Author TOWinNYC Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 And if the OW/OM really wants out of the relationship wouldn't they cease all contact? If that person feels it is an unhealthy addiction, perhaps that person needs a counselor. It definitely seems all contact should be cut off. It sounds like AA or something. Perhaps enlist a friend to help. You would THINK that instituting NC would work, right? Except what do you do when the WS keeps calling, calling, calling - and you've already changed your number once? What do when changing your number only makes them show up at your house? And he lives out of state? What do you do when you switch jobs and they find you at your new job? Calls you at your new job (and you don't have the option of 'not' answering because the job requires you to pick up your phone)? What do you do, when, as Jennie-Jennie said, both of you are still deeply in love (which is the reason why it's so difficult to extricate oneself in the first place) and the only option you see is to TELL the BS? Because he won't leave you alone otherwise? The hope being, that the WS (my AP) will be too busy dealing with the BS to "bother" me anymore and I could get on with my life. Is that such a horrible thing to want?
stillafool Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Ok, give us an example of what's made it so difficult to extricate yourself from this affair. Maybe if you do that we'll understand better your predicament and so be able to answer you in a way that you'd prefer. TOWinNYC why didn't you answer this question? Also Califan was right can't you threaten the MM that you will certainly contact his wife, job and family if he doesn't leave you alone. That will do it. Have you done that yet?
vestigalvirgin Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Sounds like this person is stalking you, if he's showing up to your house unannounced and uninvited. This can mean he is dangerous. You may need a consultation with a lawyer to figure out how to get a protective order.
Author TOWinNYC Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 This isn't about love. This is about someone who doesn't have enough self control to say no. And because they don't have any self control, they get someone else (the BS in this case) to do their dirty work for them. This allows them to keep up their delusion that they are a victim, and it's ok to hurt others because they are hurting. Pretty disgusting. No. You're wrong. I actually have self control. I have never broken NC. I'm the one who keeps instituting them and it keeps getting broken by the WS. You're right in saying that I'm trying to get the BS to "do the dirty work" but that's only because I feel like I don't have any options. I bet you have NO IDEA what it feels like to not answer the phone calls of some you love - when they call 70, 80, 90 times a day. I bet you have NO IDEA how hard it is to turn away from someone you love - when that person has driven 14 hours to see you. So don't talk to me about disgusting - when you don't KNOW.
stillafool Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 What do you do, when, as Jennie-Jennie said, both of you are still deeply in love (which is the reason why it's so difficult to extricate oneself in the first place) and the only option you see is to TELL the BS? Because he won't leave you alone otherwise? Nonsense! If you want him to stop tell him you are going to contact his place of employment about the issue and if that doesn't work you will contact the police about his stalking you. Stalking is a crime and the law will put a stop to it. You just have to show that you are serious and I don't think you are.
Author TOWinNYC Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 So, do it and prepare for the fallout. Okay - what kind of fallout should I expect? Besides the one where the WS (my AP) decides to leave me alone and actually "be married"? I figure, if I'm about to make a monumental decision, I better be prepared - so what kind of fallout?
Author TOWinNYC Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 Nonsense! If you want him to stop tell him you are going to contact his place of employment about the issue and if that doesn't work you will contact the police about his stalking you. Stalking is a crime and the law will put a stop to it. You just have to show that you are serious and I don't think you are. Oh wait - I'm supposed to destroy his career FIRST before I let the clueless BS in on the "truth"? Why? And trust me - I've looked up stalker laws. They don't do anything unless "threats to your life" have been made - and obviously that has not happened.
Mimolicious Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 You would THINK that instituting NC would work, right? Except what do you do when the WS keeps calling, calling, calling - and you've already changed your number once? What do when changing your number only makes them show up at your house? And he lives out of state? What do you do when you switch jobs and they find you at your new job? Calls you at your new job (and you don't have the option of 'not' answering because the job requires you to pick up your phone)? What do you do, when, as Jennie-Jennie said, both of you are still deeply in love (which is the reason why it's so difficult to extricate oneself in the first place) and the only option you see is to TELL the BS? Because he won't leave you alone otherwise? The hope being, that the WS (my AP) will be too busy dealing with the BS to "bother" me anymore and I could get on with my life. Is that such a horrible thing to want? What do you do? You call the cops. Have documented reports and get a restraining order. Why are you making it seem like there is no way out other than telling his W??????? WTF is his W going to do to keep YOU SAFE????????? Don't you see the actual danger that you may be in to take such a light approach???? If he calls your job you can tell your employer that someone is harassing you and they can take the proper measurements. That simple! Besides, if he encounters any issues with the authorities, his W will find out in no time. They will show up at the address provided by you to serve him with an order. I don't get it... You are making it sound like you want nothing to do with this MM and yet you are both "deeply in love". Sounds too contradicting. If you really found this guy to be such a predator, then it wouldn't be "difficult to extricate oneself". Sounds like this is a ticking bomb and you are striking the psycho. There are plenty of people serving life sentences and tons of lots filled at the cemetery because of "Passion Crimes".
stillafool Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Oh wait - I'm supposed to destroy his career FIRST before I let the clueless BS in on the "truth"? Why? Why? you didn't have a problem trying to destroy his marriage. If you really want him to stop threaten him with whatever. You can get him to stop if you really want him to. I think what you really want is for the wife to find out so she will dump him. That's okay if that's what you want but just say so. If you changed your phone number why does he have it?
stillafool Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Another thing, if you two were that much in love he would tell his BS and be with you.
Author TOWinNYC Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 There is always a choice and if you fell like telling his W is the way to tame your MM, then get ready for the comeback. There are other ways to get around this but people live for drama... I want to know what everybody means when the talk about "comeback" and the like. What EXACTLY do you mean?
txsilkysmoothe Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Nonsense! If you want him to stop tell him you are going to contact his place of employment about the issue and if that doesn't work you will contact the police about his stalking you. Stalking is a crime and the law will put a stop to it. You just have to show that you are serious and I don't think you are. Plus 1 million! If you're in NYC, I would think it's difficult to locate somone. What kind of access does he have that he can get your address, work location, and new phone number? Stalking is a crime. Fallout - his wife gets very pissed-off; flattens your tires, busts out your windows, shows up at your work, punches you in the face when you open the door one day. Stalks you, just as he is, and since you can't stop him, you won't be able to stop her. That would be very bad - best she not find out - at least not for the reason you cited.
Mimolicious Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Oh wait - I'm supposed to destroy his career FIRST before I let the clueless BS in on the "truth"? Why? And trust me - I've looked up stalker laws. They don't do anything unless "threats to your life" have been made - and obviously that has not happened. With all due respect TOWinNYC... You are now insulting the intelligence of plenty of LS'ers and the authorities in my own city but for the sounds of it... THIS GUY IS NOT SO MUCH DOING ANYTHING SO PSYCHO'ish then. Could it be that this is where you are really having an issues? bet you have NO IDEA what it feels like to not answer the phone calls of some you love - when they call 70, 80, 90 times a day. I bet you have NO IDEA how hard it is to turn away from someone you love - when that person has driven 14 hours to see you. So don't talk to me about disgusting - when you don't KNOW. Kudos for keeping strong and not answering the door or the phone. Oh and another thing, then don't ask for advice if you can handle the feedback.
Owl Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 If you want this to end...then I say DO tell his wife. Don't expect her to thank you...but at least then you'll know you've got this all out in the open. If he's stalked you as you've described (and what you've described IS very stalkerish to me)...then you really do need to remove this guy from your life. This isn't romantic to me...it's SCAREY. Tell his wife...give her whatever proof she requires. Tell him it's over, and that if he calls/shows up again, you WILL take it to the police (he doesn't need an explanation of the laws, does he?). Make it clear you want the drama to END. Then take the same steps you've taken before...changing numbers/etc... If that doesn't work...then threaten his career as needed. Bottom line...tell her the truth, but don't expect her to appreciate your honesty. She simply won't be able to given the scope of what's gone on.
Author TOWinNYC Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 If you keep getting "sucked back into the A" then that's where you want to be, and choose to be. Telling the BS won't change that. And I think it's hilarious that you have to "run to mommy" to control her errant little boy. Are y'all not adults? However, I don't know why you are so certain that telling the BS will cause her to "keep a shorter leash" on her spouse. It could be quite the opposite and she may kick him out. In which case, he's on YOUR doorstep. How do you know that telling the BS won't change that? If the WS wasn't constantly calling/texting/emailing/showing up, lets just say it would make my life drama-free. It's not funny but it's unfortunate, isn't it? That I have to "run to mommy" - let me know if you can thing of a better solution. I'm not "so certain" but I feel like I've done everything else. Also, she's not going to kick him out - she doesn't have the balls.
stillafool Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Oh wait - I'm supposed to destroy his career FIRST before I let the clueless BS in on the "truth"? Why? And trust me - I've looked up stalker laws. They don't do anything unless "threats to your life" have been made - and obviously that has not happened. Well if you really want him to stop tell the police you feel your life is threatened because this man will not stop showing up at your house, calling your job and home. Simple as that!
Mimolicious Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 I want to know what everybody means when the talk about "comeback" and the like. What EXACTLY do you mean? What I EXACTLY MEAN and bo B***** either is: You come out with some cuteness and tell his BS, create mega drama for him at home, you are already telling us that MM is basically disturbed, don't be surprised if he comes blasting lead through your windows. That is what I mean. You think he "loves" you, try complicating his life at home and see how much he's going to be. Listen, this can go a million directions... but form what you are painting this character as he doesn't sound too sane. For all you know his W can be a notorious bitch and really hit this dude where it hurts after you expose him. He may not bee too thrilled about what you did and come to really 'get even'. If he hasn't left his W is because apparently she holds a strong place in his life. Don't you think? You stir drama and YOU ARE THE ONE THAT IS GOING TO LOOK LIKE THE PSYCHO OW. Don't be foolish... you know your situation better than us, so try to make the best decision that will keep you safe.
norajane Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Also, she's not going to kick him out - she doesn't have the balls. Neither do you.
Author TOWinNYC Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 If you really found this guy to be such a predator, then it wouldn't be "difficult to extricate oneself". Sounds like this is a ticking bomb and you are striking the psycho. There are plenty of people serving life sentences and tons of lots filled at the cemetery because of "Passion Crimes". He's not a predator. I'm just tired of dealing with the situation and I've tried what I could to get out of it. I still don't get why I shouldn't create a Dday and tell the BS. I think it will get the WS off my back, fill the BS in on what has been going on and enable me to get on with MY life.
Mimolicious Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Also, she's not going to kick him out - she doesn't have the balls. How do you know this? Let me guess, he told you. LOL! Why should she kick him out? Is her H and probably in her bubble he is a "Good faithful" one at that. She doesn't know about you.
Author TOWinNYC Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 Why? you didn't have a problem trying to destroy his marriage. If you really want him to stop threaten him with whatever. You can get him to stop if you really want him to. I think what you really want is for the wife to find out so she will dump him. That's okay if that's what you want but just say so. If you changed your phone number why does he have it? Listen, I don't think telling will "destroy the marriage" but I DO think it'll keep him away from me. And trust me, the BS doesn't have the balls to dump him because she hasn't been able to support herself in like, forever. And he has my number because he showed up unexpectedly in the middle of the night after I changed it, I didn't have the heart to turn him away, and he sneakily (I admit) CALLED HIMSELF from my cell.
Author TOWinNYC Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 Do you think posting in the other forum would have changed the answers that you got? Why/why not? No - I don't think it would have changed the answers. Just understand Jennie-Jennie's reasoning as to why this belongs on the OW/OM forum.
Mimolicious Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 He's not a predator. I'm just tired of dealing with the situation and I've tried what I could to get out of it. I still don't get why I shouldn't create a Dday and tell the BS. I think it will get the WS off my back, fill the BS in on what has been going on and enable me to get on with MY life. You sure you are not "tired" of him not bouncing on his W and running to you? I don't get it, few post ago you sounded like a scared little kitty on the corner because this MM wont leave you alone and harasses you at work, home, etc... And why aren't you moving on with your life is this MM lives 14hrs away? Seriously chick, you sound confused. F IT! Create your D-day , tell his W and let the curtains lift. Don't say LS didn't try to help.
carhill Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Simply document his contacts with you and send the information (or hand it, if that's your prerogative) to her with your request for whatever you want to happen, presumably cessation of contact. If he's 'arriving on your doorstep', great, shoot a nice little movie with a pencil cam. If he's calling 100 times a day, produce the call records. E-mailing, texting, etc, same. The courier (or you) will bring her a nice package that she can peruse at her leisure and they can work things out. That same documentation can be used if you need to escalate and involve law enforcement. IMO, and I've had some 'obsessions' in my life, this sounds pretty excessive and unhealthy. Hope you can find a resolution ASAP. Good luck
spriggig Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 What do when changing your number only makes them show up at your house? And he lives out of state? He's breaking the law, crossing state lines to stalk is taken seriously by the cops, you don't need a lawyer. Drop by your local police department, file a complaint and give them his address. They'll take it from there--his local cops will show up on his doorstep and have a little talk with him. If you're lucky, the wife will be there and you'll kill two birds with one stone.
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