always alimony and if he gets the boot because he cheated, she has a lot to contest in court. Unless she can't read or write too. (gotta love it when the BS gets thrown under the bus)

 

Where you there when this arragement and aggreement was made between this marriage? For a spouse not to work, the money maker has to agree, no?

 

 

And he has my number because he showed up unexpectedly in the middle of the night after I changed it, I didn't have the heart to turn him away, and he sneakily (I admit) CALLED HIMSELF from my cell.[/

 

 

So you opened the door? OK, where is that little thing called NC that you were talking about? Listen, honestly this sounds like you guys are just playing games.

[Mimolicious]

You seem to have given this a lot of thought though... (since Summer 09 a lot of though).

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t196350/

 

[txsilkysmoothe]

How do you know that telling the BS won't change that? If the WS wasn't constantly calling/texting/emailing/showing up, lets just say it would make my life drama-free.

 

Why do you think telling her will stop any of the above?

 

It's not funny but it's unfortunate, isn't it? That I have to "run to mommy" - let me know if you can thing of a better solution.

 

You didn't ask "mommy" before starting the affair so don't expect her help in ending it.

 

I'm not "so certain" but I feel like I've done everything else. Also, she's not going to kick him out - she doesn't have the balls.

 

I think this is what really bothers you. You hope telling her will result in her dumping him and you two love birds will live happily ever after.

 

Have you threatened to call the police if he doesn't leave you alone?

Have you threatened to tell his wife if he doesn't leave you alone?

How does he know where you work?

How did he locate your new address?

 

I googled "stalker laws in New York state" and I think you have a good case. You can be "afraid" that his contacting you at work will jeopardize your job; that is enough. Add to that you moved, changed jobs, changed phone numbers to get away from him. The police will take those things seriously.

[lolapalooza]

You seem to have given this a lot of thought though... (since Summer 09 a lot of though).

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t196350/

 

Wow. That's a long time!

So what are you waiting for, TOW? Contact the BS and let us know how it goes. Or are you going to wait another 12 months and come back and start an new thread on the same subject?

[jennie-jennie]

Thank you Jennie-Jennie. You have hit the nail on the head (bolded parts above). The reason I posted it here was because I saw PlanetJanet's thread and wanted to know the same people's responses to a slightly different situation.

 

Obviously, from now on, I will post things in the OW/OM forum.

What did you mean by "push it deeper underground"?

 

Often a Dday does not lead to the end of the EMR. Once everything has settled down again in the marital home the WS reconnects with his AP. This time even more careful to keep the extramarital relationship hidden.

 

I thought you brought up a very interesting subject. Too bad people are not interested in discussing it.

[TOWinNYC]

Often a Dday does not lead to the end of the EMR. Once everything has settled down again in the marital home the WS reconnects with his AP. This time even more careful to keep the extramarital relationship hidden.

 

I thought you brought up a very interesting subject. Too bad people are not interested in discussing it.

 

Thanks Jennie-Jennie. Oh boy - I don't like the sounds of what you said about "reconnecting" after Dday happens. Hmm.

 

To everyone else: I am definitely not a troll. Just someone stuck in a situation that basically sucks. And YES, this has been going on for a while. And YES, I have thought about pulling the trigger (ie. dropping Dday) more than once. And YES, there have been a wonderful times and reasons why we're still together.

 

And no - I haven't dropped the bomb. Yet.

 

I don't know if it's because of the responses to the thread or if it's because of the relentless phones call I received from him today (18 calls in one hour counts as relentless in my book) or if it's because of the 3 hour conversation we had or (like one of the posters said) I just "don't have the balls to do it".

 

I will be updating in OW/OM. Thanks for all your responses.

[Mimolicious]

This is like a joke I guess since you can speak on the phone for 3hrs with a man that you want "nothing" to do with. Your post are pretty inconsistent. I find it pretty strange that in more than a year of being here, you have never said anything in ANY forum about your affair... uummm...

 

Anyway.

[norajane]

I don't know if it's because of the responses to the thread or if it's because of the relentless phones call I received from him today (18 calls in one hour counts as relentless in my book) or if it's because of the 3 hour conversation we had or (like one of the posters said) I just "don't have the balls to do it".

 

Look, he's calling so much and showing up at your door because you keep giving in. After 18 calls, you pick up and talk to him for 3 hours. He drives 14 hours to show up at your door, and you let him in. You're training the dog to whine until you let him in by letting him in when he whines.

 

If you didn't let him - if you never answered or kept hanging up the instant he contacted you, and if you locked the door when he showed up - he would eventually go away. Period. But you keep letting him back in.

 

Even if you tell his wife, as long as you are open to him, he will keep showing up. If he has the ability now to call you 18 times in an hour, his wife won't be able to prevent that just because she knows he's a cheater. He can get himself a pre-paid cell phone and call you 18 times from the car on his way to work. Or all day long from work.

 

If he has the ability to just pick up and drive for 14 hours to show up at your door without his wife wondering where the f*ck he disappeared to, clearly, his absences go unnoticed for whatever reason, probably a (made-up) "business" reason. So his wife won't necessarily be able to stop that either.

 

Face it - you have to shut him out, or he's going to find a way to keep contacting you. YOU have to find the balls instead of expecting his wife to control her dog by keeping him on a short leash. A determined dog will chew through the leash every time.

 

Now why he won't actually leave his wife since he apparently is set on chewing through the leash and whining at your door, who knows. Some dogs like to chase cars, I guess, but they always go home again.

 

And FYI, I think you SHOULD tell his wife. She ought to know what she's married to.

[stillafool]

He's breaking the law, crossing state lines to stalk is taken seriously by the cops, you don't need a lawyer. Drop by your local police department, file a complaint and give them his address.

 

They'll take it from there--his local cops will show up on his doorstep and have a little talk with him. If you're lucky, the wife will be there and you'll kill two birds with one stone.

 

Of course she could do this. She wants him to stay in contact with her or she wouldn't be whining about this since 2009. This thread is a waste of time as it seems the only thing this woman cares about is the wife finding out. She isn't trying to make him stop.

[lolapalooza]

Now why he won't actually leave his wife since he apparently is set on chewing through the leash and whining at your door, who knows. Some dogs like to chase cars, I guess, but they always go home.

 

Of course she could do this. She wants him to stay in contact with her or she wouldn't be whining about this since 2009. This thread is a waste of time as it seems the only thing this woman cares about is the wife finding out. She isn't trying to make him stop.

Excellent points, and exactly why I'm calling bullsh*t on this thread. If this guy were single, she would have no problem getting rid of him. But because he's married, and she's not getting what she wants, it's time to tell the BS.

 

Like I said previously, why wait? Tell the BS and let us know how it goes.

[bittersweet memories]

if you keep getting "sucked back into the a" then that's where you want to be, and choose to be. Telling the bs won't change that.

 

And i think it's hilarious that you have to "run to mommy" to control her errant little boy. Are y'all not adults?

 

However, i don't know why you are so certain that telling the bs will cause her to "keep a shorter leash" on her spouse. it could be quite the opposite and she may kick him out. In which case, he's on your doorstep.

 

b.i.n.g.o.

[norajane]

b.i.n.g.o.

 

Not really. I mean, maybe that's what she wants or hopes will happen if she tells his wife. But this guy isn't chained to his wife. He can leave her. He chooses not to.

 

So unless his wife actually files for divorce and goes through with it, he's just going to go and whine at his wife's door constantly trying to get his wife back. TOWinNYC will be in exactly the same position she is now, only he'll be "with" her while harassing his wife to let him back in. Or he'll find another OW.

 

She can't ever really have this guy. He's already shown her that. If he wanted to be with her and only her, he would be.

[bittersweet memories]

Look, he's calling so much and showing up at your door because you keep giving in. After 18 calls, you pick up and talk to him for 3 hours. He drives 14 hours to show up at your door, and you let him in. You're training the dog to whine until you let him in by letting him in when he whines.

 

If you didn't let him - if you never answered or kept hanging up the instant he contacted you, and if you locked the door when he showed up - he would eventually go away. Period. But you keep letting him back in.

 

Even if you tell his wife, as long as you are open to him, he will keep showing up. If he has the ability now to call you 18 times in an hour, his wife won't be able to prevent that just because she knows he's a cheater. He can get himself a pre-paid cell phone and call you 18 times from the car on his way to work. Or all day long from work.

 

If he has the ability to just pick up and drive for 14 hours to show up at your door without his wife wondering where the f*ck he disappeared to, clearly, his absences go unnoticed for whatever reason, probably a (made-up) "business" reason. So his wife won't necessarily be able to stop that either.

 

Face it - you have to shut him out, or he's going to find a way to keep contacting you. YOU have to find the balls instead of expecting his wife to control her dog by keeping him on a short leash. A determined dog will chew through the leash every time.

 

Now why he won't actually leave his wife since he apparently is set on chewing through the leash and whining at your door, who knows. Some dogs like to chase cars, I guess, but they always go home again.

 

And FYI, I think you SHOULD tell his wife. She ought to know what she's married to.

 

Bottom line she doesn't want to shut him out..she wants a discovery day in hopes the wife will keep him out.

 

How about some self control!!

[bittersweet memories]

Of course she could do this. She wants him to stay in contact with her or she wouldn't be whining about this since 2009. This thread is a waste of time as it seems the only thing this woman cares about is the wife finding out. She isn't trying to make him stop.

 

 

BINGO..BINGO..BINGO..

 

Not buying her BOLONGNA

[TOWinNYC]

This is like a joke I guess since you can speak on the phone for 3hrs with a man that you want "nothing" to do with. Your post are pretty inconsistent. I find it pretty strange that in more than a year of being here, you have never said anything in ANY forum about your affair... uummm...

 

Anyway.

 

Before heading over to OW/OM..... I can see why this post sounds "inconsistent" when people haven't been made aware of the whole story/haven't heard the details. Even if it IS over a span of a year.

 

Has this man pulled "stalkerish" moves on me? Yes. Do I think my life would be easier and less drama-filled without him in it? Yes. But it's hard to get rid of someone you love. Hence my problem.

 

But really, the original post was to ask everyone what they thought about telling the BS under a DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCE than what PlanetJanet was talking about.

 

On a side note: while I will eventually update on whether I drop the D-day bomb on OW/OM forum, I will point out that there are some really evil people over there who hide behind a screen name and aren't OWs or OMs. I have no problems with FBSs handing out advice. Unfortunately out of the FBSs - only a few have really solid advice. The others are just bitter and gleeful over people who are actually in pain or dumping on people who are actually happy.

Edited July 7, 2010 by TOWinNYC

[bittersweet memories]

Sounds like the truth hurts Babe!!

[spriggig]

Of course she could do this. She wants him to stay in contact with her or she wouldn't be whining about this since 2009. This thread is a waste of time as it seems the only thing this woman cares about is the wife finding out. She isn't trying to make him stop.

 

Yeah, her bailing to OW/OM pretty much confirms this I suppose.

[Woman In Blue]

TOW, for what it's worth, I also think telling his wife may finally bring an end to the craziness for you.

 

And I also understand what it's like to weaken your resolve and allow someone in for a short time before trying to slam the door again.

 

I know your reasons for telling her are somewhat self-serving and not because you have empathy for his wife, but in the end, your reasoning really doesn't matter as long as she's finally been told the truth. And once she knows, maybe she WILL put him on a very short leash and make it very, very difficult for him to be constantly trying to get to you anyway he can.

 

I think you SHOULD tell his wife.

[OFGnomore]

TOW, for what it's worth, I also think telling his wife may finally bring an end to the craziness for you.

 

And I also understand what it's like to weaken your resolve and allow someone in for a short time before trying to slam the door again.

 

I know your reasons for telling her are somewhat self-serving and not because you have empathy for his wife, but in the end, your reasoning really doesn't matter as long as she's finally been told the truth. And once she knows, maybe she WILL put him on a very short leash and make it very, very difficult for him to be constantly trying to get to you anyway he can.

 

I think you SHOULD tell his wife.

 

ditto.

 

Tell his wife, she deserves to know. But you need to supply her with WATER TIGHT evidence, and even then your xMM may weasle his way out of it. But it will likely remove the guy from your life if for the smallest reason, you're not a safe and willing OW anymore.

[Mimolicious]

Before heading over to OW/OM..... I can see why this post sounds "inconsistent" when people haven't been made aware of the whole story/haven't heard the details. Even if it IS over a span of a year.

 

 

Come on TNYC... You have been here for quiet a while and never have given any details of your situation. So how can anyone understand you?

 

Has this man pulled "stalkerish" moves on me? Yes. Do I think my life would be easier and less drama-filled without him in it? Yes. But it's hard to get rid of someone you love. Hence my problem.

 

Yes, this is a problem but you have a bigger problem that just being in love with the impossible. I don't know if you see it, but with someone acting like you have said your MM acts, your life may be at risk. Do you see this???

 

But really, the original post was to ask everyone what they thought about telling the BS under a DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCE than what PlanetJanet was talking about.

 

Your own circumstances, right? Make that clear then, so we can understand what they are.

 

On a side note: while I will eventually update on whether I drop the D-day bomb on OW/OM forum, I will point out that there are some really evil people over there who hide behind a screen name and aren't OWs or OMs. I have no problems with FBSs handing out advice. Unfortunately out of the FBSs - only a few have really solid advice. The others are just bitter and gleeful over people who are actually in pain or dumping on people who are actually happy

 

Doesn't matter what we are or aren't. One thing that we all are is LS'ers. Hence-some of us have been here for a while too and so have you! How do you expect for anyone to understand you and give you sound advice when you have said almost nothing of your situation? I don't undestand what is it that you expect, if you are not making youself clear??!

 

This is why I said your recent posts seemed 'suspect' because they say one thing now and another later and you haven't said anything in the past.

 

Now back to your situation. Is it really that hard to tell the BS? It's taken a lot of thought on your part. When people want to get things done they gotta do it or else they wont just magically happen babycakes. If you think that this is the best way to get your MM off your back for good, TELL HIS W ALREADY!!!!

[Samantha0905]

You would THINK that instituting NC would work, right? Except what do you do when the WS keeps calling, calling, calling - and you've already changed your number once?

 

What do when changing your number only makes them show up at your house? And he lives out of state?

 

What do you do when you switch jobs and they find you at your new job? Calls you at your new job (and you don't have the option of 'not' answering because the job requires you to pick up your phone)?

 

All of the above sounds like some sort of bizarre stalking if you've made it clear to him you want him to go away. It would worry me!

 

What do you do, when, as Jennie-Jennie said, both of you are still deeply in love (which is the reason why it's so difficult to extricate oneself in the first place) and the only option you see is to TELL the BS? Because he won't leave you alone otherwise?

 

The hope being, that the WS (my AP) will be too busy dealing with the BS to "bother" me anymore and I could get on with my life. Is that such a horrible thing to want?

 

Now this part makes me think you don't really want him to go away. If he tells his wife and she kicks him out and he comes running to you, is that going to be a problem? Or are you going to be glad?

 

If you're bound and determined to tell, you should ask JustJoe this stuff. He showed up on the doorstep of his affair partner and told her husband. That couldn't have been a pretty scene. I believe I'm telling that story correctly. Now she's divorced and JustJoe's GF. Sometimes it happens that way. Other times the WS goes running back to his spouse just like you've outlined above and treats the former affair partner like the plague. Many times I think the affair just burns out during all the drama, plus the WS loses their BS. Then, they end up with nobody for a while and just have to regroup.

 

(Edit: I'm assuming JustJoe hasn't popped in here yet although I did not read the last page and of half of replies so just ignore me if he's already weighed in.)

 

I suppose you could tell if you must and let the cards fall where they may.

Edited July 7, 2010 by Samantha0905

[TOWinNYC]

Sounds like the truth hurts Babe!!

 

No actually, I think you're wrong. When a bitter BS goes over to OW/OM and is gleeful about peoples pain and/or dumping on the happy ones - it would be the same as if OWoman (whose EMA did work out and she's happily M now to her AP) were here commenting and making BSs who are already hurting feel worse by saying something like "It's too bad your M didn't work out but true love will always win out in the end" (which, to my knowledge, she has never done). And from OWoman's perspective, that IS a "true statement".

[TOWinNYC]

Thanks for all your responses. Based on them, I have actually decided NOT to tell the W at this point in time.

 

Many of you are correct - I don't know what I want EXACTLY. Obviously this is a problem I need to get straightened out in ME before I do anything drastic.

 

On one hand I love him. For more reasons than I care to list.

 

On the other hand, when I'm frustrated and want this whole situation to end and "want out", my first reaction is to pull away. At which point he freaks out and pulls his "stalkerish" moves on me (but let me clarify that I've never been frightened that he would physically harm me).

 

Having him hold on when I'm pushing away creates enormous stress and anxiety and hence full-force thoughts of dropping D-Day blow up in my mind in order to cause some sort of "permanent rift" between us. Which, according to some posters may or may not happen.

 

Like I said, this is something that needs to be resolved in ME first. Of that I'm quite aware. And I've come to the conclusion (at this point) that if I'm going to do something like that, I need to know that it will garner the results I want.

[silktricks]

And I've come to the conclusion (at this point) that if I'm going to do something like that, I need to know that it will garner the results I want.

 

This is something you will never know before it happens - when you toss those dice you don't really know how they'll roll, you just do it and pray.

[Owl]

Like I said, this is something that needs to be resolved in ME first. Of that I'm quite aware. And I've come to the conclusion (at this point) that if I'm going to do something like that, I need to know that it will garner the results I want.

 

Here's a question I'm not sure I've seen a clear answer to. Not that I think you've dodged it...but one I'm not sure has been point blank considered.

 

What ARE the results you want?

 

Have you sat down and considered exactly what it is that you want to happen here? NC? Him to leave his wife?

 

What is it specifically that your goal is right now?