Gallux Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Hello. In advance, I want to apologize because this might get lengthly. Furthermore, I want to emphasize that I will be trying to describe the problem of me and my BF's relationship from both sides... Even though it may appear that it's all his fault, I realize that there's probably a good portion of it that comes from me as well. I am a shy girl, but I can easily flare up, and I am very passionate in everything I do or say, and I know exactly what I want and do not want. I sometimes look for perfection where there is none, and I have tons of standards that I am not willing to lower, because these are all important things to me... Here are a few good-to-know: s about our relationship. We are currently in an LDR. If he gets into college here (results by the end of july) we might move in together.We live too far from eachother to meet often (according to him anyway...) He's 23, I am 21. Anyway, yadda yadda, here's my story. I met my BF online around feb earlier this year... He was really sweet. We seemed to have TONS in common, literally everything, and we still do. You know, just the thing where you feel that this is a once in a life-time connection (yes, I've been dating plenty before, as has he). At first, he was really, really stubborn and stuff, trying to get me to like him in that platonic way. He kept insisting I was wayyy out of his league... He was (and still is) a really nice guy who worshipped me so much, for my looks, my personality, everything. I really wasn't sure if I liked him at first though... This is gonna sound wrong, but he is a bit overweight and I have a hard time getting attracted to obese guys... So yeah, he tried really hard to win me over and finally did. I fell for everything about him, as soon as he won me over. Fell hard. That being said, we met in april, he stayed with me for a month and we had a small fight but it was alright, really... Now, I loved his personality and everything about him like I said... but something that struck me as somewhat bothersome about him was that he seemed to be ...well, full of himself and what he does. He kept talking about his writing and how his friends had 'hated' it, and he went very "emo" about his writing skill to me a couple of times. I reassured him that he was a good writer, but he just didn't listen, kept insisting his friends 'hated' it... Even though the feedback I saw was honestly very constructive criticism and people told him he did great otherwise. So it struck me, that he's one of those people that can't handle conflicts and criticism very well... Had I known it would turn out like this, I would have dumped him, because while I have an easy time flaring up (NEVER without a reason however, and never even to the point of raising my voice, I am not violent), I also handle conflicts and criticism well and take to heart the advice I am given, rather than turning it around on others or using excuses. Anyway... basically... ugh. He's impossible to talk to nowadays. I try to approach him very nicely when something's hurting or bothering me, trying to really not sound accusitory or downright a bitch because I AM guilty of that a couple of times in the past... But his responses seem to be the same, no matter if I try to bring up issues or give him feedback about a game we're playing, or his writing or whatever, and no matter how nice and sweet and gentle I sound. He is just...unable to take constructive criticism, for me. He dismisses it as rubbish, or finds an excuse to counter what I say to be wrong, or says 'Gee, WHY do you always have to argue with me and pick on me?!"... AGAIN, I am REALLY careful and tactful about how I approach him, as I do understand that he may not like to seem 'inferior' to his GF in a certain area of knowledge. Either he flares up, or he goes on this 'I am soooo stupid, I hate myself, I hate life, I can't do anything right"-rant, when that really is not the truth at all. I personally think he is being somewhat childish about this criticism thing, but I realize I might be childish as well for not being able to just ignore some of these things that hurt me.... But shouldn't you be able to talk to your partner about something they do or don't do that hurts you? I accidentally called him a bad word once when he was being really smart and mean to me, and when he was done feeling hurt about it he asked me not to do that again because it hurts him... I didn't try to use any excuses, or escapes, or turn it around on him. I listened to what he said and am trying to think of my temper. He said "If it doesn't stop I'll leave you. That is not a threat, it's a fact". I personally don't see how that is any less threat than what I said I don't want in a relationship (see below), but whatever. But when he hurts or offends ME in someway, and I ask him not to do it, he finds all these counter-questions about how I "always argue" and "Always bitch without a reason", and just finds ways to turn it all around on me to escape the topic. Either that, or he logs off of MSN, shuts off his phone, and I can't talk to him for days. I tell him that someone who can't talk to their GF when she is upset (sad-upset, not angry bitch-upset), is something I can't tolerate in a partner because that presents great issues in a relationship and solving issues, and ask him to stop running from me. He yells at me not to 'threaten' him (read how he does the sameif it's to me above), and when I point out he 'threatens' me too and that I was just pointing out a fact, he goes back to his rant about what a pain in the ass I am, basically. Anyway, compare his 'threat', and my 'threat' - they're both ultimatums I think, and both valid. He however thinks his is a reasonable thought, and mine is a threat and he doesn't tolerate threats either (lol)... Don't you think he's being a bit of a hypocrite? This isn't the only time he's been that way, that was just an example. He has just been growing so...distant, too. He doesn't say hi to me on MSN, WoW, phone, -anywhere-, and he constantly used to look for me when I logged on and showered me with messages. Now he's acting...I dunno. 95% of the times, he doesn't initiate a convo if I do not. It's starting to feel like he's taking me a bit for granted... Basically, the only time everything is fine between us, is if there is nothing slightly negative/percieved as negative/possible to improve, to discuss. Only pure positivity. Not sure how I feel about that, because what good is a relationship if it's only good when it's good? How then will we be able to handle the bad times? He won't compromise, won't co-operate, and only complains about me and how I am the problem. Anyway, Example. He logs onto WoW, says hi to other friends, but not to me. I log onto MSN another day...hours later, no single hi. So I say hi and I point out that I am starting to feel sad about being the only one initiating a conversation. Ofcourse he gets butthurt and starts shouting about how I argue and how he's 'had enough'. I ask him why he seems to think I should say hi no matter if I log on first or last, he doesn't respond and keeps going on with his rant. I ask him if we can atleast agree to me being the only one saying hi, so I can just accept it and realize it's not going to change, and he says he's 'outta here'...Doesn't respond, anywhere. I just don't know what to do... I feel I can't talk to him anymore at all without him getting completely emo, unreasonable, and unable to genuinely talk to. And I am starting to feel like he's taking me for granted somehow... doesn't pay much attention to me at all unless I initiate it. I asked him if something's wrong, he insisted he loved me a while back anyway, so, I trust he'd break up if he wasn't in love anymore... But I hate the feeling that he used to fight for me so hard, and now simply assumes I'll always be by his side until he decides to dump me himself. Another interesting thing btw, on the dumping part... I asked him about his exes, 6 of them, and he insisted that he dumped them all, and that they were crazy psychos who burned his stuff and tossed plates at him and hit him... he didn't admit to one single mistake on his own part, in these 6 relationships. Now, I'd believe it if it were one particularly crazy partner or even two, but -6-? And him not having made a single mistake? I dunno... What should I do? How do you cope with a conflict/constructive criticism-sensitive partner? Am I being immature? Is this just doomed to fail? Thing is, I love him to death and we have so much fun when everything's great. But...it's really scary that in the future, when isssues DO arise, I will not be able to handle them with him because he can't handle conflicts/criticism. He does have some traits that no other guy has had, and I am simply scared to dump him because I feel I can't find better... I'm really shy, so the odds of me meeting guys, especially ones who meet my high standards, are near zero. HELP :/
Serenitynow Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 no matter if I try to bring up issues or give him feedback about a game we're playing, or his writing or whatever, and no matter how nice and sweet and gentle I sound Get rid of him, he's not going to change his behaviors. .
Author Gallux Posted July 5, 2010 Author Posted July 5, 2010 Oh, I have to add something else that concerned me... When we first started dating I was still talking to my last ex, on very friendly terms. I do not mind stopping talking to exes, because a current partner will always go before an ex to me, but this time it was just strange... Basically my current guy is very, VERY jealous. It's enough that a guy starts talking to me, he starts jokingly growling and stuff... Thing is, I thought it was joking, but with my ex, he just felt really worried because I had been with my ex for 1.5 years, so he might have felt my ex was being a threat... He asks me to stop talking to my ex altogether. Now, I understand jealousy, as this is something I suffer from as well...So I offered that we talk, the three of us, so he would see nothing is going on between me and my ex and that nothing ever will. We talked, my ex was really cool, said that my guy was a lucky guy, and that he wishes us good luck. Even joked around about hoping he'd be invited to our wedding... Anyway, we talked back and forth, my guy kept being really rude and mean to him, basically saying "yeah dude, not trying to be mean but I call bull****". I understand great jealousy, but considering how persistent my ex was to ensure him that he had no reason to worry or be jealous, I felt he should have given in finally, but he did not. In the end, my guy snapped and left the convo. My ex said he was sorry and that he tried, so I cut it off with that ex. Like I said, I have no real issue of doing that, but this behavior... My guy's behavior.. strikes me as somewhat of a red flag. I just can't quite put my finger on what it is that bothers me about it.
Serenitynow Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 OP you are not going to leave him. I guarantee you will stay with this loser no matter how bad he treats you. You are already ditching friends for him. .
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