Keego Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Hey guys i just joined this today so that i could get some advice from an indepedant source. basically i've being going out with my girlfriend for 8 months now, and up until a week ago everything was amazing. sure we had fights like all couples, but none of them lasted more than a few days, and i never once felt like i couldn't trust her. then last monday i was in her house, we were just messing around on facebook and she aked for my password, i gave it to her and then she gave me hers. when i got home i seen that she had been playing around on my page, so i logged into her account and decided to send her friends messages as a joke. but when i got into her inbox i seen a messege between her and her friend talking about my girlfriend kissing one of her other friends outside a club back in may. she told her friend that she used to like him and that he used to like her, and asked her not to tell me. then there was another messege with one of her ex's, who asked her if she had 'done it again?' so i rang her up and i started shouting and eventually she told me that she had cheated on her ex back a few years ago, aswell as cheated on me. there are other trust issues aswell, like going to the debs ( the irish version of a prom?) with her ex, but not telling me that they had gone out until the debs was over, allowing some of her friends to stay over in her house for the music festival Oxegen, one of them being another ex, but i didn't find out that until her friend let it slip one day. all those smaller offences i could deal with and get over, but the kissing her friend situatition is just proving to be too much for me. i really love her, and i know that she really loves me, but i dont know if i can ever trust her again? so what i'm asking you is should i try rebuild trust, and if so how? or should i just end it and move on? thanks guys. . . . .
Ronni_W Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Hugs, Keego. Trust, once broken, is an extremely difficult thing to rebuild. For me, it first requires an understanding of what led the person to do and/or say what they did. And then, genuine, permanent forgiveness for the fact that they did it and/or said it. You also need to decide if the person is actually trustworthy. This is separate and apart from how you feel about them; it is just an unbiased, neutral observation/assessment of this piece of their character. Then you want to figure out what YOU need, from the person, in order to understand, forgive and, ultimately, trust them again. This part can be different for everyone. Someone once used the analogy of trust being like a thread of silk: when it gets broken, you can carefully tie the ends back together...but when you run your fingers over that thread, you will always feel the knot. To me, this speaks as much to being trustworthy ourselves, as it does to being discerning about the trust we gift to others. Bottom line is: There is no easy solution. The girl has demonstrated a lack of trustworthiness. If she cannot calmly and rationally explain what motivated her to act the way she did, and if she cannot convey, to your satisfaction, that she is ready, willing and able to change this piece of her character...then I would recommend that you take a long, hard look at your evidence, and make an intellectual decision about what might be in your own, long-term best interests. Good luck.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 If you're strong enough, just end it and move on. People who just sit around either wanting their mates to believe they're hurt, or who truly are hurt, and then let their mates know that they just don't have the strength to stand up for themselves, are basically just doomed to misery. Why write your own ticket to misery? Investing time in someone like the girl you describe is just a waste, when a decent girl could be around the next corner. Not only is she unfaithful, but she isn't very bright either if she allowed you into her Facebook mail despite having had that damning evidence there. You just don't need this. Leave her already.
norajane Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 Seems you know she's prone to lying, hiding, and sneaking around behind your back to go out with exes, kiss them, etc. If she were trustworthy, she wouldn't have done those things. What reason do you have to believe she has changed her behavior and views toward what is right and wrong? Since May? If you stay, you are setting yourself up for more of the same. If you stay, you're giving her the message that there will be NO consequences to her cheating on you and lying to you and hiding things from you.
Meuk Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Move on, once a cheater, a leopard never changes its spots and all. This for me is the ultimate sin, and something that CAN be controlled, unless you want it to happen. Im shocked that she gave you her password, obviously she either trusted you not to look at her inbox or she forgot!. Either way for me it would be enough for me to walk and not look back. I guess thats the decision your gonna have to make.
Author Keego Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 Sorry i should have mentioned that she was drunk when she kissed her friend. i personally dont think that it's much on an excuse, but it might help in understanding why she did it? Thanks to everyone for their helpfull comments and advice. . . . .
norajane Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Sorry i should have mentioned that she was drunk when she kissed her friend. i personally dont think that it's much on an excuse, but it might help in understanding why she did it? Thanks to everyone for their helpfull comments and advice. . . . . Will that help you in understanding the next time she gets drunk and actually has sex with some guy?
Daniel89 Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Many have suggested to just dump her and move on, but it sounds like you really love her and to stay with her you have to make sure you can trust her. With no trust there shouldn't be a realationship. You need to do a bit of snooping, and if you have the time when shes away from her computer I'd suggest computer spy software. It sounds a little extreme, but you'll be able to watch her every move without her knowing. If it turns out she is cheating - dont let the abuse go on, find someone better!
azmo Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Many have suggested to just dump her and move on, but it sounds like you really love her and to stay with her you have to make sure you can trust her. With no trust there shouldn't be a realationship. You need to do a bit of snooping, and if you have the time when shes away from her computer I'd suggest computer spy software. It sounds a little extreme, but you'll be able to watch her every move without her knowing. If it turns out she is cheating - dont let the abuse go on, find someone better! If you act like loving someone, shouldn't you be able to trust them without spying on them? Every relationship requires trust. If you can't trust someone, it has no future.
Daniel89 Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 True, amzo. It sounds like OP is really keen to give her another chance, though. If he does the spying and recives no evidence he wont need to do it again.
Template Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 It's a two way street. A person has to prove that they can be trusted, in order to be trusted. "She was drunk..." is just an excuse. Would it be ok if she screwed someone then said, "I was drunk!" I don't know about you, but I certainly wouldn't be OK with it. Look friend, she already cheated on you. Ask yourself, what has she done to prove to you that she won't cheat on you again? That's right SHE. It's not about you trying to re-establish your trust by means of spying. SHE has to prove to you that she's trustworthy, not YOU proving it to yourself. Also think about this. Maybe she gave you her password so you can find this out for yourself, and force YOU to break up with her, and that she was just to cowardly to break it off herself. You are in for a world of hurt before it gets better - IF it gets better.
New_Life08 Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Hi, some people just do not learn from their mistakes... they keep repeating the same thing expecting a different result....it just doesn't work. It seems like she wants the best of both worlds -- a single life, and a relationship. If she cannot control her behavior when she is out with friends, then it is time for her to get to the cause and fix it so she can be a healthy person. The whole kiss thing may have meant nothing to her, but where were you in her mind when it took place? It seems she wasn't thinking of you at all. Now she is still going out to clubs where she is prone to this behavior? I would say sleep with one eye open friend! If the story is how you say, it seems she is not ready for a relationship. Why is she going to clubs without you anyway? That is not to say we shouldn't spend time with just friends, but going to clubs where there is drinking and dancing etc..is asking for trouble. (especially if she tends to go to the same place all the time) Usually when people step over the line and sincerely regret it, they tend not to venture to places where they could repeat it. If not for themselves, then out of respect for you. She admitted cheating in her last relationship, and now she kissed someone else (obviously in a romantic way) so she is headed in the same direction. You might want to have a talk with her about what she wants out of the relationship.
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