Did I change him?

[Heathy]

So just last night it has been brought to my attention twice that my boyfriend has changed since we've gotten together. I don't think he's any different. He's the same guy I fell in love with 2 years ago and I don't think anyone could ever change him. And I would not want to change him at all. The only slight change that I will admit to is that I convinced him to shave his mustache that he had ever since he started shaving.

 

First thing was that his mother said I am the reason he 'changed' his views on religion. I don't come from a religious family and stopped believing in god when I stopped believing in santa claus. My boyfriend, on the other hand, was raised catholic. But years before we were a couple and I asked him his religious views he said he really didn't know and didn't care. He didn't actually start saying he was atheist until after we were dating for a few months. I don't think he changed his beliefs to match mine. I think once he saw his family still accepted me with my beliefs that he felt confident to tell them what his beliefs really were.

 

Then his cousin, who is also his best friend, started making so many comments about how he wants his cousin back. I don't really know where this came from. It started out when his cousin wanted to shoot Roman Candles at people... I told him that it was stupid and immature and he could probably get arrested for it. I guess he thought that my bf would agree with him and go shoot fireworks at people, but my bf sided with me. From then on he kept on making comments on how he's no fun any more and he changed and blah blah blah.

 

I don't think my bf changed at all. But with all the comments and since his mom said something before that, I'm starting to wonder... Sometimes I feel like he is starting to neglect his family. I know there were some issues I had with his sister and he sided on me completely and now he doesn't exactly like his sister and he wants nothing to do with his baby niece. But that is mainly because he doesn't like babies or little kids and he was always like that. But sometimes I think the family blames me for changing him.

[Ronni_W]

It just sounds like he has started growing up and becoming his own person.

*IF*, by your presence, you played a positive role in that, it's a good thing

 

When people start making those types of "he's changed" comments to you, just smile sweetly and offer something like, "Yes, I've noticed that, too...he is growing up into a fine man and independent-thinking person, isn't he? It's such a delightful surprise for me, too!"

And then just leave it. It's their own problem if they can't see his "grown-up" good qualities, and just wanted him to stay stuck in adolescence until forever.

 

You know you haven't done or said anything about the changes they're noticing, and that's all you need to know to not let them get to you.

 

(What kinda freakin' nutjob even thinks to shoot Roman Candles at people, anyway? I woulda suggested a trip to a psychiatrist, to be honest )

[Heathy]

Thanks Ronni!

 

I think this is more of an issue his family might have with me. Nothing major, it's more of me taking him away from his mother and she talks with the rest of his family. He was the youngest and he's actually the only one left to carry on his family's name...and guess what? He doesn't want any kids and neither do I. It seems the family thinks I'm the one that got him in the 'no kids' mind set, but really I'm not.

 

But they never associated me with any positive influences (even though I don't think any of the 'changes' were negative). Like he started getting A's & B's in college after we got together. I have literally forced him to do his assignments and go to class. He tells everyone that I'm the reason he's on the Dean's List but they never thank me for setting him straight. This guy is so intelligent and he knows I won't let him waste it. He has dreams, he wants to be successful, and I will push him to make those dreams happen. He knows that and he thanks me everyday for what I do. No one in his family would do that for him. Yet, I feel like I'm the bad guy for 'changing' him.

 

And I have no idea what his cousin was thinking. He look at me like I was insane when I completely bashed his idea. But my boyfriend has actually told me that he can see his cousin changing and he doesn't like who he's becoming.

 

I think I just ranted a bit. You're right, Ronni, I should just thank them the next time they said I changed him. The person that they want him to be is not who he is or who he wants to be. Either way, his mom wants him to be a family man and his cousin wants a die hard party boy. Neither of those are gonna happen.