Am I being unfair?

[thehypemachine]

Probably, but I need the opinion of some other people. I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 2 months now, and we are going very well indeed. Before me she had a year long relationship with someone she had been friends with for 6 years beforehand. Obviously, when they broke up she was very upset, more or less because she was losing a friend more than anything. Either way, they have since met up as friends and despite me not liking it I've let her get on with it as, after all, they were friends for such a long time and I don't think it's fair that she should lose that.

 

The only thing is, the other day she was texting him and she recieved a text while she was on a driving lesson. Knowing my girlfriend wouldn't mind, I replied to the text to let the person know that she was on a lesson and she would text back when she got back. Low and behold it was said ex, and me being an idiot, I decided to read a couple of texts up. I know this was a terrible thing to do, and I feel terrible, but I just couldn't help it.

 

He had been texting her for a while telling her he loved her still etc etc and she pretty much shot him down. Bar the odd comment or two that I didn't like there wasn't anything that bothered me much; bar when he asked her if they would ever get back together. She replied with she didn't know because she was happy with me at the moment. Of course, this cut me very deep. We argued about it, and she explained that she just didn't want to hurt him, but in the process she hurt me and has knocked my trust with her. We argued and argued about it, but I managed to bury it in the past and let it go because, well, we are good together and for each other, and I don't want her to lose her friend. I know full well that she shouldn't have said it, but then again I shouldn't have seen it, so I can't really complain.

 

Either way, she has seen him twice since; once the other week and today, right at this very moment. They are currently at the park and have been out for food etc, and as much as I'm trying not to let it get to me, I really can't help it. My point to this is; am I worrying over nothing and should I just take her word that she wants me (after all she is with me, she could have him if she wanted but she is with me), or should I put my foot down and say I dislike him being around all the time? I just don't like how he talks to her, he buys her things (flowers etc) and generally spends all his time trying to get her back. I just can't stand it, she knows it hurts me but I don't want her to lose her friend, whom she considers her closest friend and one she went through a lot with. She claims she loves me and wants me and her to work and I don't want her to chose between me and him, but I'm sick of appearing a push over when all I really want is to not argue about it again.

 

Any opinions are wanted. Thanks guys.

Edited July 5, 2010 by thehypemachine

[northstar1]

The only unfair thing you are doing is being unfair to yourself.

 

She's his ex, and is dating you. She shouldn't be out with him alone at a park, doing 'couplely' things. Since they don't have kids together, there is no real reason for them to meetup.

 

I wouldn't say you are worrying over nothing, what I would say is that you should put your foot down. Tell her she is dating you and it bothers you that she's going out with him. You know that he is going to be doing everything in his power to win her back and I'm not saying that she is going to, but she shouldn't even be in that situation.

 

I would talk to her and if she can't see your point, then I would wonder about the future of your relationship.

[Cracker Jack]

I think you should put your foot down here.

 

It's bad enough (Even though she really probably didn't want to hurt him) she claimed she didn't know if they would get back together--so them constantly going on further adds to the problem. I understand not wanting to be controlling, but it's obvious that he still has feelings for her, so if he has a chance to constantly express how much he misses her and wants her back in his life, it could alter her feelings.

 

I know she's close to her friend, but if she knows that this is hurting you like you mentioned, then she shouldn't be doing it.

 

But if you trust her, ignore the above.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, when people come on here, having been dumped by their ex, we always tell them to go Complete No Contact.

 

Don't write, don't text, don't phone, don't IM, don't do anything to maintain any type of contact whatsoever, and let them go their own way. Do not check facebook, myspace or twitter, or anywhere else you know they go.

Cut it all off and never get in touch with them for anything.

And you should make sure they do the same with you.

 

So your GF should cut off all contact with her ex-.

She is giving him false hope, friend-zoning him, and trying to keep in touch with him to not hurt his feelings.

But she's being grossly unfair.

to both him AND you.

 

She's not doing him any favours, but is giving him false hope.

he is hanging on for dear life and encroaching on territory that is no longer his.

tell her that she's dangling him on a string, and keeping him on a back-burner.

feeding him breadcrumbs.

basically, what she's doing is maintaining contact ..."Just in case".....

 

Unacceptable.

Show her this thread. Explain to her that what she's doing is understandable, but completely, totally wrong.

She's either with you - or with him.

She broke up with him for a reason.

They're not together any more because there was something wrong.

 

is she telling you that's changed?

Does she think she wants to go out with him again?

Does she believe there's a chance thy could make it work?

So - what does she want?

She has to choose.

She may be uncomfortable with having to make that decision, but sometimes, it's black and white, and this is one of those times.

Sometimes a harsh decision is needed, and she has to stick with it.

So:

 

What is it to be?

[thehypemachine]

Thanks guys for all the pointers, means a lot to me. I've told her I need to talk to her and that she needs to come over, but I'm hardly getting text replies and when I do she's being snappy with me because she can tell it's annoying me; I just can't see why she doesn't understand why it's hurting me like it is. As far as she is concerned her and her ex were never really ex's and they are nothing more than friends, but obviously I can't see it like that and I'm getting to a point now where I really can't take it anymore, it's just not fair at all.

 

To rub salt in the wound my friend, who I have known for years and haven't seen for a long time text me the other day telling me she loved me and that if she could see me she could prove that she loved me more than anyone ever could; the first thing I did was tell my girlfriend and told my friend exactly how I felt about it. Even still, my girlfriend has been very wary of the girl; but when I compare the situations she swears down that it's completely different.

 

Well, I just got off the phone to her and told her I need to see her and she is leaving her ex now and heading to mine, she doesn't sound too happy but I'm completely sick of it and it's getting sorted tonight Bit nervous about it because I don't want it to turn into an argument, but it's not fair and I'm not having it any longer.

[Krytie TV]

So your GF should cut off all contact with her ex-.

She is giving him false hope, friend-zoning him, and trying to keep in touch with him to not hurt his feelings.

But she's being grossly unfair.

to both him AND you.

 

I disagree. I don't think false hope has anything to do with it. I think she's considering getting back with the ex but just doesn't know for sure whether to at this time. The more time she spends with him the more likely it will happen

 

OP, a girl willing to do what she's doing will eventually break your heart. Could be with him and could be in a matter of days... but it will happen. She has poor boundaries and is willing to place herself in compromising situations. All bad qualities in a partner.

[TaraMaiden]

I disagree. I don't think false hope has anything to do with it. I think she's considering getting back with the ex but just doesn't know for sure whether to at this time. The more time she spends with him the more likely it will happen.

 

This is precisely why I asked the questions below. Questions I believe the OP should put to his GF.

 

They're not together any more because there was something wrong.

 

Is she telling you that's changed?

Does she think she wants to go out with him again?

Does she believe there's a chance thy could make it work?

So - what does she want?

She has to choose.

.....

What is it to be?

[tami-chan]

For as long as he wants her back, there is no "just friends" meeting up for coffee. The time that she spends with her is time that the ex can work on her to change her mind, especially because she seems unsure about whether she will ever be back with him or not.

 

Put you foot down. Two things will happen: If she cares more about you than her ex, she will understand where you are coming from and will cease being "just friends" with him"...or she will resent you, in that case, give her up!

[thehypemachine]

Well I have discussed this with her best friend who has told me she has been told by my girlfriend she doesn't want her ex back and doesn't have any feelings for me at all. I know full well she wouldn't lie to me, but I am wondering whether my girlfriend has been lying to herself, as well as me and her friends.

 

She's on the bus here now and I know full well that whatever is said is going to cause an argument, I also know full well she will swear blind nothing is going on and she doesn't have feelings for him. I think she will stop talking to him, but I also know full well she will be strange with me after it because she will feel I've forced her to lose a friend. I really don't want to lose her or see this end, but I'm not sure there is any other way around it now.

[tami-chan]

.... doesn't have any feelings for me at all.

 

uhm...and what do you think about this? You have a bigger problem if the above statement is true.

[Cracker Jack]

Based on the context of his post, I'd say he meant to say she has no feelings for "him" (The Ex) instead of himself.

 

I would hope so, anyway.

[thehypemachine]

Well, I confronted her and she got very, very upset, so upset that she walked out saying that I don't trust her. She wont even speak to me now, I've tried and tried and every time she just tells me to leave her alone. I went round her house with a necklace, flowers and a letter saying sorry for upseting her, and all she said was leave me alone I don't want to talk.

 

I'm seeing her tomorrow night, but I'm not even sure if she wants this anymore. She's pretty much said that she feels different, but she wont even talk to me long enough for the situation to get sorted.

 

I'm stopping at hers tomorrow night, but I'm not even sure how we will be together. I'm not going to talk to her for the rest of the night, but I'm taking all the blame for this and I haven't done anything wrong.

[potrzebie]

"Either way, she has seen him twice since; once the other week and today, right at this very moment. They are currently at the park and have been out for food etc, and as much as I'm trying not to let it get to me, I really can't help it."

 

 

Why are they there (anywhere) without you? If this guy is such a big part of your gf's life, why aren't you included in hanging out with him? This feels creepy just reading about it, y'know?

[txsilkysmoothe]

Why does she need to be friends with him? Because they were friends before? BIG F**KING DEAL!

 

AND, they aren't behaving like friends. She has some serious problems if she wants to have a "friendship" with a man who is telling her he loves her. She isn't being honest with you, herself, or both.

 

Either she ends the "friendship" or you end the relationship.

[thehypemachine]

If I raise the question of why she needs to be friends with him, I get "because we were friends for 6 years and went through a lot together, but you don't trust me enough etc etc" and we go around in circles.

 

The second time they met she asked me if I wanted to go so I could see how they were together, but I declined because I knew how awkward it would be if I did.

 

I actually spoke to her ex yesterday, and he's actually very nice, we have a lot in common and we had a decent conversation together. He told he still loves her and he has a lot of feelings for her, but he said that he completely understands where I'm coming from and he is willing to back off from her as a friend if that is what I want, but alas I can't do that, becuase I can't control my girlfriend and who she is friends with. I'm not even sure this will ever get sorted, especially as she is refusing to speak to me.

[potrzebie]

ouch, sounds like a bad place to be in...you're right, though, you can't "control" her or change her and if that's a friendship that she values so much, regardless of how it makes you feel, then there's an answer right there, i guess...it seems like it would be hard to put yourself into a state of mind where you'd be ok with it, because the bottom line is it seems to make you feel bad no matter how you're trying to look at it...and it seems to me that you've been trying to make the best of it for her sake. what about YOUR sake is what i'd like to know...

[Mutant Debutante]

Any hetero guy who texts me that he loves me, wants to spend a lot of quality alone time with me and gives me flowers is NOT just my friend, even if friendship is all I feel towards him. It's just not a friendship dynamic, simple as that.

[northstar1]

Dude, just stop what you are doing. I know you are scared she's going to leave you, but stop acting like this is on you.

 

She put herself in an inappropriate position without thinking of your feelings and then she gets mad because you dare to bring it up?

 

She's being selfish and you are rewarding with flowers and jewellery? She's going to just walk all over you if you let her.

 

If she can't see why you were bothered and is having a tantrum over it? That's a sign of things to come my man and this is not a girl you want to date long term.

[Krytie TV]

Dude, just stop what you are doing. I know you are scared she's going to leave you, but stop acting like this is on you.

 

She put herself in an inappropriate position without thinking of your feelings and then she gets mad because you dare to bring it up?

 

She's being selfish and you are rewarding with flowers and jewellery? She's going to just walk all over you if you let her.

 

If she can't see why you were bothered and is having a tantrum over it? That's a sign of things to come my man and this is not a girl you want to date long term.

 

Agreed!

 

OP! FULL STOP!!! Whoa there, big fella. Kick it down a notch. Step away from the candy, flowers, and apologies. She's playing you for a ten cent chump and you are bitin' like a punk. Dude, let her pout. And when she's done pouting and wants to talk to you about things, tell her to shove the phone up any particular orifice you might be interested interested in at that moment.

 

She was having her cake and eating it too, and this tantrum pretty much solidifies my opinion that she is leaning toward a reconciliation with the ex. Fortunately for her, you have just given her the out to blame you for the break up rather than her having to be the bitch that's "goin' back to the ex".

 

In the words of Nick Milano (M.O.D.), You're beat, the game is over and you've lost. However, in this situation, you should consider yourself lucky to be free of the adolescent drama.

 

Keep your chin up!

[Sanman]

Look man, I have to agree with everyone. Hell, even her ex agrees with you. She may like you more than the ex, but she wants a backup if things don't work out. There is a bigger problem here though. Is this how you guys are going to deal with problems? What about your needs? In the future, are you going to avoid bringing up your needs because it will lead to an argument and that if you piss her off she might run to the ex and leave you? That's a terrible way to live.

[thehypemachine]

I know that you are all right, I've just fell for this girl so much and letting it go is the worst feeling in the world, but I've been messed around by many a girl before, and she's just going to do the same, I know full well she will.

 

I'm seeing her tomorrow night, but I'm putting how I feel down on the table, if she intends to be funny with me or act like I'm the one in the wrong she can forget it, I'm worth more than that, and it's took me twenty years and a whole host of useless girls but I'm finally realising I can do better. I'm relatively good looking, funny, a hopeless romantic, I have good career prospects and I'm faithful - if I'm not what she wants, I know plenty of other girls who would, and that may sound very big headed but I'm sick of being pushed around.

 

She loves the attention, she's admited before she's an attention seeker, and she loves it when people pine over her, I'm really begining to question whether she's the kind of girl I want to be with. I do love her, she's absolutely wonderful when she doesn't do stuff like this, and she's so beautiful, but at the end of the day she obviously doesn't care much for how I feel about things.

[Scarlett513]

I have to agree with everyone above. She's shown you where her priorities lie. On top of seeing her ex (red flag), and disregarding your feelings about that, she's also shifting the blame for her behavior onto you. Her insistence that you don't trust her and getting all upset about that - SHE is the one giving you reason not to trust her, number 1. And number 2, she's flipping the argument to be your fault. Don't blame yourself, you have a right to having respect within your relationship.

 

DO NOT GO RUNNING BACK TO HER WITH FLOWERS. I *wish* my boyfriend would bring me flowers, and I am nothing but nice to him. You're rewarding her bad behavior with your gifts, money, and most importantly, your time and your emotions. There are so many other girls who would appreciate you more than she does. Give it up with this one.

[thehypemachine]

So, for the first time in my life, I put my foot down.

 

Once again, she had text him, this time telling him she didn't know if it was me or him she loved. So that was my proof. I made sure I got caught looking through her phone so I could bring it up, and when I did she couldn't lie this time. Alas though, I'm still a fool for her.

 

I went out, she went out. Same place, same night. She looked beautiful and I wanted nothing more than to be with her, and all night, we made each other jealous, flirting etc, until when it came to it, we ended up kissing once again. And then again. And again. Things went wrong, and it all kicked off a bit, she ended up walking out crying, leaving the whole night ruined. I went after her and told her I still loved her and if she was willing to not speak to him or see him for a few months then I would get back with her, but she said I either have her as she is, or not at all.

 

Today we spoke again, and I told her I'm not waiting around while she makes a choice, it's me or him. She is going to see him once again today, and you know what? I told her I'm not going to bother this time, she can forget it and I told her straight she has lost me. She begged me to stop and not to go and I said no and walked away.

 

It's killing me, it really is. I loved her, I love her. I really, really do, but what's the point? She won't stop seeing him either way, so she's lost me. I'm in a very bad place at the moment, I'm a little bit lost and confused, very hurt and a bit worse for ware, I just hope what I did was the right choice.

[cabarc1]

Of course what you did was the right thing! I'm sure everyone here is very proud of you for putting your foot down. Now you just need to be strong because she's more than likely going to be trying to win you back over. Don't fall for it!! I got so angry reading your posts, she disrepected you bad! You're never going to feel ok being around her if you do go back because in the back of your mind you will be wondering if she's thinking about the ex. Cutting her loose i'm sure was so hard but it was for the best. It's normal to hurt for a while, but it WILL get better, i promise

[Krytie TV]

You've done what very few people on LS can ever bring themselves to do. You in select company. Well done! Eveb if she were to say she picked you she would be back in contact with him within a month.

 

Kudo! Go out and have some fun!