Author Hazyhead Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 There comes a time in the lives of many men - especially married family men , when reality strikes and they feel under appreciated by their wives and children, no longer the hero they or he once thought he would be. The future they dreamed of has arrived, goals possibly met and still - they want and feel they deserve more. They want to be a hero to someone. The golden boy, the martyr, the saint , the sacrificing victim. They want to have that what if relationship. And like it or not, to be a hero they need someone in a vulnerable position. So true. I am working on finding my strength now and fixing mess I caused in my own life during my head-in-the-sand period. I was a little like him too, reality had struck and I wasn't all too keen on where it was headed.
Diamante Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 (edited) This is a very interesting discussion! I think my xMOM and I rescued each other in different ways. I am also one of those strong, alpha females who tend to wear the pants in relationships. Even though I am very feminine on the outside, I have often felt a bit masculine on the inside because I wasn’t raised to be vulnerable and girly. I’m very independent and a take charge kind of gal. I have also always been the bigger breadwinner in my relationships. I have had to learn over time to let men do things for me and that’s it’s actually OK to not do everything yourself and be taken care of. My F is wonderful and is definitely a strong man, but he tends to let me make all the decisions. He always tells me “whatever you want, babe”. Now that may seem perfect in theory, but after a while, you just want someone else to be decisive and give you a break My xMOM definitely tried to rescue me from my life of complacency. He is very much a strong decision maker who would ask my preferences and then plan something wonderful for us. I didn’t have to think very much about it, he took control of things and I loved it. I felt relaxed and able to just be with him. I didn’t have to think about decisions. We seemed to have this natural man/woman chemistry that allowed me to just be the lady and him to be the gentleman who would take care of me. Granted, he is also a high ranking police officer, which is likely why I felt like I was being “rescued” somehow, even though I didn’t know I was in need of anything. Men need to know they are appreciated and that us females cannot live without them (even though we all know we can, and do). They are wired to produce and protect their woman/family, and that is what they innately want to do. In return, they need adoration for their tolling efforts to provide. They need to feel like the king. Often, when the W becomes a mother and babies become her main focus, the king will start to feel like less of a man and he may seek the appreciation he needs elsewhere. (This is also why a woman should never undermine her man, it cuts to core of who he is) My xMOM also needed some rescuing from the stress of his life. He has an incredible amount of responsibility on his shoulders and he lacked opportunities to be vulnerable and just have someone hold him for a change. I found that out by asking him a lot of questions about his responsibility pressures; a few questions no one had ever asked him before. This is likely why he fell for me so quickly - because it seemed I understood him in a way no one else did. We were both clearly seeking an element missing in our respective relationships. Thanks for this post, Hazy. I am now thinking back on my relationships and pondering… Dia Edited July 8, 2010 by Diamante
pureinheart Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 In my IC, something came up that really made me think (more than usual I mean), she mentioned that I sought out in xMM a 'rescuer' type. I've never thought of myself as going for this type of man before but when we started talking about it, it made sense. Basically, all the previous relationships I've had have been with men who allowed me my sense of freedom, allowed me to make all the decisions and would never argue with me. In my last relationship, this was very much the case - he was a lovely guy, but I wore the pants, so to speak and, when things started to go the way I was uncomfortable with (big wedding plans) I didn't know how to put the breaks on, or explain myself, because I'd never had to. I'd always had a happy life with no real problems. So I didn't face things. Instead I sought somebody out who would let me escape from it all. xMM saw himself as a bit of a 'rescuer' in his marriage, having helped his wife get out of an abusive home (this is all stuff I found out much later) and 'protected' her from her family afterwards. Maybe I saw this trait in him? I think also I wanted a break from being decision maker and just wanted to be looked after for a change; wanted to feel like the 'little woman', which he also did for me and I went happily along with it. It was so refreshing! I now am working through why I ran from my problems instead of facing them, but the reason for my posting is the rescuer thing. I wonder how many men (wouldn't normally put the gender on this but it feels like it will mainly be men) in affairs try to play the rescuer role, or think they do, with either their AP or BS. Maybe the person the rescuer really needs to save is them? Hi Hazy, I can relate to your OP in many ways. Now realising that one trauma on top of another had a snowball effect in my life. I seriously needed to be rescued. Am thinking now, had certain events not happened neither would have exDM. But Hazy, with all of it, I still did good and am still doing good... Keep up the good work Hazy:)
wheelwright Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 I think if men are honest, they almost all have a touch of KISAS (Knight In Shining Armor Syndrome). The problem is that most women these days do not need or want to be rescued. Because of that, men feel like they are not needed. A man appreciates a woman who allows him to "save" her now and then. Even if it is something silly like opening a jar of pickles. Being the one who has to pump the gas at the petrol station. etc. I have said it until i am blue in the face and people asked me to quit talking about it, lmao, but if you do not allow a man to feel he is doing his job as provider and protector (what men are genetically predispositioned to do) they will seek out someone who will. Hazy, you admit that you were in a place where you just wanted a soft place to land for awhile. It is okay to admit that. We all need to do that sometimes. But if you mix your desire for a soft landing, and a man's desire to be that soft landing, you can very easily end up in the situation you found yourself in! As to if he needs saving, the answer is likely, yes. Getting him to admit to that however, is a whole different ball game. He needs rescuing from the "male ideals" he has ingrained in his DNA. Not something that you are likely to be able to provide. The problem with men with KISAS is that they don't know how to let go of the unattainable goals that they set for themselves. The goal of being able to be everything to everybody all the time. Could you imagine the stress trying to live up to that would cause? Very wise post FA. I think I grew up learning to feel that I don't want no KISA. Wanting to not be mollycoddled (is that a word?). Anyway, I got older. More feminine. More respectful of the differences between men and women. More open to KISAS. Then also, I have a rescuer in me. I've always been drawn to lonely yet sociable men. If I get the hots for them on a physical, emotional and intellectual level to, and if they have a shy KISA side to them - well the rest is history...
Fallen Angel Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Very wise post FA. I think I grew up learning to feel that I don't want no KISA. Wanting to not be mollycoddled (is that a word?). Anyway, I got older. More feminine. More respectful of the differences between men and women. More open to KISAS. Then also, I have a rescuer in me. I've always been drawn to lonely yet sociable men. If I get the hots for them on a physical, emotional and intellectual level to, and if they have a shy KISA side to them - well the rest is history... An irresistable combination for me as well.
TinaniT Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 I've wondered if my DM doesn't have more than a little bit of KISA in him attracting him to me. I put him through quite the ringer trying to make sure it was more than that and that he was fully aware I could save my own self. Though, honestly, I did need him and he has done so much good for me. I didn't know, though.
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