BiAxident Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 So, I am on week three of twisting in the wind, trying to rescue what is left of my second chance with my XGF. On Thursday, she invited me to spend the weekend with her while she was house sitting for some friends. We spent our time as we usually do, playing board/card games, watching movies, snuggling and eventually having some great sex. She still will often refer to things that we "should do" together later on in the Summer, so she seems to be planning on keeping me around. However, nothing is yet "official". She still has an active account on an internet dating site, though to my knowledge she hasn't met with anyone from there. She knows that I love her. I sent her a card in the mail telling her so, and she said it nearly made her cry. Yet, each time we part, it's always "see you later/soon" and not "want to get together on 'X'". Of course, 6 weeks ago, when she was itching to start dating me, I had this idea that nothing needed to be official, because we were seeing each other on a regular basis. We still are, we've spent the last 12 or so weekends together. But, the uncertainty is just tearing away at me. I'm afraid if I push the issue, she'll grow disinterested, say she needs more time to think, or just reject me flat out. Am I making too much of this uncertainty? Is she just being cautious? Am I just getting played?
lunita Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 The same thing sort of happened to me. I was seeing my ex (no sex) and we were enjoying things but I didn't know if we were officially a couple and it was driving me nuts. So I asked and he totally freaked out and distanced himself from me. We are talking again, but the one thing that stuck out at me in your story is that she has a profile open on a dating site. If I were you, wouldn't have an "official talk" but I would set some limits. It's not fair for her to see you and have a profile open, like she's keeping you around but if something better come along she may toss you. Did she tell you she had a profile open or did you happen to come across it? If she told you, then it's out on the table and you can probably have a casual talk about it. If it's not, she may think you're spying on her and it might send her in the other direction. It's tough I know. Let me know how you know about her profile?
Author BiAxident Posted July 5, 2010 Author Posted July 5, 2010 She told me about the dating site account. We started hanging out again, after 2 years of NC, about 11 weeks ago. After a few weeks of seeing each other, she expressed the idea of wanting to get back together. Given that I was the one who originally got dumped, I took a cautious approach. Eventually, we went to a party together, and she spent a good 3-4 hours chatting it up & flirting with another guy. I asked about us getting back together, and her reply was that she assumed I wasn't interested since I wasn't expressing a strong desire. That was when she told me she had opened an account on the dating site, and that while I was a "great option" for her, she wanted to see what else was out there. That was a little over 2 weeks ago. Since then, I've stepped up my game (flowers, romantic card, lots of non-sexual physical affection) and made my intentions perfectly clear. We've still been hanging out every weekend and twice during the week. Sometimes I call her, sometimes she calls me. Each time I see her, I tell myself that, if nothing else, I'm making some good memories. I assume that each time I see her could be the last time I see her, because at this point I couldn't handle being "just friends".
DustySaltus Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 If she was flirting with other guys right in front of you she is not serious about getting together and is using you for an ego boost. I know the thought of getting back together can be extremely powerful but what she says and what she's doing are two different things. She re-engaged you but then expected you to take the lead. You're being cautious (which you absolutely should be) and seeing whether or not she is being sincere. She equates that cautiousness with you not caring, which is BS. She should know where you are coming from, but she doesn't. I am going to tell you something that you don't want to hear but I always try and speak the truth, as I appreciate when people did the same for me. If you get back with this girl you will be marching to her beat for as long as you are together. Slowly, you will not be yourself anymore but instead someone who became what SHE needed. Don't ever let someone else define who you are. She knows how you feel, now back off. If she doesn't come back it was never meant to be. But if she does come back you need to grow a spine, tell her what is acceptable and what is not by creating boundaries and let there be consequences when those boundaries are broken. If she truly loves you and wants to be with you she will accept that. If not, well she doesn't deserve you.
Author BiAxident Posted July 5, 2010 Author Posted July 5, 2010 She equates that cautiousness with you not caring, which is BS. She should know where you are coming from, but she doesn't. You're correct that she doesn't/didn't really know where I am/was coming from, because she has never been dumped. She knows how you feel, now back off. If she doesn't come back it was never meant to be. But if she does come back you need to grow a spine, tell her what is acceptable and what is not by creating boundaries and let there be consequences when those boundaries are broken. If she truly loves you and wants to be with you she will accept that. If not, well she doesn't deserve you. Good advice. I'm comfortable that if we got back together, she wouldn't take to flirting with other men; she never acted in any such way when we were dating. My problem is mustering the courage to back off. I feel like, if I'm going to lose out on this, I want to know that I tried as best as I could.
DustySaltus Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 I feel like, if I'm going to lose out on this, I want to know that I tried as best as I could. I know what you mean. You should read my story that brought me here in the first place. I tried as best as I could and in the end I was feeding a bottomless pit of needs and wants. I had to be 100% everyday and if I was anything less than that I had to hear about it constantly. You already did the best you could. She is the one that QUIT on you. All you can do is be yourself. If you bring her flowers 100 times, you could've brought her flowers 101 times......where does the trying stop? Give your love to someone that truly deserves it.
lunita Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Yeah I think you've put yourself out there, and made it clear to her what you want. So she definitely needs to return the favor....or you should start distancing yourself from her. She can't have her cake and eat it too. You deserve more than her playing the field while being showered with love from you. Hang in there.
Author BiAxident Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 I know what you mean. You should read my story that brought me here in the first place. I tried as best as I could and in the end I was feeding a bottomless pit of needs and wants. I had to be 100% everyday and if I was anything less than that I had to hear about it constantly. At times, I get the feeling that is what I'm doing. Yet, during our original run in the relationship she was anything but high maintainence. We never had a single fight or argument in two years, though I realize that also means we weren't that good at communicating. When she was interested in trying again, before she "turned off" her emotions 3 weeks ago, I didn't need to do anything. She called me time and time again to set up plans. Now, I call her more often, but she still contacted me last week. I guess I'll see day by day what happens. I'm not optimistic.
Author BiAxident Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 Yeah I think you've put yourself out there, and made it clear to her what you want. So she definitely needs to return the favor....or you should start distancing yourself from her. She can't have her cake and eat it too. You deserve more than her playing the field while being showered with love from you. Hang in there. But then, how do I define "returning the favor"? When we are together, she is very affectionate, very complimentary, very attentive. But, she hasn't referred to us as a couple, hasn't told me she loves me, and our spending time together isn't yet assumed, despite the fact we've spent like the last 10 weekends together. At this point, she still isn't dating other people. She still gives me affection and allows me to give affection. While I admit the uncertainty has me twisting in the wind, it is still company, affection, and sex. It beats a night on Xbox Live. I'm still getting more memories that might be painful later, but its still living life. At the same time, I dont expect it to end well. I guess for now, given my circumstances, I'll take what I can get.
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